Don't like children

LegacyUser

I just wanted to get a few viewpoints on something.
My "issue" is that I'm really not hugely fond of children.
It's so un-pc to actually say it out loud , but there it is.
I've never really been that fond of kids to be honest.
I find myself getting irritated in their company, and I'm always relieved to get away from them. What bothers me is having to (to a point) pretend to like kids in order not to alienate people. It's almost deemed unacceptable to admit to not liking children.
People view you as "cold" which I certainly am not!...or worse, they think there's something wrong with you.
I'm not sure if being 28 years old and female exacerbates the problem. I realise it's a bit unusual and lots of women my age are crazy about kids..but I suppose that's just the way it is. Am I alone? Has anyone else had a similar experience?
Has anyone got any good ways of dealing with backlash that you sometimes receive after admitting you're not that fond of children? I obviously don't want to be rude or insulting to people, but it's amazing the upsetting comments you can get.
Any advice much appreciated.

Darlughda

You are not alone.
This is a thorny subject to negotiate, particularly if you are female and 28! Since my teens, I had to feign interest in children and babies, by the time I hit my 30's, I felt that it was utterly taboo to be honest about my sheer disinterested in kids and babies.

One day, I came across a book in the library regarding women who chose to have a childfree lifestyle. It was a such a relief to find out that I wasn't one of Roald Dahl's stereotypes of childhating 'witches'.

I see children as just other people, not as children to fawn over. I like some and don't like others, same as with adults.
If a good friend of mine is pregnant or has children, I am delighted for her, if she is happy and this is something that she is excited about in her life.

But I don't engage in the baby chat and constant talk around children. Just like talking about oneself continuously, its rude, dull and boring.

Some women adore children and being a mother is everything for them. Equally, some women are just not interested and don't have the maternal broodiness some assume all women have.

Funnily enough, I have found other women much more aware of this than men. It can be very hard to find a man who does not want children.

Zen65

dontlikekids wrote: »

I've never really been that fond of kids to be honest.

Ordinarily I would not be a fan of Brendan O'Carroll, the comedian. I'm almost embarrassed to quote him in the context of "giving advice", but he did once utter a great quote:

"Kids are like farts, you're programmed to only tolerate your own."

The point, I think, is that while you may not be a fan of children, you should not assume from this that you would not be a good parent. You may consider that it is un-pc to say you don't like kids, but change that statement to be "other people's kids" and I think very many people will agree with you.


Be at peace,

Z

Ickle Magoo

Lol Zen65, "Children are like farts, you can just about stand your own" was a great card I got from my husband one year. It's true - I'm no great fan of kids either and I never have been. There are some I like and some I think are really obnoxious but I clearly love my own. I actually know less people who love kids in general than only really like their own and a select few others.

I know a good few couples who don't want kids at all - so what? I have one friend who when asked if she's going to have kids replies "Nah, I'm more of a dog person". If anyone is rude enough to pass comment it says more about them than you.

LegacyUser

Yeah... I'm exactly the same. I suppose I want them (at 28 and female too!), but honestly, most of my interaction with kids makes me seriously wonder why anyone would want anything to do with them!!!

To my mind, they're something to just have, get over and done with, and continue living my life to the best of my ability.Not possible, I'm sure most parents say! This may be true, but I don't want to be just a "mother", I want to keep working, enjoy my life and my friends too. Whether it's possible or not I don't know, but I'll sure as hell give it my best shot!!!

Don't feel bad OP. I walk around supermarkets listening to kids screaming and all my brain can think is "would you shut up!!!". I was in a coffee shop recently and halfway through what we were eating, a 10 yr old at a nearby table turned on a Nintendo DS (or whatever those mini computer things are!) and with the sound on and spent the next 20 mins blasting his way through cyberspace. I wanted to get up, go over, rip the thing out of his hands and fling it through the window under a passing truck (preferably). Though in that case, his mother was more to blame for not telling him to silence it. When I hear the 3 year old next door shouting "no, I don't want to"...I feel like shouting back at him "WELL WE DON'T ALWAYS GET WHAT WE F&*KING WELL WANT". Ditto that for most kids I hear!

Yes I'm horrible! No I don't have rage issues - I'm actually an extremely calm person. But kids.....ugh!!They're tricky enough as it is, but I absolutely cannot stand children who can't behave themselves and don't have a basic understanding of basic manners and what is acceptable behaviour - and worse, those parents that simper and smile at you over the head of their screaming child, as if to say "aw, aren't they all the same, they're expressing themselves..". Please. Not fooling me. Made worse by the fact that I spend a lot of time abroad, and for some reason, a much higher standard of behaviour is expected of kids in public in Europe than here.

So please don't feel bad. I suppose I view them as a necessary evil, which isn't exactly what you'd call maternal!!!

tenchi-fan

If you don't like kids you don't actually have to tell people.

It's not a case of being politically incorrect. It's just a case of knowing when to keep your mouth shut unless you're looking for an argument.

If you say "I don't like" followed by any of the following words you will probably offend a lot of people. Old people. Black people. Immigrants. Fat people. Handicapped people. Chinese people. Goths.

So why would you go around saying "I don't like kids". It's a bit strange to be honest.

star-pants

Yup, have to agree it's nothing you should feel bad about. I know a good few people men & women of different ages who don't like children and don't ever want to have any, and don't like being stuck with kids or babies with someone going 'ahhh aren't they cute'.

I like children, but not all of them. Nowt wrong with that at all.

sam34

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I know a good few couples who don't want kids at all - so what? I have one friend who when asked if she's going to have kids replies "Nah, I'm more of a dog person". If anyone is rude enough to pass comment it says more about them than you.

i remember this topic coming up in AH a few years ago, and some of the suggested replies to the "when are you going to have kids" question were:

i like taking it up the ass/swallowing far too much to ever have vaginal sex :pac:

OP - i'm similar, i can categorically state that i do not want kids and will never have them.

as a woman in her 30s it raises a few eyebrows and i get intrusive comments from "well meaning" people

it really bugs me when people say things like "ah sure we all said that at one stage, you'll change your mind.... it'll be different when you have your own" etc

i wish those people would fcuk right off

people respected the decision i made at age 17 when filling out my CAO form, a decision which affected the rest fo my life, they considered me able to make that decision at that young age

they respected the decision i made in my mid twenties to turn down a marriage proposal, a decision which definitely affected the rest of my life

yet they think they know my own mind better than i do when it comes to the kids issue

sam34

tenchi-fan wrote: »

If you don't like kids you don't actually have to tell people.

It's not a case of being politically incorrect. It's just a case of knowing when to keep your mouth shut unless you're looking for an argument.

If you say "I don't like" followed by any of the following words you will probably offend a lot of people. Old people. Black people. Immigrants. Fat people. Handicapped people. Chinese people. Goths.

So why would you go around saying "I don't like kids". It's a bit strange to be honest.

perhaps because some people think its socially acceptable to ask women of childbearing age why they havent had kids/when they are going to have them

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all the replies...

Cheers Zen65, I have indeed heard that before about tolerating your own.
I'd say it's true!
I have absolutely no desire to have any though!

To the person who said it was strange to go around saying I don't like kids:
I dont! It's only when asked that this comes up.
I'm most certainly not looking for an argument.
My problem is what happens after admitting they're not my cup of tea...the comments that can be cutting and upsetting, the "jokes" and sometimes the outrage.
It's horrible and sometimes I feel like losing my cool and screaming in frustration.
Of course then I'd look even stranger.
Sam34 that vaginal sex line is brilliant...I must remember it.

Ugh...I suppose I've just had my fill of nasty comments and being made feel like there's something wrong with me by these people.

IrishEyes19

tenchi-fan wrote: »

If you don't like kids you don't actually have to tell people.

It's not a case of being politically incorrect. It's just a case of knowing when to keep your mouth shut unless you're looking for an argument.

If you say "I don't like" followed by any of the following words you will probably offend a lot of people. Old people. Black people. Immigrants. Fat people. Handicapped people. Chinese people. Goths.

So why would you go around saying "I don't like kids". It's a bit strange to be honest.

I know what you mean,OP, but I agree with tenchi, as long as you dont go around saying you dont like kids without reason obviously, hopefully you wont be faced with questions or comments unless ppl are shoving it down your throat, then just tell them politely kids arent what you want.

Kelda09

Oh God! Im in the same boat as the OP! I have never liked kids or 'little humans' as I call them I don't get the obsession with children or the opinion that just cos Im a woman therefore I must want kids:mad: I don't want them, never did and never will, I've been insulted by people who have told me that Im among other things, abnormal and cruel for not wanting children. I've had people assume that I cant have kids, cos what other reason would there be. I have never felt that maternal instinct when with kids, friends have had children and I have been happy for my friends as they are so happy, but I still don't want to have one or be around them for more than very short periods.

I don't hide the fact that I don't want kids, I don't feel that I should have to pretend that I do just because some people don't agree with me or think Im wrong. I have talked to people whose reason for wanting children they informed me, is so that they won't end up in a nursing home when their old!! That was the only reason they could give me :eek: That's some reason alright...

On topic OP, there is nothing really you can do about peoples opinions or reactions to you not wanting kids, don't let people make you feel bad, your living your life for yourself, not for others!! If people are annoying you about it, just tell them firmly and politely that there is nothing wrong with how you feel or your opinions, and that you do not want to discuss it anymore, Ive done that before and refuse to discuss it with them anymore. Ive done that with some people now, I just will not get into that topic with them now. Dont feel you have to change to suit others!

R.D. aka MR.D

I'm a bit of a child hater too!!

definitly don't want my own!!

When dealing with kids i normally just smile and say hello to the child and then kind of ignore it.

When people ask why i don't want kids i always say: well to honest i think i'm not the best person to raise a child and i don't think i would do a good job. I know myself and i know i wouldn't make a good dedicated parent.

Nobody can really argue with that!!

nimrodsson

I'm a man, and while i'm sure i wouldn't get quite the negativity that a woman would get, its definitely still there. People assume that anyone from late twenties on will want kids. I don't bring the subject up with anyone, but, if someone asks me i'll say i don't want any. And the patronising responses! 'Ah some day you'll change your mind', 'i wish someday you will experience the joy our brats give us' etc etc.

It never ceases to amaze me how small minded people are! They don't respect another's lifestyle choice, just because their children make them happy! They literally can't understand it, can't comprehend that some people don't want children! They either assume a medical reason or else go into Dr Phil mode and look for some emotional insecurity that might explain it... drives me crazy!

Not alone that, that majority of parents i know, friends and family included, really do become insufferable bores when they have a children. They have no idea how much the obsess and talk about them. I read an interesting quote in the Times ages ago which went something like this.

A bore is a bore is a bore. Someone who talks about the same thing constantly is a bore. Having children does not give you an exemption!

Okay, so that's a little off the point... but OP, fcuk 'em, so you didn't allow society map out your life for you? Kudos to you.

LegacyUser

nimrodsson wrote: »

I'm a man, and while i'm sure i wouldn't get quite the negativity that a woman would get, its definitely still there. People assume that anyone from late twenties on will want kids. I don't bring the subject up with anyone, but, if someone asks me i'll say i don't want any. And the patronising responses! 'Ah some day you'll change your mind', 'i wish someday you will experience the joy our brats give us' etc etc.

It never ceases to amaze me how small minded people are! They don't respect another's lifestyle choice, just because their children make them happy! They literally can't understand it, can't comprehend that some people don't want children! They either assume a medical reason or else go into Dr Phil mode and look for some emotional insecurity that might explain it... drives me crazy!

Not alone that, that majority of parents i know, friends and family included, really do become insufferable bores when they have a children. They have no idea how much the obsess and talk about them. I read an interesting quote in the Times ages ago which went something like this.

A bore is a bore is a bore. Someone who talks about the same thing constantly is a bore. Having children does not give you an exemption!

Okay, so that's a little off the point... but OP, fcuk 'em, so you didn't allow society map out your life for you? Kudos to you.

Thank you so much for your input

I have been told I'm "not all there" because I dont want kids.
I know some people can laugh that off, but it really just brings me back to schoolyard bullying. The comments that I'm "cold" or a "childhater" really upset me and leave me thinking I'm abnormal. I know I realistically should just tell people to f**k off, but really if I did I'd be just feeding into their beliefs.
It's so frustrating and makes me sad.

cafecolour

I actually enjoy other people's children, but have no desire for my own. If prompted, I normally just say something self-effacing: ie that I wouldn't trust myself with a goldfish, never mind a child; or that I have far too short an attention span to dedicate myself to one thing for 20 years.

As it is, the world's over populated, better off not adding to it

Elle Collins

I'm not surprised you don't like kids. There are an awful lot of brats around. It'd be enough to put anyone off kids, looking at the carry-on out of some of the spoilt little fukers.

dan_d

OP, I remember seeing something in the parenting forum a while back - a thread called something like "how is it different if they're your own". A woman was asking the question, based on the fact that she was married, and had spent a lot of time looking after other people's kids when younger - au pair - and the subject of kids was coming up for her now. She just didn't understand how kids being your own could make a difference - surely they were still annoying, and was she weird for thinking otherwise.

Found it, it's here
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056002007

It's a very reassuring thread to read, as a woman.Makes you realise that it's not all sweetness and light, and that not everybody feels the same about these things.

elbee

OP, I feel the same and it drives me nuts that it's considered rude to comment on someone's feelings about religion, politics or their personal lives, but your feelings about children are fair game for anyone be a git about. . . !

I'm 26 and female, never really wanted kids, I am open to the idea that I may change my mind as I get older (I've changed my mind about lots of things) but I was out shopping yesterday and I saw so many badly behaved children that once again I found myself thinking 'This is not for me, and I respect anyone who can handle it!'

You're definitely not alone. I find when people make nasty comments about it, I just say something bland and inoffensive like 'Well, it would be a boring world if we were all the same!' or 'Well, everyone's different.' No one can argue with that, and it is the standard response to judgmental comments about differences, so I like to think it subtly tells people they're being judgmental.

It probably doesn't work, but I live in hope!

Distorted

tenchi-fan wrote: »

If you don't like kids you don't actually have to tell people.

It's not a case of being politically incorrect. It's just a case of knowing when to keep your mouth shut unless you're looking for an argument.

If you say "I don't like" followed by any of the following words you will probably offend a lot of people. Old people. Black people. Immigrants. Fat people. Handicapped people. Chinese people. Goths.

So why would you go around saying "I don't like kids". It's a bit strange to be honest.

In addition to whats already been said in answer to this, probably because as women of a child-bearing age, we get other people's babies plonked in our arms to puke and poo. I don't know how to hold them, I don't want to learn, and I don't like smells. By saying I don't like kids I am dropping the strongest possible hint that I don't want to have to undergo that awkward feeling of being handed a sprog that I have no idea what to do with and isn't terribly interesting to anyone but its parents.

sunflower27

Elle Collins wrote: »

I'm not surprised you don't like kids. There are an awful lot of brats around. It'd be enough to put anyone off kids, looking at the carry-on out of some of the spoilt little fukers.

Hahaha

I have a friend who has 9-year-old. My God, the child is so SLY it is incredible. Crafty to boot and I just cannot warm to her. She is very clever (God help her mum in her teens) and getting what she wants it makes for fascinating watching, but 'like' her - nope!

I really am not a kid lover either - never have been! And watching those jumped up- 10-year-olds in 'Are you smarter than a 10-year-old' really grates (no, I don't watch it, just the odd time when flicking through I hold out hope just one of them will be tolerable - nope!).

If people ask do I want them I just say 'no, never have'. Most people don't push it. Maybe it is because I say it with such defiance

Elle Collins

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hahaha

I have a friend who has 9-year-old. My God, the child is so SLY it is incredible. Crafty to boot and I just cannot warm to her. She is very clever (God help her mum in her teens) and getting what she wants it makes for fascinating watching, but 'like' her - nope!

God I know what you're talking about. And isn't it amazing how the parents are the only people who can't see it? I knew the mother of one appalling brat whose standard response to her childs tauntrums was always "OOhhhhh she's just a child!!!" She'd say the same thing no matter who her daughter had kicked or what she'd just deliberately broken, and she'd always say it with this same 'poor-me-and-me-poor-baby' big O mouth on her. I used to get an awful itch to give her a clatter in it, to be honest.

We've never spoken since the day I responded "No, she's just a little baztard".

Ickle Magoo

This is less a personal issue getting specified advice and more a discussion on personal experiences & thoughts regarding not liking/wanting kids, so I'm moving to humanities.

Ickle

Sleepy

Elle Collins wrote: »

God I know what you're talking about. And isn't it amazing how the parents are the only people who can't see it? I knew the mother of one appalling brat whose standard response to her childs tauntrums was always "OOhhhhh she's just a child!!!" She'd say the same thing no matter who her daughter had kicked or what she'd just deliberately broken, and she'd always say it with this same 'poor-me-and-me-poor-baby' big O mouth on her. I used to get an awful itch to give her a clatter in it, to be honest.

We've never spoken since the day I responded "No, she's just a little baztard".

I'm a dad to one and a step dad to another and, while I love my kids and always wanted children, I'd respect other people's rights not to want them. I'm big on family so I would expect my siblings to take an interest in their niece I don't force conversations about her on them.

In the case of the little brat Elle Collins was talking about, I'd be inclined to see the child as much like a badly behaved dog. It's not the child's fault; it's the parents. Kids will be kids and misbehave sometimes but a child constantly acting that way is the product of poor parenting imho.

Eliot Rosewater

I've closed this thread because the replies so far aren't what's expected in Humanities (which is fair enough given the thread was set up in PI).

If the OP would like to restart the discussion in a Humanities vein I very much welcome them to do so. (I know they posted anonymously, but if they did post using their regular account the mods would be quick in responding to any personalised replies. Views that buck the trend are welcome here (once they're discussed in the appropriate fashion!))

PM if there are any problems.

/mod