Online relationship gone too far

LegacyUser

Heyy ! Unreg for this!
Basically, Im female
Long story short: I had an online relationship with this guy last summer(09) from down the country. We spoke every day by text, calls, IM! We were both 18.
Cutting to the chase, he told me he loved me in a text. I was insecure and inexperienced with guys(still am). I eventually developed similar feelings. Anyway, we finally meet last september and he stayed 4days. Chemistry was great, he was great. I had fallen for him big time (again a lil insecure girl with limited experience with love etc)
I guess once he went back ,it was all surreal in a way as there was nothing left to say.
He ended all "romance" abruptly. Didnt even ring me to explain why he was ending it. He texted it and that was that... but wanted to keep me on the long finger as a friend.
I eventually sent him a informative text that I wanted to end contact and he cut me out.
I was depressed for months, which is odd since it wasnt even a real relationship. I despised myself. Was depressed, starved then binged, cried alot secretly, emotional turmoil..
Now more than a year on, Im thinking of him, us, the intense "relationship" and have considered trying to contact him again. I havent a clue what to do! I repressed it slightly for months. but im dying to talk to him. Is it strange? Please help! I dunno why It hit me so hard?! I should of been able to nod and get on with things as it was a silly online thing that was build mostly on silly perceptions....but Ive been secretly miserable.
I mean, why would I miss someone who toyed with my emotions??
Is this normal for me to feel like this after meeting a guy once ffs?? My friends and family dont understand and its taking over my mind still! A year on. Im so desperate for help on this ..worried it will effect my chances at a normal relationship.

LegacyUser

You seem to be able to see whats going on very clearly but your emotions are out of control. I'm no psychologist but I'm just wondering if the whole thing triggered some other deeper problem or reminded you of something else? I could be way off the mark though...

If its any consolation I could relate to your post. I met someone a couple of years ago and I met up with him a few times as he asked me out. But nothing happened - I mean absolutely nothing, no kiss nothing. Just chatted. I don't know why nothing happened whether I gave the wrong signals etc or what, he did seem to like me. But he stood me up one night and gave me a really bizarre excuse and I never heard from him again. I couldn't contact him although I was tempted to. But his excuse didn't add up and was I was insulted that he didn't even have the decency to make up a plausible one. ANYway... I was in bits for about a year after that. I was literally sick in my stomach out of complete loneliness. I still can't figure it out, whether it was that he reminded me of someone or that I was longing for the stability that he seemed to have and might give me....But I'm a lot older than you and maybe thats why it affected me so badly. Ironically, you seem to think that you were affected by it because you're so young!

Well, what helped me was meeting someone else, just going on a few dates with whoever I met in a pub, if I hadn't broken those few months with that I'd probably still be pining after him. I still wonder about him for some weird reason but the emotions don't take over in that crazy way now. So I'd say thats your best bet. Go out with someone else, not just anyone, stay safe, but just go out on a few dates and enjoy it for what it is. Good luck!

kjl

OP, its ok to be upset about this. Sure, you only met once, but you still chatted everyday and exchange parts of your life. So a connection was made regardless if it was through text(cue sleepless in seattle/love letters to Juliet reference).

But the fact of the matter is he played you. As a guy I can tell you 100% that all he was after was a bit of sex, when he got that, he bailed.

Don't waste any more time on this guy at all, trust me from the sounds of it he is a jerk and you don't want to be with a jerk.

Talk to your friends and family, they love you and will understand and can probably advice you better than we can.

LegacyUser

kjl wrote: »

But the fact of the matter is he played you. As a guy I can tell you 100% that all he was after was a bit of sex, when he got that, he bailed.

^^For further reference, we didnt have sex . We "made out" or met or whatever.


He claimed even before he met me, he was ruined from me cause he "loved me so much" but he used to say it wasnt about sex he needed someone to be close to. and I couldnt be there when he needed me to etc but it was ok to come down to me, meet my family, make all the promises then go home, lie about where he was, refuse to tell his parents about me etc.

Theres a part of me thats so miserable and lonely and the other part is the face i put to everyone else: Im fine.

I was in turmoil over the last year.

But recently the pain has gotten unbearable like it was after the "break up" .I was ok over the last few months. I was healing
Then, i found myself on his facebook and pranked him once..
It all came outta nowhere again..
Im not crazy and no I wont go see a councillor so please no one tell me to do that. I just want to make this stupidity stop!

metrovelvet

Here is some very informative information about internet relationships from a website devoted to warning people about sociopathy. While not everyone on the web seeking romance is sociopathic, the advice still holds value for everyone.


http://www.lovefraud.com/04_internetThreat/sociopaths_online.html

Falling in love with a fantasy
Why online romance is so seductive


There was a time when looking for romance on the Internet was considered weird, geeky or the sure sign of a loser. No more.

Match.com, an online dating service founded in 1995, now boasts 37 international sites and millions of members. "Hundreds of thousands of people met that special someone on Match.com last year," the website says. Meeting people on the Internet has moved mainstream.

Why not? Browsing a site such as Match.com is like browsing a catalog of potential love interests. It's faster, cheaper and more efficient than going out night after night, hoping Mr. or Ms. Wonderful will cross your path. And it's fun.

Still, online love has its risks. Dr. Esther Gwinnell, a psychiatrist who practices in Portland, Oregon, described the pitfalls in her book, Online Seductions. * Some of the following information is drawn from her book.

What you should know about online love

It's easy to be intimate
Writing is therapeutic
Ideal communication
Easy fantasies
Easy deception
Predatory relationships

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It's easy to be intimate

Because communicating via e-mail or the web is anonymous, it creates a sense of safety, Gwinnell says. Like at a masked ball, people can act in ways that they normally wouldn't. This doesn't mean that every e-mail is filled with sexual innuendo, although there's plenty of that. But the anonymity of the Internet, Gwinnell says, "breaks down ordinary barriers to intimacy."

In short, you feel like you can spill your guts in e-mails to a stranger.

Emotions, fears and dreams—you may express feelings to your e-buddy that you're afraid to share with your family, spouse or real-world friends. "Emotional closeness and sharing of even negative emotions is one of the hallmarks of computer relationships," Gwinnell says. "Most individuals involved in these relationships have a closeness and connectedness with their correspondent that is painfully missing from ordinary life."

Although intimacy is usually slow to develop in face-to-face relationships, Gwinell says, it's often the first component of a computer relationship.

> top
Writing is therapeutic

Writing your deepest thoughts to your e-buddy is like writing in a diary. The process of putting your feelings into words deepens introspection and increases self-awareness, Gwinnell says. It's like therapy—without the therapist fees.

"The simple act of writing allows for greater self-exploration," Gwinnell says, "while presenting yourself in the best possible light increases the likelihood that you will experience your e-mail relationship as positive by comparison with other relationships."

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Ideal communication

Gwinnell points out that, unlike a real-world relationship, e-mail is not intrusive. Someone who is part of your physical world demands attention, either by being together or talking on the phone. An e-mail relationship, however, happens at your convenience. You check your e-mail when you want and reply when you want.

Rather than intruding, e-mail communication gives you a sense of control, Gwinnell says. This non-intrusiveness, she continues, is a powerful attraction to the relationship itself.

> top
Easy fantasies

When you meet people in the real world, you notice their height, weight, grooming, voice, mannerisms—and immediately form conclusions about them. All of this information is missing in e-mail correspondence. You can't see, smell or touch the person. You don't even really know if you're communicating with a man or a woman.

So what do you do? You imagine the person is what you want him or her to be.

"With computer love, you can imagine anything you want about the other person's feelings," Gwinnell says. "You can believe that the other person completely understands you and that you are sharing an emotional experience such as you have never had before.

"Because you have none of the usual cues to bring you back to reality," she continues, "you may begin to attribute important qualities to the person, especially idealistic and romantic qualities."

Gwinnell points out the most significant difference between Internet and real-world relationships: On the computer, sexual attraction is based only on fantasy.

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Easy deception

When two people are writing back and forth to each other, Gwinnell says, they usually assume that the other is being honest.

Unfortunately, this is not always true—and deception is easy on the Internet.

Someone who claims to be single is actually married. Someone who claims to have an entertainment background really just watches a lot of movies. How would you know?

You may finally meet someone you've been communicating with by e-mail, and find him or her not to be what you expected. Maybe the other person didn't lie, he or she just didn't tell the whole truth. You're disappointed, but no real harm is done.

> top
Predatory relationships

There are, however, predators on the Internet. These people thoroughly understand the blind spots and opportunities of computer relationships, and use them to take advantage of others.

They engage in multiple relationships simultaneously—fishing for someone who will give them what they want, which is usually sex or money. They play the part of the smitten suitor just to make a score. They often succeed—sometimes with tragic consequences for the victim.

The Internet has become a normal channel for meeting people, like going to a club, a bookstore or a company party. But the lack of physical presence creates a vacuum which is often filled by your own imagination. Be aware, and be cautious.




* © 1998 by Esther Gwinnell, M.D.

LegacyUser

I dont know what to do anymore. I think of him at least everyday.
I just found it strange how a guy could push all his feelings on me. Then when I have similar ones, we meet, he waits to go home, and he completely takes a 180, telling me it would never work etc theres so much to this story but at the risk of being recognised.....and its so complicated.
Basically he messed with my emotions and then when I tried to convince him we'd make the effort he turned on me completely ..
My life has been a mess over the last year. I was depressed, self loathed myself, the turmoil cost me important exams which im now retaking and ive also have become my worst enemy.
And yet, im still hurting. And where is he in all this? Was it so easy to say "Hey im gonna fúck with her more and ditch her"...It was horrible and If i sound pathetic, I dont need anyone to tell me. I know it is. I just want it to stop....

pwd

girlconfused 1 wrote: »

I dont know what to do anymore. I think of him at least everyday.
I just found it strange how a guy could push all his feelings on me. Then when I have similar ones, we meet, he waits to go home, and he completely takes a 180, telling me it would never work etc theres so much to this story but at the risk of being recognised.....and its so complicated.
Basically he messed with my emotions and then when I tried to convince him we'd make the effort he turned on me completely ..
My life has been a mess over the last year. I was depressed, self loathed myself, the turmoil cost me important exams which im now retaking and ive also have become my worst enemy.
And yet, im still hurting. And where is he in all this? Was it so easy to say "Hey im gonna fúck with her more and ditch her"...It was horrible and If i sound pathetic, I dont need anyone to tell me. I know it is. I just want it to stop....

You didn't get any closure because you don't understand what happened yet.

It's not abnormal at all for someone your age. Based on how you talk about it, I assure you it will not negatively effect your future relationships in the long term. It will probably help you a lot because you are in the process of learning from it.

It's wrecking your head because you dont get it yet. It's difficult the same way as learning a tricky new skill can be difficult. You're just still trying to wrap your head around it.

You're getting there. Once you figure out what's what you'll be wiser and better off.

__________________________________________________________________________
Mundane, sad, poorly understood reality | Romantic, happy, strongly conceived fantasy
___________________________________|______________________________________

Fantasy is healthy when it is clearly recognised as such.
It's human nature to try to turn reality into your dream/fantasy. It's that creativity that drives invention. Women apply it more naturally to relationships. Comparitively men apply it to things like technology or business etc.
You were trying to turn your dream into reality when you met him. You dont understand why it didn't work. Your impulse is to try again, until you understand things. Natural. But it won't work because he's not who you hoped, and what you had was not what you imagined.
You can get your head around that and still find yourself thinking of him, because he's already become the object of your fantasy. You find it hard to dream about someone else because you've learned to be cautious. So you just have dream him in your head. That bothers you because you dont understand why he's still in your head. You attach more significance to it than there really is, and hate yourself for it. But it's just a dream. Realise that and it will fade away. Dream him and real him are incompatible. Discard.

The next one mightn't be relevant to you, but it's another set people often have to learn to differentiate

______________________________________________________________________________________
Basic lust | Liking the way you feel around someone | Meaningful emotional connection
___________________________________________________________________________________

LegacyUser

Guys, I really wanna add him on FB now but at the same time, afraid at how he will respond!. This is pathetic!
Help me?

Mark27

You have to add him because youre torturing yourself otherwise. Add him and see what happens. If youve doubts just ask yourself whats the worst that can happen? And think to yourself, you will problady be dead in 80 years so why waste the oppourtunity! And DONT go being all over eager

Sardonicat

girlconfused 1 wrote: »

Guys, I really wanna add him on FB now but at the same time, afraid at how he will respond!. This is pathetic!
Help me?

DO NOT DO THIS! Don't set yourself up for repeated rejection. Whatever this guy's reasons were for not conatacting you after meeting you it was a rude, demeaning and disrespectful way to end things. Do you think you deserve this? If the answer to that is no then maintain your diginity and do ot allow him to treat you like this for a second time.

It is normal to still be thinking about him, even after the way he ended things. Sometimes our hearts take longer than out heads at seeing reality. You must keep your head in control of this situation. You deserve better than this little schmuck.

Toots

Mark27 wrote: »

You have to add him because youre torturing yourself otherwise. Add him and see what happens. If youve doubts just ask yourself whats the worst that can happen? And think to yourself, you will problady be dead in 80 years so why waste the oppourtunity! And DONT go being all over eager

I think at 18, adding on facebook will seem eager. The worst that can happen is he starts messaging her again and does the same thing he did last time. If he hasn't been in touch since ye split up, chances are he has no wish to get in contact. I know it's difficult, but don't get in touch with him again, it'll just hurt you more.

caavan shooter

girlconfused 1 wrote: »

Heyy ! Unreg for this!
Basically, Im female
Long story short: I had an online relationship with this guy last summer(09) from down the country. We spoke every day by text, calls, IM! We were both 18.
Cutting to the chase, he told me he loved me in a text. I was insecure and inexperienced with guys(still am). I eventually developed similar feelings. Anyway, we finally meet last september and he stayed 4days. Chemistry was great, he was great. I had fallen for him big time (again a lil insecure girl with limited experience with love etc)
I guess once he went back ,it was all surreal in a way as there was nothing left to say.
He ended all "romance" abruptly. Didnt even ring me to explain why he was ending it. He texted it and that was that... but wanted to keep me on the long finger as a friend.
I eventually sent him a informative text that I wanted to end contact and he cut me out.
I was depressed for months, which is odd since it wasnt even a real relationship. I despised myself. Was depressed, starved then binged, cried alot secretly, emotional turmoil..
Now more than a year on, Im thinking of him, us, the intense "relationship" and have considered trying to contact him again. I havent a clue what to do! I repressed it slightly for months. but im dying to talk to him. Is it strange? Please help! I dunno why It hit me so hard?! I should of been able to nod and get on with things as it was a silly online thing that was build mostly on silly perceptions....but Ive been secretly miserable.
I mean, why would I miss someone who toyed with my emotions??
Is this normal for me to feel like this after meeting a guy once ffs?? My friends and family dont understand and its taking over my mind still! A year on. Im so desperate for help on this ..worried it will effect my chances at a normal relationship.

well im only 19 and i was reading what all you said there and it really stuck out in my mind as i have/am going thru the very very same thing. I understand exactly what your saying,,i had a girlfriend and we broke up and its not until a good few months after until it really hits you and you start thinking what the other person is doing,,thinking of you etc and you start feeling desperate.
I would really advise you not to add him on facebook as or send him a text as in my experience the waiting on a response just like eats ya away,,its unbearable. I think maybe you could call him from a private number (if you call him from your number he may just miss the call but it will drive your head mad) but call from a private or a different number and just talk ta him,,about nuthn big or anything,,but about different things and life ingeneral etc friends...etc ?????????????????

SparkyTech

girlconfused 1 wrote: »

Heyy ! Unreg for this!
Basically, Im female
Long story short: I had an online relationship with this guy last summer(09) from down the country. We spoke every day by text, calls, IM! We were both 18.
Cutting to the chase, he told me he loved me in a text. I was insecure and inexperienced with guys(still am). I eventually developed similar feelings. Anyway, we finally meet last september and he stayed 4days. Chemistry was great, he was great. I had fallen for him big time (again a lil insecure girl with limited experience with love etc)
I guess once he went back ,it was all surreal in a way as there was nothing left to say.
He ended all "romance" abruptly. Didnt even ring me to explain why he was ending it. He texted it and that was that... but wanted to keep me on the long finger as a friend.
I eventually sent him a informative text that I wanted to end contact and he cut me out.
I was depressed for months, which is odd since it wasnt even a real relationship. I despised myself. Was depressed, starved then binged, cried alot secretly, emotional turmoil..
Now more than a year on, Im thinking of him, us, the intense "relationship" and have considered trying to contact him again. I havent a clue what to do! I repressed it slightly for months. but im dying to talk to him. Is it strange? Please help! I dunno why It hit me so hard?! I should of been able to nod and get on with things as it was a silly online thing that was build mostly on silly perceptions....but Ive been secretly miserable.
I mean, why would I miss someone who toyed with my emotions??
Is this normal for me to feel like this after meeting a guy once ffs?? My friends and family dont understand and its taking over my mind still! A year on. Im so desperate for help on this ..worried it will effect my chances at a normal relationship.

Hi OP,

Having experienced a similar situation myself, I know how it feels to have all these mixed up feelings inside of you when you get involved on a emotional level like this with someone you don't really know that well over the internet.

However, as other posters have pointed out, there is no conceivable way you can have a relationship or indeed a friendship with this person. Friendships/relationships are supposed to grow organically, over a period of time, with common interests between the two parties concerned.

Unfortunately, the internet muddles up all of that. Simple fact is no matter how hard you try and convince yourself of what the other person is like on the opposite keyboard, its never going to add up to the person you meet in real life and you create an image in your head of the reality you expect to happen. You had great chemistry for the best part of the week when you did meet, and then there was nothing left to say - it happened too fast, too soon.

If this guy had the decency to have you as a friend he would not have toyed with your emotions in such a callous way by keeping you ''on the long finger''.

I know its hard now but the ONLY way you can move on from this is by cutting him out of your life completely. Surround yourself with your hobby's and close friends to take your mind off things. No Facebook, no texting, no calls or emails. Out of sight = out of mind. You deserve better and this person has caused you more emotional heartache then positivity. Some people are meant to come and go through your life and he is one of those people. See it as a learning curve and learn from it.

Best of luck.

Firetrap

Reading what you've written, I'm guessing that perhaps you're a bit lonely. (I'm not meaning to be bitchy here but I can't think of a better phrase to use) possibly a bit desperate and are idealising this guy because you had a connection with him in the past. Or if not idealising him, idealising the idea of having this person to call/IM etc. You're missing having him there so I guess in a way it's a sort of grieving. On an intellectual level you know that it's a non-runner but of course human emotions are always going to muddy the waters.

As the others have said, do not attempt to make contact with this guy on Facebook or by any other means. What good can come of it? If you ask to be his friend and he ignores it, you will be hurt. He accepts and you see pictures of him with his girlfriend (if he has one), you will be hurt. You see him sitting in a pub with another girl, your imagination will go into overdrive and yeah, you won't be feeling too good about it. If you start making contact with each other again, what good will it do? Despite what your head is telling you, your heart will start thinking you're in with a chance and that he will come running back to you.

brighteyed84

Hi Op,

I hope this helps u in some way!!!

I cannot go into too much detail in my description coz like u I do not want to be recognised. But I can tell u YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE TO FEEL LIKE THIS!!!

Like u, I was asked by a guy on FB coz he saw my pic and liked what he saw. We had a friend in mutual which is how he found me. I only added him coz I thought I had met him once and wanted to be sure...and by then, it was too late. We started PM every day and he'd leave msg's public on my page and so on so forth....and it took me a futher 5 months to even give him my no. But I thought I new him well enuf to do so.

I hope ur not bored by now and read on. I finally gave him my no, we met up on a DATE and we got on like a house on fire. He was the guy I was talking to for ages only in person rather dan electronically. We spent from sat until mon together (like u without sex mind u!) and he was "mad about me" his words not mine by the end of it. He insisted on making it official and I started to really like him by then and coz of his overpowering romantic side, I decided to go with it, leave my hesitations at the door for a change, and said yes. He insisted that I change my stupid relationship status on fb and I stupidly did.

To cut a long story short, like u, it went well for a few weeks, we talked every day on FB, tru fone and long convos and saw each other every weekend....until he started to show his real side. He started questioning who I was talking to, where was I and then showed a horrible side to himself that I could not put up with and when I voiced my opinion it was like he couldnt take that a woman was talking to him in such a way.......

and just like that ended it over a text msg.

he deleted me off fb and sent me a long email to say what exactly I had done wrong....BY HIM!!

I dont no if this in any way helps u in what ur going tru, but even now I think about him. I sometimes wanna pick up the fone and text him and ask him why he was such a b****x and why did he wanna mess with my head so much. Der is a lot to my story that I cannot say here but I just wanted to show that there are other girls out there dat do no how u feel and Im not sure what advice I can give u, but to say stay strong and DO NOT TEXT HIM, CONTACT HIM OR ANYTHING. Der is a certain type of guy that preys tru the internet and u, like me, got stung by them. He is not thinking of u any more than my ex is thinking of me. I hope in someway this benefits u and helps u move on. But I understand, ur mind does focus on what YOU DID WRONG whereas realistically u didnt do anything.

please just try and move on...coz I certainly am trying to as well.

Ickle Magoo

brighteyed84, I appreciate your post was written at 2am but for future reference, textspeak is not permitted on this forum.

Many thanks

Ickle

brighteyed84

Thanks for the update on how boards.ie requests you write your replies and I will take it on board, no pun intended, although I am not sure what the reference about the time of the post was about but I will try to keep my replies written fully. I am new to this site, so be patient, thanks!!