performance issues

LegacyUser

hi all,

would love some advice on this please. Recently started seeing a guy - he's 36 and divorced two years ago. We met, got along really well, had a few 'dates' and then one thing led to another and finally we ended up in bed...but despite all his encouraging to get me back to his, and all his very passionate approaches - when it came to the act - he just, well, died.

This happened a few times in a row, and i made sure alcohol was limited on those times (just in case!) but still...nothing...so last night he starts telling me all this big speel about how he really really likes me and thinks about me all the time and how he was jealous that i had another fella on the go - and then he said, he actually thought it would be better if i had another guy because he liked me too much (quote!)...and then he started on about how his ex wife cheated on him and its hard for him to trust etc etc. i just cant fathom at all what he's talking about to be honest and i couldnt tell if he was trying to break up with me or try to explain his performance issues, or if he likes me or what.

By morning he was really nice and loving and caring and had a great day together and lots of kissing and passionate stuff (but not any further of course!)...and he's asking me to go off abroad with him for a month in February and stuff.

Very mixed bag of emotions coming from him - can any of you fellas out there advise what the hell is going on here?! should i be running for the hills? (i do actually really like him by the way - hope that also comes across here even though i'm having a whinge!)

Bob_Latchford

Not really, doesnt make much sense to me .

If you knew him better you could suggest he goes to doctor? Does he not get hard at all?

Miss Fluff

and Asidesid wrote: »

so last night he starts telling me all this big speel about how he really really likes me and thinks about me all the time and how he was jealous that i had another fella on the go

So are you seeing another guy at the same time? What other guy do you have on the go??

LegacyUser

Original OP here, sorry - I didnt make it clear - I dont have anybody else on the go, he just thought that i did and got jealous. He then told me that in his head he thought it would be better if i did have someone else! I really like him and dont have any other guy. Dont know why he's going on about this stuff; it maybe some way of explaining his performance anxiety?

seenitall

Aside sid wrote: »

Original OP here, sorry - I didnt make it clear - I dont have anybody else on the go, he just thought that i did and got jealous. He then told me that in his head he thought it would be better if i did have someone else! I really like him and dont have any other guy. Dont know why he's going on about this stuff; it maybe some way of explaining his performance anxiety?

I think it is probably the other way round, OP: his performance issues are making him nervous and insecure about having a relationship, and that would easily translate into trying to push you away (in essence "you deserve better than me").

If I were you, if you really like this guy and don't mind waiting for him a bit longer, just give him some time of hanging out together and getting to know each other, steer clear of sex for a while, and see how it goes when the cuddling grows organically into petting and more...;) My guess is he just needs a bit of time. I hope I'm right.

Best wishes!

Cheap Thrills!

A friend of mine had this exact problem with a new boyfriend a few years ago. Well he was really into her and I reckoned it was nerves. I said well just be really understanding and take the focus off sex, let him see you will give him a chance, it's not all about sex. It worked a treat and they are married with a gorgeous baby now. No problems in the bedroom at all.

I would say he lost his confidence when the ex cheated. Only speculating of course.

There IS another possibility, so be careful. Maybe he does have ED and left it untreated and the ex-wife lost patience and cheated through frustration. You have to get to know him better to see what's what.

So wait and see if you like him!!!

LegacyUser

OP again - thanks for your advice, i'm not going to give up on him just yet. If you're right about the situation - I dont mind giving it time to sort things out naturally. thanks again to you all.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I'm a guy and this happened to me only recently. Was seeing a gorgeous girl for a few months who seemed to be mad about me too. We were getting down to it and i was fully hard but as we were about to do the main act i just went soft. Couldn't explain it to her, told her it was the condom reducing sensitivity. She was fine about it and everything went back to normal. Same thing happened when we tried again the next time and again she seemed patience and suggested going on the pill. From then on she became distant and gave me the whole "it's not you, it's me" speech. Confidence is completely shot over it.
Bottom line is that i was worried about my performance and that i wouldn't give mind blowing sex and if i didn't she would break-up with me. Kind of ironic now!

Canluum

Performance anxiety is a pain. When it happens, you worry about it happening again, so it does... and so goes the vicious circle.

Take the emphasis off penis in vagina as sex. Actually for now take it completely off the table.

Suggest mutually reciprocating oral sex (in turns or at the same time). Tell him he doesn't need to be hard for him to enjoy you going down on him (thus taking all pressure off) and see what happens.

Emme

I think this happens more often than guys admit and age doesn't seem to have anything to do with it. Maybe it's because there's so much focus on the penetrative part of sex (porn etc) nowadays, and less on cuddling and getting to know each other properly.

Some guys can do impersonal one night stands and sleep with a woman they don't know that well without any hassle, but some guys need to know a woman better before getting intimate. There's nothing wrong with that, I actually think it's a good thing so OP give him a chance and maybe wait a while and take things more slowly.

DangerMouse27

Dont know what you mean by died? came too quick or just couldnt get hard?
Its a prob for alot of men but he does seem to like you so its prob not a sexual attraction thing but no harm in asking him..you have to be honest in that situation because anything less and you have nothing. Could be the spark in getting him to see a dr if its stress or something

Canluum

Emme wrote: »

I think this happens more often than guys admit and age doesn't seem to have anything to do with it. Maybe it's because there's so much focus on the penetrative part of sex (porn etc) nowadays, and less on cuddling and getting to know each other properly.

Some guys can do impersonal one night stands and sleep with a woman they don't know that well without any hassle, but some guys need to know a woman better before getting intimate. There's nothing wrong with that, I actually think it's a good thing so OP give him a chance and maybe wait a while and take things more slowly.

While I agree with the general conclusion you've come to (i.e. too much focus on penetrative sex) I can't agree with how you came to it (porn's certainly not to blame, and can't see what cuddling has to do with the melty man). If it's not a genuine physical problem then it's likely he's over-thinking... they way the OP described him in general it sounds like it could well be the latter.

I believe I'm anonymous here so I might as well give my experience of this. I was already dating my ex for 6 months and had never experienced this problem before. It happened once and it was like starting dominoes. I could still get erections up until the moment I began to think of penetration. It went on for about a month... intercourse became impossible frustrating us both. The more frustrated I got the worse it got, seeing her frustration was equally detrimental. After some internet reading and finding anecdotes from other men anonymously posting about their experiences I tried some advice laid out and it worked really well. I talked with her and told her what I'd found out and she agreed to try ruling out penetrative sex, taking the pressure off to perform. She understood and likened it to her occasional bout of vaginal dryness (which luckily could be much more easily solved with KY jelly). After a few nights of no-intercourse sex I was back in the swing of things!

It's happened once or twice since, and when it does I just say "let's just do other stuff tonight" (meaning other types of sex). I rule out penetrative sex... inevitably this ends up working so well that after 20 minutes or so I rule it back in.