In love with my housemate

afatbollix

Hi

Need some advice Its killing me inside I just need to tell someone and get some advice.

I moved to London 6 months ago its been great work is tough but its a challenge, its my home life I find the hardest.

I'm in love with my housemate, She ticks all my boxes Shes smart, funny even the little things I like her glasses, her accent hows shes really small I like it all.. In my head she is a 8/9 where as I'm about a 2 and that's the problem..

So every night when both of us get home we chat as if we are in a couple she will talk and talk about work her life her family it all. I don't say as much in my reply's about work but we could chat for a hour or two about nothing. I would cook for her I bring her places such as the cinema, days out With all this happening I thought she would start to like me not the outer me but the inner me and start a relationship.

She went out 2 weeks ago to a friends party and brought a guy back, I'm a really light sleeper so woke once the key was put in the keyhole. I was gutted and went into depression I couldn't sleep eat I also got home sick at the same time I just missed every one back home it dident help the two happening at the same time. Work was a way to get out I just dident want to go home I hated myself for getting into this situation. SO I got a bit of freelance work in wales for 6 days I jumped at it and off I went to clear my head It did work it was all most like a grieving?? But I thought I got over her she has a life to have just let her go enjoy it.

But all that went out the window once I got back I fell straight back in love with her and the reason I'm writing this is that she had a guy again last night dident sleep thinking about it..


SO first thing I would say to a mate would be to move out? I really don't want to but I think I might have to just to stop it killing me that I cant be with her and seeing someone else come in a do what I want to do to her every moment I see her. Should I talk to her? She defiantly sees me as a friend I don't think I will ever be hers.
Its never like the films eh?
Go easy folks last time I posted in here I dident come back for years.

ldxo15wus6fpgm

Did you ever actually make a move with her?

G-Money

I used to share an apartment and I went through a period of liking the girl who I was sharing with. I couldn't work out if she was interested in me or not. There were times I thought she wasn't interested, then times I thought she was. I guess I was a bit confused as to whether I really liked her of if it was just more of a case of us spending a lot of time together and me not really having met anyone else for a while.

Anyway my situation wasn't the same as yours as I wasn't in love with this girl or anything, but I also got a bit f******d off and felt a bit sick and down if she brought some prick home (let's be honest, any guy going out with a girl we like, no matter how nice he might be, is still a complete w*****r in our eyes)

But as I was saying, I'd get a bit sick if she brought someone back. If I heard her coming back one night, I'd wake and be listening to see if she came back alone or what. I also tried to avoid her and spent a lot of time doing other things if I could. I went home most weekends to avoid being there if she brought some guy back. I was going home so much she asked me a couple of times had I started seeing someone which shows how often I wasn't there.

In the end I got a bit fed up of it all and I decided to move out and get my own place. I'd been thinking about doing that for a while and this was kind of the push that I needed. Personally I think you should find somewhere else to live if the situation is getting too bad. If this girl isn't interested in you, you are going to just have to sit there and listen to her bring guys home which is not something you want.

The other option is to get out there and get busy and hopefully meet someone else. Although that might be tricky if your heart is still aching for her. But also have a think about whether this girl is someone you really like, or was it just a case of you spending so much time together and perhaps not many other girls around, that made you start to think more of her than you normally would.

The secret 3rd option is to tell her you like her but because you live together, it is going to be massively awkward if she tells you she's not interested or prefer's one of these guy's she's banging or something. I'm not saying you shouldn't tell her, all I'm saying is have a contingency plan in place if you do tell her and she says she's not interested.

Hope it works out anyway.

S23

That's a really tough spot OP. As said, your feelings for her could be 100% real or there is a chance they might be heightend because of the amount of time you spend with her/lack of other interaction with women.

All I can tell you is that listening to her come home with different blokes at the weekend isn't going to do your mental well being any good and it will become more and more soul destroying as you go along. I hope to jaysus she doesn't have creaky bed springs or anything like that and you can't hear her at it when she is bringing these lads back too.

You live together and you get on really well. Obviously she likes you as a friend. A lot of people might say if she was interested in you for more than friendship then you'd know by now. I don't know if that's true when you share a place with someone. I think most sensible adults would rule out a relationship with the person they live with for pretty obvious reasons. However, if I had to guess, I'd say you're just good friends.

If I was in your shoes I'd move out. You're killing yourself staying there. It's actually not healthy to put yourself through this IMO. You're just torturing yourself.

I'll give you a 4th option to add to grandmasters suggestions and it would be my prefered option. I'd make arrangements to move out and actually find somewhere else to live. Commit to that and actually go and move out. If she asks you why you're moving out then be honest with her. Tell her you have feelings for her and that you find it too hard to live with her and have her bringing home lads every weekend.

The reason I'd do this is that it puts her under as little pressure as possible. If she wants to reciprocate she can and if she doesn't she can just say fair enough and goodbye because she knows you're leaving.

If you blurt out your feelings and she thinks shes going to be stuck living with you then it puts her in an awkward spot and may even make her feel under pressure to move out.

I don't want to sound cruel here but the issue is clearly yours OP. She shouldn't feel any pressure to modify her behaviour or be uncomfortable in her own home because she hasn't done anything wrong. So that's why I'd go with the option of moving out and telling her how you feel rather than just one or the other.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do

afatbollix

Fantastic advice guys.. Thanks so much for replying.

I think I will move out Even if we did start dating you don't want to live together at the start!! I'm going to start looking now and give my landlord a months notice then I will tell her why I'm moving out a week before hand.. Give her some time to think about it all... But with me out of the house I think we would be better 'friends' I just wouldn't be seeing her as much which would help.. if anything Id like to stay friends.

As ye wrote such long reply's Id like to come back and give ye updates. I hate how posters don't came back and tell the rest of the story.

Thanks Again

LegacyUser

HI OP

tough situtation, i can empathise

I too think I could be in love with/ fall in love with my housemate, given half a chance

the problem in my situation is that she has a boyfriend, pretty long term, don't know exactly how long, a few years at least

similar to yourself we have the chat at the end of each day,text each other a good bit etc etc

we're all pretty busy in our house and don't socialise together too much
, However, the one time we all went out with the housemates, 2 of my other housemates (who had only recently moved in) took me aside and said "what's story with you and Mary?" (lets call her Mary...)...how we'd be perfect for each other...that there was clearly a connection, that they had noticed it straight away on moving in

also, one of them said I should be more proactive, that maybe things weren't going so well with her boyfriend...I haen't gone down that road though

I also find myself comparing prospective girls with her, I've been on a date with a girl and thought "she's no Mary" and called a halt to it

it's a painful way to be, especially with her having a boyfriend (who actually has been around more frequently than ever before in recent months)

at least you have an option of making a move....don't count on staying friends though

sorry for hijacking your thread, just this struck a chord with me, I suggest that while she's still available make your move, probably by planning to move out as you said, best of luck!

honorisloyalty

If you move out you might well move into a new place and there could be another girl who you fall madly in love with or you could fall madly in love with a girlfriend of a house mate.
You could change jobs or move to the other side of the world and you most likely be in a situation where you will meet a woman who you fall madly in love with.
You have to ask yourself why you are allowing yourself to become fixated and infatuated with women who show no interest whatsoever in you romantically.
You have have to ask yourself why you find yourself as 'just friends' with a woman who you are sexually attracted to but who remains oblivious or indifferent.
You have to ask yourself why you cannot go and meet women as regularly as this woman was able to meet men? Moving out will be a temporary solution but this problem you have with women will probably crop up again if you don't deal with it and confront it.
You are carrying around a lot of fear and self-hatred and it is just going to eat you up unless you do something about it.
You don't want to end up in situations like this where your frustration could end up in violent row with some ordinary guy who never met you before in his life and is just going to bed with a hot girl he met in a club or bar or wherever.

afatbollix

Your right H, I think I do have a self image issue Self confindance issue aswell..
Its kinda weird I had a dream the last night I chatted up a girl on the luas, I felt very proud in my dream as Ive never chatted up a girl... Yes Im that bad with Women..

I'd love to get over it, Im working on losing weight Ive last 2 stone so far but still about 2 stone off being a ok weight.. Working very hard to get rid..

Would you have any advice on how to get over it? Id try anything...

S23

Fair play OP. I'd just encourage you to stick at it. You will grow in confidence as you continue to lose weight and continue to feel better about yourself.

Being fit and healthy will improve your outlook and humour in general. That's not as airy-fairy as it sounds by the way. I'm aware you can be fit and healthy and still feel down. But being fit and healthy will help you feel better all round.

When you get to a weight that you feel you should be at (or whatever your target it) you might just find you're not as shy when it comes to women. Also a big well done on losing the weight you have so far. It's no small matter shifting a couple of stone so keep at it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm not going to give you advice as I think what others have said here as been spot on but I would like to say that you seem to have a really positive attitude about this now, which is great. You come across as a lovely bloke in your posts, and I definitely think some girl will fall for you soon, weight loss or no weight loss. However, it's brilliant that you are working on your confidence issues, and if losing the weight helps you, then keep on working at it. Even just for the sake of your health alone, but I'm sure you know that anyways. Hopefully thinks might work out with your current housemate, but if that's not to be, just keep positive and put yourself out there!

I really hope that didn't come across as patronising or anything - I just thought when reading your post that you do sound like a really nice guy with good things to come

afatbollix

Another stone lost..

BUT

Ive realized that she doesn't like me.. No body language ya know I kinda go out of my way to try plan things that we can do together simple things yet she wont do anything like that.. So ya were in the friend zone and I'm happy with that. Might as well have fun about it all.. I'm getting out of house more joined a few clubs getting to know more people..
So I think I can close this chapter. Thanks for listening and for the great advice!