Caught wife sex texting

bysj

Coming to end of this summer, i found my wife, of over 2 years (been together 7 years in total and have a 4 year old child), attitude changed towards me.
Around April/May she started taking daily walks, started to loose weight and physically became healthier as such. I was totally delighted with this and i started doing some biking and running to get fit also. At the same time she told me about some ex bf she became fb friends with and also told me how she met up him in the early part of the summer on more than 2 occasions that i am aware of. This bothered me a bit at first, but the fact that she told me proved she had nothing to hide, so i felt ok with it.
By the end of the summer i didn't really hear much of this guy, but i always had my suspicions. Then one day she left her fb open when i went to the laptop and read one message between them, about "holding you so close". She made some flippant excuse about it being just words. But i flipped then. A few days later she ran into the shops and left her mobile in the car and i just couldn't resist checking her messages and i checked her messages between him and her and they were sexually explicit ones. I flipped again and a long argument ensued. Her defence was, how dare i look into her text messages and the text messaging was nothing more. At the end of it all, i told her if she wanted the marriage to carry on she would have nothing to do with him, but he is still one of her fb friends which i'm not happy about. My trust in her 2 months on is in tatters, i'm always checking what she's doing on the computer and she seems to be never off the bloody fb. What can i do to help me get over this. I suggested councelling, but she doesn't want to, my feeling on that reply is she's probly afraid what may come up. Now i'm not the perfect man, far from it, but i'm a one woman man. Your thoughts, please.

Adam

sometimes ultimatums are the answer. she needs to cop on or face the consequences.

sbsquarepants

Sorry mate, but your wifes a cheater, you know this yourself. If you want to try and save your marriage that's your call, but this other guy has to go, no two ways about it. The fact that she hasn't cut him out speaks volumes. Personally, i think i'd be looking for a divorce.

Miss Fluff

Adam wrote: »

sometimes ultimatums are the answer. she needs to cop on or face the consequences.

+1, I agree. There doesn't seem to be an alternative. Does she honestly expect you to sit idly by and do nothing? And where is her respect for you? I'm actually shocked that she would still be FB friends with him after all of this came out into the open. You both need to get to marriage guidance asap if you want this to work OP.

Pebbles68

Op I'm very sorry to read your post. I'm reminded of the saying "if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it most likely is a duck"

Even if she hasn't actually had sex with him I believe that explicit texts and mails are as much a violation of trust. I challenged a friend a few years ago with the very same thing, "would you show your husband all your messages and emails?" Obviously she said no. She knew she had something to hide, so she knew she was doing wrong.

At the very least your wife is openly offering another man sexually explicit fantasies, and just like my friend, if your wife is hiding things from you she knows deep down she has crossed a line. While others may disagree it's certainly not the foundation I would want to build a relationship upon.

And you shouldn't have to exist with the hurt and doubt about your relationship. If she can't see how it is hurting you well sadly I'd have to agree with Adam

Good luck, I wish you well.

S23

So she got caught. Then throws a fit at you. Says they are texts and nothing more. That's supposed to be alright then is it?

She refuses to go to councelling and address the issues you have. She's still talking to this bloke of facebook too.

Fcuking hell. She's treating you like an idiot. You really do need to give her an ultimatum. If she wants to be with this other then tell her to pack up and leave. If she wants to be with you then tell her to get a grip and start behaving properly. There really isn't any middle ground on this.

LighterGuy

What can be added to the above already

You've wife has cheated. That much is obvious. Im sorry op.
She met him up twice early in the summer. Stopped mentioning him but yet you say FB messages and revealing texts were being sent. These are not just the actions of someone who would cheat. But who already has.

As Miss Fluss says she has no respect for you.
Op, we all must have respect for ourselves. Your common sense is telling you the obvious now. Many a man has been cheated on by his wife but foolishly just looked past it. Dont just over look this or believe her lies. Come down on this. For the sake of yourself.

Oryx

My take on it is that she doesnt want to destroy her life, but she also wants whatever excitement this other man gives. You havent forced her to choose yet, it sounds as if you havent even made it clear you know whats going on.

If she hasnt physically cheated yet its only a matter of time. If she hasnt fallen in love with this guy, that too, is only a matter of time. You need to force this issue and stop putting up with her denials and excuses. Its the only way you will force her to decide which is worth more, you or some sex texts.

G-Money

She's making a fool out of you. She's basically been caught and while she might not have had sex with him, she is effectively cheating on you but has turned it around and tried to make it out that you are the one at fault (by saying you were out of order after looking at her texts).

I once read that ultimatums are an attempt by people desperate to influence a situation they have no control over. While I don't know if that is the case here, I think you need to bite the bullet and leave her, at least temporarily.

She's blatantly cheating on you more or less and she seems to have no guilt about doing so, even after being caught out.

I'm not normally one to advocate divorces and ending marriages but this behaviour is quite possibly the most unreasonable and unacceptable I have ever heard.

I don't know if you own a house together or what your financial commitments are in that respect, but if it were me, I'd be thinking about clearing my stuff out someday when she's not there and have her come home to your keys on the table and full rent to be paid by her going forward.

Fittle

LighterGuy wrote: »

As Miss Fluss says....

What a great typo:D:D:D

Sorry OP, I agree with with everyone else has said - she is taking the p"ss here, expecting you to put up with her behaviour and the very fact that she is still his fb 'friend' speaks volumes.

An ultimatum would also be my advice - she may already have met this guy and turned this 'cyber' affair into reality for all you know - either way OP, her behaviour is disgraceful and you shouldn't put up with it.

kjl

The other side of things OP is maybe she is bored and however this started it was never intended to go this far, No Im not saying her actions are justified.

Are you being good and making time for her? and you helping out? are you doing your best to look nice for her? are you looking after her needs?

Perhaps she has no intention what so ever to every have a physicall relationship with this guy, but maybe the idea that someone else is attracted to her is appealing. As you said she is in a long term relationship with a child. You see these threads all the time on here, people use facebook to escape their real lives.

I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit of a creep. I often flirt with girls in relationships, and the number one reason the flirt back is because they think its harmless, then I escalate it. Guys can be very manipulative, we play on the weaknesses of the girl's relationship.

If I was you, I would install key logging software on her computer, at least then you can find out the full extent of their conversations, but be prepared for the worst

LighterGuy

kjl wrote: »

I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit of a creep. I often flirt with girls in relationships, and the number one reason the flirt back is because they think its harmless, then I escalate it. Guys can be very manipulative, we play on the weaknesses of the girl's relationship.

Very true words. Least your honest about your actions KJL. This happens all the time tho. Alot of gits out there. Many a man has gotten himself into a fight by doing this. But it takes two to tango at the end of the day. While a guy is to blame for trying it on and manipulating, the girl is still at fault because she wants it.

kjl wrote: »

If I was you, I would install key logging software on her computer, at least then you can find out the full extent of their conversations, but be prepared for the worst

A keylogger isnt a bad thing to do. Some people would probably find it an invasion of privacy. But lets think of the op for a second. if it helps him to discover the truth for himself, what has really happened/happening - is that really a bad thing?

For those who dont know what a keylogger is (which i think alot already know :P ) its a program that remains hidden on a persons pc that will record keystrokes of a keyboard.

LegacyUser

While her behaviour is unacceptable, I think some of the reactions on here (demand Divorce! Clear out your stuff!) are over the top to say the least - I'm not meaning to be smart, but I'd wonder how many of you have been married or had to go through anything like this!

Speaking as someone who's been through a marriage breakdown, it is a truely horrific experience, not one I'd wish on anyone, so I'd please tread carefully and explore all reasonable options before going down drastic routes. I would empathise with the feeling of loss of trust and communication breakdown, and sadly in my case, despite best efforts to salvage (at least on my part), my relationship was irrecoverable. But maybe yours doesn't have to be that way.

OP, if it becomes clear that your wife is determined to disregard your feelings and is not committed to rescuing your relationship, then the prospects of your marriage surviving are indeed bleak. In my experience, my ex and I went into counselling with very different objectives - me to save the relationship, her to ease her way out of it. What I'm trying to say is, it takes 2 to want a relationship to work if it is to work.

bysj

Hey People, many thanks for your input. I've done the whole keylogging, webwatcher stuff.
After i started this thread i was very down, my wife rang while i was in work and she knew there was something wrong as i don't hide my feelings very well. And i basically let rip. Her still having him as a FB friend was major as it was through FB that they renewed their friendship and i gave the ultimatum. Finish all ties. We argued for a while, she just wouldn't come around and i told if she wanted to stay married to me that she better or i'd be coming home and help her pack her things. An hour after we talked, she texted me back to say she deleted him as a FB friend. And i checked, and she has.
I believe there was nothing physical between them. When i came home from work, she took my hand and she understood why i was the way i was about him still being her FB friend, she removed him. We're moving on from this now, i'm not an idiot and will still be looking over my shoulder, so to speak. We'll see how things go. Thanks again.

seenitall

Good going, OP.

I hope it all works out for the two of you now. Remember to stay alert and not let her get away with stuff like that any more.

Best wishes!

LegacyUser

bysj wrote: »

Hey People, many thanks for your input. I've done the whole keylogging, webwatcher stuff.
After i started this thread i was very down, my wife rang while i was in work and she knew there was something wrong as i don't hide my feelings very well. And i basically let rip. Her still having him as a FB friend was major as it was through FB that they renewed their friendship and i gave the ultimatum. Finish all ties. We argued for a while, she just wouldn't come around and i told if she wanted to stay married to me that she better or i'd be coming home and help her pack her things. An hour after we talked, she texted me back to say she deleted him as a FB friend. And i checked, and she has.
I believe there was nothing physical between them. When i came home from work, she took my hand and she understood why i was the way i was about him still being her FB friend, she removed him. We're moving on from this now, i'm not an idiot and will still be looking over my shoulder, so to speak. We'll see how things go. Thanks again.

I have been there.... Caught my ex texting someone else, Loads of different kind of things, some sexual.
He tried to turn it around on me for going to his phone.... But i had my doubts and was proved right!!!!! That was 6 months ago and have learned that he was texing this woman with the view to them meeting up which they did and it didnt work out for them ...... How sad LOL
All I can say to you is go with ur gut feeling its rarely wrong
But best of luck

Rufus the brave

Maybe she just wants to spice things up. Try turning the tables on her and asking her to invite this guy into a threesome with you. Maybe if you show her a new kind of daring side to your sexuality, she might be intrigued by the whole idea of it. A couple of threesomes might satisfy her wandering eye. Maybe the notion of the relationship being open might change her mind on things, when she sees you with other people.

Might sound like crazy advice but could be a positive turning point that will help your relationship move into a more secure phase.

Zen65

Rufus the brave wrote: »

Might sound like crazy advice but could be a positive turning point that will help your relationship move into a more secure phase.

Brave advice indeed, Rufus.... and more than just a little bit crazy. Bringing this guy into the middle of their relationship is not going to solve anything, of that I'm fairly sure.

OP's wife got bored, sought a little excitement, got found out and made a decision to stay in the marriage (though that really needs to be monitored for a while). What they need now is to move on as a couple, not as a couple of swingers.

OP - I really would encourage you both to try marriage counselling. You both need to be able to draw a line under what has happened and consign it to the past.

Be at peace,

Z