Sad gay guy confused about life at the moment

LegacyUser

Hello All,

I'm 19 year old almost going on 20 gay guy. Ive long accepted the fact that I was gay and have happily come out to close friends and family without a hitch. I'm comfortable enough with my sexuality to not give two whoots about what the minority of homophobic conservative folks think and all is well and good on that level, however, whilst I have plenty of friends who are girls, I only have a few select male straight friends. Hence why im posting this in personal issues and not the LGBT forum as id also like some straight mens opinions on this

I feel like im living the will & grace typecast. I'm not a social magnet.I have one female friend who would be my husband if she was a man (we have gone on holidays, city breaks together, and generally she is my soul mate that complements me entirely!) while almost all of my small circle of friends are female acquaintance's. I haven't really connected with gay men on my own age level, and its usually only males over the age of 25+ who I can chat with and relate to. However, this usually results in bad experiences when you jump in the deep end with the likes of men on sites like Gaydar, never. doing. internet. dating. again., with men who have balding hair and reseeding waistlines and who are only after one thing! I might be a cynic but internet dating didn't cut it for me personally. I know this sounds shallow but its hard to find guys of my own age group in college who are gay and into the same things I am.

I'm reluctant to try a youth group like belong2 as having had a glimpse of what they are like on the growing up gay documentary, I don't believe its for me (no offence to those who do find it useful) . However I cant find any alternatives for the Dublin region aimed at males over 21? I'm very arty, into books and would much rather sit home with a cup of tea and the Irish Times then go out to a gay bar . As much as I enjoy my own company and my circle of female friends it does get me down that I cant have more male friends, straight and gay, to connect with. Ive been there, worn the tshirt tried the gay scene and venturing to pubs and nightclubs. I'm not a big drinker, and I hate the concept of every social interaction involving booze, i'm quite socially awkward at first but can talk to the wall once I get to know someone. What are my other alternatives? Gay running groups, book clubs, even a ping pong session? Ive scoured gaire & the interweb and couldnt find anything up to date that looked like it was still active :S

I want to form purely platonic friends with straight blokes as well as gay ones and am finding this practicualry difficult, straight guys seem slightly uneased with the fact im openly gay. Im not even that flamboyant or camp!. Heterosexual males; Is it a fear of the unknown, or the fact i can casulay let gay discourse come into a conversation, or the fear im going to hit on them? Why do straight men seem so reluctant to accept I want to have them as friends?

Or is it just because we live in Ireland which Ive found to be not such a secular society in the 19 years Ive lived on this earth and we don't exactly promote a culture of inclusiveness or tolerance . When I visited Amsterdam I loved the fact that you can walk in to an average bar and see both straight and gay couples kissing and holding hands. I can count on my fingers the number of times Ive witnessed similar in Dublin pubs!

I need some perspective here. Ive a good home, family, job and college course. Its my social life thats making me lonely and a bit blue.

Thanks all, please be nice!

Fluorescence

I'm a straight female with absolutely no experience of the gay scene, but I'm pretty sure most colleges have a LGBT society? If you join yours you could meet a lot of different people with different interests, who might be able to point you in the right direction for meeting like-minded people.

You also have to remember that there is a strong drinking culture in this country and that the pub/club scene is ridiculously enormous. I rarely meet people my own age who aren't into that sort of thing, so I can imagine meeting gay people around your age must be difficult if you don't like the gay bar thing. There are probably plenty of people like you out there, you just need to be a bit persistent in tracking them down :P. Best of luck in your search!

prinz

itsallinthecheese wrote: »

I want to form purely platonic friends with straight blokes as well as gay ones and am finding this practicualry difficult, straight guys seem slightly uneased with the fact im openly gay. Im not even that flamboyant or camp!. Heterosexual males; Is it a fear of the unknown, or the fact i can casulay let gay discourse come into a conversation, or the fear im going to hit on them? Why do straight men seem so reluctant to accept I want to have them as friends?

<--straight male.

This is a problem many people have especially when you're not big into the pub / club scene. Perhaps try a house-share with strangers your own age. Make friends that way. Through work or studies? Join a sports club? Do some volunteer/charity work and try to meet people that way.

As a straight guy I have a few gay friends, of both sexes. Never fazed me at all, so there are straight lads out there who won't be bothered that you are gay in the slightest. You may have to adjust yourself for that though, I don't mean you should change who you are but you know boys will be boys and you probably won't be making friends discussing gay issues on a regular basis, just like straight guys don't spend their time, in my experience anyway, discussing straight 'issues', I know one of my gay friends slides into conversations which wouldn't be the norm for straight lads, but he's able to laugh it off. How'd do you mean by being 'openly gay' - if someone asks do you just tell them you're gay, or are you going about announcing it to the world?

itsallinthecheese wrote: »

Or is it just because we live in Ireland which Ive found to be not such a secular society in the 19 years Ive lived on this earth and we don't exactly promote a culture of inclusiveness or tolerance .

I don't think that's true at all tbh and it's going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you keep telling yourself that. You will convince yourself of it and withdraw even more... subconciously blaming everyone else.

itsallinthecheese wrote: »

I need some perspective here. Ive a good home, family, job and college course. Its my social life thats making me lonely and a bit blue.

It's natural sometimes, and it's an issue that rears it's ugly head as I said with people who are gay, straight and indifferent. Sometimes straight guys have the same issues with making friends in a new city etc. Best of luck finding friends anyway mate, listen you're still fairly young, my best friends now are almost people I met around 20/21 so there's still time.

(by the way conservative does not equate to homophobia)

LegacyUser

Personally I'm 26 and I have a difficult personality, I can count on two hands the number of friends I've had in my life (though I do use the word friend conservatively) and as such I tend to analyze such things. So feel free to discount my advice due to lack of experience in such matters, the only reason I give it is because I have given some thought to my situation which is similar to yours in many respects.

I've only ever had one female friend in my life, for whatever reason I have a tendency to scare women away (or so I've been told - though not the specifics which would have been useful). I also have one gay friend, who only came out about 3-4 years into our friendship and who is easily one of the nicest people I know and a good friend (and as I said I don't use that word lightly). Being brutally honest I would like to be platonic friends with more women and gay men, simply because I find the variance and perspective interesting. I know its a weird way of looking at friendships and its probably part of why I don't have all that many friends, but thats unfortunately who I am. That being said I am fond of my friends and not just in a cold and clinical detached kind of way I'm just making the point that I wouldn't exclude friendships with gay men simply because of their sexuality.

That being said however if I were in a situation where a girl or openly gay guy was being friendly to me I would probably assume that it was because of some sort of sexual interest, at least at first, especially if I met them in a social situation where their interaction with me wasn't a requisite (not that that happens much mind you). And if I didn't reciprocate their feelings I probably would try to distance myself, after all nobody likes to be led on. Therefore I think the only situation where I could become friends with a women or gay man is one in which we can establish our shared interests before any sort of sexual interest comes into play (real or imagined), so either through work, some sort of club or through people who are already my friends. Sadly for me most of the things I'm interested in hold little interest for women and hence why I know so few. I also think that this is one of the principle reasons why people find that when you already have a gf/bf its much easier to meet other people who would normally be in your dating pool because they know that you are spoken for and therefore shouldn't see them in that way.

My point is that if you want to make friends especially with straight men then you need to put yourself into situations where you interact with people who have similar interests to you and to whom your sexuality isn't immediately an issue. I'm not saying that you should hide who you are, just that you should treat it like its only one part of who you are and probably not the reason that you are talking to these people right now and also probably not something that they are all that interested in talking about. Just as an example, two of my friends are into soccer whereas I can't stand the stuff, now if the three of use were hanging out together and they started talking about the latest match or whatever then that would be me immediately out of the conversation. Perhaps they could occasionally engage me in a short conversation about soccer, but only briefly before my interests wains and I wander off.

Honestly though I think Ireland as a nation is improving when it comes to things like gay rights and inclusiveness. I know we have a way to go yet but I definitely think people are maturing when it comes to their outlook on such differences (of course that could just be a byproduct of me getting older and therefore hanging out with more mature people).

cafecolour

itsallinthecheese wrote: »

I'm very arty, into books and would much rather sit home with a cup of tea and the Irish Times then go out to a gay bar .

Well, the 'arts' are, in general, full of gay men and gay-friendly straight men. What exactly sort of arts do you prefer? Join a theater group/get into the painting scene/join a writing group and the like.

itsallinthecheese wrote: »

I want to form purely platonic friends with straight blokes as well as gay ones and am finding this practicualry difficult, straight guys seem slightly uneased with the fact im openly gay.

I'm a gay male and I had no trouble making a lot of straight male friends in Ireland (or almost anywhere I live). It's almost been a problem, in that I end up with a predominantly straight social circle, which severely limits the friend-of-friend dating opportunities (like you I'm not a fan of gay clubs or of net dating). So be careful you don't end up with all straight friends, it can be a bit limiting on the romantic front.

Anyway, I'm pretty big video gamer and film geek, which are not exactly obscure interests, so that is a big way how I connect with friends. Media is always a good common interest. I'm also pretty sociable, so that's a big factor as well.

Making male friends straight or gay:

a) Big one, of course: have common interests! And don't try and fake a common interest just because you want to be friends.

b) Don't try to be friends with a guy just because you think he's cute. Not even that you're trying to sleep with him, but you might be drawn to him because you find him attractive. He's likely going to pick up on it, and it's going to put a damper on things. Plus, it'll mess with your head.

c) Cast a wide net. Join a bunch of clubs/groups/etc. Talk to everyone in them. You'll eventually drop most of them, but stick with the ones you like. And for instance, next time say a movie comes out that you want to see, ask some of the people you've talked to a couple times if they want to see it. If they say no, not a big problem, just keep trying people.

d) Keep it cool, but be persistent. Don't be overeager, but on the other hand, don't necessarily wait for other people to invite you to things.

As for straight guys in particular: guys either fall into two camps - the type that thinks everyone is hitting on them, or the ones that never realize anyone is hitting on them. The former will def think you want to sleep them, the later (which are a large percentage) won't think anything of it. So I wouldn't really worry about it.

But yes, too much 'gay discourse' will be a turn off for a straight guy (esp. at the beginning of the friendship). Not even a turn off necessarily, but I think it just seems like a topic of interest that you don't have in common. Likewise, none of my straight male friends are the type to talk about girls that much at all - I wouldn't have much interest being friends with that sort of guy. Really, we all just talk about video games/books/movies/politics/science/etc. most of the time.

dory

Look at some of the gay websites, Queerid or Gaire, find events that interest you and go along. There is gay acting, rugby, soccer, tennis, hiking, outdoor persuits. I know there's a lesbian book club somewhere. Just search around, I think you'll be surprised.

And don't let that documentary put you off. The people who were willing to go on that are the more......flamboyant types. It would be true of any group, gay or straight. The reserved ones would have no interest in that. That's not to say 'straight-acting', reserved types aren't in the group.

Good luck

LegacyUser

most gay guys I know have emigrated. Not because they were getting grief off family and friends, they just found it better in other countries (London).
Even Dublin was too "conservative" for them...

LegacyUser

OP Here

Thanks for the different opinions/advice, has given me a fair bit to think about and proved useful.

Regards