How to approach a guy I had turned down?

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,

Again, another 'what's going on in his head?' thread, I can hear the sighs, apologies!

Basically, I met this guy out randomly one night in the smoking area and we got chatting and then he walked me back to my place where we stayed up chatting, got on reeeeally great...he said at one point 'can I kiss you?' to which I declined (I'd a boyfriend at the time), but we continued chatting til it was bright, and off he went home, not without adding me on Facebook first
We chatted a bit on Facebook IM and randomly met out some nights, chatted, had some drinks etc. Then this night in particular I got absolutely wasted, don't remember much detail but a few days later, he text me saying did I remember what we were chatting about the other night and I said obv I didn't, and said I was worried, because I didn't know what I would've said (I kinda liked this guy at this stage, but still had the boyfriend), but turned out I'd say nothing incriminating and he said he'd let it slide since I couldn't remember. Anyhow, few days later we met out and in his drunken state texted from across the club that that particular night, he'd told me, quote: he really likes me, big time, and next message was apologies, saying he knew I'd a boyfriend etc. I didn't admit anything, but secretly was delighted.

I ended it with the boyf; it wasn't long term and it wasn't working out regardless of this whole situation. I told new guy this, which lead to him eventually asking could he "take me out". I said I didn't want to rush into anything yet obv but that I would like to hang out, in a "non-date-y way". Since, we've been meeting up just to watch DVDs/kisses etc. He came with my fave chocolates the day after my birthday. We haven't slept together, although came close one night and I suggested it but he declined. Have done pretty much everything else

Now, things are fizzling out a little, I can't describe it. I feel like maybe he loved the chase and now I've been so available he's sick of me, or that he's got to know me outside of us being drunk and me being done up ("out" clothes, nice hair and makeup) that I haven't much to offer by way of personality lol I dunno. We still chat the odd time on FB but it doesn't seem the same as it was before. I really like this guy, and I do despise game-playing, but I don't want to be too keen either/don't want to get turned down if I do say how much I like him.

Tbh, I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for. I've tried to keep this short but it hasn't worked lol, there's more detail to the story but this is the gist. Do I confront him, ask him where it's going?! It's been around 6 weeks since first kiss, is that too short to ask where it's going? Or, not even ask where its going, but why things have changed a bit? I don't want to ruin what we have by asking questions that he'll think I'm a tool for asking. Or...have I put out too much? I'm 1.5 year older, lol feel a bit silly asking for advice

He's such a nice guy, help!
Thanks in advance

Kimia

Oh OP, I'm shaking my head in disbelief here. Ok, let's break it down. You have said

I do despise game-playing

however you did this

.he said at one point 'can I kiss you?' to which I declined (I'd a boyfriend at the time), but we continued chatting til it was bright, and off he went home, not without adding me on Facebook first

and then this

I kinda liked this guy at this stage, but still had the boyfriend

and

I ended it with the boyf; it wasn't long term and it wasn't working out regardless of this whole situation. I told new guy this, which lead to him eventually asking could he "take me out"

So the new guy is delighted! You ended your non-important relationship, seemingly because you are interested in the new guy (fairly obvious from your behaviour up to this point) but then you do this:

I said I didn't want to rush into anything yet obv but that I would like to hang out, in a "non-date-y way"

Seriously? You have played so many games already you've made my head spin. No wonder he's backing off. I'm confused and I'm not even him. Why do you think he would bother with this kind of nonsense?

OP, men (in my experience) are not that complicated. All he thought happened was that he met a pretty girl who he got on well with. And then madness ensued. I'd say honestly, he's probably lost interest. The only way you're going to salvage this is if you are honest with him. Call him, ask him to meet you for a drink/coffee, and say to him that you are sorry if you've appeared to be confused, but that you really like him and would like to see how things go. And then don't overanalyse, just enjoy.

LegacyUser

Disagree with the above.

OP...ye u engaged in a bit of game playing, but nothing compared to what some girls do (speak from experience).

And even still, it seems once u broke up with your ex, it stopped and things progressed normal enough.

Him refusing to sleep with you is strange (myriad of possibilities there).

If he is backing off now, I'm sorry to say, that it probably means he isnt that keen. Maybe after you broke off with your ex for him (that's what he thinks) and you started seeing a lot of each other, he is starting to think you are serious about him.

Could be that he is being put off by that and wants something more casual.

I know this is terrible, but unfortunately, the only way you will know for sure is to stop calling, texting or Facebooking him. If you hear nothing after a while you have your answer. Keep contacting him and he may well reply because he hasnt the balls to end it properly.

Your other option is to just ask to meet him, tell him where you see it going and if he doesnt feel the same way, fine. But as you said you havent known him that long, so this could well scare him off.

But I think its one extreme or the other....otherwise its just a stay of execution.

Canluum

Hate to be droll with a current cliché but he's just not that into you.

Best thing you can do? Distance yourself... if he goes mad again for you, you can toy with him a bit more (if he's that fickle and immature might aswell get your ego boost out of it). Anyway for the time being focus your attention elsewhere and take the attention off him. Not saying delete off fb or whatever, it's not a breakup, you don't have much of anything invested in him so just relax on your responses, let him text you first etc... if he naturally cuts off contact as you do so be it, re-affirmation. You don't want to chase someone who's not interested.

Bob_Latchford

Ask him out on a date and she what happens.

TitoPuente

Canluum wrote: »

Distance yourself... if he goes mad again for you, you can toy with him a bit more (if he's that fickle and immature might aswell get your ego boost out of it).

Sweet mercy. Do people like that actually exist?

OP - Relationships are for mature people who are emotionally healthy. Either meet up with the guy and treat him with respect, expect him to do the same, and see where things go. Or, if you want to 'play games', then go to the playground and sit on a swing.

Beetlebum

TitoPuente wrote: »

Sweet mercy. Do people like that actually exist?

OP - Relationships are for mature people who are emotionally healthy. Either meet up with the guy and treat him with respect, expect him to do the same, and see where things go. Or, if you want to 'play games', then go to the playground and sit on a swing.

Hee hee...brillaint.

Op, I was confused just reading that, not confused by him mind you, confused by you.

If you like the guy then why are you playing all these ridiculous games? Get a grip and grow up, simple as.

If I was him I'd be backing away too. Also, adding you on facebook means nothings. It's not like he added you to his will, it's just facebook.

Hope it works out the way you want though.

honorisloyalty

Hi OP

Some of the posters have accused you of 'playing games.'
Don't listen to them.
You were just following your instincts.

Let me just focus on what you said about this guy.

I met this guy out randomly one night in the smoking area and we got chatting and then he walked me back to my place where we stayed up chatting, got on reeeeally great...he said at one point 'can I kiss you?' to which I declined (I'd a boyfriend at the time), but we continued chatting til it was bright, and off he went home, not without adding me on Facebook first

You met him in the smoking area and he walked you home - most guys would see this as a green light to have sex and would be kissing you and removing your clothes as soon as you got in the door.
Instead he didn't do anything and talked to you.
After talking and getting you all relaxed like as if he was just a friend, he tried to get a kiss - you instantly stopped him by telling him you had a boyfriend.
If you didn't have a boyfriend you might have ended up kissing him and then having sex.
Most guys would have said goodbye and good luck and you never have seen them again. Instead he put you on facebook and stayed talking until it was bright.
He seems inexperienced with women - he didn't bed you - and like most guys who are inexperienced and run into a brick wall with a woman they like, he tried becoming your friend instead.
Your instinct like any woman's instinct is to treat him like a friend rather than a lover.
His instinct is to think he still has a chance to have romance.

Moving on to next part of your story.

We chatted a bit on Facebook IM and randomly met out some nights, chatted, had some drinks etc. Then this night in particular I got absolutely wasted, don't remember much detail but a few days later, he text me saying did I remember what we were chatting about the other night and I said obv I didn't, and said I was worried, because I didn't know what I would've said (I kinda liked this guy at this stage, but still had the boyfriend), but turned out I'd say nothing incriminating and he said he'd let it slide since I couldn't remember.

At this stage you saw him as a guy friend who you can meet up with and have a laugh with - he is more of a brother than a boyfriend but you at this stage you were in two minds about your boyfriend. You would have to be in two minds about your boyfriend or otherwise you would not have talked to him all night or gone on friendship dates with him.
The problem is that while you are going out on friendship dates the guy thought these were romantic dates and they were building up to the point where you would kiss him and have sex with him.

Anyhow, few days later we met out and in his drunken state texted from across the club that that particular night, he'd told me, quote: he really likes me, big time, and next message was apologies, saying he knew I'd a boyfriend etc. I didn't admit anything, but secretly was delighted.

Finally the straw broke the camel's back and he lost patience because he was unable to break the ice and move smoothly to a kiss and romance. You knew he liked you but you thought he was too cowardly to act on it. It was already getting old with your boyfriend so you were glad that there was an option in this guy. But his offer is just one more option you have to choose from which is why you were delighted but didn't do anything about it.
Totally natural. You wanted to sit on the fence like anybody else would.

I ended it with the boyf; it wasn't long term and it wasn't working out regardless of this whole situation. I told new guy this, which lead to him eventually asking could he "take me out".

The new guy thought Christmas had come early and took the plunge because he thought he had you in the bag.

I said I didn't want to rush into anything yet obv but that I would like to hang out, in a "non-date-y way". Since, we've been meeting up just to watch DVDs/kisses etc. He came with my fave chocolates the day after my birthday. We haven't slept together, although came close one night and I suggested it but he declined. Have done pretty much everything else

He was getting second thought because he thought he had to groundwork done and could proceed straight after the green light. Instead he still had to do more work softening you up with more dates. He got your fave chocolates because he thought that would get him through to the finish line.
But he has put so much effort into trying to get you that he is scared of getting to the end. You were prepared to sleep with him because his approach was working but when he declined you were completely thrown.
He once again went from being a romantic prospect as he did the first night back to being a friend. You gave up your boyfriend shutting down one option and you tried this guy as a back up and that option was shut down leaving at square one.
You did nothing wrong because you are not expected to be a mind reader.

Now, things are fizzling out a little, I can't describe it. I feel like maybe he loved the chase and now I've been so available he's sick of me, or that he's got to know me outside of us being drunk and me being done up ("out" clothes, nice hair and makeup) that I haven't much to offer by way of personality lol I dunno. We still chat the odd time on FB but it doesn't seem the same as it was before. I really like this guy, and I do despise game-playing, but I don't want to be too keen either/don't want to get turned down if I do say how much I like him.

In your eyes he screwed up and now you can't trust him at all. You made the effort because he should have closed the deal - he should have kissed you the very first night, you might even have slept with him if he made the move but he chickened out. You eventually lost patience and ended up making the suggestion to sleep together and again he made the mistake of backing off.
Naturally enough you backed off too.
Now this guy is like a millstone around your neck and you think there is no future.
Again you are using your head and going with your instincts.
Everything you have done is exactly what any girl would do in the same situation.

Tbh, I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for. I've tried to keep this short but it hasn't worked lol, there's more detail to the story but this is the gist. Do I confront him, ask him where it's going?! It's been around 6 weeks since first kiss, is that too short to ask where it's going? Or, not even ask where its going, but why things have changed a bit? I don't want to ruin what we have by asking questions that he'll think I'm a tool for asking. Or...have I put out too much? I'm 1.5 year older, lol feel a bit silly asking for advice

I think what you are really asking for is how to let him down gently without hurting his feelings.
You like this guy a lot or would have liked him a lot if he had been brave enough to kiss you the first night you meet or even slept with you.
You wanted him to kiss you and you wanted him to make the first move.
Most women expect a man to take the lead - that's just how men and women are programmed.
He didn't make the move because he chickened out everytime.
He has had enough chances and now you are getting sick and tired.
You want to back out with as much grace as possible.

He's such a nice guy, help!
Thanks in advance

The real problem is he is a 'nice guy' and that just isn't enough for him to be your boyfriend. He has screwed up again and again and again.
I think you gave him enough chances and if you were meant to be together it would have happened already.
You should dump him.
It's best to just get to the point and tell him you like him a lot, you don't want to hurt his feelings but you don't think you have a future.
Delete his phone number and delete him from FB.
You don't need this hassle.

You are sure to meet some other guy some other night.
Hopefully he will be man enough to be a proper boyfriend than this 'nice guy.'

Sardonicat

honorisloyalty wrote: »

Hi OP

Some of the posters have accused you of 'playing games.'
Don't listen to them.
You were just following your instincts.

Let me just focus on what you said about this guy.



You met him in the smoking area and he walked you home - most guys would see this as a green light to have sex and would be kissing you and removing your clothes as soon as you got in the door.
Instead he didn't do anything and talked to you.
After talking and getting you all relaxed like as if he was just a friend, he tried to get a kiss - you instantly stopped him by telling him you had a boyfriend.
If you didn't have a boyfriend you might have ended up kissing him and then having sex.
Most guys would have said goodbye and good luck and you never have seen them again. Instead he put you on facebook and stayed talking until it was bright.
He seems inexperienced with women - he didn't bed you - and like most guys who are inexperienced and run into a brick wall with a woman they like, he tried becoming your friend instead.
Your instinct like any woman's instinct is to treat him like a friend rather than a lover.
His instinct is to think he still has a chance to have romance.

Moving on to next part of your story.



At this stage you saw him as a guy friend who you can meet up with and have a laugh with - he is more of a brother than a boyfriend but you at this stage you were in two minds about your boyfriend. You would have to be in two minds about your boyfriend or otherwise you would not have talked to him all night or gone on friendship dates with him.
The problem is that while you are going out on friendship dates the guy thought these were romantic dates and they were building up to the point where you would kiss him and have sex with him.



Finally the straw broke the camel's back and he lost patience because he was unable to break the ice and move smoothly to a kiss and romance. You knew he liked you but you thought he was too cowardly to act on it. It was already getting old with your boyfriend so you were glad that there was an option in this guy. But his offer is just one more option you have to choose from which is why you were delighted but didn't do anything about it.
Totally natural. You wanted to sit on the fence like anybody else would.



The new guy thought Christmas had come early and took the plunge because he thought he had you in the bag.



He was getting second thought because he thought he had to groundwork done and could proceed straight after the green light. Instead he still had to do more work softening you up with more dates. He got your fave chocolates because he thought that would get him through to the finish line.
But he has put so much effort into trying to get you that he is scared of getting to the end. You were prepared to sleep with him because his approach was working but when he declined you were completely thrown.
He once again went from being a romantic prospect as he did the first night back to being a friend. You gave up your boyfriend shutting down one option and you tried this guy as a back up and that option was shut down leaving at square one.
You did nothing wrong because you are not expected to be a mind reader.



In your eyes he screwed up and now you can't trust him at all. You made the effort because he should have closed the deal - he should have kissed you the very first night, you might even have slept with him if he made the move but he chickened out. You eventually lost patience and ended up making the suggestion to sleep together and again he made the mistake of backing off.
Naturally enough you backed off too.
Now this guy is like a millstone around your neck and you think there is no future.
Again you are using your head and going with your instincts.
Everything you have done is exactly what any girl would do in the same situation.



I think what you are really asking for is how to let him down gently without hurting his feelings.
You like this guy a lot or would have liked him a lot if he had been brave enough to kiss you the first night you meet or even slept with you.
You wanted him to kiss you and you wanted him to make the first move.
Most women expect a man to take the lead - that's just how men and women are programmed.
He didn't make the move because he chickened out everytime.
He has had enough chances and now you are getting sick and tired.
You want to back out with as much grace as possible.



The real problem is he is a 'nice guy' and that just isn't enough for him to be your boyfriend. He has screwed up again and again and again.
I think you gave him enough chances and if you were meant to be together it would have happened already.
You should dump him.
It's best to just get to the point and tell him you like him a lot, you don't want to hurt his feelings but you don't think you have a future.
Delete his phone number and delete him from FB.
You don't need this hassle.

You are sure to meet some other guy some other night.
Hopefully he will be man enough to be a proper boyfriend than this 'nice guy.'

The OP clearly stated that she declined a kiss on the first night because she had a bf at the time. Are you suggesting that he should have ignored her refusal and forced a kiss on her and this would have induced her to sleep with him?

OP, I also do not think you have been playing games. You sound like a deccent girl who didn't want to cheat on her bf.

I can't figure out this guys behaviour. I have found out the hard way that when I'm in a situation where I am spending a lot of time trying to interpret someone's actions it's better off to bail out.

honorisloyalty

Sardonicat wrote: »

The OP clearly stated that she declined a kiss on the first night because she had a bf at the time. Are you suggesting that he should have ignored her refusal and forced a kiss on her and this would have induced her to sleep with him?

No.