Bf Turned off By Me

LegacyUser

me and my bf have been together for 2 and a half years. for about 2 years of it we have had sex almost everyday. we are both only 19. anyways past few months we have only been having sex twice a week which I didn't really mind but just today my bf has said to me that the idea of sex with me turns him off because I initiate sex.

I was confused by this because we would go 4 days without having sex, so after the 4 days I would try and turn him on because its been so long and he says he doesn't like me doing that but if didn't then we would never have sex. I have recently lost loads of weight I used to be a big girl and he loves bigger women but now im only 9 stone when I was 14 stone 6 months ago.. at first I thought he liked me losing the weight but it seems like he is un attracted to me and he is using the idea of me controlling sex as an excuse not to have it.

he says if I stopped trying to have sex with him then he would want it, but I don't go near him for 4 or 5 days at a time, so when is going to want sex .. is it obvious he doesn't fancy me anymore. like he even said he finds me unattractive because I try and initiate sex all the time. I initiate it after 4 days of not having sex, is that such a big deal. I thought any bf would be flattered that their gf wants to have sex with them everyday

he seems like he only wants sex when he is really dying for it like he has to not that he wants to, so I have decided not to have sex anymore because its not like he wants it and the funny thing is since I said I wont have sex with him he said he wants to

I don't know what to think anymore.. is having no sex a good thing or what advice could you give me

sorry for the long post

Bottle_of_Smoke

confusedHelp wrote: »

me and my bf have been together for 2 and a half years. for about 2 years of it we have had sex almost everyday. we are both only 19. anyways past few months we have only been having sex twice a week which I didn't really mind but just today my bf has said to me that the idea of sex with me turns him off because I initiate sex.

Right find that a bit of a weird comment. Maybe he feels intimidated by it or something. God knows.

I was confused by this because we would go 4 days without having sex, so after the 4 days I would try and turn him on because its been so long and he says he doesn't like me doing that but if didn't then we would never have sex. I have recently lost loads of weight I used to be a big girl and he loves bigger women but now im only 9 stone when I was 14 stone 6 months ago.. at first I thought he liked me losing the weight but it seems like he is un attracted to me and he is using the idea of me controlling sex as an excuse not to have it. '

Personally I love slim women. Nothing turns me on more, but that is a serious amount of weight you lost. Almost 38% of your bodyweight. Mind if I ask what height you are?

I study nutrition and a lot of girls get iron deficiencies from fad diets, and end up looking ill in general. Thought I'm not accusing you of having been on a fad diet, it is just a huge amount of weight you've lost.

he says if I stopped trying to have sex with him then he would want it, but I don't go near him for 4 or 5 days at a time, so when is going to want sex .. is it obvious he doesn't fancy me anymore. like he even said he finds me unattractive because I try and initiate sex all the time. I initiate it after 4 days of not having sex, is that such a big deal. I thought any bf would be flattered that their gf wants to have sex with them everyday

Can't help but think it is a bigger issue than just sex. It does seem like hes not turned on by you anymore, might not be to do with your physical appearance, but perhaps he's not happy with the relationship. I know when I want to finish with someone i really don't like having sex.

he seems like he only wants sex when he is really dying for it like he has to not that he wants to,

I cannot see any distinction between dying for it and wanting it. I don't think men in general distinguish between them either.

so I have decided not to have sex anymore because its not like he wants it and the funny thing is since I said I wont have sex with him he said he wants to

I don't know what to think anymore.. is having no sex a good thing or what advice could you give me

sorry for the long post

I think you know this is unsustainable and quite frankly nonsensical.

You have to sort this out. He's either got a lower sex drive than you, or doesn't get as turned on by you anymore.

The former is probably unfixable from what I've read here. Hundreds of threads about frigid partners of both sexes on this very board

The latter you have to establish why he isn't as turned on. Is he happy in the relationship? does he still fancy you?

Giving up on sex is taking the passive aggressive easy way out and will obviously cause problems in the future.

It is not unreasonable to demand to know why his interest in sex has waned, and if he's telling the truth find out why you initiating things turns him off

LegacyUser

we have been having a lot of problems lately, constantly arguing and we just don't seem close anymore thats why I think its all over with us, sex was our way of forgiving each other and just forgetting about the arguments but now we dont even have sex.. Im only 5ft 2 so I lost weight way too quickly I know but Im not going to put the weight back on for him. If he isn't happy with the way i look then thats his decision but he denies its over my weight

he doesn't have a lower sex drive than me. tbh it was always higher than mine

I think its because our relationship isnt working anymore but he keeps saying thats not the problem and the problem is that I initiate sex and that annoys him because he feels under pressure, tbh i think thats bulls**T

Cheap Thrills!

If he's not initiating sex with you and had admitted he is turned off by you then it's over. Stop initiating sex with him and giving him chances to reject you, you are worth better than that.

He could be one of these weirdo's that likes their women fat so she has no other guys looking at her. Like, he could be threatened by the competition.
Which is weak.

Look, regardless, once the sex goes in a relationship it's over. At 9 stone you'll have no problem attracting men so don't worry about that!

Bottle_of_Smoke

confusedHelp wrote: »

we have been having a lot of problems lately, constantly arguing and we just don't seem close anymore thats why I think its all over with us, sex was our way of forgiving each other and just forgetting about the arguments but now we dont even have sex.. Im only 5ft 2 so I lost weight way too quickly I know but Im not going to put the weight back on for him. If he isn't happy with the way i look then thats his decision but he denies its over my weight

he doesn't have a lower sex drive than me. tbh it was always higher than mine

I think its because our relationship isnt working anymore but he keeps saying thats not the problem and the problem is that I initiate sex and that annoys him because he feels under pressure, tbh i think thats bulls**T

Ok well obviously everyone's body is different but for your height 9 stone sounds a typically healthy weight, and your previous weight would have been heading toward morbidly obese, so definitely maintain your current weight, it is good you are not even considering putting it back on. I think you are right about him. My assessment would be he wants to break up but doesn't have the balls to do it. Continuing to have sex makes him feel guilty so hé's pulling any excuse to get out of it.

spinandscribble

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

He could be one of these weirdo's that likes their women fat so she has no other guys looking at her. Like, he could be threatened by the competition.
Which is weak.

Thats a mighty big leap! :eek:

If he doesn't fancy you anymore then I agree its over and theres no point staying around. You stay at the weight you feel best at. Congrats op!

Miss Fluff

Being honest it pretty much sounds like your relationship is over. There could be any number of reasons why he no longer wants to have sex with you but I'd hazard a guess that he is miffed/threatened by you losing weight and looking fantastic. Well done you, what a great achievement. Don't let this guy damage your new-found confidence or erode your self-esteem. Do youself a favour and dump him, seems like he doesn't even have the courage to that.

Nevyn

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

He could be one of these weirdo's that likes their women fat so she has no other guys looking at her. Like, he could be threatened by the competition.
Which is weak.

Or he could be a perfectly normal guy who is just attracted to curvey women.

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Look, regardless, once the sex goes in a relationship it's over. At 9 stone you'll have no problem attracting men so don't worry about that!

Well that depends on the type of men who find her attractive.

Squiggler

At 5'2" 9 stone is hardly skin and bone, while 14 odd stone would certainly have been overweight and unhealthy.

OP, whatever the reasons your OH might have the excuse he's given doesn't ring true.

To me it sounds like there is a lot more going on and, unless he is willing to discuss it and try to do something about it, you would be better off calling time on this relationship and moving on. You deserve better.

LittleBook

confusedHelp wrote: »

my bf has said to me that the idea of sex with me turns him off because I initiate sex.

he says if I stopped trying to have sex with him then he would want it

so I have decided not to have sex anymore because its not like he wants it and the funny thing is since I said I wont have sex with him he said he wants to

confusedHelp wrote: »

he keeps saying ... the problem is that I initiate sex and that annoys him because he feels under pressure, tbh i think thats bulls**T

I'm sorry but I genuinely don't understand what your weight has to do with it. He's made it clear what the problem is and "since [you] said [you] wont have sex with him he said he wants to" ... so isn't the problem solved?

Some men prefer to be the initiator when it comes to sex, why do you think that's bulls**t? OK in fairness if this leads to no sex at all, there's a problem. But he's already said he wants more sex.

Or if that scenario doesn't appeal to you and you want to be the initiator, there's a problem.

Why don't you take him at his word, stop second guessing him and and see how it goes?

Taltos

I am wondering how much of his behaviour is all to do with Control?

What I mean OP - is that he prefers to be the one in charge of the relationship and possibly you...
I am with a poster above, I too think this may have run its course - but talking it through with him might help things - but only if you are both honest.

The reasons he gives above - well they stink to be frank.

LegacyUser

LittleBook wrote: »

I'm sorry but I genuinely don't understand what your weight has to do with it. He's made it clear what the problem is and "since [you] said [you] wont have sex with him he said he wants to" ... so isn't the problem solved?

Some men prefer to be the initiator when it comes to sex, why do you think that's bulls**t? OK in fairness if this leads to no sex at all, there's a problem. But he's already said he wants more sex.

Or if that scenario doesn't appeal to you and you want to be the initiator, there's a problem.

Why don't you take him at his word, stop second guessing him and and see how it goes?

because I have to initiate sex or else nothing would happen like he says it annoys him when I initiate sex which is only twice a week because he does nothing at all. he says he doesnt like it well if he doesnt then why not initiate sex before I do .. tbh its even funny when he said it to me like what am I to do, pretend I dont want sex until he comes looking for it.. I wouldnt mind if he started it sometimes. we live together and all and share the same bed, 5 out of 7 nights I just turn around and go to sleep well there is he opportunity to initiate it but he doesnt and then after 4 days of the same thing, I do just try and start it but now Im giving up on sex altogether. I told him he can do what he wants to satisfy himself except cheat on me obviously but in terms of sex, I feel that Id be too distracted thinking that he is turned off me or whatever to even enjoy it so whats the point. I love him and I thought things were finally getting sorted until he told me all this. I honestly didn't think he was unattracted to me I dont know whats going on in that head of his.. ill see how the no sex thing goes and if it makes things worse then obviously the relationship is done because I know sex is an important part in the relationship

LegacyUser

Im more of the person that is controlling in the relationship and maybe sex is one thing that he wants to control. I'm not saying I control his life but out of the two of us, id be more controlling

Taltos

confusedHelp wrote: »

Im more of the person that is controlling in the relationship and maybe sex is one thing that he wants to control. I'm not saying I control his life but out of the two of us, id be more controlling

I know you believe that - but come on - his actions are all about gaining or exerting control.

You may think you are in control here - but look at the following (just 2) from your initial post, there are more...
a) not finding you attractive
b) not wanting to have sex unless he initiates or he is gagging for it

he should be supporting your healthier lifestyle not putting up barriers and doing his best to knock your self confidence.
Personally I would be wary around him and if after a talk his behaviour did not improve I would be shot of him...

LittleBook

confusedHelp wrote: »

because I have to initiate sex or else nothing would happen like he says it annoys him when I initiate sex which is only twice a week because he does nothing at all. he says he doesnt like it well if he doesnt then why not initiate sex before I do .. tbh its even funny when he said it to me like what am I to do, pretend I dont want sex until he comes looking for it.. I wouldnt mind if he started it sometimes. we live together and all and share the same bed, 5 out of 7 nights I just turn around and go to sleep well there is he opportunity to initiate it but he doesnt and then after 4 days of the same thing, I do just try and start it but now Im giving up on sex altogether. I told him he can do what he wants to satisfy himself except cheat on me obviously but in terms of sex, I feel that Id be too distracted thinking that he is turned off me or whatever to even enjoy it so whats the point. I love him and I thought things were finally getting sorted until he told me all this. I honestly didn't think he was unattracted to me I dont know whats going on in that head of his.. ill see how the no sex thing goes and if it makes things worse then obviously the relationship is done because I know sex is an important part in the relationship

OK sorry, I thought you meant things had changed (for the better!) since you two had this talk and you had stopped initiating.

Certainly if there's no sex at all unless you initiate it AND he's complaining that he doesn't like you initiating sex, there is a real problem.

In answer to your question "is having no sex a good thing?" ... no, not for me anyway.

But I do think it's worth having another conversation with him expressing what you've said here ... I just noticed you say this has all come up just today.

LegacyUser

LittleBook wrote: »

OK sorry, I thought you meant things had changed (for the better!) since you two had this talk and you had stopped initiating.

Certainly if there's no sex at all unless you initiate it AND he's complaining that he doesn't like you initiating sex, there is a real problem.

In answer to your question "is having no sex a good thing?" ... no, not for me anyway.

But I do think it's worth having another conversation with him expressing what you've said here ... I just noticed you say this has all come up just today.

yeah like I have noticed us not being intimate as much anymore, but we didn't really have a conversation but today we were arguing over something small and he just brought it up out of no where, he was obviously bottling it up for ages, but he hasn't had any sleep because he was working all last night so ill wait until tomorrow until he has slept and ask what does he really feel because its obviously not over me initiating sex, like cmon does he just want me to lie there every night waiting for him to maybe initiate it

Wibbs

OK hope I'm completely wrong but it does sound like the 2 year itch and maybe he's not feeling it as much as before?

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

OK hope I'm completely wrong but it does sound like the 2 year itch and maybe he's not feeling it as much as before?

maybe it is I asked him that and he said no but when we argue he says 'I wish I was single' but I do be the same, Im confused as to what to do because he is denying it, maybe ill see how he reacts with me not having sex with him anymore, and if it bothers him then maybe it shows he still wants sex with me

LegacyUser

This might be too personal a question, and if it is i apologise. But is your boyfriend overweight? Is there any chance that now you've lost a lot of weight he feels self conscious about his own weight? And as a result doesn't want to be intimate, as he feels it's him who is no longer attractive and is trying to mask that.

Could be way off the mark, just throwing it out there.

IrishEyes19

Just a thought but you say you're 19 and been having sex with him for two years which would mean you were about 17 when you started and you said you were having it nearly everyday, is is possible its become too routine, OP, and too much. I might be out of line here and this isn't a question of morals by any means, but you're so young, perhaps he regrets that he hasn't really played the field or he feels its too routine and serious and so thats why he's backing away using you iniatating it as an excuse

Distorted

My guess would be that he is passively trying to control the relationship and be in charge, which he thinks he has lost by you losing weight. Everything you describe said by him is of a negative tone - why he cannot do things, rather than why he can, never mind anything about your feelings or there being two in the relationship. At 9 stone for you height you will be at an ideal weight and most likely, to most men, more attractive than when overweight. Granted there are men who prefer overweight women but in this case I think a lot of it is to do with your boyfriend wanting to feel he can be in control of a woman who will not be getting attention from other men. I couldn't be bothered with all those games he's playing, its manipulative.

Zen65

confusedHelp wrote: »

me and my bf have been together for 2 and a half years. for about 2 years of it we have had sex almost everyday. we are both only 19. anyways past few months we have only been having sex twice a week which I didn't really mind but just today my bf has said to me that the idea of sex with me turns him off because I initiate sex.

You're 19.

This relationship sounds like it has run its course, for both of you.

You seem to have gained a lot from it.... you're clearly more in control of your emotions (and eating habits) and you know what you like. He may have sensed that he's no longer the dominant one, and that may be turning him off.

Don't for one moment think of reverting to a less confident, more needy person. At 19 it's fantastic that you are mature enough to recognise that you have outgrown him. Be glad of the time the two of you spent together, it was an important growing experience for you, ... and move on. The new, more confident you is more than capable now of enjoying even better relationships in the future, and he will also find somebody less mature, less self-sufficient to share his life with.


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

OP what's his general attitude to women like? Does he respect them? What have his relationships with the females in his life been like so far (mother, sisters etc etc).

I ask because I've experienced this with guys before, and my take is that it's mainly a control thing, if he's had negative experiences with women he might have a serious aversion to 'giving in' to you when you initiate sex. There are guys who have this weird hang up about a woman somehow being slutty or a nympho if they initiate it (HIS hang up by the way, you're perfectly normal!).

It might be that he doesn't feel attracted to you in the same way now that you look different - not that you're less attractive, just that you don't look the same as you did when he fell in love with you... that's a tough one to take but sometimes it happens. And you might have to just accept that and move on from the relationship. That might not be a bad thing? He does sound quite immature and controlling, maybe it's time to take the next step in your life and start enjoying who you are now without someone constantly undermining your self esteem?

LegacyUser

omg since we have had the no sex rule, he has wanted me more than ever, god men are just weird, they want what they cant have.. seriously every second word from his mouth is in reference to sex

WhodahWoodah

OP don't want to make you feel worse because your head is obviously wrecked from all this, but is it possible he's simply been playing away and that's why he appears to have a lower sex drive?

Between that and the other possibilities mentioned by the other posters above, there are so many things it could be. You really need to just sit him down and ask him
1) What's the problem with you initiating sex?
2) Does he still fancy you?
3) Is there some other issue that you don't know about going on here?

Until you get all the facts, and you can only get them from him, you're going to drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. It can't be done without all the information.

And while you're having that conversation make sure that the information is going in both directions. Make sure he knows that you still fancy him and you'd like to be having more sex, but that his recent behaviour has been confusing for you and he needs to help you understand.

Be prepared that the result of this conversation could come out anywhere from breaking up on the spot to joyous sexual reunion, but either way you'd be better off than the limbo you're in now! He's your partner of over 2 years - just TALK to him!

finbarrk

You are too young for a serious relationship probably. Maybe he is bored now and wants to try someone else?
He has so much sex got off you over the last few years that he is gone careless about it now obviously.