Problems with sex

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,

Sorry if this isnt suitable for the forum but just got a bit of an issue..

I'm 20 year old female, bisexual (I think!) and a virgin to both sexes. I met this girl online a while ago (I know - online. Never thought I'd do that!), and we've really hit it off - both like each other a lot. Everything going great. Have been talking for months now and have so much in common and she's coming over to see me soon (she's in the UK atm).

I really like her and am attracted to her and everything, and it's not like I don't want to have sex (I really really do!!) but...and this is strange...I just don't want her to do anything to me :S

Basically, I'm really looking forward to getting to please her and do all sorts of things like that. I'm totally comfortable and ready for that. But I don't want her to go anywhere near 'down there' with me because of past experiences, sexual assault, low self esteem yada yada..

My question is, would you find it strange if a girl wanted to 'do' you but you don't give anything in return? When two women have sex is it generally a 'you go down on me then I go down on you' thing? Would she find it great that I was so eager to please and do all that to her and expect nothing in return, or would most girls find it weird that I dont want them anywhere near 'down there'?

Sorry for the bizaare problem...

annabellea

I was in the exact same position as you a few weeks ago!
I got with this girl and I had never had sex with a girl (or guy) so I had been seeing this fr a few weeks and eventually I went to spend the night at hers, she didn't know I was a virgin, so we went to bed and things began to happen and I was really nervous but I just started and did whatever I did and she then tried to do things back to me but I stopped her and she didn't understand why and thought she had done something wrong but I then explain to her what was happening and she was really supportive about it and said she would take things at a pace I felt comfortable with -> my only advise to you is to not let things get as far as I did without explaining to her first!!
If she is right for you I'm sure she'll understand!
I am still happily with that same girl now and things are fine!!
Best of luck!! =]

spurious

It's not common, but it's not unknown. There's even a name for it - 'stone'. Traditionally, it was a characteristic of some butches (when we used to categorise people) though there were and are stone femmes too.

Make sure you explain to her BEFOREHAND that it's your issue, nothing to do with her as she could very easily be quite hurt by it.

You might change your mind in the middle of it all.

Enjoy.

LegacyUser

Hey. Great to know I'm not the only one with this problem! And I'm delighted you are still happily with your girl (@annabellea)

I didn't even know there was a word for this - I'm certainly not 'butch' anyway. It's nothing to do with that

But what if I don't ever change my mind and want her down there? Do you think we could be in a healthy relationship if that were the case?

I am a virgin but I have had experiences - pretty much done everything except for actual intercourse. And very rarely have I actually enjoyed anyone going there, even my ex boyfriend. If it wasnt painful then it certainly was uncomfortable and not pleasurable. And it was nothing to do with not being relaxed or 'prepared enough' (in terms of lubrication etc.) so I'm afraid I'm never going to like sex

Anyway, that to one side, I'd be perfectly happy just being with her and me pleasing her so I hope she doesnt think I'm a freak when I try tell her that...

Kanoe

I think it comes down to the person you're with. I'm not into being intimate with someone unless I trust them completely. (with the exception of when I'm sh/tfaced) There's no need to put any pressure on yourself to do anything you don't feel comfortable with, if you don't like it let her know. I like it when she lets her body to do the touching anyway.


(would also like to add, the very few I have been intimate with seem to be the kind that only want you to "do" things to anyway)

dory

It totally depends on the girl. But just keep in mind; how would you feel if she didn't want you to do anything to her? Some girls are more givers than receivers and to say that they'll never get a chance to be the giver would be a dealbreaker to some. You just have to see what she thinks.

baby and crumble

I think the best thing is to talk it out a little- I know I'd be incredibly uncomfortable only receiving. I'd feel like it was personal unless the topic was brought up beforehand.

But one thing I will say, I was a virgin when I got together with my GF and I had a LOT of preconceptions around what was going to happen, and so did my GF (who knew I was pretty inexperienced). We were both prepared for lights off/ candles and taking lots of time and breaks etc. yeah, didn't quite work out that way, I think I surprised us both! So what I'm saying really is- chat it out, but be prepared for your desires and wants to change halfway through. If your girl is an amazing kisser- let's just say you might find yourself distracted!

Plek Trum

Ah its not a bizarre problem at all - if anything I would say that you are quiet normal. Try not to be getting too analytical before you have even met

To reassure you, I have had 3 proper full time girlfriends (3 years, 1 year and current 8 year and still on.. and a lot of casual 'fun' in between). My first girlfriend of 3 years had very similar issues to you and it wasnt anything that we didnt overcome with time, chats, relaxed fun and exploring each other. If anything it made making love slowly and building up to things very special and intimate rather than just straight down to business.

My current partner was very much a 'giver' at the start too, but again over time we worked up much love and trust and inhibitions fall away. Its a very very special bond when you do get there, so look at it as something to achieve together rather than 'can't do'. Eight years later I often have to be the person to say 'no' when I'm tired!;)

Don't think you will never enjoy sex - you will when you find the right person.

Take your time and don't be afraid to gently pull away any hands that you are not comfortable with while you are together. Anybody worth your time will totally understand that you are not ready just yet and tell them this so they know. I dont know if there's any need to discuss it before hand, just go with the flow. I'm sure if things are going very well she won't exactly mind.

Best of luck when you meet up and remember to relax, be yourself and have fun. She is obviously interested in you enough to travel from UK, if things work out well when you meet everything else is achievable in time.
If she's the right girl for you then this won't be a problem for her. Enjoy and best of luck!

Kanoe

yay for normal