27, and am resigning to being single

LegacyUser

Am I crazy? Does your life change alot in the next 10 to 15 years from my age? Basically Im a 27 year old bloke , I havent gone out with someone in 5 years, I have always been the single one in my group, I rarely score, and I mean practically never, I don't have any confidence in talking to women, the strange thing is I dont get nervous I just dont have anything to say. I am good looking afaik. At least more importantly ive no hang ups about my looks. I know that doesnt matter anyway because it really is all about confidence.

But it gets worse, the rare time I do have opportunities to score or even go out with someone I tend to get nervous and just cut myself off from them a bit. I remember about 2 years there was a girl I was kind of into , we were kissing and we spent two nights in bed "fooling around" but no sex, if I had initiated it it definitely would have happened but I was just worried in case I either wouldn't get it up, or would finish too fast. It happened once before and the reaction seriously knocked my confidence.
So in the end I just let things fizzle out.

Now im getting a bit older, getting to an age where I dont go out drinking half as much anymore, I have also been recently made unemployed but even prior to that I was in an all male environment.
Im just starting to wonder will I EVER run into a situation where I meet a girl im crazy about. Its starting to look less and less likely. I guess when I was younger I had that naive ,"ah you'll meet someone" feeling but that's completely gone now too. I know the reason I havent met women has been as a result of my own doing, my lack of approaching, my lack of trying, and my lack of taking risks with girls I was half into. I kind of feel Ive let myself down.
Between around the ages of 18-21/22 I was living with great confidence, talking to women/strangers was a complete non issue for me, the idea of meeting a girl I liked was exciting for me,not a nervous freak out. If I scored I would have little nerves in bed. I really dont know what happened to me over the past few years but it all fell apart. I even struggle to want to go to partys etc now. I would LOVE to have that old me back.

I would love to know how my thinking will change over the next 10 years. Is there anyone in their 30s that had similar struggles to myself? I basically dont want to turn around at 37 and realise im in the exact same boat as im in now.

Thanks for the help

Bottle_of_Smoke

Maybe try online dating if you're not meeting anyone.

27yearsold wrote: »

I remember about 2 years there was a girl I was kind of into , we were kissing and we spent two nights in bed "fooling around" but no sex, if I had initiated it it definitely would have happened but I was just worried in case I either wouldn't get it up, or would finish too fast. It happened once before and the reaction seriously knocked my confidence.
So in the end I just let things fizzle out.

I think this is just deeply irrational. I think most girls would feel a lot more frustrated with no sex than 2minutes of sex. Letting things fizzle out is just a self fulfilling prophecy and what does it matter if it hits your confidence, your confidence isn't high. Not having things to say to people is down to your lack of confidence.

There's no perfect answer here. Everyone's too different. Try online dating for your confidnce, you might even meet someone you really like.

Beruthiel

27yearsold wrote: »

I remember about 2 years there was a girl I was kind of into , we were kissing and we spent two nights in bed "fooling around" but no sex, if I had initiated it it definitely would have happened but I was just worried in case I either wouldn't get it up, or would finish too fast. It happened once before and the reaction seriously knocked my confidence.
So in the end I just let things fizzle out.

Instead of resigning yourself to being single forever, why not just sort yourself out?
Your above comments suggest that you have a real hang up over your performance. You have built a mountain out of a molehill and in your head it has stuck.
I firmly believe that you only really begin to know who you are from about 28 onwards. In my experience, your 30's are far better than your 20's because of that.
Talk to a professional, they will help you get past this.

Remember, the only thing you need resign yourself to in this life, is death and taxes. Everything else is wide open.

Overheal

I rarely score, and I mean practically never, I don't have any confidence in talking to women, the strange thing is I dont get nervous I just dont have anything to say.

Single people can still have sex. Is it sex you're concerned about or a relationship? Each has it's own approach, and it's hard to strike up a conversation with someone that you only have a physical interest in.

27yearsold

27yearsold wrote: »

I just dont have anything to say.

This may be your problem right here. Guys not getting the girls is not the problem most often, it is a symptom of another problem.

The “trick” to getting women, if we were to be base enough to think that there is any one way to do it, is to be proud of your own life and be passionate about who you are and what you do.

I have seen guys pull women talking about (to me) boring stuff like fishing simply because they had something to talk about and they were really into their subject.

The title of the thread is that you are “resigning” to being single. Good. This is a good first step. Forget being single and not being single and live for you for awhile. Explore hobbies, passions, past times in social contexts. New and Old.

Whatever it might be get out there and get involved in it. If your hobbies are lone hobbies (such as guitar playing or whatever) then get out and jam with people. Get social and get involved.

What happens more often than not is the more involved in the world you get the more you have to talk about which in turn helps with talking to girls.

Often however you do not need to, because you find also that the more you get involved in things, meeting girls just sort of happens along the way. You are working away at something you love and suddenly you find you’re in a relationship with someone you met while doing it and thinking "How this this happen?"

My own anecdote is I met the girls I am with while being big into music. I would join website to do with the bands I like, organise pre concert meet ups in bars with them, then go to the concerts as a group of people. Before I knew it I had become really close to 2 of the girls I met through this. Another anecdote is of a friend who I gave the same advice to and he realised he had been learning a language on his own from books for months, so he got social and joined a group that go to bars. For 1 hour of that meeting they can ONLY speak in the language they are all learning. Great way to learn and before he knew it him and this spanish girl had come together and gotten real close.

Getting into a relationship is rarely something you do, but something that happens while you are doing other things. Remember that and you have got more of the "secret" to getting women than you could get from 100 self help books on "how to pull".

Beetlebum

Excellent advise above.

The only thing I would add OP is that women can sense desperation and it's a major turn off. I'm not saying that you are desperate but it's something to be aware off.

The most attractive thing to me in a man is someone who is happy, confident and comfortable in his own skin. I respect a man who is passionate and as taxAHcruel said, it doesn't matter if he's passionate about fishing rods or dead fish it's the passion that's important!

You're only 27 and that's very young. Stressing about being single won't change your situation. Just go with the flow and enjoy yourself. Being single has many great benefits and I bet when you're 50 looking back you'll wish you had just enjoyed it!

You said when you were younger you didn't worry about it and I bet you were way happier that way. Try not to worry and just enjoy being you!

Also, taxAHcruel what are these music sites you speak off? They sound pretty cool and a great way to meet like minded people. You can tell alot about a person from the music they listen too. I once broke up with a guy who had gone to see Arcade Fire in teh Big Top. I asked him what tune they ended on and he said he didn't know, he had left before the end cause he was bored. I ended it there and then!:)

kronsington

This is bizarre. I genuinely could have written OP's post myself, as I feel very much the same way. Im 28, and like you, have always been the single one of my group. I used to score a fair bit when i was younger (although i was always told i underperformed as i could have done a lot more) but i cant seem to score at all anymore. i complain about it but then when i go out i do nothing about it. and it is very much starting to get to me. like you, i thought "yeah, ill meet someone" and even if i have, i press the self destruct button and never take things on with girls. there are probably some deep rooted unresolved issues inside me to cause this. i have no problem chatting to girls, id be considered a pretty decent lookin guy and quite a funny guy. but i have ALWAYS never had the killer instinct and have a crippling fear of rejection. a couple of red cards in the past rocked my confidence for years. i see lads around me score way more than me and i just dont get it. i never really thought about "will i end up single" until recently. a lot, in fact most of my good friends are starting to settle down, i am nowhere near that stage but i dont want to be nearly 40 when i get married. ive always underperformed and messed up with girls for some reason. i would, like you, love to have the old me back. when i was younger i had much more energy when i went out and didnt care as much. ive pondered some dating sites but would feel like a bit of a loser if i signed up for them. i havent had a sniff of a score since the summer and ive been out most weekends. i go through bad runs but this is my worst. i just cant explain it. maybe i give off a vibe or something. im reasonably good looking but often go through times of having ZERO self confidence. ive had enough of being miserable this way. and ive been like this for a few years and desperately want to kick start my life. like you, i dont want to be in the same boat in a few years. i always just sort of assumed, life/love etc "would happen" and it hasnt. for the first time, im starting to get a little worried about the future. best of luck man

Beetlebum

Beetlebum wrote: »

Also, taxAHcruel what are these music sites you speak off?

Oh too many sites to mention really. If you are into any band that tours, they most likely have a website with a forum on it for fan discussions.

Simply if you are going to a gig then go to the forums and see if anyone has posted details on pre-gig meet ups. If they have not then do one yourself. Give a time, a bar, and an idea on how people can recognise each other and the rest will take it's own course.

Ice breaking is always easy at these things as the same few questions always get asked like "When did you first hear this band.... what is your faveorite song... how long you been into them" and it goes from there. In fact given that music can be often tied into the most intimate memories, you find that not only is the ice broken really quick but you are told and are telling some of the most intimate memories you have very quickly compared to some random person you meet in a bar or night club when out with your mates.

blackbird98

For what it's worth, at 27 / 28, imo you're still only young lads. why get so hung up on getting into relationships?? you have years ahead of you yet. go out and enjoy yourselves and everything else will fall into place eventually.

In a couple of years time, if you're still single, you may be the envy of some or your friends who aren't

Zen65

Deleted User wrote: »

What happens more often than not is the more involved in the world you get the more you have to talk about which in turn helps with talking to girls.

This rather succinctly sums up the secret to being interesting! Add confidence to that and your life will be completely different from what you are experiencing now.

Be at peace,


Z

kmick

OP and others what has changed that you once had some confidence but now have none?

Kmick,

The answer will likely be different for everyone. However I think a common one is that back at college age your life is full of new and interesting things. You have left school and it is all new, you are out discovering new things and getting involved in new areas of life.

This transfers to your excitement about life itself, and hence your confidence and your ability to be interesting.

As life progresses many of us stagnate. We get a job and life becomes Sleep-Eat-Work-TVorXBOX-Pub.

Many of us end up with very little to talk about because we stagnate in that little routine. If you meet a girl in the pub and all you have done with your free time is watch TV and play Xbox there is not much to talk about. There are not many girls that interested in hearing what your new high score in your favourite game is, or what Level of Mage you are in the latest Elder Scrolls.

I have one friend I am watching stagnate in the same way and it depresses me. Most of his spare time is spent either learning guitar, buying and watching or re-watching DVDs, going to the cinema alone, playing computer games, and occasionally engaging in the watching of pornography. Very little in his life to offer a girl and so when he gets talking to girls in pubs, which is quite often as he is an outgoing type and not bad looking, he has very little to say and ends up resorting to sexual innuendo jokes which scare off 95% of them.

I have been trying to get him to get involved in a few things, but alas you can not make these decisions for people you can only let them know what you think.

kronsington

it differs for many people i guess. i can see myself in a bit of a routine like the one described in the above post. work, sleep, eat, tv/ps etc. it becomes tiresome. i go to the gym, play soccer and go to the cinema regularly, just meeting friends in a non drinking capacity. i find most of the weekends i do nothing though, apart from head out on a saturday night, and nowadays its hard to find a crowd to go out with as people dont go out as much for a variety of reasons. i actually made a list of more things i want to get involved in that im starting to finally do something about. i just want to be in happy in myself, with where im going and what i am doing, and confidence will grow from that hopefully.

for me, confidence comes and goes, and my moods are very changable. i already feel i have wasted many opputunities for no reason other than my own hang ups which i shouldnt even be hung up about. im very much aware of it and want to sort it out. im not a kid anymore but im not an old guy either. want to enjoy a few more years of having a laugh etc and not waste anymore chances with girls etc. just need to be in the right mindframe and stop overthinking things