A bad reaction to being Bi

LegacyUser

Really looking for a female perspective on all of this, again. I did post previously asking why Irish girls, in general, seem to have a major aversion to dating bisexual guys, never had a problem on my travels or while I studied and worked abroad. There has been an update since however. I was lucky enough to meet one of the most beautiful, clever, sexy women I’ve ever had the pleasure of spending time with and together we enjoyed a very special year. We were both open and honest regarding our histories and I really thought we were heading somewhere. Recently however I noticed her pulling away from me emotionally and I finally took the step of asking her if we were still okay. She’d recently told her sisters about my bisexuality, something I don’t think she should have held back from them anyway, and their reaction was terrible. She asked could we end it civilly and still be friends? While we did end on speaking terms but I cant bring myself to be her friend. I’m hurt and starting to doubt whether I’ll ever find an Irish girl to spend the rest of my life with? Any personal experiences that might prove me wrong?

neveah

I can see how this situation would be difficult. Just wondering are you only experiencing this with girls? Are you open to the possibility of having a relationship with a gay man. Do you think you would experience the same problems if you were going out with a man? Maybe you should try and meet other bisexual people so you are both the same and understand where the other one is coming from....?

Anyway the main thing is that if someone loves you enough and they accept your sexuality then they won't care what anyone else thinks of you. I'm sure that person is out there somewhere.

Cheap Thrills!

Well OP, I can only speak for myself and explain why I would never want to date a bisexual guy.

I personally don't find bisexuality masculine and that's a turn off for me.

Also, I dont believe a woman can ever compete sexually with a man. I think what a man has to offer would feel better and more satisfying than what a woman can offer so in the long run he would always pick/prefer a man over a woman.

Chuchoter

To be brutally honest with you its probably down to the perception that bi men don't exist and she thinks you'll turn out to be gay in the long run. Then there is the cheating stereotype.

Nevyn

Or there is the stupid notion that bisexuals can't be monogamous. There is a lot of ignorance out there when it comes to bisexuality and a fair bit of biphobia.
But there are irish women for whom it's not a big deal, the right person will accept you and will be able to tell others to take a running jump rather then letting the prejudices of others get in the way.

IrishEyes19

Thaedydal wrote: »

Or there is the stupid notion that bisexuals can't be monogamous. There is a lot of ignorance out there when it comes to bisexuality and a fair bit of biphobia.
But there are irish women for whom it's not a big deal, the right person will accept you and will be able to tell others to take a running jump rather then letting the prejudices of others get in the way.

Exactly, I mean bisexual is basically being attracted to male and females. It doesn't mean you don't want an exclusive relationship. Just as Thaedydal has said there, you'll find someone who is accepting of it because in this day and age, different sexualities is an accepted norm and rightly so.
I think that girl was very closed minded to be honest and in the long run, op, you're better of finding someone who isn't going to run away in the end. best of luck!

up for anything

It would be quite hard for someone insecure to have a relationship with a bisexual person. Instead of worrying about just one sex that they might fancy, you'd have to worry about nearly every person they came in contact with.

LegacyUser

I can only speak from experience, I've dated guys whom I have found out they were bi-sexual. I did find it a turn-off, to think about the fact they had been having sex with other men. When I found out, it immediately reduced my feelings to being completely platonic, however I never thought less of them as people, I even admired them in some way for being 'cool' or 'adventurous' and 'experienced'- I know that is silly but that was my idea of bisexual young people.

It wasn't because of prejudice I was turned off, since I had such a 'positive' image of bisexuals it should have been the other way if that was the case.

I really do not know why I found it to be such a turn off, it was just awkvard to think about the logistics of them being with another man. and I couldn't help thinking about it.

Bottle_of_Smoke

For a lot of women their husband leaving them for a man would be the ultimate humiliation, kids would take it terribly etc.

There's the belief that homo/bisexual men are promiscuous.

Then there's the whole AIDS issue. Right or wrong it is perceived to be a higher risk with men who have had sex with other men. I can kind of understand that because I would be extremely wary about sex with a black African woman.

I'd say the first reason is the the biggest fear factor and probably what your ex's sisters reacted to. In every marriage infidelity is a risk, so even if someone doesn't worry about promiscuity or HIV stereotypes, a woman doesn't have to worry (as much) about her straight husband having an affair with another man, which as I pointed out would be perceived by many as worse than their husband having an affair with a woman.

This might be hard to hear but I have a feeling your ex used this as a get out clause. If she really loved you I think it is very unlikely she would leave you over her sisters opinion, she certainly wouldn't be pushing for friendship with you either.

baby and crumble

It's down to insecurity. I'm gay and my gf is bi, I always knew she was, it was never a huge issue for me. Yes, when I'm feeling a bit low and blue I do think "well, maybe she fancies HIM now???" but then I give myself a virtual slap and cop onto myself. however, if i was feeling insecure all the time about my ability to keep her interested, then yeah, it would be an easy thing to get your knickers in a twist about.

plus a lot of people- myself included- have weird ideas about bisexuality. I don't have a problem with my gf fancying guys (she's in a relationship, she's not dead!), I just find it really difficult to understand. Why would ANYONE fancy men? (Sorry to all the guys out there, I just don't get it! )

i do find it weird that she would have told her sisters about it, and also that she's allowing her sisters reactions to colour her opinion of you and your relationship. That screams insecure to me. Just my 2c though.

nyarlothothep

my experience wrote: »

I can only speak from experience, I've dated guys whom I have found out they were bi-sexual. I did find it a turn-off, to think about the fact they had been having sex with other men. When I found out, it immediately reduced my feelings to being completely platonic, however I never thought less of them as people, I even admired them in some way for being 'cool' or 'adventurous' and 'experienced'- I know that is silly but that was my idea of bisexual young people.

It wasn't because of prejudice I was turned off, since I had such a 'positive' image of bisexuals it should have been the other way if that was the case.

I really do not know why I found it to be such a turn off, it was just awkvard to think about the logistics of them being with another man. and I couldn't help thinking about it.

So what would be the difference if this person was with another female in the past instead?

LegacyUser

OP here, some interesting replies so far. I'd like to reply to each in turn and clarify some points.

Neveah: I have in the past had relationships with two men. One bi and one gay. The first guy was bi, like myself, and we got on great. Very blokey and more like best friends than partners. The relationship quickly descended into the both of us out picking up girls together as we both felt we were missing out on female companionship. The usual stuff young lads, regardless of their sexuality, partake in. How many birds can you score? Parted on great terms and still in touch occasionally.
The second was with a gay lad and it was a disaster. He questioned me constantly about my attraction to women and he and his mates believed I would cheat. Eventually my longing for women came to the fore and I ended it rather than cheat. Bad vibes all round.
While I would never close myself off from a relationship with a man I know that I want a wife and kids someday. I'm quite traditional in some respects. Meeting bisexuals is also tricky as they are thin on the ground and often come out as gay after a while. I'd love to meet some though!

Cheap Thrills: While I respect your decision not to date bisexual guys I must strongly state that it is in no way linked to masculinity. Im perfectly comfortable with myself and no one has ever questioned my masculinity. Often girls and people in general dont believe I'm bi when I do tell them. I don't carry a purse and wear pearls. I'm a man.
As for picking a man over a woman because a woman could never compete is nonsense. Trust me on this.


Bottle of Smoke: The monogomy issue seems very common. All I can say is that I have never cheated on any partner I've had and would never get married have children unless I was sure it was for life. As for the Aids issue I've never had unprotected sex outside of a long term relationship and was screened at the beginning of my last one, the girl I posted about. I'm no more or less promiscous than any other thirty year old guy.

Pebbles68

Personally I would have no hangups about your past or sexuality, I have plenty of history myself. I would however have a problem if you wanted to have sex with another person male or female while in a relationship with me. It would probably be at the back of my mind all the time that you may be unsatisfied sexually and that's not a solid foundation for a long term relationship.

Bottle_of_Smoke

bi lad wrote: »

Bottle of Smoke: The monogomy issue seems very common. All I can say is that I have never cheated on any partner I've had and would never get married have children unless I was sure it was for life. As for the Aids issue I've never had unprotected sex outside of a long term relationship and was screened at the beginning of my last one, the girl I posted about. I'm no more or less promiscous than any other thirty year old guy.

Just to be clear, those points in my last post aren't views I hold myself, I just think a lot of women have them and I was trying to give you possibilities on why the girl/her sisters have reacted this way. Whilst I understand why some women have them, they are still prejudicial views.

Also didn't say it in my last post but you have my deepest sympathies. Its awful to lose someone for a characteristic you have no control over, and being honest about it

LegacyUser

As a woman I wouldn't be turned off by a bisexual man, or feel it would make him any less masculine. However if I was in a realtionship with him I would feel that there would always be something missing sexually that I could never give him and that would make me nervous. Let's face it there is a huge difference between having sex with a man and having sex with a woman, and if you like both and have to forgo one while in a mongamous relationship then you are going to miss it.
But at the end of the day it's about trust and if you trust someone to be faithful to you whether they are bi or straight or whatever then it shouldn't be an issue.

CathyMoran

I dated a man who was bi when I was younger, as it turns out I caught him kissing another man, some men cheat and unfortunatly he did but I would have had no problems with dating other bi men apart from the fact that I am happily married and have been with my husband for over 13 years.

LegacyUser

OP here. I got what you meant in your original post BottleofSmoke, but thanks for clarifying. I think you are right when you guessed her sister's reaction/opinion. They told her I would undoubtedly leave her for a man and not to waste any time on me. The real kicker is that she is one of the most independant, openminded, alternative people you could meet and is never swayed by the opinions of others. Her sisters reaction to me wasnt hurtful although we had all become good friends, her dropping me after a great year and 100% honesty has hurt me deeply. We had plans for the future, theoretically discussed our future lives together and enjoyed the best sex either of us had ever had. I guess you never know whats around the corner.

Chuchoter

bi lad wrote: »

OP here, some interesting replies so far. I'd like to reply to each in turn and clarify some points.

Neveah: I have in the past had relationships with two men. One bi and one gay. The first guy was bi, like myself, and we got on great. Very blokey and more like best friends than partners. The relationship quickly descended into the both of us out picking up girls together as we both felt we were missing out on female companionship. The usual stuff young lads, regardless of their sexuality, partake in. How many birds can you score? Parted on great terms and still in touch occasionally.
The second was with a gay lad and it was a disaster. He questioned me constantly about my attraction to women and he and his mates believed I would cheat. Eventually my longing for women came to the fore and I ended it rather than cheat. Bad vibes all round.
While I would never close myself off from a relationship with a man I know that I want a wife and kids someday. I'm quite traditional in some respects. Meeting bisexuals is also tricky as they are thin on the ground and often come out as gay after a while. I'd love to meet some though!

Cheap Thrills: While I respect your decision not to date bisexual guys I must strongly state that it is in no way linked to masculinity. Im perfectly comfortable with myself and no one has ever questioned my masculinity. Often girls and people in general dont believe I'm bi when I do tell them. I don't carry a purse and wear pearls. I'm a man.
As for picking a man over a woman because a woman could never compete is nonsense. Trust me on this.


Bottle of Smoke: The monogomy issue seems very common. All I can say is that I have never cheated on any partner I've had and would never get married have children unless I was sure it was for life. As for the Aids issue I've never had unprotected sex outside of a long term relationship and was screened at the beginning of my last one, the girl I posted about. I'm no more or less promiscous than any other thirty year old guy.

Now I could be completely wrong, but if a similar situation has happened to you twice before with you missing the other gender, then why wouldn't the girl be a bit worried?

cafecolour

For a lot of women, bi = gay, especially for guys (the idea of bi-women being a bit more accepted these days), and it's an immediate turn off.

And, as well, many gay men don't want to have a LTR with a biguy, thinking he'll eventually leave them for a woman, as it's just easier to do, society-wise.

There are definitely women out there, I can think of at least three female friends who seem to even prefer bi guys (friend one is with an openly bi-guy who they have occasional threesomes with; friend two is married to a guy who was dating a guy for 5 years before her - they are now married, monogamous, and have kids; friend three is dating a guy who is pretty much straight, but she keeps trying to get him to make out with guys when he's drunk since it turns her on).

LegacyUser

crayolastereo: You definitely make an interesting point in your last post. It's very difficult to explain here but I'll try. When im single or with a male partner my need for female companionship becomes very strong. I feel I'm missing out on a huge part of my life. That is why I try to avoid becoming a partner in a male-male couple. I dont want to hurt him by leaving him for a woman or staying with him and always feeling unhappy.
When I'm with a woman I would be lying if i said i never thought about other people sexually, male and female. But I think this is perfectly normal for everyone, we all have fantasies dont we? However when I'm in a happy relationship with a woman I never feel that longing for male company. That I'm missing out on something and would never be tempted to cheat with a man.


cafecolour: You are right about female bisexuality being almost a badge of honour. That differentiation is very interesting. She's experimental and edgy, he's a pervert or confused. Your friends stories are quite heartening, I think I really must be mixing in the wrong circles!

NoodlesGirl

I think I would not date a Bi because I do not find the thought of gay sex as attractive (not at all) and therefore would not find a bi man attractive. Illogical but true

I can't understand why your gf would dump you after a year together. She obviously never had an issue herself, I think it was weak minded of her to let other people influence her feelings.

baby and crumble

You definitely make an interesting point in your last post. It's very difficult to explain here but I'll try. When im single or with a male partner my need for female companionship becomes very strong. I feel I'm missing out on a huge part of my life. That is why I try to avoid becoming a partner in a male-male couple. I dont want to hurt him by leaving him for a woman or staying with him and always feeling unhappy.
When I'm with a woman I would be lying if i said i never thought about other people sexually, male and female. But I think this is perfectly normal for everyone, we all have fantasies dont we? However when I'm in a happy relationship with a woman I never feel that longing for male company. That I'm missing out on something and would never be tempted to cheat with a man.

I think this highlights something that some people won't admit- that a lot of bi people find one sex more attractive than the other. I know my gf finds females a lot more attractive than men, even though she still identifies as bi- on the 'continuum' I suppose she'd be 80-20 in favour of females, if that makes sense? The few people I've had conversations with around this topic will admit that while sexual attraction can be there for both genders, that serious, i could love you all my life and real connection kinda stuff is more likely to happen with one gender rather than the other.

And I think a lot of the rumours and stereotypes about bisexual people not being able to keep it in their pants stems from perhaps a lack of knowledge, and also to the lack of self-perception in bisexual people themselves who don't want to admit that.

Just my opinion though.

Also, LOL at the poster who said sex with a woman couldn't be as satisfying as sex with a man!

Moomoo1

bi lad wrote: »

Really looking for a female perspective on all of this, again. I did post previously asking why Irish girls, in general, seem to have a major aversion to dating bisexual guys, never had a problem on my travels or while I studied and worked abroad. There has been an update since however. I was lucky enough to meet one of the most beautiful, clever, sexy women I’ve ever had the pleasure of spending time with and together we enjoyed a very special year. We were both open and honest regarding our histories and I really thought we were heading somewhere. Recently however I noticed her pulling away from me emotionally and I finally took the step of asking her if we were still okay. She’d recently told her sisters about my bisexuality, something I don’t think she should have held back from them anyway, and their reaction was terrible. She asked could we end it civilly and still be friends? While we did end on speaking terms but I cant bring myself to be her friend. I’m hurt and starting to doubt whether I’ll ever find an Irish girl to spend the rest of my life with? Any personal experiences that might prove me wrong?

Under no circumstances should you be her friend. Don't fall into that trap.

LegacyUser

Hi op
Im bi and was upfront about it with my gf, we are both young and i was shocked with her reaction. She liked it and considered it a big turn on for her and wanted to no wat i got up to and the likes before we met when i did stuff younger. I've never cheated i'm madly in love with her she with me shes proud to have a bi bf. Its done things for our sex life thats good she wanted to see me with a man orally and i let it happen turned her on even more. We have also done mmf bi threesomes too there in september no interest in mff i got wat i wanted she got what she wanted and extra id no problem with her getting that. Some girls will be disgusted others will be delighted, chin up op and be proud that your honest and dont be afraid of being who u are.

LegacyUser

Good for you gflovesbi, good to know theres another bi guy my age out there. I must say though I've grown out of the whole threesome thing. Like everyone I've experimented and some might say gone further than most but i'm finished with all of that. If a girlfriend asked to see me being intimate with a man now I have to say I'd be very hesitant.
I have in the past met girls who seemed to think my sexuality was something to be examined or explored, something they could be witness to and have an edgy story to tell at dinner parties. When they realised it really wasnt a that big a deal they didnt consider me relationship material.
Also I do want to stress that im in no way bothered about my sexuality, just this situation. Im neither proud or ashamed. Its just me.