Am I too caring/sensitive to others?

LegacyUser

Right so I'm a 22 year old guy.

I can't help but feel like I'm too considerate of others some times, or that I overthink things immensely or that I get offended by the stupidest things.

1st off, you always hear the traditional "men and women have different ways of seeing potential relationships" malark. I seem to think that I always tend to act like a "traditional woman" in the sense that I rigorously analyse everything she does or doesn't do do down to how she coughs. Ok, well that last part isn't true but what I'm trying to say is that I can't help myself but get caught up in the details - if she doesn't respond to this, or if she gets annoyed at this or why doesn't she do this etc... You watch any chick flick and I'm acting like the girl in it when she's fretting over whether the guy will call or not.

I seem to over think the consequences of my actions around girls - eg if put my arm around her what if she doesn't like it and thinks I'm a creep? Or if try to kiss her and she rejects me. That sort of thing. I seem to have told myself I'm going to be the nice guy and as such, I've lost out on certain opportunities with girls I've liked due to a combination of not wanting to put her in a potentially awkward position and a fear of rejection.

I've made massive strides in this area but I still feel at times that there's a wall subconsciously thrown up between me and the outside world. It's as if I'm afraid of exposing myself for fear of getting hurt. I'm too preoccupied sometime with how I'm perceived by others that I forget to be myself.

Which brings me to my 2nd point. Again, I've made huge steps towards solving this but it's still there, lurking in the background waiting to strike when I least expect it. Let me say this first off, I consider myself to be quite observant. I'll pick up on the smallest things people do that others won't see. If friends are planning a prank, I'll generally know about it - that sort of thing... So anyways back to the topic. I pick up on the things people do non-verbally and I seem to find offense in it quite easily. If someone looks at me the wrong way, or uses a certain tone of voice, or stands in such and such a way etc... I get offended. Again as I've said, it doesn't happen so much anymore but it does occur enough to get me down at times.

I think I'm very considerate of other people. Too considerate in fact. It's rare that someone will put the same effort in to helping me that I do to helping them. I tell myself that "would they do this for me? Why am I helping them this much?" and I want to stop but I can't. I have to help them but when it comes around to it, I'm rarely afforded the same courtesy.

So I'm saying that:

a) I overthink things way too much (as evidenced by this post:))
b) I get offended by people way too easily.
c) I'm too kind to people who aren't reciprocal or appreciative of my efforts.

Sometimes I wish I was just a stereotypical guy who didn't care what other's thought, who couldn't give a sh*t of what they thought of him and didn't let anything bother him. But I can't be that. It's not in my nature to be a selfish d*ckhead even though there are time where I just wish I was.

However, I think I need some balance. It's not good to be a selfish d*ck but at the same time, it's equally bad (in some ways) to be an overemotional doormat that lets people walk all over me because I don't know how to say that little word called "no".

How do I find this balance and stop caring about what people think of me? I go through "purple patches" where I'm happy, where I feel incredible and where I just don't give a feck about what people think of me at all. The problem is maintaining this attitude. Every time I go through this phase, it inevitably peters out after a while - even though I try my hardest to keep it up - and I'm left in the dumps feeling blue. It's almost bipolar.

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I'm a girl.. also 22..

I could have written that post myself! I would describe myself as a very kind, caring and considerate person. I believe in treating people the way I would like to be treated. I (like you) put myself in the other persons shoes.

But.. as a wise person once said to me.. "not everybody is like you". They may/may not get upset at some of the things that upset/annoy you.

I also go through phases where I care about what other people think about me. Then someone says/ does something to hurt/offend me and I think.. I don't care any more.. (when really I do)

I've recently been very hurt by the actions of someone else. It was a very harsh lesson. It made me look at people and really think. After it I became very cynical. Now, I think.. well there are some people that do things to benefit themselves.. but there are also lots of good people in the world too. It made me think of the genuinly nice people I know.. I'm sure you know people like this too!

I think our problem.. generally speaking.. is thinking too much... and I think the only way to solve this is to make ourselves busy. I have taken up a lot of exercise after recent events. As a result, I feel fitter, trimmer and calmer!

Heckler

From reading your post to me what you have described is your ingrained personality and without wanting to seem harsh I don't think there is much you can do to change it.

This isn't a bad thing.

You'll get lots of people telling you to do this and that to change yourself but sometimes people have an innate personality. They can waste their time trying to be someone else and will be usually unsuccessful and a whole lot unhappier in the process of trying.

Enjoy being yourself, you sound like a nice guy.