How to explain this if he asks?

LegacyUser

First off I want to say that this is a really sensitive topic for me. I'm not even sure if I have a right to feel so emotional about it, since nothing particularly bad ACTUALLY HAPPENED to me.

My current boyfriend has recently suggested that we 'try new things in the bedroom'. Of course this could mean a number of things, but the possibility I'm worried about is anal sex. I actually feel physically frightened of it. Sounds silly, right? Well, I have a reason, but I'm not sure it's even a good excuse for my trauma. I'd like if some of you would tell me if you'd laugh in my face for using this as a reason not to try anal with a new person:

A couple of years ago I tried anal with my ex. We made a couple of attempts at it, but no matter how much lube we used or how easy he went, I always ended up in pain and bleeding for days afterwards. I eventually made the decision that I didn't want to do it - full stop - it was too much. Next time he asked to try it I refused. I told him I didn't want to do that ever again. And he got angry. He pinned me down and demanded that I tell him why I was denying him. I told him exactly why. He still insisted he wanted to do it. When I told him to get off me there was a moment - a quick flash in his eyes - where it looked like he wasn't going to give up. It was frightening, I'll admit it. I thought he was going to do something drastic. So I shoved him off and told him to get to hell away from me. Almost as soon as I did this he reverted to a sweet, soothing voice. Asking why I was being so aggressive, telling me I needed to think better of him. I left after that. I've never been able to even consider anal since.

If your new girlfriend hit you with a something like that, would you think her contempt for the act was reasonable? Am I being to rash, cutting something out of my life after one incident? Is it understandable that I'm so emotional over the subject?

AJG

I'd be thinking twice about the guy if he 'pinned' you down. Sounds pretty suspect to me. Trying new things is all well and good. But he seems a little too desperate to fusk you in the ass. Sounds like he's overly preoccupied with it. Not too loving or caring if you ask me.

LegacyUser

`no matter....how easy he went, I always ended up in pain and bleeding for days afterwards`. You poor thing, what a bastard. The man did not go easy, he bullied you into letting yourself be damaged and then when you refused he nearly raped you??? Thank God you finally left, its a pity you didnt go after the first time he hurt you like that.

Enjoy yourself with your new man. Love making should be fun, and theres lots of fun finding out new ways to do it. You just have one thing off your menu. Thats no problem, lots of other things to do.

You dont have to explain, just steer things in a different direction. Andf he does ask have you ever tried it or if you want to try it, say that you did try before and it was painful so no thanks. Then suggest something else...

Darthhoob

AJG wrote: »

I'd be thinking twice about the guy if he 'pinned' you down. Sounds pretty suspect to me. Trying new things is all well and good. But he seems a little too desperate to fusk you in the ass. Sounds like he's overly preoccupied with it. Not too loving or caring if you ask me.

it was her ex who did that not her current BF.

OP i hear you...i went through a similar experience...difference is i actually want to try it...but when we get started i bail out soon as i feel some pain ...my OH is really understanding and isn't too bothered about it himself though...and knows my full story.

there is no harm in being honest, any man worth your time would understand and be patient...it certainly isn't anything you should feel ashamed of and hide x and it certainly is a VERY GOOD excuse for not wanting to do it x (though tbh you either want to or dont....shouldn't have to find any excuse?)

Daisy Steiner

Hi OP,

That sounds like a really horrible incident with your ex. Honest to god you should NEVER feel pressurised to do ANY kind of sexual act that you feel uncomfortable with.

I can see why your current boyfriend's suggestion is making you feel apprehensive but you don't know for sure what he is going to suggest so don't freak out too much.

If it is anal he's after simply say no. If pushed for a reason then tell him about the physical side-affects that you have experienced.

Anal is not for everyone (myself included, it's an exit not an entry )

Just stay calm and talk about it rationally and calmly.

Best of luck.

SheRa

AJG I take it from the OP's post that her ex did this, not the current boyfriend.

OP, firstly it is perfectly ok, if your boyf does bring up anal s e x, for you to say straight off that you are not comfortable doing it. You can explain if you really want to, but hon you dont have to.

I have to admit I am a little concerned for you, that you would even feel that your reasons for not wanting to try a particular sex act, would cause anyone to laugh at you.

In realtion to your experience of your ex, that sounds horrifying. Its awful that he pinned you down and scared you and you thought that he was going to force himself on you, and its also awful that even after you being in pain and bleeding he still kept bringing up anal.

Im so glad for you that you and your safety that you broke up with him.
Mind yourself and remember that you do not have to do anything that you are not comfortable with, and you do not need to explain yourself either.
xxxx

pwd

You say this: "I dont want to do that."
Your prerogative. No explanation required.

LegacyUser

pwd wrote: »

You say this: "I dont want to do that."
Your prerogative. No explanation required.

totally agree. Sex is supposed to be fun if the chicks not into it build a bridge.

Blowfish

Gulpin wrote: »

I'd like if some of you would tell me if you'd laugh in my face for using this as a reason not to try anal with a new person:

Anybody who laughs in your face for that deserves to be taken out and shot.

If he's in any way decent, he'll understand.

LegacyUser

Sybill wrote: »

`no matter....how easy he went, I always ended up in pain and bleeding for days afterwards`. You poor thing, what a bastard. The man did not go easy, he bullied you into letting yourself be damaged and then when you refused he nearly raped you??? Thank God you finally left, its a pity you didnt go after the first time he hurt you like that.

Enjoy yourself with your new man. Love making should be fun, and theres lots of fun finding out new ways to do it. You just have one thing off your menu. Thats no problem, lots of other things to do.

You dont have to explain, just steer things in a different direction. Andf he does ask have you ever tried it or if you want to try it, say that you did try before and it was painful so no thanks. Then suggest something else...

OP here
Trouble is, I have a hard time accepting that what he did was actually attempted rape. I mean, I know he had no right to do what he did, but ultimately he stopped of his own volition. He could have continued when I pushed him away, but he didn't. I keep comparing what happened to real rape stories I've heard (and I have a friend that had a proper nightmare) and feeling like a coward in comparisson to what they went through. I came out uninjured, with not even a bruise on my wrist where he held me. Only casuality was a bruised ego. Maybe I'm in denial but I just feel like I'm feeling sorry for myself.

ztoical

OP sex is about both parties enjoying it so if you don't want to do something you just say no end of. Lets put the past nasty BF aside for a second, what happens if your boyfriend asked you to do something else in bed that you'd never tired but knew wouldn't turn you on? Would you just agree to trying anything? What if you asked your boyfriend to try something he wasn't into and he said no? Would you laugh at him? No you'd say far enough and maybe suggest something else.

Sleepy

"I don't want to try that, how about XYZ (that you would like to try)?"

If he forces the issue "I tried it before, I didn't enjoy it, end of story."

fungun

how long are you going out?

you describe yourself as a 'new gf' but he is asking about new things in the bedroom already?

You could just say you want to do it, but an answer of "I tried it a few times but didnt like it" closes the argument more in my mind, and you should be able to say this to a bf.

I say this because Id advise to say 'no' in a way that closes the argument, rather than him wondering will you change your mind, or that maybe you will be willing in the future. Better to just be clean and direct and take it off the table.

Also Id recommend turning this down in a nice way...like at the same time as saying you dont want to do that, then say 'well how about we try this instead'

Bottle_of_Smoke

Gulpin wrote: »

OP here
Trouble is, I have a hard time accepting that what he did was actually attempted rape. I mean, I know he had no right to do what he did, but ultimately he stopped of his own volition. He could have continued when I pushed him away, but he didn't. I keep comparing what happened to real rape stories I've heard (and I have a friend that had a proper nightmare) and feeling like a coward in comparisson to what they went through. I came out uninjured, with not even a bruise on my wrist where he held me. Only casuality was a bruised ego. Maybe I'm in denial but I just feel like I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I wouldn't see it as attempted rape myself. Perhaps that crossed his mind but you'll never know for sure so it isn't worth thinking about.

I get the impression you're using this to justify not having anal sex with your new boyfriend.

Is it possible you just really don't want to have anal sex with him? As that is completely fine, you absolutely do not have to justify your refusal. I think only a small minority of people enjoy receiving it, many more will do it to please their partner but if it causes you a lot of pain it is not in any way unreasonable to refuse.

I think most guys would like to do it with a girl, but at the same time realise that most girls will not allow it.

So basically you should deal with the incident where your ex intimidated you completely separately to your new relationships. And I do think you should deal with it - it sounds like a horrible experience in itself, there's no need to be diminishing it by comparing it to rape

OP - It seems like the choice not to do anal, and the incident that followed it have become intertwined in your head and this is not unexpected nor is it therefore a surprise that you are very emotional about it.

They are however worth separating. You want to know what to explain to your boyfriend if the subject comes up with him? Explain exactly what you did to the last boyfriend.

The result of this last time was unfortunate but thankfully a rare incident. Most guys will not react to being honestly told what you do not want to do, and why, like that guy did.

It appears now when you say “Am I being to rash, cutting something out of my life after one incident?” that you are retrospectively thinking you do not want anal because of how the guy reacted to you not wanting anal. This is not so. Before he ever reacted that way you had tried it and you had made up your mind about it and your reasons for your decision were sound. The incident has nothing to do with you not wanting a certain sexual act in your life.

Try and separate the incident and the decision in your mind. You made the right decision for you and you made it for the right reasons, that is all that matters now if another guy asks you for the same thing. These are the reasons you give to the next guy who asks you for it.

As for discussing the incident with your current boyfriend, that is entirely up to you. Again however I would separate the two things before doing it. What you do not want to do is mix them up in his head as he will likely think to himself “I would not treat her that way… yet that is why she does not want anal…. therefore if she does not want anal with me does that mean she thinks me capable of treating her the same way…..”

Again, there are two issues here and they are seperate:

One you do not like anal, and you have reasons for that, and if another guy asks you to do it then these are the reasons you give him.

Two a guy treated you pretty badly and this has nothing to do with anal. It has to do with you expressing yourself and him not wanting to accept your decision.

aidan24326

So the ex inisisted on anal even though it was bloody and painful for you? Hmmm, nice guy he was.

If you don't want to you don't want to, it's as simple as that really. If you tell your new bf that previous attempts left you in pain for days, I would imagine that to be reason enough not to do it, quite aside from your unnerving experience with the ex.

Sardonicat

OP, you do not have to give any reason if you don't want to. If he is a decent fella, and the vast majority are, he'll accept that. He may not even bring it up. You don't need to justify your sexual likes and dislikes. Anyone pressuring you to even try something that your not into should be shown the door.Ultimately, you decide what happens to your body, no-one else. There are no hard and fast rules about what is normal.If something aint your cuppa then it aint your cuppa.I don't know any woman who likes anal. I'm sure there are some out there, I just don't know any. Personally, I would not ever consider it and won't be apologising for it. So, if the new guy suggests it, just say no thanks, not for me. End off. If he pressurieses you, show him the door.

What your last boyfriend did to you was coerce and bully you. Well done for getting away from him. What he did was serious so don't feel like you are being over dramatic. You are not.

If this guy starts pressuring you to try anal, try this response:

"Great, I love anal. You bend over and I'll get my giant dildo strapped on. ****, I'm all outta lube, you don't mind do you?"

That should cure him.

Oryx

If you say you dont want to do it/ dont like the idea of it, thats enough. Its all you ever have to say. Whether you say more about it to your guy is down to you. There are plenty of other new things to try in the bedroom.

I agree with taxAHcruel though, that you have made an association between anal sex and the assault that your ex partner made on you. They are two completely separate things. Your ex was a pr1ck, the fact that he liked anal is incidental. You can call your experience a trauma though. You dont have to be raped to be traumatised, and you can allow yourself that, but also try to move on from it. You got that guy out of your life and thats over, you have a new man you can trust now.

It is possible to enjoy anal, Im the opposite to Sardonicat, I do know girls who do. But there is a whole menu of sexual preferences out there, some try one or two things and are happy, others gotta sample all there is. There is no right or wrong in that. You do what makes you happy, and turned on, and what you can relax and enjoy with your partner. Sex is not something that should be endured, it should be shared. You dont have to be a porn star to be a good lover.

silkworm53

Hi OP

I have never met a woman who has ever enjoyed anal sex.
Women only allow men to have sex with them in their anus to please them.
Most women find it painful and uncomfortable and humiliating.
Porn movies have created a myth that women like anal sex - a girl is paid thousands to pretend like she does.
Porn movies are just male fantasy and caters for pathetic men who can't get women because they are insecure and that insecurity manifests in hatred and violence toward women in the real world.
I once had anal sex with a girl and I didn't like it - she asked me to do it to her because she thought I wanted to - she had been with other guys who did it so she assumed I wanted it too.
She told me she hated having anal sex and only did it because she thought all guys wanted to. I only did it to her because I thought she wanted to.
I much prefer vaginal sex and women I have been with prefer vaginal sex over anal sex.
I suspect that men who want anal sex are probably closet homosexuals who are pretending to be straight but too scared to have sex with men.
If a woman is being pressured into having anal sex she should insist she be allowed to do the same to him with a strap on.
That should stop him in his tracks!

ManOfMystery

silkworm53 wrote: »

Hi OP

I have never met a woman who has ever enjoyed anal sex.
Women only allow men to have sex with them in their anus to please them.
Most women find it painful and uncomfortable and humiliating.
Porn movies have created a myth that women like anal sex - a girl is paid thousands to pretend like she does.
Porn movies are just male fantasy and caters for pathetic men who can't get women because they are insecure and that insecurity manifests in hatred and violence toward women in the real world.
I once had anal sex with a girl and I didn't like it - she asked me to do it to her because she thought I wanted to - she had been with other guys who did it so she assumed I wanted it too.
She told me she hated having anal sex and only did it because she thought all guys wanted to. I only did it to her because I thought she wanted to.
I much prefer vaginal sex and women I have been with prefer vaginal sex over anal sex.
I suspect that men who want anal sex are probably closet homosexuals who are pretending to be straight but too scared to have sex with men.
If a woman is being pressured into having anal sex she should insist she be allowed to do the same to him with a strap on.
That should stop him in his tracks!

Wow, I've read some ridiculous statements in my time but this takes the biscuit. You make so many unfounded generalisations in that one paragraph it's actually left me speechless.

ztoical

silkworm53 wrote: »

I have never met a woman who has ever enjoyed anal sex.
Women only allow men to have sex with them in their anus to please them.
Most women find it painful and uncomfortable and humiliating.
Porn movies have created a myth that women like anal sex - a girl is paid thousands to pretend like she does.

So what about lesbians who enjoy anal play? They can't be faking enjoying it to please some guy.

Anal sex is like all sexual activities some people enjoy it some don't. I know gay men who don't like anal sex and women who love it, I know some who've enjoyed it with one partner but not another there is no hard and fast rule. Also don't assume a strap on would put a guy off, there are straight guys out there who enjoy anal play with their GF. And anal sex does not need to be full on penetration but that's a discussion for a different forum.

But we're going off topic, OP just be straight forward with your OH about what you'd like to try in the bedroom and what your not comfortable with. You don't need a big explanation to go with it.

Nevyn

silkworm53 had been banned from the forum and I can't see them returning any time soon.

sun_moon_stars

op im sorry to hear what happened to you
nobody has a right to force you to do anything your not comfortable with and demean you in that way.
You have every right to say what you are comfortable with and if you dont want to explain it to you current boyfriend you dont have to either just tell him you wouldn't like to try it and he will understand and remember not every man is in to anal sex so he may not even suggest it.
either way dont worry about it relax and be glad that the other guy is in your past

dub_3

First off you're well rid of that ex, hopefully you've got a good guy this time.

Make a list of things you may like to try, so if your new bf suggests anything you're not that keen on you will have alternatives to offer. Hopefully there will be plenty of common ground for things you will both enjoy.

If he suggests anal, say that you had a bad experience with it before, you're not sure you could ever enjoy it and certainly not going to try it this early in a new relationship.

Either he accepts that and offers you sympathy rather than pressure,
or he is not worth knowing, so dump him.

At some point in the future, if he has proved himself at giving you pleasure in the bedroom and is a good guy outside of it, and you are comfortable with him and trust him ... then and only then should you reconsider anal.

You had a bad experience with a bad guy before. It needn't always be like that. If you were nervous when trying it before, then your sphincter would have been closed tight, it's an involuntary reaction. If that's the case then it's pretty much guaranteed the experience would hurt (even with lube)

If and when you're ready, your new guy is going to have to do lots of play with your bum before attempting the full act.

Make sure he knows you're game to try some playfulness, but do not want to go for full penetration.

If he likes the idea of kissing your bum that would be a good start to getting you relaxed.

Massaging some or all of your body with baby oil before getting onto massaging your bum could be good. Then he could gently insert a finger, then two if that goes well.

After several experiences of fingers or other objects being inserted and both of you can feel that your bum relaxes rather than tightens when something is inserted, then you're ready to go for it.

You might find it's not your most favourite act, but you shouldn't be hurt and bleeding. If it makes him really happy, just do it. Now he owes you a big favour. Tell him what you want and have him deliver upon it before he gets in your bum again !

On the other hand you might find it's an enjoyable experience (when done right) and it could be a great thrill to offer your bum to a good guy, rather than have it demanded of you by a bad guy.

If you don't want it all the time, it could be the perfect activity for 'that time of the month'

If you can't get into it after a reasonable attempt, then just tell him it's not for you, he can't complain that you didn't try.

If you're not getting much out of it and only doing it for his sake, then restrict it to special occasions. e.g. his birthday. (once a year isn't too bad)

Ask if he wants you to buy yourself some nice lingerie to get in the mood for his birthday fun or would he prefer a new ipod.

If he goes for the ipod, then the word ANAL need never spoken in your bedroom again.

If he goes the other route, have him tell his friends / family that you gave him a 'gift voucher' (if you don't want to explain the details)

PS good luck with trying new things, whatever they may be.

WhodahWoodah

OP in your OP you said that he thus far has only said that he'd like to try new things in the bedroom. He hasn't specifically suggested anal yet. You could be getting yourself worked up over nothing - maybe he just wants to talk 69 or wax or ice or chocolate sauce! Maybe he just wants to do it in the living room or on the kitchen table! Maybe he wants to suck your toes or muck about with a vibrator!

Why not get in there first and just tell him you're up for most things but you draw the line at anal. You don't even have to tell him about your nasty previous experience. Just tell him the idea of it really turns you off - you wouldn't even be lying, it DOES turn you off. Don't get into silly nitpicking about how would he like a dildo up his ass or whatever because that's not really the point. You're not interested in putting things up there so what's it got to do with anything.

I'd say he just wants to spice it up a bit. Possibly the thought of anal has crossed his mind but if you just tell him up straight that it turns you off I'm sure he'll go off the idea again. Most of the Casanovas out there like to think they're pleasing their sexual partners so I doubt he'll push something you've been so clear about being against. Also if you suggest a few of the things from my first paragraph, you two should be kept busy enough for long enough that the whole idea of anal is forgotten about!

And there's always the point that if you tell him you don't like the idea of it and he still keeps pushing for it anyway, then maybe you have to ask yourself how much care and respect does he really have for you. Some guys would never dream of giving head. We all have things we are and aren't willing to do in life and we have a right to decide what "acts" fall into what categories!

Have fun spicing things up however you end up doing it!!