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Looking for some critique on a poem :)

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  • 14-11-2010 9:13pm
    #1
    W.S.C FOSTER
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11 ✭


    Reference to a twitching eye
    Salty bones in a blizzard of unknown
    A candle darker than my friend
    Than my sun,than my mother
    The turnip bleeds
    I look you up
    Do you ever come down
    And does the spiral colour itself in your eyes
    Or does your mind trick itself
    Does it believe me
    A paper weight is not but glass
    Do you like your reflection
    Does the dog taste good
    It would've bitten you otherwise
    The longing for solace and the moons blindness is prolonging your unhappiness is it not
    A dirt haired rabbit is laughing at the fieldmouse that looks like you
    What childhood trauma lurks within
    A monthly savage magazine
    Why are you wheezing
    And your eyes they are bloody lies
    And they will live when you are past your date in time
    And the candle will shine someday
    If you pour enough of yourself or your oil next to it.


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    #2
    Call Me Jimmy
    Registered Users Posts: 8,449 ✭✭✭Call Me Jimmy


    One of the best pieces of writing on boards. Not imo. Just is. I understand.


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    #3
    W.S.C FOSTER
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11 ✭W.S.C FOSTER


    Call Me Jimmy wrote: »
    One of the best pieces of writing on boards. Not imo. Just is. I understand.

    Thank you so much :) I'm considering putting some more stuff up, you just gave me a confidence boost to do so :)


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    #4
    W.S.C FOSTER
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11 ✭W.S.C FOSTER


    The beauty within a shadow

    　
    If I could see you later
    Where would that be
    And if I told you something
    Would you stay
    If a flower were your only competition
    Would the flames envelope your face
    Would the skys weep
    As you fall
    Would the eclipse
    Make you stronger
    And if I whisper a secret
    Would it hurt like this
    Where is the stronghold of your heart
    And if a shadow kissed me
    Would we live in blissful ignorance
    As the maidens follow suit
    Would the angels be smitten by you
    If the water rose a growing seed
    The water would lose in an instant to you
    And if the wings had been clipped
    You would fall into my arms
    And the moon would smile over us
    If I could see you later
    Would it be like this
    The description of an artists fantasy
    Would it hurt like a fire
    Would it burn like everything else I've seen
    Or would it be beautiful like thee.


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