Issues with long time friend- should I cut my losses and move on?

LegacyUser

Hi all, just looking for advice on a matter which has been bugging me a lot of late. I am female and 23 years old.
The problem I have is one with a friend I have known since I was about 5. There have been a couple of comments/incidents that are making me loose the energy to even talk to this girl, never mind be her friend. I am just looking for outside perspectives here.
First of all, this girl seems to get a thrill our of others misfortunes. If another girl in the group has difficulties with a guy or it doesn't work out, she gets all smug about it in the way she says what has happened as if she is happy about it. She is so quick to judge people, needs to know everyones business and then uses it against them at a later date. She will bring up something that happened years ago to prove her point her if you do something wrong it always gets dragged up.

About a month ago there were three of us having a chat one day about guys. I was saying after my summer away (went travelling ) I am gone more choosy over guys i choose to kiss or give my number too. Not that I would kiss anyone before but these times, if I am out and not in the mood to chat to guys I'm just not bothered, end of. Her reply to this was "you are never fussy about guys, you would nearly kiss anyone". I have two objections to this, first of all it's not true. Second of all, this girl will only go out in our homeplace, I never kiss guys in my homeplace so she doesn't even be out on the nights where I do kiss guys.

After a night out three weeks ago, we were waiting for a lift home. I got food for everyone and rang her to see where my friend who was dropping her home was parked. I asked was there enough room for me as sometimes the girl who was driving sisters often come home too. She said I'm not sure but come over to the car anyway. I got in and the reason she wasn't sure if I had a lift home was she had a boy she had just kissed in the car who was obviously expecting a lift home. I was so annoyed at her for expecting me to stay on my own after a night out because she wanted to drop this guy home. I have driven out my fair share of nights and we always go home together or share lifts so this really annoyed me. I sat into the car and when the driver was ready to leave, she told this guy to get out of the car. My friend said nothing but looked put out and said nothing for the whole way home. I said nothing to her as she is never wrong, would have denied it ever happened but cut back a bit on texts and calls.

The next thing she has done lately has really upset me. In our group of maybe ten friends there was a Kris Kringle done last year. Last weekend, she texted me to see was I participating this year. I text back and said no I wasn't because last year I didn't get my present until April which defeats the purpose of the whole thing and second of all I thought the amount of money to spend (50-70) was a bit much and I would do it if the money was less. I wasn't going to spend 50-70e on a girl I only see once very 3 or 4 months and don't particularly get on with anymore. This could have been the case had I picked out two certain names. Also while I could afford it, I still think 50-70e is a too much for a Kris Kringle. Her reply was "its very strange how you're the only one in the group with a permanent job yet you're the only one who can't afford it". I was really upset with this as how does a permanent job come into whether I can afford it or not. People having temporary jobs could be on more money than I am. It wasn't a case of not affording it, it was more a case of the above and the fact I didn't get my present until April.

I think she has treated me badly lately. As I have known the girl so long, it would be a shame for our friendship to stop but I feel I have no option. Whatever way I bring up my issues, she won't be wrong but these things have hurt me. I am just thinking what is the best thing to do at this stage as I feel the next time she makes one of these comments I will loose my temper and that will solve nothing? I just think our friendship is more hassle than it is worth at this stage. Thanks if you manages to stay reading this far.

merlie

If all your friend can do is gossip about others lives and doesn't see any faults or failings of her own, then there are other issues going on in her life that may possibly you don't know about. People can always transfer, talk about everything else and so forth but not about themselves. It does sound like she is insecure and as she has been your friend for so long, perhaps you could ask her what's going on, as you noticed a tendency to be critical of others and so forth, that it is worrying you. Ask her about how things are in her personal or home life. There is a root to this problem, but it is the finding out that is most important.

She may not be exactly forthcoming straight off but keep at it and you may just be surprised.

Just talk with her.

beks101

One thing you have to remember is that she's a friend, she's not family. This means you have the benefit of choosing whether or not she is a part of your life.

Don't maintain the friendship just because it's a lifelong one. People change and sometimes their change is not compatible with who you are. You are not the same person today that you were when you were five years old and you are not indebted to the friendship just because it is a long-serving one. What are you getting from your friendship with her, aside from the misery and insecurity and snide put-downs? Does she bring anything positive to the table and does she have the traits that you consider important in a friend?

Also, you can have different types of friends in your life. Maybe it's not going to be socially possible to completely cut this girl out of your life, but it is possible to demote her to the role of acquaintance rather than close friend. It will probably improve your relationship with her too, if you decide that she is not going to be someone you rely on, confide in, trust, etc and just allow her to be someone you meet socially when in a wider circle of friends.

In a nutshell, life is too short for crap friends. Put yourself first.

dolphin city

sounds like she is insecure and picking up on anything to make you feel bad.

the friends you have in your 20's are going to be different to the ones you had as a teenager - you grow apart - this is what is happening. Maybe she was always like this but you are only noticing now as you are growing up a bit.

as for KK - don't do it if you don't want - you don't have to give her an excuse either. Maybe you are just too good to her. Ease away from her a bit and go out with other people. Just sounds like ye are growing apart which is normal.

Overheal

Live in the moment, it doesnt matter if you've known her since you were 5: if you don't enjoy her company don't entertain it.

smelltheglove

Oh that so reminds me of someone, not in my life but in my sisters. All I can say is, cut contact or continue to feel like this after every meet for the next 10+ years.

But remember, your friend is never wrong so it has to be your fault you cut contact;)

Nasty_Girl

You either have to not socialize with this person anymore or ignore her silliness.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you ever confronted her OP? Has anyone ever challenged her on things she says/does?

if she's out with you and says something mean about someone else why not say "Why do you say that?". She may not realise that she is constantly so negative. Or she may well realise, and just may not care! Unless you tell her that things she does annoy you, you are not giving her the chance to change.

Now maybe it's too late for that, and maybe she's just a very immature person, who will never/can never change. If that's the case you are better off limiting the amount of time you spend with her. As others have mentioned - people drift apart. Early 20's is a funny age.. people mature and move on at different stages. You seem happy to leave the childishness behind you, your friend doesn't seem ready yet. Maybe she'll never move on from it.. but she doesn't have to be your problem forever.