She never says....

LegacyUser

Going unreg.

I have been going out with my GF for over two years now. I love her very much and we are talking about starting a family etc...... We are both in our late 20s.

Anyway when we first started seeing each-other she was very tame in bed. In fact she was terrible. Only ever one position, no oral, no feedback. In short, very unsatisfying.

I knew she had had very few previous sexual partners before me and was pretty inexperienced. I, on the other hand had had many sexual partners and would consider myself quite adventurous in bed.

The relationship nearly never got started because the sex was so unsatisfying. But apart from the sex everything else about her was great. really great. So I took it slowly and tried to be as understanding as I could and slowly but surely she began to get a bit more adventurous.

The problem is she never asks for anything sex wise. She does everything that I like but is completely indifferent when I try to return the favor.

It has alway been important for me that any sexual partner is enjoying themselves as much as I am but when ever I ask (which is often) what she likes and what she would like me to do she just replies with "i'm fine".

Now this sort of attitude would be wonderful if i was a selfish lover but i'm not. I'm always left very satisfied and I know she is not. But she just does not seem to care. I have tried everything from talk to toys with little success.

All she ever says is "i'm fine don't worry about it".

Lately I have just stopped trying to doing anything for her because she gives me no feed back either way. The sex now is pretty much all about what I want which sounds great from a guys point of view but its really not.

You cant just accuse me of bad technique either because if that is the case she should say something but she does not.... very frustrating.

Any similar experiences or advice would be great.

LegacyUser

Has she ever had an orgasm, do you think? A real humdinger...?

LegacyUser

OP has she ever had an orgasm?
If she's never had an orgasm well then it could simply be a case of her not knowing what she's missing?

It has alway been important for me that any sexual partner is enjoying themselves as much as I am but when ever I ask (which is often) what she likes and what she would like me to do she just replies with "i'm fine".

I'm not having a go at you OP but constantly nagging at someone to see if they're enjoying sex really doesn't help the situation. From personal experience i've had guys get frustrated when giving me oral (it just doesn't do a whole lot for me), it feels great but i'll never cum from it, but the constant nagging to see if i'm close to coming (i know it was meant with good intention like you they wanted to please me) gets very very frustrating and takes from it, sometimes its nice to just enjoy something for what it is and that constant "do you like that etc" puts a lot of pressure on her...

Does she masturbate?
maybe getting her to do so in front of you, might help you to see how/where she likes to be touched and whatnot?

Maybe ask her about her fantasies, might give you more of an incite into what turns her on?

Instead of asking her what she wants you to do, ask her to show you what she you wants you to do?

I do think its a little strange that she's so indifferent, but it could simply be that she just doesn't know her own body?

Jenneke87

Op, does she actually likes sex?Is there a possibility she´s only having sex to please you? Sex for me, for a long time, felt as though someone was trying to push my womb out through my nose.....Maybe sex is painful/uncomfortable for her and she doesn´t dare to tell. I know I didn´t dare to, I was scared my boyfriend wouldn´t take me seriously, or leave me over it.

I hope you get to resolve the issue, I can imagine this is frustrating for the both of you...

prinz

How do you know she isn't satisfied? Not everyone is into experimentation or whatever. She seems to be ok with whatever it is you are doing... what reasons do you have for thinking she is not enjoying herself other than her not having a list of things to do?

LegacyUser

OP here

Sybill wrote: »

Has she ever had an orgasm, do you think? A real humdinger...?

She has never come through penetrative sex but I have made her come by flicking the bean.

Never a screaming orgasm but one all the same.

000100010101 wrote: »

Does she masturbate?

maybe getting her to do so in front of you, might help you to see how/where she likes to be touched and whatnot?

I do think its a little strange that she's so indifferent, but it could simply be that she just doesn't know her own body?

No. I have asked does she masturbate and she says she doesn't. She says it makes her feel uncomfortable. I find this really strange.

She was abused when she was younger and I think thois has allot to with it. But she ABSOLUTELY refuses to talk about it. Either with me or a professional.

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Op, does she actually likes sex?Is there a possibility she´s only having sex to please you? both of you...

I think there is every possibility that she is only having sex to please me.

And if that is the case do you think you could spend the rest of your life with someone like this.

She is not a great communicator at all. Never shares how she feels about things and never want to talk about sex. I don't push it either. Whenever I suggest something she just says for me to do what ever I want or she will to me what ever I want. But when it comes to her enjoyment.... nothing... "i'm fine"

Cheap Thrills!

Hi OP,

Well there is a lot there. I think you need to slightly back off and give her a little space here. You need to build a bit more trust with her as I would get the impression she feels somewhat pressured and out of her depth.

If she was abused and doesn't want to talk about it (the actual abuse), don't pressure her but maybe you could do a bit of research yourself to get some perspective on how it can affect someones sexuality. Be sensitive and open. If she wants to open up simply listen, if you get a conversation going see if she has done any counselling work in relation to the abuse. If she hasn't encourage her to think about that, agree to support her and go along for moral support if she needs or simply just wait outside. Whatever she needs.

Things like that take a long time to work out but can be successfully overcome.

Now on to performance anxiety. As the second poster said, if she feels that you are over-focused on her reaction it could make her psychologically 'freeze' and be unable to relax and let go. It is great when a man is eager to please but in another way it is pressure. It can certainly cause a person to feel self-conscious worrying about whether they are reacting 'right' etc. By constantly seeking feedback from her it is putting her on the spot about something which she may not feel too confident about.

And finally, it could well be that despite everything she is not that sexual of a person and is more than satisfied with plain old vanilla sex. Many such people exist and if that is her natural way then it can't be changed. It can seem hard to believe if you are more sexual but it is perfectly normal.

I suppose all you can do is be patient and try not to pressure her. See if you can build up a bit of trust and take the focus off 'performance' Compliment her on something you do like about her in bed, her kiss, her touch, something.....a lot of people respond much better to compliments than criticism.

Well, I hope you can work it out!

prinz

123loverboy wrote: »

She has never come through penetrative sex but I have made her come by flicking the bean. Never a screaming orgasm but one all the same...

More of a tv- movie-land idea tbh. Not saying it doesn't sometimes get loud but if you are expecting a scream-the-street-down orgasm à la SATC or something you could be waiting a long time.

123loverboy wrote: »

No. I have asked does she masturbate and she says she doesn't. She says it makes her feel uncomfortable. I find this really strange..

Not really that strange or uncommon. It could be she's just not that into it, I know as a fella I'm not, I wasn't abused either so it might have nothing to do with it. It just never really felt 'right' for me... and before someone jumps in with some Catholic guilt nonsense that has nothing to do with it either. Just never found masturbating a turn on.

The abuse could be presenting issues for your GF though but only professional help will get to the bottom of that.

123loverboy wrote: »

I think there is every possibility that she is only having sex to please me.
And if that is the case do you think you could spend the rest of your life with someone like this.

That's a question only you can answer.

123loverboy wrote: »

But when it comes to her enjoyment.... nothing... "i'm fine"

..and maybe she is. Sex drives are different, sex interests are different, fantasies are different etc. What works for you doesn't automatically work for her. Cheap Thrills got it spot on above. Back off and be patient is my advice. If someone was constantly asking me questions about what else I should be/want to be doing, I'd be thinking they weren't happy and be even less likely to want to mix things up. Putting any kind of pressure (even asking her what else she wants can be pressuring) on her could prove to be counter productive.

Tbh you haven't really explained why you think sex is an issue for her. So she's not into masturbating and not as adventurous as the next person but she seems to have no problem doing anything you suggest, so what is the problem?