Scared to go to the doctors

LegacyUser

Hi, I was just wondering if anyone could give me some advice?

I moved out by myself during the summer to a new town near where my boyfriend lives. In work things started going really badly around then, pay cuts came in two days after I signed my lease so I'm only scaping by, they changed how everything in the office works so no one knows what they're doing and no one is communicating with eachother so everything all over the place. I started getting panic attacks and feeling nervous all the time- I'm good at my job and liked it cause it was low stress and I knew how to do everything. It just got too much for me- so I went to my new local doctor, having never visited him before. When I talked to him he asked me questions like "well it'd be silly to feel depressed over that" and "you're not feeling suicidal are you?" I felt so embarased, he made me feel like I had just visited him to pump him for drugs. I went home and cried to hours with a perscription for sleeping tablets which I never picked up.

Things got worse from there, I started getting sick when I'd get panicy in work- coninuously having to run to the bathroom. I started looking for a new job but nothing has come though of course. Works gotten worse, every day i get yelled at by my clients and bosses for stuff that isn't me fault. It's at a point now where I've stopped fighting back. I feel broken inside. My boyfriend and I were having a fight recently (ironically over how I never seem to enjoy myself anymore) and I started to scratch my arm, didn't even realise I was doing it. By the end of it my arm was bleeding. I've started doing this a lot when I get upset. I can't leave work cause I can't afford my rent, my family can't support me anymore (redundancies for both my parents, they're really struggling). I've made 3 doctors apointments for different doctors in the last two months but every time I cancel because I get too panicy.
I feel stupid for writting all this, I just don't know what to do. It feels like i'm falling apart.

LegacyUser

so I went to my new local doctor, having never visited him before. When I talked to him he asked me questions like "well it'd be silly to feel depressed over that" and "you're not feeling suicidal are you?" I felt so embarased, he made me feel like I had just visited him to pump him for drugs.

Unfortunately OP there are some really horrible doctors out there...I went to one having vague symptoms and he really made me feel like it was all in my head, basically told me i was imagining it and i was grand...

Yeah thankfully i went to another for a second opinion turns out i was seriously ill, and very nearly died

My new doc is great, can and have spoken to her about anything, and she never dismisses me or judges.

This is going to sound very sexist but a lot of older male doctors don't seem to like discussing 'feelings' with their patients, especially with women they just brush it off as "hormones"

Maybe try and find a younger doctor, maybe female, if you'd find it easier to talk to a woman, but go to another doctor, unfortunately you've had a bad experience but don't let that put you off, doctors are human there are some we just won't like/get along with but there are some lovely doctors out there....You have nothing to fear, they're there to help you

What have you got to lose OP, things aren't going to get any better unless you get help.