why do I feel like this?

LegacyUser

I don't know what's wrong with me... for the last few weeks or so I've just constantly felt insecure and out of sorts. Everyone annoys me, even strangers in the street. I just haven't been able to relax and have fun. I'm even rude to people in shops for no reason.
When I've been around friends, even my best friends, I've felt so out of place and awkward and keep thinking they don't want me there, or that everything I say or do is stupid. I feel really fat and unattractive, when usually I think I'm alright. If someone doesn't text me back or doesn't write back on facebook I get so paranoid.

It's not that I wake up depressed or feel sad all the time or anything, it's just really when I'm around people I just feel so awkward even though before I was always so happy and able to have fun.

I genuinely thought up to today that I was just a horrible person and that my friends were excluding me because of that, but then today one of them asked was I ok because she noticed I haven't seemed happy and haven't seemed myself lately. The minute she said that to me I just wanted to cry because it's like I finally realised that I've been sad.

I think I've gone through phases like this before, and it particularly happens when I get close to someone that I start to feel insecure around them and then feel like I'm becoming clingy and then feel that that hate me.

I don't know how to snap out of this. I have a nice life and I'm at a nice point in my life where I have so many opportnities, but I just feel like a horrible person and don't know why.

As I was writing this my mother just came into my room and asked what was wrong and when I tried to explain she started shouting at me that she's sick of hearing the same thing from me every few months since I was young, and that I need to "cop on" and stop analysing everything and basically telling me that I'm an overdramamtic oversensitive person and it's my own fault I feel this way. So now I feel 100 times worse.

deadpoet

You remind me so much of myself; I've been feeling exactly the same way on and off for the last couple of years. I'll have bouts where it will cease and my personality returns but as soon as it begins to creep up again I feel even worse because it feels like I'm back to the drawing board and any progress I've made has been completely wiped clean as if it never occured at all. Its immensely frustrating because I'm a naturally outgoing and sociable creature but like you, this is has been an issue with me for quite a while now.

The only way I've ever been able to over come this in the past (and I've over come it many times albeit it always returns when I'm particularly stressed) is tackle this issue of overanalysing everything. Whats been working wonders for me recently is an audiobook I've been listening to on an iPhone app at night in bed. The book is free as its in the public domain and is available at www.librivox.org - I'll have a look for you now and see if I can find a link to it.

Found it, here you go: http://librivox.org/the-path-of-prosperity-by-james-allen/ << Now thats a link to a page that has the book divided into individual chapters, but alternatively heres a link to download the book in its entirety (60MBs): http://www.archive.org/download/path_prosperity_af_librivox/path_prosperity_af_librivox_64kb_mp3.zip
And heres the actual e-book itself if that suits you better: http://www.jamesallenlibrary.com/from-poverty-to-power.html

I found it by complete fluke around halloween while I was looking for something to take my mind off my own overanalysing, but I was looking for something to frighten the sh**e out of me rather than a self help book. I rarely bother with self help books myself but the title drew me in, and I couldnt sleep that night anyway and by the time it was over, about 2hrs later I felt remarkably confident about the day ahead of me.

Your mother just doesn't understand the situation, but I'm sure you know this already. I'm not condoning the way she treated you as you were writing up your post, but she is definitely right on the mark when she mentioned you over analysing things as this is precisely what is causing you to behave like this.

As a direct result of your overanalysis, you're causing your stress levels to rise to such an intensity that its overwhelming your ability to conciously deal with it, and what I've learned myself through researching my own situation - which I have to say is almost, if not identical to your own - is that as a consequence, your brain has subconsiously lapsed into a defensive state which I've come to know as 'depersonalisation'. I've seen so many posts in PI from people in the same situation and they're self diagnosing themselves as having depression, although I it certainly can cause depression but when you understand that its a necessary process for the brain to undergo then you're less likely to get depressed as a result.

Anyway, just thought I'd pass it a long; its brimming with a wealth of invaluble tips and I suggest anyone reading this to download it and have a listen or a read as I believe everyone can learn something from this. I did find this particular readers voice to be quite monotonus and annoying at times however, but thats probably just me. As far as I know there are other versions by alternative readers around the place too.

I wish you the best of look, let me know how things progress for you.