lazy bf trouble

openfire

so heres the story i got with my fella just over a year ago and two months after we got together i found out i was pregnant :eek: big shocker but we moved in together and since then i have been runnin around like a slave after him... as i was cleaning he was lying on his ass on the couch.. our apartment was a nightmare as i have to go up 2 flights of stairs to get there... i nearly lost our child 4 times as i was overdoing it but it never made him help me more infact he was asking me for a massage while i was in full blows of labour as his back hurt..:mad:

i have begged and pleaded with him to help with the baby and around the house and he even finds throwing his dirty socks in the wash basket too much of a challenge..

the only time he has time for me or the baby is when he putting on a show when people are around

i have now moved into a new house (without stairs ) and he has promised me that things will change... but even though i am now living here 2 weeks he still hasnt even unpacked his clothes

i really adore him but not his 1920 women slave over men sh*t how can i get him to step up and be a father and partner???

Nevyn

You can't make him. He has to want to, what you can do is stop washing his clothes stop cleaning up after him and just focus on you and the baby.

seenitall

openfire wrote: »

i really adore him but not his 1920 women slave over men sh*t how can i get him to step up and be a father and partner???

I'll be honest with you, I don't think you can.

You are sharing your life with someone whom, in the ordinary set of circumstances, you would just be getting to know, and would be discovering that perhaps it is too much hassle to live with a bone-lazy selfish (asking you for a massage while you're in labour??) "mummy-will-clean-it-up" boy.

In this way (having the baby), the two of you have bien tied into a life together before you have even begun to get to know each other and have the chance to go "ah no thanks, don't fancy being a servant" or anything else.

He has the upper hand here, because usually the mother will be left "holding the baby" (meaning all the work will fall to you, what are you going to do, live in a tip as an alternative?) and because of course, whoever cares less, has the upper hand. You are stuck here. You have no leverage.

I don't think he will change, either for you or for the baby or for anyone else. He sounds way too selfish for that. All you can do is talk to him about it some more, but I don't see it working any more than it has done so far.

I'm sorry, OP, I feel for you.

It's just my 2 cents.

Anyway, congrats on the baby, there is also plenty to look forward to!

dollydishmop

The more you do, the more you'll be expected to do, in my experience

It took me awhile to work that out for myself...but once I did, and hubby and I thrashedout a few ground rules...it all works well now, most of the time...he does need reminding occasionally

So my advice is to stop...do the bare minimum to keep things bearable for yourself & the baby, and that's it.

If his clothes don't make it to the laundry basket, then don't wash them...simples.

If he doesn't clear up after himself, then whatever mess he's made doesn't get tidied...simples

If he doesn't cop on, ship him out...not so simples, but possibly what you may need to do ultimately.

Curry Addict

have a chat with him about sharing, support and being fair. make your point that u expect this and no less from a partner. draw up a list of tasks and give him his fair share.
give it a week and if hes not pulling his weight, tell him hes letting u and the baby down, its not good enough for you and the next conversation will be about packing his bags. if it continues over the next week, sling him out and make sure u get child support fast so at least hes contributing in some way.

u deserve much much better than this. my gut feeling says u will be slinging him out so prepare to get support from family and friends.

Oryx

In my experience you can talk till the cows come home, but its actions that make a situation like this change. As advised, stop caring for him. No washing, no cleaning, and at a push, no cooking. If it means walking out of the house in the morning with it like a tip, then so be it. Because for as long as you continue to clean and tidy up and make life comfortable for you and your child, he doesnt have to.

You will most likely get a lot of flak from him as he tries to keep things as they are. He will be annoyed when he has no socks and his favourite beer glass has mould in it. Just stay calm and good natured and tell him its his job now.

openfire

thanks for your help guys... ill give it a lil while... and as for him packing his bags no problem he hasnt unpacked as of yet and i sure as hell aint doin it for em :P

dollydishmop

openfire wrote: »

i sure as hell aint doin it for em :P

That's the spirit!

LegacyUser

OP, do you need to actually live together?

I mean, he can still be a good boyfriend and a good Dad if he has his own place. He can still help as much with the baby and love you as much

Think of the peace.