boyfriend and new baby

confused_1990

Hi everyone,
Not sure if this is the right place to be posting this.
Anyways have two kids, one is 2 and other is nearly 2 weeks.
My boyfriend adores our 2 year old, has done since day one. But I have noticed he is totally different with our youngest, who is a boy.
So I asked him today what was up and he turned around and said i might find it very weird but he gets an urge to slap him. I asked him when and he said over stupid things like when the baby sucks on his own hand when he's hungry. Which to most people is cute.
Has anybody heard of anything like this, what do i do ?
Should I leave straight away?
Any help would be great thanks

Nevyn

Has he any experience what so ever wtih infants?

confused_1990

Well only with our daughter but he said he never felt like this with her. Now he wont talk about it.

Kingpin187

Ive heard of this before.. Having "dark thoughts" like this in that context is surprisingly common. Uninvited, but common

Seek professional advice, will help to put your minds at rest

LegacyUser

He's already proven he has the ability to be a great dad, with your eldest child. And, in an odd way, he is proving he does love the boy, by NOT giving in to those "dark thoughts". Maybe he had a traumatic childhood himself? Maybe there's a history of (male) sibling rivalry? Maybe he was bullied at school? You both need to seek a consellor to eek these issues out, your son may be too young to notice what's going on, but your 2year old is at a stage where she'll pick up on the vibes& it might affect her future relationships& security in the family unit.

confused_1990

He was bullied as a child, and to this day treated badly by his dad, maybe its linked. I will try get him to get help. But doubt he will

Smallbit

confused_1990 wrote: »

He was bullied as a child, and to this day treated badly by his dad, maybe its linked. I will try get him to get help. But doubt he will

You need to make him understand how important it is that he seeks some sort of help or advice on this. It's a dealbreaker and you have to tell him that.

Some parents don't bond immediately with their children and fight all sorts of thoughts ranging from irrational to potentially real. For example, many fathers have paternity doubts, whether real or imagined.

Oryx

The main thing to realise is that his feelings are common. Not everyone falls instantly in love with their child, even if they did with a sibling. It happens. It could be a combination of things, stress, fatigue, worry. With your daughter there was the novelty of the new, that was his first experience of parenthood, it bowled him over. This time around he has been there before, and knows the hard parts and sleepless nights too, as well as the lovely bits. So he may be finding it harder to bond.

People dont talk about those dark thoughts, but lots of people have them and guiltily hide them. Ill admit on long tired nights, I had them. The thing is, its very rare to act on them. I look on the thoughts as a safety valve, it makes you realise how you are feeling before you actually go off on one.

Give your man time. Some guys need a baby to turn into a person before they bond properly. And this could be the case with your son and your partner. Dont stress, it will come in time.

January

It could also been a sign of post natal depression, fathers can get it too.

confused_1990

The thing that worries me is that I know he does things without thinking, thats why I'm worried it could end up being more. Maybe you's are right and it will just take time

metrovelvet

Maybe because the second one is a boy its bringing up father/son stuff.

There are many possible explanations for this and some of them have been mentioned. It could be his past bullying traumas. It could be a father/son thing. It could be post natal depression. It could be any one of a million things.

Just as a random example of something I will pick something that is not actually that serious, one of the less worrying explanations, it could be what I call “Reset Depression” when I work with people with similar problems.

What I mean by this is that he bonded from day 1 with the first child and he has worked daily with her, been with her and watched her grow. He saw the cuteness of her sucking her fingers then and how she grew out of it and matured out of it.

Now suddenly it is back to square 1 again, with a baby that is again helpless, devoid of most of the personality that he is yet to develop, does not give all the feed back of smiles and laughs that an older kid does and so on. At that age they are also closer to their mother and a father has to work that bit harder than mothers (especially breast feeding mothers) to establish a relationship.

The frustration of being back in square 1 in this way may sound trivial, but it can be monumentally frustrating and lead to all kinds of mixed emotions, but thankfully it is a condition that does most often change with time when the relationship blossoms, the child starts to develop real personality, and becomes more independent like the older child.

Again this is only ONE possible explanation and really no matter what the explanation is the key is talk talk talk talk talk. The man needs to talk. Either to you… a trusted mate…. A relative…. Or point him to this forum to talk his feelings out with strangers…. Or to other forums like mumsnet which is predominantly about babies and so on….Or ultimately a counsellor…. Or some combination of some or all of them… but talking and exploring his emotions is paramount at this time and you need to urge (not pressure but steadily urge) him to do so.