Ex Wife/Girlfriend dillema

LegacyUser

Heres my dillema, Separated about two years ago from my wife and child, was married for 8 years, things just fizzled out between us. To cut a long story short, met a new girl about a year ago, she's a great girl, everything i ever looked for in a women. Hers the problemm, a couple of months ago i stared to feel really depressed, it effected my new relationship and my work life, it also made me think about my ex a lot and all i think about is trying to get her back, it consumes everything i do and has sent me further into depression. I still have a good relationship with my ex wife for the sake of our child. The problem is i suppose i really want to go back and give my marriage a second chance (she might not want me back), so how do i go about it and secondly how do i tell my current GF that i'm still in love with my wife?

Beruthiel

Seems to me that you are not ready for any kind of relationship until you get your head together.
Get yourself off to a professional and talk to them. You need to get yourself sorted first before you even think about doing anything else.

astra2000

Op you dont have to tell your gf that you are still in love with your ex, but you do need to end the relationship with her. Its not fair to string her along when you know its going no where. You can be as honest as possible and say you dont see the relationship going anywhere.
As for how you are now feeling about your ex I would urge caution. Speak with your gp and get your depression sorted out before you try and make anymore life changing decisions. Do you ever get the feeling from your ex that she may regret the breakup? I would tread softly and initiate a friendship first and see how thar goes.
Take care of yourself op and get help dont let your illness get any worse.

Emme

Stop messing this girl about and give her the chance to find somebody who genuinely cares for her. Regardless of whether your ex takes you back or not this girl deserves better than somebody who regards her as second best.

OP I would not make and rash or quick decisions in this. It is quite common that even people who get out of the worst relationships will hark back to aspects of it and find themselves wishing to be there again.

We idealise the good parts of those relationships and for whatever reasons the memory of the aspects that made it end fade quicker leaving us with a retrospective rosier picture of that relationship than it actually was.

Of course this is not true in all cases and maybe going back to her would be the right decision, but it is well to be aware of the risks.

I think step 1 for you, and maybe you would even like to type the results of that step here for us to work through with you, is to sit down and work out:

a) What you think you would get from a relationship with her or that you miss or that you want. List out what it is you think the benefits of returning to her will be in other words.
b) Ask yourself which points on that list are somehow missing from your current relationship. Split these into things that you could only get with your wife, or things that could be discussed with your girlfriend to say “I love you, but I really want these things from a relationship and I would love to have them with you”.
c) List out as best you can the things you remember as being bad with your wife, especially the things that drove you to split in the first place. Split these into things that are still there and would need work if you did go back to her… and things that no longer matter, but were there at the time.

Write this list, share it with us if you like, consider it, and try and decide if going back to her is something that you just want… or something you believe deep down will actually work this time.

At some point, soon but not immediately, you will have to be honest with the current girl. Either to tell her you are not happy with her, or to tell her there are aspects of your relationship that are not fulfilling you and are giving you thoughts of returning to a woman who is. Honestly is the key here over all, but I think getting your head straight about what it is you actually want is an important first step. The grass is always greener as they say and you might find when you put more thought into this that you are actually happier on the patch you are on now.

Emme

Deleted User wrote: »

At some point, soon but not immediately, you will have to be honest with the current girl. Either to tell her you are not happy with her, or to tell her there are aspects of your relationship that are not fulfilling you and are giving you thoughts of returning to a woman who is. Honestly is the key here over all, but I think getting your head straight about what it is you actually want is an important first step. The grass is always greener as they say and you might find when you put more thought into this that you are actually happier on the patch you are on now.

No, I think he should be upfront with her now. She's given him a year of her life, why should she give him any more when he clearly regards her as second best and is still in love with his ex? Regardless of whether he is idealising the past, he is still in love with his ex when he should be focusing on the woman he has now. OP, let the GF go and sort yourself out. She deserves better than you if you can't return the love she's giving you.

pollypocket10

Before you make a mess in your life or either your ex wife or girlfriends wife you need to get professional help for your depression. You are not in any position to make big decisions at the moment and you could end up hurting alot of people including your child.

I would step back from both women until you sort out your issues.