How Long Should I Give Him

LegacyUser

Been going out with my boyfriend for 8 years and he's always blown a bit hot and cold. We live together. I kind of feel he's messing me around a bit. So I told him I wanted to get married and couldn't see us staying together if that didn't feature in our plans. He won't commit to anything, says he's not sure and worse still has admitted he would ask out another woman he flirts with if he were single. He also says he isn't ready to throw it all away yet.

The "other woman" is pretty good looking, 12 years younger than him (we're both 40) and very, very flirty. She specialises in chasing after older, attached men although she lives with a boyfriend (she is very secretive and no-ones quite sure). I am also sure nothing pyhysical has happened between them but he says she makes him feel good about himself.

The thing is, I'm not short of offers myself. I do so many things on my own (because he won't come with me) I meet guys all the time and though I'm not the flirty type, I do get a lot of men wanting to meet up with me. Obviously I turn them all down because I'm in a relationship. Also I have a bit of a problem in that I'm also 40 but look about 28 and I think they'd run a mile if they knew my age!

But I just do not understand why my boyfriend doesn't appreciate me. I'm damned prettier than the "other woman", I'm slim with a nice figure, we have the same interests, we get on ie we still talk to each other about anything, sex life is good (or at least it was until two weeks ago...), I have a good job and so does he. I see other women with not perhaps so much going for them getting married to men that seem grateful to have them and my boyfriend, whom I love and am loyal to despite other offers, can only criticise me and say he's not sure. And to be honest, my boyfriend isn't that good looking and is quite skinny with a rather quiet, nerdish personality - I like him but I think he's quite a specialised taste.

Its so hurtful. I can't relax because I don't know where my future lies. Its affecting my performance at work because I can't sleep half the time. I guess I haven't walked yet because I don't want to turn my life upside down and be alone at 40 (looking young might be nice but it actually does you few favours).

dudara

Wow - you don't seem to have any real deep affection for your partner. You appear to view him as some sort of accessory to your perfect life.

It's possible that he's picking up on your emotions towards him and therefore is not happy to commit to you.

Do you genuinely, truly love him?

LegacyUser

If he's not sure at 40, he'll never be sure. A permanent bachelor.

On the other hand, you don't seem to love him at all. Why do you want to marry him?

LegacyUser

I do love him but I'm just exhausted and I feel rejected and constantly criticised and compared to a 28 year old woman. If I didn't love him I would have walked a long time ago, or cheated on him while lieing to keep him happy. The thought of a future without him tears me apart but my self esteem is so low now I don't know if I'm putting up with rubbish because of that. I have anything but a perfect life but in practical terms I pay half the mortgage and we do have a lovely house and naturally I don't want to lose that. I also don't want to end an 8 year relationship for no good reason.

Am I wrong? Is it better to cheat on people and lie through your teeth just for attention? Is it better give up on things and not want to work at them? How much messing around would other people put up with?

Taltos

Suggest the following.

Sit him down - look him in the eye.
Say "I love you but I cannot waste the rest of my life waiting for you anymore. It has been wonderful and I am not sure I will ever get over you but this is it. Goodbye".


Now - either this will either be it or he will suddenly realise that he is about to lose you and you can work forward from there. FYI - this is high risk - he might just agree - say "Yup you are right - I have been stringing you along (but now I can go and have some fun..)..."...

Best of luck either way..

Beruthiel

From reading your OP, I don't understand why you are still with this man?

astra2000

Hi op You love your bf but be honest is it your age that is holding you back from leaving? It comes across as though you believe you are in the last chance saloon of love and that this is why you are so reluctant to end the relationship. You say he has always blown hot and cold, you deserve better than this. He is calling the shots and you are just waiting for him to make up his mind thats really unfair. Telling you that there is another girl he would ask out is hurtful, it sounds as though he does not value your relationship. You deserve better and if he is not prepared to give you this then you really need to think hard about what to do. Can you picture yourself been happy continueing a relationship with someone who wont commit has feelings for someone else and blows hot and cold.
I think you are too focused on your age which is silly 40 is not old these days no age is too old to find love. You deserve someone who loves you wants to be with you and who you feel the same for. Best of luck whatever happens

Chicago Chick

Feeling Rejected wrote: »

He also says he isn't ready to throw it all away yet.

Throw all what away? If he is talking about his "freedom" or his "options" then OP you really do need to sit down and talk to your partner as it sounds like he may never be ready to commit. It is very hard to know how this will play out and you may not be happy with the outcome but for your own sake you are better finding out now where you stand.

LegacyUser

I'm making it sound awful. For 6 1/2 years we were very happy, we have very similar interests and can (and still do) talk to each other about anything and everything. It wasn't one of those relationships where you are always arguing, but he is the quiet and distant sort at times . And then he met her and he began to change (he admits he has changed). This is despite him having no sort of relationship with her other than flirting with her and spending a lot of time talking to her. And its when all the criticism of me began. If I told you some of the things he had said to me, everyone would say why haven't you left him already? Basically I feel though that the criticism is because I'm not her and its my differences that get criticised. For example, he has complained that I'm "too intelligent". Not presumably too intelligent to have a good job and pay my share of the mortgage for the house we live in, so too intelligent for what? Why can't he be proud he has an intelligent girlfriend?

(she on the other hand has no qualifications and works in a hotel (what she actually does is, as ever, a mystery). But apparantly she "makes him feel good". I might also add that she seems to make every married or attached man in our sports club feel good too - she's like a dog on heat. Last Saturday for example she couldn't flirt with my boyfriend because I was there, so she chatted up two of the married men who were there without their wives and I noticed the next morning she had added one of them on FB and left a really flirty message on his page. She's already had an affair with another man in another sports club who is now seperated or divorced (not sure with) yet she does have a boyfriend she lives with (that no-one ever sees and she never talks about).

Last night though when I told him I was rapidly getting to the stage where I was so fed up I was going to walk, he told me he would rather be with me but he's not sure.

What on earth am I doing? I guess its the same thing wives whose husbands cheat on them face up to and they always seem to go back, because you don't want to lose everything you've worked for all your life for someone else's mistake. And he hasn't cheated. So thats why I'm still here I guess.

Also the above is correct because I don't think I will meet anyone else. I don't know if I really want to. I've not met anyone I'm even remotely attracted to for years. Also, with looking so young, I've too often experienced the look of revulsion a younger man gives you when you tell them you're 40. And I have several older friends who are divorced who have never met anyone else, who are lonely and less happy than they were in their relationship. I'm just being realistic I guess. Its easy to be bold and say "thats it, no more". But its a decision you have to live with for the rest of your life. I think if he actually would spend time with me occasionally instead of only doing group things where she is guaranteed to be, things might be all right again.

LegacyUser

You're in limbo,& worse still, he's showing you no respect by his behavior. how on earth are you meant to react? Of course you love him- you've been with him 8years- but he's the one eroding your affection& trust.
Basically, he wants to have his cake & eat it. The benefits of a nice house, job, arm candy...but with no security/comittment in return.
In his mind, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

LegacyUser

I'm making it sound awful when in reality it was a really happy relationship until 18 months ago. Which also coincides with when he met her. We have a lot of the same interests and can talk to each other about anything. Then he started criticising me - if I tell you some of the things he's said, you would say leave him now, but one of them was that I'm "too intelligent". How can I be "too intelligent?" True, the other woman is a bit dim (primary level spelling when she writes, no qualifications on leaving school and works in some mysterious role in a hotel) so I guess when you compare me to her, thats true. I'm not her.

I guess though its the same issue that faces wives whose husbands cheat and who always seem to go back. Why lose everything you've worked for because of someone else's mistake? And just what do you do when someone starts treating you badly? At first I was in denial I guess and then I began to wake up a bit and realise how bad it was getting. Its like he's a different person and he's admitted he's changed.

And yet, he hasn't actually cheated with her. In fact, she has several older attached men panting after her like this, including presumably the mysterious boyfriend that she lives with than no-one ever meets and she never talks about. She wasn't able to chat up my boyfriend at a meal on Saturday night so she chatted up a married man instead and then left him a really flirty FB message the next morning! The problem now is that he refuses to spend one on one time with me - he only wants to do group activities where she'll be. I've tried to discuss it with him but I don't think he is being genuine - all he talks about is how she makes him feel good and I don't. I'm so fed up doing things on my own all the time. I took up mountain bike racing in the summer and did 3 races, yet when we went mountain biking with our triathlon club at the weekend (she has never done a triathlon, unlike me, but now goes to all the training sessions) he said to me "Why are you following me around?"

Then last night he said he'd also rather be with me when I told him I was rapidly getting to the stage of walking but he wasn't sure. I think we just got into a bit of a rut and now because he's quite an emotionally distant type, he's focussed on someone else. I don't even think its that a serious problem that can't be fixed but the question is, do I bother any more? After all these insults and criticisms?

astra2000 wrote: »

Hi op You love your bf but be honest is it your age that is holding you back from leaving?

Yes, I'm being realistic. I have lovely friends who have got divorced and never met anyone else and are really lonely now. Its a miracle if it happens. And to be honest, I can't be bothered with putting in the effort it seems to take to meet someone else. It all seems so calcuating. I mean, I get guys chatting to me all the time and wanting to stay in touch (because I'm always alone) until they find out my age, and then its that look of revulsion, and you never hear from them again for dust. Even as friends.

Taltos

Feeling Rejected wrote: »

he told me he would rather be with me but he's not sure.

There is your answer right there....
Its over just neither of you want to admit it.

Either he
a) does NOT love you
or
b) does NOT respect you

Either way - he's a tool.

Beruthiel

Feeling Rejected wrote: »

For example, he has complained that I'm "too intelligent".

Didums. The comment of an insecure man.

But apparantly she "makes him feel good".

Ya. Right. And of course she'll marry him in a heart beat and they will both live happily ever after.
By the sounds of her, she's a player. And older men, easy prey.
Bet her tips are real good.

Last night though when I told him I was rapidly getting to the stage where I was so fed up I was going to walk, he told me he would rather be with me but he's not sure.

Not sure?
And you're ready to put up with that kind of apathy?
You're happy to be a 'better than nothing woman' than 'the love of his life' woman?
Quit being a doormat OP. He treats you like this because you allow it.
You're 40, not dead.
Were I in your shoes, I'd scrap my self respect together and have it out with him.

Emme

Feeling Rejected wrote: »

I guess I haven't walked yet because I don't want to turn my life upside down and be alone at 40 (looking young might be nice but it actually does you few favours).

I'm with you there, OP. I'm 38 but get mistaken for 30 or 31 all the time, too many times for it to be just flattery.

Feeling Rejected wrote: »

Also, with looking so young, I've too often experienced the look of revulsion a younger man gives you when you tell them you're 40.

It's really horrible, isn't it? Like being over 35 is a cardinal sin in this country. As I said somewhere else, age really is a number in this country, not how good you look or how well you take care of yourself.

Feeling Rejected wrote: »

And I have several older friends who are divorced who have never met anyone else, who are lonely and less happy than they were in their relationship. I'm just being realistic I guess. Its easy to be bold and say "thats it, no more". But its a decision you have to live with for the rest of your life. I think if he actually would spend time with me occasionally instead of only doing group things where she is guaranteed to be, things might be all right again.

Others here mightn't agree with my advice but here it is. If you're not afraid of being alone and willing to face up to the fact that you might never meet anyone you're attracted to again, then go ahead and walk. With this option you can choose to remain alone or settle for someone who's willling to commit but doesn't exactly float your boat and only ticks one or two boxes. You might meet somebody you're attracted to who's willing to commit, but the chances of that are slim and you'll have to face up to reality.

If the above doesn't appeal to you then make the most of what you have. Bite your lip when your boyfriend flirts with other women. He says he wants to be with you. Don't expect too much from the relationship, ie marriage or any such commitment seems unlikely. Would you be willing to put up with an affair on his part? However, when he's so unwilling to commit fully there's a fair risk that he might walk in the future some time and you have to be willing to face that too, being single at 44 or 45 rather than 40.

The question is this - are a few more years of a not great relationship worth the sacrifices you're making now, or have you got the guts to go it alone and risk being alone for good? It might not be so bad after all.

Miss Fluff

I actually find your attitude to being "40 and lonely" quite insulting to those people who don't have a partner. I'm in my early 30s, have been single for quite some time after spending my 20s with the same guy (which I called a halt to) and I have been single because I haven't met that special person yet. And you may be amazed by this OP but I have a full and happy life. I personally don't see the point of being in a sh1t relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.

I may never meet that special someone, I sure as hell hope I do and am full of positivity that I will, but I certainly don't pin my entire life's happiness on it. What's so bizarre in your case is the fact that you are evidently currently hugely unhappy so I'm not quite sure how upside your life will become by getting rid of a partner who clearly does not love you (or you love him from that I can surmise)? What is holding you back here? You claim you are very attractive. You claim you have so much going for you. And yet you keep reposting the fact you are 40. You're not 90 and trying to find love (although my friend's recently widowed Grandad of 91 has the women falling all over him;)). Your self-esteem is obviously shot to sh1t and waiting around for a guy to make a decision to be with you is not helping.

Take the power back girl and leave him. You sound like you have so much going for you but waiting around hoping for someone to love you is damaging and corrosive and while you are not old now, one day you will wake up and find you've wasted many more years on someone who doesn't deserve your love.

I hope you find the happiness you're looking for. You have to be proactive about it though.

Beruthiel

Emme wrote: »

have you got the guts to go it alone and risk being alone for good?

No matter what age you are, everyone runs the risk of being alone. Or not.
I don't believe age is a barrier. Your mind and expectations are.
No matter what age a person is, there are other people out there wanting and needing the same things.
I don't understand why anyone would factor their age into something when it comes to their self respect, self worth and happiness.

Curry Addict

he has put your relationship in a very bad place over his shortsighted vanity.
what would happen if you faced a major life issue and your relationship was tested? u couldnt have faith in this man or any kind of confidence. its not a solid foundation for a marriage.
his lack of respect for you and your relationship speaks volumes. im not sure anyone could settle for this. id suggest a long chat about life and how he should be making u feel and how he should be investing heavily in your relationship.
he sounds like a coward who is afraid to break up with you and take his chances. he seems to be making it clear that he likes your convenience until he gets a better offer.

astra2000

It sounds as though you are pretty miserable right now op can you really continue living like this for much longer? It really does not sound as if your bf is willing to give up seeing this girl so your choice appears to be to grin and bear it or say enough and ask him to leave.
If your bf really loved you and was afraid of jepordising his relationship with you he would have stopped interacting with this person long ago but the thing is he wants to see her so much it is worth jepordising his relationship with you. Imho I find it hard to believe that you could be happier in this relationship as it stands, than you would on your own.

I am a friend

He is having an emotional affair (at minimum) with her. She is abusive to you by comparing you to her and if you are happy to spend the next 40 years of your life in this situation then you are in a good spot.

Have you wanted to get married and / or have kids befoe now? if not, then why not and do you only want to get married now since she has come on the scene to secure your position? Marriage wont change him or the situation, it would only make it messier to walk away.