If I did the breaking up, shouldn't I feel fine?

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I've recently broken up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years: great relationship, no third person in it, fought very little (well, increasingly in the last 3/4 months tbh), but I felt like my heart wasn't fully in it. Well, I still love him to bits, but it seemed like things as a boyfriend and girlfriend had fizzled out a bit.

That was around a month ago, I'd asked for a "break", just to see what I wanted really. I felt like I could deal with being on my own and I did, really well. We didn't see each other (we live far apart so we couldn't just meet up even if we wanted). Then, just last week, we had a chat and he said after having time to think about it, he agreed with me and that we should end it.
Now, I think it's just hitting home and I'm in tears most days and I'm thinking about him all the time. We still chat, as friends, not mentioning anything about our relationship or saying anymore about it. Tbh I'm afraid to, because I don't want to jeopardise things. We agreed to stay friends and if things flare up now I'd be afraid I'd lose him totally.

Sorry if it sounds selfish or anything, I just don't know what to do with myself. I thought, after I'd done it, this is great, breakups don't seem that hard (this was my first serious relationship/breakup). Now I'm a mess. Don't really know what I'm asking here. I do plan on visiting him soon, as a friend. He says I'm more than welcome to come stay.

LighterGuy

When you said you wanted a break it was on your terms. It was you who wanted it. But as soon as he said to you later on that he was agreeing to just end things, well things changed for you.

I cant describe it with just one word. It happens all the time tho. For example its like a girl who will date a guy and just not be overly into him. In fact, probably break up if someone better came along. But yet if the guy broke up with her she'd feel all upset, lonely, even miss him. :rolleyes: But yet if it was reversed and she broke up with him. She wouldnt feel any regret.

Its selfish aspect thats hardwired into most peoples brains. Its not wanting to be rejected. Its all about looking out for your own feelings.


This may be harsh. But you wanted to break up with him. You didnt feel any regret afterwards. So op live your with choice.

magneticimpulse

You cant string this guy along. He has prob accepted it and is prob seeing someone else....etc etc he has a right to move on.

Did you actually want to Break Up? A "break" normally means breaking up...so he obviously thought of it that way. He could be confused himself. Maybe he was waiting for you to make a choice. Maybe he is hoping that you will change your mind and not want to break up.

Either way just decide for definite are you happy to let this guy go...as in its not working out. If its not working out, stop meeting and talking to him. You need a clean break.

LegacyUser

That was around a month ago, I'd asked for a "break", just to see what I wanted really. I felt like I could deal with being on my own and I did, really well.

he said after having time to think about it, he agreed with me and that we should end it.

It sounds like you're upset at the fact that he could deal with being on his own too, that he didn't miss you either..... You want to be missed.

To be honest i think you're just annoyed that he's handling it so well. I'd bet that if he'd taken the breakup badly you wouldn't think twice about him.



i'm sorry but this line

I felt like I could deal with being on my own

just sounds like you didn't want to be with him but just wanted to test the waters to see if you could be single while your safety blanket(him) was still there for you to fall back on.

OP you sound like one of those women who won't leave a relationship until shes found a substitute guy, who can't handle being alone, and is now jealous that her ex is stronger and can handle being single.


Not being harsh here but do this guy a favour and don't f**k with his head, let him go, you know you don't want him, you just don't like the idea that he might find someone else and you won't. Let him move on.

Work on being able to function as an independent person, without the need to be a "couple".

TitoPuente

Pretty much what LighterGuy said. You broke up on your terms and felt fine about it. As soon as he agreed that it was for the best, you're devastated because he's not devastated and is, in fact, happy to move on as well. Very selfish indeed because you're 100% concerned about your own ego and you don't seem the least bit concered about your ex-boyfriend's feelings.

You say it's your first relationship so I'm assuming that you're young. You'll learn in time that relationships aren't about who's "better" than who, who can "get to the breakup" first or any level of selfishness straight out of a glossy magazine. A relationship is a loving, mutually trusting, two-way thing between two people who have a strong emotional bond. Above all - it requires two mature people to be involved.

There is no reason why the person doing the breaking up should feel fine, or even any better than the person who was broken up with.

At the end of the day, you tried to build a relationship and it did not work. This is a failure… it may be no ones fault, it might just never have meant to be, you might not have been compatible… whatever… but it is still a failure, and failing hurts.

Admitting something you wanted to work simply is not going to, whatever the reason for that, is always going to hurt no matter who you are and no matter which one of you initiated the closing days.

The trick is to learn from it, discover why it did not work, and bring this wisdom to your next attempt whomever it may be with.

seenitall

LighterGuy wrote: »

When you said you wanted a break it was on your terms. It was you who wanted it. But as soon as he said to you later on that he was agreeing to just end things, well things changed for you.

I cant describe it with just one word. It happens all the time tho. For example its like a girl who will date a guy and just not be overly into him. In fact, probably break up if someone better came along. But yet if the guy broke up with her she'd feel all upset, lonely, even miss him. :rolleyes: But yet if it was reversed and she broke up with him. She wouldnt feel any regret.

Its selfish aspect thats hardwired into most peoples brains. Its not wanting to be rejected. Its all about looking out for your own feelings.

This may be harsh. But you wanted to break up with him. You didnt feel any regret afterwards. So op live your with choice.

Ego.

TitoPuente

Deleted User wrote: »

There is no reason why the person doing the breaking up should feel fine, or even any better than the person who was broken up with.

Yes, but when you break up with the person and don't feel bad about it, try to reconcile things and then get dumped and you do feel bad, that's ego and nothing more. Quite frankly, the OP sounds as if she took her OH for granted and it came back and bit her in the ass. Not very helpful I know but this opinion *might* help her to properly consider the impact of "calling a break" (ugh!) in the future.

Deleted User wrote: »

At the end of the day, you tried to build a relationship and it did not work. This is a failure… it may be no ones fault, it might just never have meant to be, you might not have been compatible… whatever… but it is still a failure, and failing hurts.

I'm not so sure. Some people get out of relationships which would be considered a success! Obviously you've never been in a relationship with the wrong person

LegacyUser

I do appreciate all the comments; this might be a kick up the bum that I need. Speaking with friends about this doesn't get me such an honest reaction I guess - it's in my own head I felt I was a little selfish - so it's probably exactly what I need. Thanks all for the comments. Gonna try and give the "clean break" a try for both our sakes as genuinely, the last thing I want to do is mess him around and lose any ounce of the friendship we hope to have.

Thanks all for being so honest.

TitoPuente

TitoPuente wrote: »

Obviously you've never been in a relationship with the wrong person

Then it would appear to me that we would not be equivocating over the word “failure” at all but over what each of us means by “success” because making a relationship “work” with the wrong person is for me not something I would define as a success either. The fact they "got out of" the relationship means the relationship failed in the end does it not? Even if other people considered it a success as you say.

If a relationship ends, for any reason, it is a failure and failures hurt, even if ending that relationship was the right thing to do. We are going to feel bad when a relationship ends.

The OP felt strange thinking that she should have no reason to feel bad given she did the breaking up. I see no reason to think her reaction to it strange at all, but in fact very normal. To invest so much in something as important as a relationship and for it to end up not working is going to hurt, and the OP should feel perfectly normal in her reaction to it.

I would hope the OP instead of feeling worried or upset about her reaction to it, realise that the best thing to do now is to learn from the experience and to take what she has learnt into future relationships. That is all any of us can do really.