Am I being selfish?

Chuchoter

My only friend who is gay got talking to me the other day after not talking to me for ages (not his fault, weird mean friend told him I didn't want to hear from him, and I thought he didn't want to hear from me and so on and so forth) and he told me this really big piece of exciting news that he had come out to his family and they had taken it really well. I'm really, really happy for him.

The problem I'm having, is that I'm really, really bitter about it. Anybody who knows me on here will have heard my big spiel about my coming out being pretty horrendous. Theres a part of me that wishes his coming out had been like mine, and I know thats horrible, but at least then we could have been in the same boat. I just feel like everyone I know (knew) had this amazing coming out, I mean I don't know one person who had a coming out like mine and I just feel so lied to. I hate being gay, I seriously, seriously hate it. if someone walked up to me in the morning and said they could make me straight I would do it. I ruined my relationship with my parents, I feel incredibly guilty and angry with them. I feel like I killed who they thought their daughter was. I'm worried its going to get in the way of me for the rest of my life because the career I'm going into is not known for being particularly accepting, and I just spend half my time laying awake at night worrying about how things will turn out. I really want to be happy for my friend because he's such a nice guy, but I can't. I'm just so angry.

baby and crumble

Hey Crayola,

I can't really help- I'm one of the annoying ones that had a pretty good coming out, luckily. One of these days I'm sure someone is gonna say something to me and it'll knock me for six. At least you've had the worst of it, and you're still so young- just think of the resilience you've built up, I know it sounds dense but it WILL stand to you.

I do understand what you mean about wishing you were in the same boat as your friend- it's so hard to be struggling with something and see someone else just breeze though it. Misery loves company, as they say.

I'm sorry I can't help by saying something profound, but I just wanted to say that I get what you're feeling, and it sucks. Don't feel bad about it, it's natural to feel hard done by. But this guy could end up being a huge support to you now. That might be great.

And as for your future career- can I ask what that is? You'd be surprised sometimes that the rumours that go around are simply wrong.

fjireland

well i mean its understandable to look on with a little hint of envy at someone you preceive to have it sewn up in comparison to yourself....it's only human nature to feel like i wish it was that simple for me... but yknow, without sounding preachy and ****, yknow yourself im sure that holding onto resentment like that is only gonna bring you more grief.... it's best not to dwell on how smooth you preceive other people's coming out process, it wont change your own situation and being bitter and resentful in the long term wont do anything for you but bring you down.... best to just be happy for someone else and hopefully in time your own situation will smooth over.

Chuchoter

Medicine. From the small experience I had working in a hospital, it is hard enough to be a woman and not get made fun of for it, let alone a lesbian

The last few lines of this don't make me too hopeful either:
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/health/2010/0427/1224269149408.html

I have heard so much about pissing off consultants and then you can't progress, and being gay seems like a pretty good excuse not to like me

I just don't understand how everyone apart from me seemed to have such a great time. I mean I'm not angry with them at all, I'm just angry with the situation.

baby and crumble

Well, first of all, you've not done your leaving yet, right? so you're looking at at least 8 years really before you qualify. so much can happen in 8 years! whatever you do, don't let a bunch of small minded **** get you away from doing what you want to do.

i can understand you feeling angry, let yourself feel it (can you tell i'm a trained social worker? :P) and then just move on. It'll only mess your head up.

Roro4Brit

The problem is you, not your sexuality. You're the one that's letting your sexuality get in your way, even before you've entered medicine you've accepted it's going to be your demise.

Sure it has damaged your relationship with your parents, but that's not your fault, it's theirs. Do you try every day to make things better with them? My mam was far from thrilled, but I made it so she would have to listen to me - my opinion, my experience, my life and my fears and eventually she got it - I'm still her son. You need to try every day to make the **** aspects of your life better, because wasting time dreaming about future career struggles and being envious of others fortune will do you no good.

You're clearly a very bright person with drive if you've made it in to medicine - just think of all the people who would love that opp but never got it...now you're the lucky one! So shut up about being gay and how it ruins everything and get out there and start living!!

Edit: oops I assumed you were a lot older and in Medicine already - anyhow even though you're still in school the same concept applies. You will find that life is what you make it and don't ever let something like being gay stand in your way.

theginsandwich

Hey Crayola,

I thought I recognised your username from the Health Sciences forum ( I'm studying for the Gamsat at the moment). I'm not an expert, but I've explored this: medicine wasn't particularly known for tolerance because of its strict hierarchical training structure. However, this has changed, and is still changing, radically. For example, there is an organisation for gay doctors in Ireland. I count several openly gay med students as friends and acquaintances, and I seem to remember something about new HSE guidelines containing regulations that protect LGBT staff.

However, I'm not going to say it's all rosey. Apparently bullying is quite common among junior doctors, when consultants effectively have your career in their hands, so any reason to mark you out could be used against you. I'm hoping it's not true, but had to mention it ( but I'm not letting it stop me (and neither should you), and it's quite obvious I'm a flaming gayer!:p)

I also had an awful coming out, and my father still doesn't know (at my mother's request). I would like to stress above everything to have patience with your parents. While it may be relatively old news to you that you're gay, it's new to them. My mother said awful things to me when she found out, and we barely spoke for a year, but she mellowed and is continueing to become more relaxed with it.

Finally, my life began when I went to college. You'll meet so many people and have so many amazing new experiences. You shouldn't let these fears and those who provoke them hold you back.

Annasopra

I think you are over worrying things about entering medicine - social policy and culture and tolerance could change significantly over the next 8 years. Also being in college will give you many new opportunities

erogonamalu

it could be worse you got a raw deal off someone you loved, it comes and goes, relax. but you are still young so just dont make any mistakes. college is much better new friends new opportunities.

Coeurdepirate

crayolastereo wrote: »

My only friend who is gay got talking to me the other day after not talking to me for ages (not his fault, weird mean friend told him I didn't want to hear from him, and I thought he didn't want to hear from me and so on and so forth) and he told me this really big piece of exciting news that he had come out to his family and they had taken it really well. I'm really, really happy for him.

The problem I'm having, is that I'm really, really bitter about it. Anybody who knows me on here will have heard my big spiel about my coming out being pretty horrendous. Theres a part of me that wishes his coming out had been like mine, and I know thats horrible, but at least then we could have been in the same boat. I just feel like everyone I know (knew) had this amazing coming out, I mean I don't know one person who had a coming out like mine and I just feel so lied to. I hate being gay, I seriously, seriously hate it. if someone walked up to me in the morning and said they could make me straight I would do it. I ruined my relationship with my parents, I feel incredibly guilty and angry with them. I feel like I killed who they thought their daughter was. I'm worried its going to get in the way of me for the rest of my life because the career I'm going into is not known for being particularly accepting, and I just spend half my time laying awake at night worrying about how things will turn out. I really want to be happy for my friend because he's such a nice guy, but I can't. I'm just so angry.

There you go.
I think it's normal, tbh. **** example, but during the summer, my friend won €9000 in the local lottery. A few weeks later he won over €300 at the Galway races. Although I was happy for him, I was quite bitter because I didn't win any money! (although I didn't buy a ticket or go to the races )
Don't worry about it, regardless of what you think, your parents WILL accept you eventually. They most likely think that you're too young to be so sure about something like this, but when you're older they'll realise that it's not a phase or experimentation or just a way to annoy them, and they'll accept it.

conmalone

Hey Crayola,

As the person quoted in that Irish Times article, I can tell you it's not as bad as it may sound! Things aren't perfect, but it's getting better all the time.

Gay Doctors Ireland has only been around for 6 months and we already have hospital consultants, GPs, surgeons from all over Ireland, as well as junior doctors and medical students, as members. The response from straight allies has been very positive and consultants are supportive. I think just the fact that GDI exists helps makes it easier in ways.

Have a look at our website (www.gaydoctorsireland.ie) and if you want to chat about things you can send us a message there.

Quentinkrisp

OP, I feel the same way as you regarding the jealousy part- my two best friends had no probs at all coming out to their parents, whereas mine was excruciatingly awkward (involved a lot of shouting from me as well)

and sometimes i feel resentful towards them for it, but i dont let it develop into something that'll take over my whole life: basically i don't let it get in the way of my friendship with them.

As for the guilt and self loathing, there's absolutely no need for that at all. You should never be ashamed of your sexuality and you shouldn't feel that you've ruined your relationship with your parents, that's just pointless, stifling guilt and it wont get you anywhere tbh

Beruthiel

crayolastereo wrote: »

I ruined my relationship with my parents, I feel incredibly guilty and angry with them. I feel like I killed who they thought their daughter was.

Crayo, I'm a parent and take it from me, YOU did not ruin your relationship with your parents, THEY did.
It is not up to a child to make sure their relationship with their parents is a successful one. It is up to the parent.
If a parent works hard from day one with their child. If they unconditionally love the child no matter what, then the child is happy and the parents are happy.
Unfortunately there are no compulsory courses in parenting. When I become Dictator of the Universe, there will be.

I just spend half my time laying awake at night worrying about how things will turn out.

Well you can stop that right now. I guarantee that whatever stuff you are making up in your head, won't happen.
When I was young, I worried about everything. My life, the future etc.
By the time I hit 30, I pointed out to myself that I was still alive and healthy.
All that worrying over the years had been pointless. For nothing. A dead emotion.
I stopped worrying.
Life instantly got even better.
There's no point worrying you see, what will be will be and you just take it on the chin and get on with it. That kind of attitude makes you stronger and even more able to live with whatever life throws at you.
That might all sound airy fairy, but trust me, it works.

I really want to be happy for my friend because he's such a nice guy, but I can't. I'm just so angry.

Maybe if you tell him how you feel it might help.

DS333

Crayola,

I think you're angry with him because you're angry about the fact that coming out and having a girlfriend hasn't made you as happy as you expected. When we feel bad we usually turn on those we love or those we are closest to.

I'm a gay man so I'm not sure how much help I can be. In my case I kept running from the truth about myself for 40 years - hard to believe, I know. Then I came out and had a boyfriend and expected everything to be perfect. It wasn't and, as a result, I almost gave up on life.

I went to a psychotherapist and discovered that the problems were to do with me, not my boyfriend or coming out. I had to deal with abysmally low self-esteem, repressed anger on a global scale - I come from a rigidly Catholic background where I'd heard people like me vilified as long as I can remember - and a horrible tendency to feel I was a victim and wallow in it. Of course, I'm not saying you harbour such tendencies, but it might be as well to look inwards and determine whether there is an underlying problem or not. I can't say. I'm no expert.

I've dealt with all that now, have come to terms with being gay and am very happy. I'm not in a relationship, but I know I'm ready and won't crumble like the last time.

My family weren't too happy about my revelation. One brother and his wife are great, the rest never mention the fact. Not ever. Their attitude is that as long as I remain celibate I'm okay. I kid you not. They don't have to know and I keep them in the dark.

I lost my closest friend when I came out. We'd been buddies since childhood. Yes, I'd had a crush on him early on but I got over it and I never, ever, said or did anything to offend him. We were like brothers. There was no sexual tension between us at all. But I knew I had done wrong the moment I told him. He said it was fine but I could see the disgust in his eyes. I never heard from him again, despite being the same person, a person who'd been gay the whole time we'd been friends. It's sad, but I got over it.

As for your "religious" friends, they're not Christan at all. If they can't love their neighbour, just because she's gay, how the hell are they going to love their enemies, as they're ordered to do? If they think they're going to get a pat on the back from Christ when they die, they're delusional.

I sincerely hope I've been some help. It's not easy being gay, even today. You only have to read the other sad messages posted to realize that.

I send you my very best wishes.

Chuchoter

Thanks for all the advice guys, I actually feel so much better now. You are all so nice and helpful :):)

DS333

crayolastereo wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice guys, I actually feel so much better now. You are all so nice and helpful :):)

That's what we're here for!!