To get pregnant or not to get pregnant...

LegacyUser

Hi all,

am hoping you can help me with some advice.

My partner and I started trying for a baby in August. He is 35 this year and I will be 32. We are so ready to start a family! The problem is that my colleague announced that she is pregnant and will go on maternity leave (for up to 1 year) from January. My heart sank when I found out, as my colleague and I have the same job function and two of us going on maternity leave is not ideal. We are 5 people who perform our particular job function, in a dept, of around 25. Hence my partner and I stopped trying for a baby after I heard about my colleagues pregnancy
The problem is I am not sure I can wait much longer! I am not getting any younger and I want to have my first child soon!
Should I forget about the work side of things and just get pregnant?
What would you do?

One last thing -- Our team lead (who has raised her family) made a remark today that the next person they hire will ''not be in your age group'' because of the whole maternity leave thing and the inconvenience of having to find someone to fill in. This made me feel even worse about getting pregnant any time soon- help!

username123

goingunregd wrote: »

Should I forget about the work side of things and just get pregnant?

Yes. Women get pregnant. Companies have to deal with that. Its not your fault or problem that someone else is pregnant.

And the remark your team leader made is discriminatory and it should be brought to her attention that to not hire a woman because she is of childbearing age could lead to a nice court settlement for the woman who is turned down for this reason.

magneticimpulse

I wouldnt worry about your age at 32 for a start. Im nearly 30 and I havent even met the one, let alone got engaged, planned a wedding or even have a chance yet to have children. So Im sure you have plenty of years yet!!!!

If your age is stressing you out this much, maybe you should get a test to see exactly how much longer you have left on your reproductive biologicalclock! The more stressed your going to get, i assume the less chance you can have a baby (not that i even know anything about making babies). At least that way you can freeze your eggs and not be stressed over being too old to start a family. Seriously most women are starting families at 38 years old these days

calibelle

Yes you won't achieve anything by waiting! For all you know the other woman may not come back from maternity leave at all or may get pregnant again fairly soon afterwards- it's not up to you to to worry about the firms problems!

littlefriend

goingunregd wrote: »

Should I forget about the work side of things and just get pregnant?

100% forget about the work side of it. I might take a few years to get pregnant so you might as well start now.

'Our team lead (who has raised her family) made a remark today that the next person they hire will ''not be in your age group'' because of the whole maternity leave thing and the inconvenience of having to find someone to fill in. '

Apart from being a ludicrous thing for a woman who has children to say, I am pretty sure this is illegal! It also shows what the company think about its employees so I really wouldn't be putting my life on hold to suit them.

CathyMoran

What will be more important to you in a few years time? The fact that you stayed in work and delayed having a family and have a higher risk pregnancy when you were older (if you can concieve then) or that you have a child in the next year or two.

magneticimpulse

littlefriend wrote: »

100% forget about the work side of it. I might take a few years to get pregnant so you might as well start now.

'Our team lead (who has raised her family) made a remark today that the next person they hire will ''not be in your age group'' because of the whole maternity leave thing and the inconvenience of having to find someone to fill in. '

Apart from being a ludicrous thing for a woman who has children to say, I am pretty sure this is illegal! It also shows what the company think about its employees so I really wouldn't be putting my life on hold to suit them.

So that basically rules out any woman who has a period...from 10 years old to 60..hmm maybe they can employ women between 60 and 65...

You should report this manager. Its completely illegal

littlefriend

Also OP, you are so concerned about your work and the politics there because you are in the middle of it. When you take a step away you will see that there are more important things in life than Monday to Friday 9 - 5.

Before anyone says anything about this - I'm not saying you or anyone else shouldn't be conscientious about your job at all I just mean that you and your husband are more important than any job.

It is really outrageous that your team leader said that! What a fool in her lofty position as a fecking team leader.

How Strange

Op I'm 7 months pregnant and I can tell you there's never a perfect time to get pregnant or have a child. I certainly wouldn't have want to bring my
kids up in such frightening economic times but here I am! If you keep waiting for the perfect time then you'll be 50 wondering why you didn't have kids.

A job is just a job and while they may be thin on the ground at the moment imo family is the most important
thing in life.

fungun

your team lead shouldnt say that but i can understand her thoughts! But its her job to deal with it, not yours!

Either way its your life, do what you want to do....personally i cant even imagine caring what my work was like in terms of choosing a baby. And although 32 is young enough, if you plan on having 2 or 3 kids then it is not worth waiting if you guys want to do it, so Id go for it.

Neyite

you sound like a really loyal employee, who cares a lot about the company, but these days, that same company could make you redundant, or put you on short time, or force you to take a pay cut. they will not consider that you may have loans and mortgages to pay, families to feed, christmas coming up etc. if they need to cut corners, they will and you will kick youself if that happens and you put off personal plans so much.

there will never be a perfect time for a baby, but the economy will probably recover somewhat by the time your planned child starts school, so i would advise grabbing your husband and do some catching up on your babymaking if thats what you want for your future.

and yeah, i agree with the others about your supervisor. shes an idiot.

Mrmoe

Keep trying for a child if that is what you really want. The company that you work for will not thank you for not getting pregnant and the likelihood is that they will not show you the same loyalty in return. You need to do what is best for you and your partner. In the long run you will be glad that you did.

whitehallp

OMG your manager sounds like a complete %$£@!!! What an utterly stupid stupid stupid thing for a WOMAN to say - in ANY setting. Sure , she is a boss, but did she forget she was a human being somewhere along the way???

And by the sounds of it you have let it get to you and are sensitive about it. Which is understandable. BUT the most important thing which is lovely is that you and your bf want a baby which is WHY we (well mainly) we all work - to have a LIFE, to pay for the things we want in life which in your (and many others ) case is a baby/family. Why do people forget the basics? a job is a job and its great to be career oriented and loyal to your company - but sorry to be dramatic - will they turn up at your 50th bday party, silver wedding anniversary, funeral, ah no dont think so, but your children will.

Sorry, fuuuuuming with your boss here:mad: but best of luck with your plans - if its what you both want hope it all turns out well and will be fun:D;)

QuiteInterestin

Hi OP,
Sorry to put a downer on things, but most couples don't get pregnant first try!
Many couples can be up to a year if not more trying to get pregnant. You don't want to spend up to a year waiting around before trying and then finding its taking alot longer then planned.

I think you should go for it, you sound like a dedicated employee and your company should be happy to have you working for them, maternity leave or not.

magneticimpulse

QuiteInterestin wrote: »

Hi OP,
Sorry to put a downer on things, but most couples don't get pregnant first try!
Many couples can be up to a year if not more trying to get pregnant. You don't want to spend up to a year waiting around before trying and then finding its taking alot longer then planned.

I think you should go for it, you sound like a dedicated employee and your company should be happy to have you working for them, maternity leave or not.

is it really that difficult to get pregnant?? and here was i worrying about those few ONS and not having ONS for fear of getting pregnant. I thought once you didnt use contraception that was it....brillant ive been stressing far to much about having a baby to have sex...better get out there and have sex so.

Darthhoob

hunny if you put work before your own personal life....you may have regrets! i know there is no rush for babies at your age (though ofc it depends on fertility and if you want more etc etc) but if you were to put it off and come across fertility problems what then? it took me 2 years to get pregnant with my second son...we were actively trying. by sods law my other two were completely unexpected! and happened quickly! lol!!
you just can put a time limit on it.

my mum had me at 39...unexpected but you dont have to be THAT young to be a good mum

my best friend went back to work in january, after maternity leave....she has a specialist job...sciencey and stuff...and just told me she is pregnant again
work is grand and all that but dont let it dictate your life x

best of luck )

whatever99

magneticimpulse wrote: »

is it really that difficult to get pregnant?? and here was i worrying about those few ONS and not having ONS for fear of getting pregnant. I thought once you didnt use contraception that was it....brillant ive been stressing far to much about having a baby to have sex...better get out there and have sex so.

Are you being sarcastic or facetious??

It can often take up to a year for a couple to conceive. However, that doesn't mean it's safe to take regular risks and stop using contraception if you are going to have sex, but don't want to become pregnant. You could become pregnant from one time!!

LegacyUser

As far as work is concerned, there'll never be a "right" time for you to go out on maternity leave. And you must consider what you'll be sacrificing versus what work will sacrifice for you- remember, no-one's indispensible, so even after all your consideration& thought towards the company, there's no guarantee you won't be replaced in a few years time, regardless.

magneticimpulse

whatever99 wrote: »

Are you being sarcastic or facetious??

It can often take up to a year for a couple to conceive. However, that doesn't mean it's safe to take regular risks and stop using contraception if you are going to have sex, but don't want to become pregnant. You could become pregnant from one time!!

No Im not being sarcarstic, we are always told if your not on the pill (which im not) that you can get pregnant. Now your saying it takes a year of constant trying, no contraception etc. to make a baby

Im thinking woohoo...get out there, why have i been so uptight fearing id get preggers if its that difficult? I should be out there enjoying lots of sex, worry free of getting pregnant

magneticimpulse

magneticimpulse wrote: »

is it really that difficult to get pregnant?? and here was i worrying about those few ONS and not having ONS for fear of getting pregnant. I thought once you didnt use contraception that was it....brillant ive been stressing far to much about having a baby to have sex...better get out there and have sex so.

Of course it isn't that easy. You surely don't think people have sex and then voila, the baby pops out nine months later? How old are you? Sure, it CAN happen just like that, but it's also completely normal for it to take up to a year, and that's without any fertility problems (which many women have and don't realise until they start trying). As it's impossible for the OP to know how long it's going to take to conceive, she shouldn't count on it being that easy and assume it'll just happen as soon as she starts trying.

No Im not being sarcarstic, we are always told if your not on the pill (which im not) that you can get pregnant. Now your saying it takes a year of constant trying, no contraception etc. to make a baby

If you're really serious, it can take up to a year to get pregnant, if you have no fertility issues. It can also happen that you could get pregnant the very first time you have unprotected sex. There is no way of knowing which it will be. If you're not pulling our legs here, I'd really suggest reading up on how reproduction and pregnancy work.

To put in my 2 cents, I think it would be madness to delay starting a family because someone else in work is already pregnant. It's great that you're such a loyal employee, but honestly, they'd fire you in no time if they needed to. Loyalty towards employees doesn't really exist in most companies.

LegacyUser

magneticimpulse wrote: »

No Im not being sarcarstic, we are always told if your not on the pill (which im not) that you can get pregnant. Now your saying it takes a year of constant trying, no contraception etc. to make a baby

Im thinking woohoo...get out there, why have i been so uptight fearing id get preggers if its that difficult? I should be out there enjoying lots of sex, worry free of getting pregnant

For the love of God do not do this. I got pregant twice from a one night stand(and not being on the pill) so no it DÓESN'T! take one year, usually once is enough.

littlefriend

magneticimpulse wrote: »

No Im not being sarcarstic, we are always told if your not on the pill (which im not) that you can get pregnant. Now your saying it takes a year of constant trying, no contraception etc. to make a baby

Im thinking woohoo...get out there, why have i been so uptight fearing id get preggers if its that difficult? I should be out there enjoying lots of sex, worry free of getting pregnant

You can't possibly be serious?

LegacyUser

hi all - OP again. I can see the general concensus is that I should do what I want to do, regardless of the work situation. Thanks for all your replies, things are a lot clearer now

Overheal

What can they honestly do to you if you choose the concive? Nothing. They'll have to deal with it and change their plans but it's not as if they're going to begrudge you about and if they do, it's illegal as I understand it. It's nice that you have respect for your job but you don't owe them this. Much less after your supervisor made a comment like that.

Silverfish

magneticimpulse if you have nothing constructive to add, please do not post, you are dragging this thread off-topic.

Please read the charter and abide by it.

Thank you.

iguana

It feels almost redundant to say it, but I agree with everyone else on here. There are some good reasons to put off trying (my husband and I had to stop trying for 2 years due to his health issues) but the fact that another woman in your job is now pregnant is not a good one, imvho. And as has been said it is possible your co-worker is finished her maternity leave by the time you are going on yours.

Out of interest;
On average, 20% of all couples trying to get pregnant will not conceive in the first year of trying.
According to one study, 25% of couples get pregnant in the first month of trying, while 60% of couples trying to get pregnant do so within six months. On the other hand, 75% of couples get pregnant within nine months while 80% get pregnant within a year. Finally, some 90% of couples get pregnant within eighteen months of trying.

claireeney

I dont agree with everyone else here. Seems like your rushing yourself and making it seem like it's now or never. I think you should give it 6 months. you'll have time to gather yourself, think about things and not be stressing about getting pregnant because you think you never will. Work does sound like a problem but in 6 months or whatever you feel is right I think your head would be better screwed on and maybe by the time you do have to go on maternity leave the other lady will be back/due back soon. If your boss fires you or doesnt hire anyone else because this may happen she's breaking some serious rules.

Best of luck!!

iguana

claireeney wrote: »

I dont agree with everyone else here. Seems like your rushing yourself and making it seem like it's now or never.

How is she rushing herself? She and her husband made the decision to start trying months ago. They started trying in August. Then she heard a co-worker is pregnant and decided to stop trying, a decision which she is obviously questioning by virtue of being on here.

LegacyUser

there are people who conceive easily and yes it happens 25% of couples conceive there first month trying. But this is not everyone it took us 3 years for one pregnancy which was a loss and then 4 years and ivf to get this one.
Fertility peaks at age 24 and goes slowly downhill from there. Google advanced maternal age This is from wikipedia:
Risk of birth defects

Graph showing increased risk of Down syndrome over time A woman's risk of having a baby chromosomal abnormalities. Down syndrome is the most common chromosomal birth defect, and a woman's risk of having a baby with Down syndrome is:[2]

At age 25, 1 in 1,250
At age 30, 1 in 1,000
At age 35, 1 in 400
At age 40, 1 in 100
At 45, 1 in 30
At 49, a 1 in 10

Young woman have unhealthy children too
but why increase the chances when your ready to try now. Theres never a right time to have a kid.
We're pregnant now with twins we are flat broke and in a poor position.
We were in a good place financially when we started trying but nature decided it wasn't going to happen then.

Push aside the job
the question you need to ask your self is do I want a baby in 9 months or so? If the answer is yes for both partners then go ahead and try right now.

Meteoric

iguana wrote: »

How is she rushing herself? She and her husband made the decision to start trying months ago. They started trying in August. Then she heard a co-worker is pregnant and decided to stop trying, a decision which she is obviously questioning by virtue of being on here.

+1
OP I agree with most of the posters on here, I'm someone who has cancelled holidays, come in for unpaid weekends etc because I am the only person who can do specific bits of my job and understand not wanting to let work down. But the thing is you and your husband decided to take this step and try for a child, you don't know what challenges are potentially ahead, it could happen tomorrow, it could happen in a year. Keep trying and work will deal with it when it happens. You should not delay your happiness because of what a work colleague has done.
For what it is worth, and you were there not I, my reading is your boss made a stupid ill thought remark (a very stupid, potentially legally hazardous remark) and does not actually feel that way, but because of your situation you are reading more into it than your boss thought anyone would. No excusing them, the team leader should know better but I've worked with ones who didn't and when confronted were mortified (in your situation I know you can't confront her)
So all I can say is if it was me in the situation I'd be trying

tinkerbell

OP, forget about your co-worker, their personal situation has nothing to do with you really. Women get pregnant, companies have to deal with it. Do not put your life on hold just because your co-worker got pregnant. Put yourself first, seriously. Nobody should ever influence your decision to have a child unless it is your partner. You and your partner are the only people who should be influencing this decision, not your co-worker. You are being far too naive here, do you think your co-worker would do the same if she was in your shoes? No she wouldn't. And judging from your team leader's response - regardless of when you went on maternity leave, she'd probably still give out about it.

So start trying for a baby again and just go with it.

bills

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, forget about your co-worker, their personal situation has nothing to do with you really. Women get pregnant, companies have to deal with it. Do not put your life on hold just because your co-worker got pregnant. Put yourself first, seriously. Nobody should ever influence your decision to have a child unless it is your partner. You and your partner are the only people who should be influencing this decision, not your co-worker. You are being far too naive here, do you think your co-worker would do the same if she was in your shoes? No she wouldn't. And judging from your team leader's response - regardless of when you went on maternity leave, she'd probably still give out about it.

So start trying for a baby again and just go with it.

Completely agree. You can not put this on hold for a year. You will regret it later as these things can take longer than expexted anyway!! There may never be a perfect time especially if you are factoring work into your decision. Good luck. Hope it all works out for you.

ohYeh

dontbestupid wrote: »

For the love of God do not do this. I got pregant twice from a one night stand(and not being on the pill) so no it DÓESN'T! take one year, usually once is enough.

+1
I did not have to try either

But as most of the posters have said don't let work dictate your life
and also don't let trying to get pregnant take over your life, relax and just as cliched as it sounds 'just do it'

angelfire9

I got pregnant the first time 2 months after getting married not exactly ideal when u consider I was on the pill (had a dodgy stomach) and we had planned out the first 12 months of married life as being on LONG honeymoon

With No. 2 (due Dec 19th) I fell pregnant as soon as I came off the pill (literally 3 weeks later)

It can take time or it can happen straight away but work should never be a reason to postpone a baby if you want one!