Eldest - psychology

gemscorp

In general do eldest children get the weirdest/roughest treatment?
What are the good points?
And what are the bad points?

looksee

Maybe you could expand on your question a bit. There has been quite a lot of research done into this. The eldest tends to be the one the parents 'practise' on, they get more intensive attention but they also have to be the pathfinder through childhood and education for their younger siblings.

As an eldest I found that I was the one who had to fight the battles to be allowed to do things, and then was inflicted with my younger sister to tow along, at a much younger age than I had been allowed to do things.

On the whole it wasn't a big deal though, and I think personality is only partly influenced by family placement.

gemscorp

looksee wrote: »

Maybe you could expand on your question a bit. There has been quite a lot of research done into this. The eldest tends to be the one the parents 'practise' on, they get more intensive attention but they also have to be the pathfinder through childhood and education for their younger siblings.

I could expand on it and paint a not very nice picture of two messed up parents who physically and mentally abused maybe because they had their own issues and there was no such thing as contaception back in the 70s. Let alone councelling.

As an eldest I found that I was the one who had to fight the battles to be allowed to do things, and then was inflicted with my younger sister to tow along, at a much younger age than I had been allowed to do things.

In my family I was taught not to fight from a very young age. I was severely beaten from a young age. I was an energetic child who was beaten with a stick. One time I climbed a tree in fear of my mother and she threw stones at me so that I would climb back down. I climbed back down. My mother was a bully if ever there was a bully. I was bullied as a small child in school but it was nothing compared to what happened at home. Maybe I need to talk to someone. I never had a mother as a friend like other people my age could talk to their mother.

krankykitty

I'm sorry to hear that has been your experience.

There has been research into the effects of birth order (do a google on that phrase and you should get plenty of info). In my own experience as the oldest, I certainly got the "responsible" thing!

However, what you are describing shouldn't happen no matter if you are youngest, oldest, or in the middle.You mentioned that it might help to talk to someone - if this is something you think would be helpful, there's information in the stickies at the top of the forum about locating a therapist. EDIT - here's the link Finding a Counsellor/Therapist/Psychologist Stickie

looksee

I think being eldest is irrelevent to your situation. I was answering on the basis of what would be considered a normal childhood. You would probably find it more helpful to go to your gp and ask for referral to counselling rather than try and sort it out here.

gemscorp

looksee wrote:

I think being eldest is irrelevent to your situation. I was answering on the basis of what would be considered a normal childhood.

Interesting. So what would be considered "a normal childhood"?
I was asking on the basis of a particular place in the family. Other than to flesh out my own story and relevant particulars etc I am not looking for sympathy or whatever.
I am old enough to have observed life and I've seen all cousins, 1st and 2nd of each family flew the nest and went far far away for good. (Most of them went to the US). I stayed in Ireland but the distance is real and permanent.
Also non-relatives. My ex-boyfriend's brother(the eldest) was the black sheep of the family.
I could go on with several other examples.

I just want to share experience or theories with others who are interested in this subject.
Speaking for myself I definitely feel my place in the family and always have.
To complicate it more I had an older sister, two years older, who was still-born. This added so much to the whole famiily environment, the noise, the anger, the panic, everything.

p.pete

This thread is dangerously close to being in breach of the forum rules. Any more personal anecdotes and I will close it, stick to the psychology of the subject if it is of interest.

looksee

I thought I had put 'normal' in quotes, which would have implied that I understood it was not a perfect description but was supposed to indicate a childhood that was nearest to the average expectation, which doesn't include your experiences.

Look, I'm sorry to have to argue the subject, but your question was very vague initially. It was not clear what aspect of being the eldest you were discussing. A couple of us offered replies that seemed to be in the spirit of what you were asking, but you yourself took them into an area that was not really relevant to the general topic of being the eldest.

Possibly this discussion would be better in PI?