Eldest child - how to heal from childhood physical, verbal, mental abuse

gemscorp

As the question says, I am asking how is it possible to move beyond what has been drummed into you from an early age.
I'm nearly in my mid 30s at this stage and it's only since I entered my 30s really that I've started to face how truly ****ed up my upbringing was and how it led to the emptiness, doomed relationships and other mistakes I had to make in order to learn and find my way.
My main problem is social stuff. I used to be shy but not anymore, instead I get panic attacks out of the blue even though I feel fine beforehand. So even though I am able to stand up for myself in my own head and with close friends, I can't when confronted by people who are not close. To cut a long story short there must be something wrong with me. I've been like this since since puberty - nervous with public speaking, feel like passing out if asked to explain myself, crying. Back then I did some reading and it was hormones they said but it continued, nothing changed, I've had alcohol abuse issues as time went on, it helped for a while. But somewhere inside I know it's possible to be truly myself, just I've never had any encouragement or any role model, if that makes sense.
I could have had children of my own but I've had 2 abortions already, years ago, no longer an issue, but like everything else, never dealt with. I would never bring a child into the world unless the mother was at least mentally welcoming. But of course I feel guilt over those decisions. ..
Sorry for rambling message. Just wanted to talk.

Nevyn

Many people never take the time to look at thier past and how it effects them,
they never see how it effects them and thier life and that to go forwards sometimes you have to go back and heal.

I would suggest you go to your dr, explain about the panic attacks and ask for a referal to a theraphist and start figuring you out with thier help and do the work to make the changes you need to happen.

gemscorp

Thaedydal wrote: »

Many people never take the time to look at thier past and how it effects them,
they never see how it effects them and thier life and that to go forwards sometimes you have to go back and heal.

I would suggest you go to your dr, explain about the panic attacks and ask for a referal to a theraphist and start figuring you out with thier help and do the work to make the changes you need to happen.

Thanks for that reply.
My dr is lovely but for some reason I find it difficult to communicate with females. I've only just realised this very recently. I chose a woman doctor over ten years ago, having met a string of thick complacent males. And it's not her, she's grown as a person and she's lovely. She's done smears and I'm fine with that. But when it comes to talking about feelings, being stuck, how do you talk about that? I'm not clinically depressed or whatever. I have definite down days where I can't move. And then they pass. I have never taken pills and never would.

Nevyn

It can be heard to talk about feeling when you have created like a damn in side you to try cope with it all and to be able to function with out being over whelmed.

You dont' have to talk to your dr about all of it, you can be as clinical as you like and get your referal. As for when you start the process, you talk about what happened and then eventually what you are feeling when you are ready.

LegacyUser

I find GPs are pretty useless in getting help for you with this kind of thing as the first thing they want to do is give you antidepressant or anxiety medication.

If you can ask for a list of counsellors to help you, also mindfulness is good for anxiety, I just finished a course and it has worked wonders for some in the course although with myself its a longer journey to being stress/anxiety free! Cognitive behavious therapy can be good also to deal with your thoughts, you seem to have some guilt and underlining feelings with the past. Good luck with it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,


I think i can relate to you i have had a similar experience growing up and i saw on another thread that you are not close to your parents, i am the same. My childhood was just pure abuse to me, both physical and sexual at the hands of my parents.

I have done so much work on myself that i am leading a very great life at the moment. Where once i was depressed suffering chronic anxiety and panic i am now free as a bird, that all happend because i changed everything for the better, the environment i lived in the people i was around and the job i had.... I did a lot of healing and really found a ,ot of resolve with my past, i really didnt think it was possible and i thought i was damaged goods forever but that is just not the case now! and i am so glad that i didnt give up.


Are you into any of the new age thinkers I found Eckhart Tolle's books changed my life, the whole living in the now thing really helped me to stop identifying with my thoughts and i no longer live in a mental prison of putdowns! Really thats what is going on, and even though the past happened it does not have to perpetuate you now, like focus on everything amazing that you are, the strength it has taken to get through proves you can handle more crap than most people, which then means you have the ability to push through the beliefs that you do not deserve to be happy... what i mean by that is... the hardest point i found myself at was accepting happiness coming to me... if all you knew was crap, chaos and pain, then there is a weird sense of safety in that space, i had to change my space and trust my BF more and let in the happiness eventually i found myself having more good days then bad! which was amazing because everyday had been hell.

There is a saying i feel is true in that 'we are afraid of failure but we are terrified of success', sometimes the feeling of being healthy is really hard! So the power is in your hands to change your thoughts, i know that might sound weird but that was the answer for me, bring consciousness into your life, see how you speak to yourself, change that, focus on all your good points and they will enhance, if you stay indentified with your family and what they have said you are you will have that as a reality, another reality could be your just a girl, humbled to life from a painful past but with that comes compassion for the world and skills to be an inspiration to others.

Dont worry about the social side of things for now, it could be another way you are beating yourself up... just focus on accepting and loving you right now, write it out i love and accept myself, it is the best medicine i swear by it.

Im 32 now... have come out the other side and life is very good, i feel i am walking on air right now, i also feel my past has got me here, god knows i know how to appreciate life after what i have been through, i have been rewarded beyond my wildest dreams because i just had the courage to take a leap of faith and put myself first! I felt deserving for the first time and doors opened!!


I have not one family member in my life, they all disowned me when i ousted the abuse, i was so hurt and rejected but my revenge was healing, i accept them now for where they are at on their journey and i have opened up to the many beautiful people that are out there in the world, i really do not feel lonely now, but i feel alone which is different, but really at the end of the day every person has to learn to sit with themselves and be comfortable with that, i just see people running away from themselves and trying to conform to what they think society thinks they should be, i realized then that my past was a way of guiding me on a better path, if i had if had a normal childhood maybe i would not have seen life as i do now, and i feel so wise from it.


Hope i havent waffled too much!! Love and light !! XOXO

gemscorp

Thaedydal wrote:

It can be heard to talk about feeling when you have created like a damn in side you to try cope with it all and to be able to function with out being over whelmed.
You dont' have to talk to your dr about all of it, you can be as clinical as you like and get your referal. As for when you start the process, you talk about what happened and then eventually what you are feeling when you are ready.

Thank you. This is helpful as I am more than likely to just break down crying if I try to think where to begin. But if like you say I can be clinical about it then this will make it easier.

hard to get the help you need wrote:

I find GPs are pretty useless in getting help for you with this kind of thing as the first thing they want to do is give you antidepressant or anxiety medication.

If you can ask for a list of counsellors to help you, also mindfulness is good for anxiety, I just finished a course and it has worked wonders for some in the course although with myself its a longer journey to being stress/anxiety free! Cognitive behavious therapy can be good also to deal with your thoughts, you seem to have some guilt and underlining feelings with the past. Good luck with it.

Yeah there is quite a lot of guilt on top of everything. Basically I am strong but no-one is that strong that they have a heart of stone. I have been hurt but then maybe also I've hurt others in attempt to protect myself. It's kind of a viscious circle that I've broken out of in a way but the guilt stays and I just worry where I'll end up years down the road if I don't deal with all this now, should really have dealt with years ago but nobody did back then. Ireland is such a ****ed up society in many ways.

Snookii wrote:

Hi OP,


I think i can relate to you i have had a similar experience growing up and i saw on another thread that you are not close to your parents, i am the same. My childhood was just pure abuse to me, both physical and sexual at the hands of my parents.

I have done so much work on myself that i am leading a very great life at the moment. Where once i was depressed suffering chronic anxiety and panic i am now free as a bird, that all happend because i changed everything for the better, the environment i lived in the people i was around and the job i had.... I did a lot of healing and really found a ,ot of resolve with my past, i really didnt think it was possible and i thought i was damaged goods forever but that is just not the case now! and i am so glad that i didnt give up.


Are you into any of the new age thinkers I found Eckhart Tolle's books changed my life, the whole living in the now thing really helped me to stop identifying with my thoughts and i no longer live in a mental prison of putdowns! Really thats what is going on, and even though the past happened it does not have to perpetuate you now, like focus on everything amazing that you are, the strength it has taken to get through proves you can handle more crap than most people, which then means you have the ability to push through the beliefs that you do not deserve to be happy... what i mean by that is... the hardest point i found myself at was accepting happiness coming to me... if all you knew was crap, chaos and pain, then there is a weird sense of safety in that space, i had to change my space and trust my BF more and let in the happiness eventually i found myself having more good days then bad! which was amazing because everyday had been hell.

There is a saying i feel is true in that 'we are afraid of failure but we are terrified of success', sometimes the feeling of being healthy is really hard! So the power is in your hands to change your thoughts, i know that might sound weird but that was the answer for me, bring consciousness into your life, see how you speak to yourself, change that, focus on all your good points and they will enhance, if you stay indentified with your family and what they have said you are you will have that as a reality, another reality could be your just a girl, humbled to life from a painful past but with that comes compassion for the world and skills to be an inspiration to others.

Dont worry about the social side of things for now, it could be another way you are beating yourself up... just focus on accepting and loving you right now, write it out i love and accept myself, it is the best medicine i swear by it.

Im 32 now... have come out the other side and life is very good, i feel i am walking on air right now, i also feel my past has got me here, god knows i know how to appreciate life after what i have been through, i have been rewarded beyond my wildest dreams because i just had the courage to take a leap of faith and put myself first! I felt deserving for the first time and doors opened!!


I have not one family member in my life, they all disowned me when i ousted the abuse, i was so hurt and rejected but my revenge was healing, i accept them now for where they are at on their journey and i have opened up to the many beautiful people that are out there in the world, i really do not feel lonely now, but i feel alone which is different, but really at the end of the day every person has to learn to sit with themselves and be comfortable with that, i just see people running away from themselves and trying to conform to what they think society thinks they should be, i realized then that my past was a way of guiding me on a better path, if i had if had a normal childhood maybe i would not have seen life as i do now, and i feel so wise from it.


Hope i havent waffled too much!! Love and light !! XOXO

Thank you so much for your reply! I can relate to a lot of what you've shared and could reply to nearly everything you said.
What happens with me is things seem to come in waves where I am all positive for a few weeks or months and then for whatever reason things come back to haunt and could linger for a while. But then I can come back to being centred sooner or later. I am basically an optimistic person and yeah I love mindfulness etc when I have the mind for it. But I know it takes practice so it becomes proper habit and it all takes time to develop.
PS I don't know if it's okay to ask, but can you send me a quick PM? I don't have a regular account here, I just registered basically for PI.