Thoughts on alcoholism

LegacyUser

Can alcoholics change, can you forgive them?
I am struggling dealin with my friend, she started getting bad 2 years ago. I've watched this intelligent, friendly, popular, quirky funny person let her life slip away from her.
She has tried rehab twice, will get a few weeks, months and then she's back, my friend, its great, I miss her and need her so much. Then she relapses again and this weak, sad, almost suicidal person comes out, she is the opposite to all I know of her when she is sober.
She has zero confidence and lives in her past

I'm just lookin for support from people with success stories either from themselves or as a conncerned person who watched someone turn their lives around, she's only 29 and although she has put herself and others through hell and back, I know she has it all to live for. She is amazing(if you knew her you'd know what I mean) and I want her to stay that way, and yes she is sober now but I'm always on edge waiting for the slip, i know it hurts her not to trust her but its hard to and she now is afraid to approach many as she is so ashamed

PS: Don't reccommend alanon, been there done that and found it more then depressing no mather how many different meetings I found, alot of persistantly angry people who don't sound happy at all, I try to stay positive in life and it never helps

Walls

You've attended Al Alon? It was, I thought, solely for Partners of Alcoholics, but I could be wrong.

If you aren't comfortable with your friend, then limit your contact to an hour a week to catch up, or not at all. Your friend is trying to recover but you have your feelings too. When you do feel you can trust her, then and only then expand the friendship.

brokensoul

Al Anon is for any person who is affected by another's drinking.

I am an alcoholic ( sober 3 years, 2 months and 23 days, one day at a time!). I know one of my best buddies could really identify with what you are feeling.

Even though i stopped drinking on my first attempt, for months and months afterwards she was terrified that i would go back drinking, angry at me for all the worry i had put her through when i was drinking and frustrated that she couldnt tell me she was angry with me for fear it would cause me to go back drinking!

Eventually she said all of it to me and though it was horrible to hear, she needed to say that before we could start to mend our friendship.

My advice would be to talk to her, you need to be able to be honest with her, and you cannot control her drinking. If she drinks or does not drink it wont be because of anything you do or dont do.

Best of luck.

username123

Hi OP,
I dont have a success story to share in the way that you mean success, as in 'my' alcoholic (my father) never recovered, and died in a terrible mess from alcohol.

But I do have a success story about me. I was very bady affected by my fathers drinking, the whole family was. We grew up terrified of the Jeckyll and Hyde nature of his personality. He was lovely sober, he was a monster drunk, well he was fun drunk when he was younger but as he got older he became the way you describe your friend in a lapse. It was bloody awful and I became mentally and physically ill from it myself. Id say I probably suffered depression myself, but was never diagnosed formally, but I was so stressed out and upset all the time, my stomach was in bits, I went to below 8 stone, I was constantly trying to solve the problem etc... But ultimately I couldnt. I did end up in Alanon. I kept going there, it was the place that made me sane again. Mind you by the time I went it was me I was looking for help for not him, I had actually written him off as un-helpable by the time I went. Alanon helped me detach from him and live my own life and stop letting the alcoholism have such an effect on me. I hadnt seen my father sober in maybe 4 years before I went to a meeting. I kind of knew myself he was gone too far. Thats not the same as the situation you are in at all though.

I know what you mean about the meetings though and if youre not happy with them there is no point in going.

All I can advise is to try to be there for your friend when they are sober and leave them at it when they arent. If you are the shoulder to cry on while they are drinking you are only enabling them. I know it sounds cruel but its really the only sane thing for you to do - otherwise you are being torn apart yourself. Make it clear you will do anything to help them help themselves, but not help them destroy themselves.

All the best.

dory

There are many success stories out there, it's completely possible. I'm no expert on this, but I did grow up with alcoholic parents, one worse than the other. With my father I didn't even get the Jeckll and Hyde syndrome described above, he was drunk 24/7.

Rehab worked for my father. I'm sorry that it didn't for your friend. I don't really have any advice, only wanted to share one more success story. People can get over this, but they have to WANT to. Best of luck.

gemscorp

Positive friend wrote: »

Can alcoholics change, can you forgive them?
I am struggling dealin with my friend, she started getting bad 2 years ago. I've watched this intelligent, friendly, popular, quirky funny person let her life slip away from her.
She has tried rehab twice, will get a few weeks, months and then she's back, my friend, its great, I miss her and need her so much. Then she relapses again and this weak, sad, almost suicidal person comes out, she is the opposite to all I know of her when she is sober.
She has zero confidence and lives in her past

Treat her exactly as you would treat any other friend.
If you find that you feel you are walking on eggshells or something is preventing you from being your true self then it's best to have a sit down talk, the sooner the better.
Open up to her, take the lead in the friendship. All relationships are give and take.
Most people have some addictions - sugar, wheat, mayonnaise, gambling, coffee, caffeine-- alcohol.
It's just another legal addiction really.
What makes it disturbing is it affects the conscious mind. And if the conscious mind is not strong, the subconscious will take over.
Tell her exactly how you feel and your thoughts exactly.
Be prepared that the friendship may end or be suspended for a few months or years etc.
Weigh the friendship in terms of love - does he/she love you and yours, or does he/she only care about alcohol etc.

Taltos

OP

you need to talk to her.
She needs to hear from you how you have been impacted by her choices.

Let her know you are there for her
However, also be clear if she slips - you are gone - you cannot go through that again. - You have to mean it though.

My mum has been sober now 9yrs - I am thrilled that she is back to her old self. She does have bad days. She also knows though that the day she lifts the drink again she is dead to me. Harsh? Maybe. But it is the only choice open to me.

Best of luck and remember - sometimes to save yourself you just have to walk away on the past.

LegacyUser

Being a partner of a recovering alcoholic. I've been really through the mill, won't even go there. but things have been great for the last year, Unbelievable actually

I'm very familiar with the recovery process and relapse seems to be common, although I would dread this, I could not say how I would react, I would take each senario as it comes and make my decision then. She's doesn't know how I feel about this I expect she thinks I would leave her. Wether I'd leave her or not I don't know but I suppose it varies from person to person, situation to situation and the involved parties attitudes. I'm human, she's human and who knows what tomorrow holds. But I don't like holdin it over her, hell I could do something awful tomorrow and I don't know how she would react to it, I don't like to just brand her as an alcoholic there's alot more to her and I'm no better or worse then her because she is an alcoholic.
Hope this makes sense and its just opinion, each to their own

Elle Collins

Positive friend wrote: »

Can alcoholics change, can you forgive them?

Sorry OP but this line kind of bothered me. It's not up to you to 'forgive' her. She hasn't done anything to warrent your forgiveness. Would you be looking to 'forgive' a friend with cancer or any other illness or disease?

As to your general query, some alcoholics can recover and some can't. Unfortunately there is no one on here who can tell you which category your friend will fall into, nobody can honestly tell you that, not even your friend herself. All you can do is support her and hope for the best for her. I wish you well because I know what dealing with an alcoholic is like.

LegacyUser

Elle Collins wrote: »

Sorry OP but this line kind of bothered me. It's not up to you to 'forgive' her. She hasn't done anything to warrent your forgiveness. Would you be looking to 'forgive' a friend with cancer or any other illness or disease?

I imagine the OP has been hurt by her friend's actions while drunk and is wondering if she can forgive her for these actions. So I think you're taking this out of context.

[-0-]

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/article5484285.ece

Yes they can change.

iguana

[-0-] wrote: »

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/article5484285.ece

Yes they can change.

There are a number of different medications, some of which are "new" but so far appear* incredibly successful. Though only if the alcoholic is ready to want that change. If anyone is interested in finding out more, this forum for people trying these medications is a good jump off point. http://www.mywayout.org/community/f20/


*All evidence is still largely anecdotal as the drugs themselves are out of patent generics so there has been no move to conduct serious randomised trials as there is no money in it.

How Strange

I think it's fair and reasonable to wonder if you can forgive an alcoholic. Yes alcoholism is an illness but alcoholics can do the most horrible things to those closest to them and hurt them many times over.

I know because I have a family member who has an alcohol problem and it has caused all sorts of damage within our family which he seems oblivious to and which we are expected to overlook and forget.

I would say rebuilding the relationship and forgiving the sober person for the things they did under the influence of alcohol is very important. Everyone has to move on.

timeforachange

OP I personally think that everybody is different and so every case is going to be different. I have a decent amount of experience in this area.... I have 2 people in my immediate family who are alcoholics. I have been through what your going through and in fact my whole life has been turned over in the last 15 months.
My father will not admit his problems and unfortunately in the last year my parents had to split and so too did the family. Some of us (me included) have not spoken to him since the split as he blatantly chose alcohol over us. I gave him hundreds of chances (all of us did) and he still wouldnt admit his problems. From his point of view we are all wrong and have ruined his life over this. This has had a terrible affect on my family.
I find this very hard to deal with and am forever dreaming/thinking of him alone now and even though he has hurt me and my family so so much (I wont even get into it here) I still feel terrible for him.
Its devestating to deal with and you can only do your best.

On the flip side however, in this same year another very close family member admitted their alcoholism and have been through rehab and are in AA now and couldn't be doing any better if they tried. Its not easy for them but they are a much stronger person for it.

I guess my point is that in my life alone I have 2 examples of people with this disease and one is a success and unfortunately the other is a sad story. I really believe that the key is that the person really has to reach rock bottom and really have to realise the true affects of their problem and in turn need to really accept their problem and look for help.
Otherwise I feel that the disease is too hard to overcome.

From your point of view, its hard to say what I would advise. From my point of view I believe I had to cut off from my father completely because I really believe I am enabling his drinking otherwise. As a friend, Im not sure what to do though because Im not sure of all the details. Maybe you should be thinking about this route also...depending on how much pain this friend has caused really....
Its by no means an easy situation, its a devestatingly sad sad situation and all you can do is what you think and feel is right

timeforachange

Elle Collins wrote: »

Sorry OP but this line kind of bothered me. It's not up to you to 'forgive' her. She hasn't done anything to warrent your forgiveness. Would you be looking to 'forgive' a friend with cancer or any other illness or disease?

One of the 12 steps to recovery of AA is about owning your own actions and realising how much you have hurt all your friends and family. Another of the steps is sitting down with all of these people and asking them for forgiveness. Yes alcoholism is a disease but you can not liken it to cancer. A person who has admitted their problems and look for help deserves a second chance to be supported and helped through their very difficult journey of course.
However, everybody has to own their own actions and cannot simply blame them on alcoholism. An alcoholic cant just do what they want and turn around and say sorry "its because im an alcoholic" and continue hurting people. At some stage family and friends realise they cant take any longer and also realise that they are actually enabling the alcoholic by forgiving them on a frequent basis.

Im not sure how you could liken this sort of disease to something like cancer, and the OP has every right to wonder if they can forgive the friend as we have no idea how much hurt they have encountered as a result of their friends behaviour.