10 years gone down the drain.

LegacyUser

my husband was locked up 5 months ago because he had a gambling problem and stole money to pay debts, he got caught but covered up his story and possible jail sentence until the day he was convicted for 3 years, we've 3 young children who I now have to raise on my own, I'm managing fine now, but have had a horrible couple of months trying to get over the shock of the whole thing, and get very little time to myself.

Recently the thoughts of other people have started to creep in, and I feel guilty anytime I talk to someone in work for example, I look at people in a different way. Is this normal I do still love my husband but I think the damage that he has done to our relationship can never be repaired due to the lack of trust.

I'm 37 years old, 3 young children and i debt ....! is there any hope for me.. is separation the only option now, I've been told by a councilor to split up from this person as they are toxic.

Cheap Thrills!

The counsellor is right. He is a waste of space. You're well shot of him. You should be delighted to be rid of this lying parasite.

Don't for one minute feel guilty about meeting new people. Get out there and enjoy yourself. Consider yourself a single woman now, because you are.

You're free of the loser.

Moomoo1

surely you should get formally separated first?

niceoneted

I'd be worried if a counsellor told you to split up with him directly. From my experience counsellors are facilitators for you making up your own mind on issues. They probe with questions for you to come up with answers and give you ways to see things but I don't think they should tell you what to do.

Your husband had issues with gambling but he was probably afraid to tell you what he had done or didn't know how to tell you. He was probably ashamed and like most addicts try to hide everything.

Have you spoken to your husband about this? That is what I would do. Take your time over it all.

Beruthiel

CrazyLife wrote: »

my husband was locked up 5 months ago because he had a gambling problem and stole money to pay debts

Only you can decide what to do OP.
But were it me, I could not get past the shocking betrayal of trust and the fact that he could gamble our future away without one word to me.
I'd be of the attitude that all bets are off.
I'd be doing my best to get on with my life and gleaning as much happiness out of it as I could.
I believe I'd divorce him and find myself someone who had more respect for me.

That's what I would do OP.
You need to decide what is best for you and your children.
Is it a man that cannot be depended on?

weatherguy

From my understanding a counsellor's role is to listen to you and help you come to a conclusion or decision.
They don't tell you what to do. And they shouldn't be telling you to get rid of your hubby, even if he is doing porridge.

diverdad

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

The counsellor is right. He is a waste of space. You're well shot of him. You should be delighted to be rid of this lying parasite.

Don't for one minute feel guilty about meeting new people. Get out there and enjoy yourself. Consider yourself a single woman now, because you are.

You're free of the loser.

Harsh.

A marriage with 3 kids just thrown away like that!

If the kids were all born within the marriage then there is every chance that all 3 kids are under 10years of age. They must be having a terrible time coping with the sudden loss of their Dad too.

Gambling addiction can be the worst kind of addiction as it can involve large sums of money getting spent suddenly, drastically and without any kind of provision for the future of the addict or those connected with them.
It can be treatable. Like any kind of addict they can and will respond to treatment.

You must insist that your husband take ownership of his problem and get help for it. Actually prison is possibly a good place to get counselling free of charge.

You are not alone. You can share you problem with others at an Al-anon meeting. These meetings are setup for the affected spouses and family members affected by addiction in the home or the addiction of a loved one.

Have a talk to your bank/building society or whoever you owe money to and explain the situation. Minimum debt repayments can be arranged to cover interest on loans etc. That may only be a short-term solution but it may take some pressure off and give you a breathing space.

You may feel vulnerable to advances from others; natural enough given that you are feeling down, betrayed, sad and very angry. Resist getting involved if you can until you are clear in your own head that you wish to break with your husband and father of your children.
Have your time out with your friends and enjoy it, but ask yourself are these other guys actually hoping to fill a gap in your life or just get a leg-over?

Only you are in possession of the facts; and you may never get all of them, addicts are devious liars, enough to make a decision which will be best for you and your young kids.
Does he deserve a second chance?
Now that he has hit rock bottom can he turn this around?
Will you be there to help him?

Try not to rush into anything or make any un-retractable decisions without having a period of time to take it all in. Rather like a mourning period. You have lost a lot.

There is hope.......
There are other options......

Pebbles!

Hi OP,

Only you know what the right thing to do here is, yes I totally agree that your relationship may never be repaired but your husband still loves you, he had an addiction, he needs your help and support to get through this. I wouldn't necessarily throw your marriage away over this. It is a major problem but he's going to be dealing with it now by getting counselling etc..he should never have lied or done what he done but this is the effect an addiction can have.

I think you should see how things go, I don't know if you still talk to your husband but if you do explain to him how you feel and that you may want to see other people, this is perfectably understandable as he is going to be out of your life for a few years.

Miss Fluff

niceoneted wrote: »

I'd be worried if a counsellor told you to split up with him directly.

Me too. A good counsellor would not for a second make such a recommendation, they are paid to listen and facilitate.

How is your relationship with your husband now? Do you have any contact with him?

astra2000

Hi op you are in a horrible situation and I am sure you are very lonely. This is a decision that you have to make for your self and it wont be easy. Firstly dont even consider stating a new relationship with anyone else before you have decided wheather or not you are going to continue your marriage you will only end up making things worse for yourself.
As for your counsellor I have heard of a few cases like yours where counsellors tell people what to do as opposed to helping and guiding you need to remember that they are only people like you and me who have done a course that entitles them to call themselves a counsellor and charge a lot of money for sessions, they certainly do not know what is best for you.
I am not in any way condoning what your husband did or suggesting that you stay married to him, I think only you can decide what to do you may need to accept that even though you love him he may never change and next time he could do much worse things. Does your husband appear to want to change does he realise the enormonity of what he has done? Has your relationship always been marred by gambeling or was he previously a good partner and father?
You are very vunerable right now take your time and dont rush into anything you may regret, Best of luck op I hope everything works out for you.

LegacyUser

people quick to judge the husband here. He has/had a gambling ADDICTION. He lied to keep the gambling going.
Pete Doherty has a drug ADDICTION but women still want to queue up to have his babies...for flips sake, what's the difference...an addiction is an addiction, and it will make people do the worst things before hitting rock bottom.
It's a terrible situation for the OP, but if someone has an addiction and hits rock bottom, and is prepared to make amends, then who are we to judge?
It seems some addictions are more sociably acceptable than others.....

Chicago Chick

Hi OP, you must be going through a terrible time right now and very confused with it all. Like many of the posters have mentioned above I would not be rushing into anything at the moment be it to seperate or to stay with your husband. Only you can decide if you can forgive his behaviour and what has gone on. For me I think I was more shocked to read that he had kept the court case and the possibility of jail away from you until the day of conviction more than anything else and can not even imagine how it must have hit you. Unfortunately you were hit with it all in one go and so it really is important for you to take time out and clear your head. Is there anyone who could help you with the children to give you a little more time to yourself as even though you mention you are managing now it must be hard with 3 children by yourself.

Sleepy

Very quick to turn on the husband here.

Aside from his gambling problem, how was your marriage? Did/Does he treat you well? make you feel loved? is he a good father? etc.

Is it possible your husband was hiding this from you rather than seeking your help because he was expecting a reaction like Cheap Thrills! post?

For Richer, For Poorer (unless you lose it through gambling)
In Sickness (unless that's an addiction / mental illness) or in Health

?

smelltheglove

OP he is your husband and as you say you love him. Only you can make that decision, weigh up the pros and the cons but after all the heart usually wins.

Your husband has an addiction as mentioned a couple of posts above he needs to face this head on. Gambling can be a very destructive thing but can be overcome. Ha she ever hurt you directly, abused you or done anything other than the gambling to make yout hink the 10 yrs have been wasted? You say you love him, do you think it is worth giving him all youve got to help him.

LegacyUser

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

The counsellor is right. He is a waste of space. You're well shot of him. You should be delighted to be rid of this lying parasite.

Don't for one minute feel guilty about meeting new people. Get out there and enjoy yourself. Consider yourself a single woman now, because you are.

You're free of the loser.

Terrible terrible post by you. Think of all the posters of hunky actors and singers you had up on your bedroom wall when you were young, or how many "fit actors and singers" you drool over on tv? Now, how many of them have had ADDICTIONS at some stage in their life. Quite a few of them I'd guess. Are they "losers" and "parasites" too?

I don't want to sound like a broken record, but apart from the gambling, how good a husband is/was he to the OP? Only she can make her decision based on that..

Ickle Magoo

CrazyLife wrote: »

my husband was locked up 5 months ago because he had a gambling problem and stole money to pay debts, he got caught but covered up his story and possible jail sentence until the day he was convicted for 3 years, we've 3 young children who I now have to raise on my own, I'm managing fine now, but have had a horrible couple of months trying to get over the shock of the whole thing, and get very little time to myself.

Recently the thoughts of other people have started to creep in, and I feel guilty anytime I talk to someone in work for example, I look at people in a different way. Is this normal I do still love my husband but I think the damage that he has done to our relationship can never be repaired due to the lack of trust.

I'm 37 years old, 3 young children and i debt ....! is there any hope for me.. is separation the only option now, I've been told by a councilor to split up from this person as they are toxic.

Oh OP, of course separation is not the only option. The anger, hurt and betrayal are palpable in your post. First things first - I think you need to get a new counsellor. It's not their decision to make nor pass judgement on your husband or your relationship and doing so while you are emotionally vulnerable worries me.

Secondly, I think you need take more time to make a decision - a few months is no time at all. Is there anyone you can talk to about how you feel? A close friend? A sibling? Someone who you can bounce ideas and thought off? Perhaps start a diary and get your thoughts down in some semblance of order there. I can't imagine how difficult it is juggling three kids, a life and all the stress and emotion of debt and your husband being jailed. You really need some extra support and time to yourself, is there anyone that could take the kids for an afternoon and give you some time and space to come to terms with what has happened?

All the best OP.

Zen65

holdonasecond wrote: »

Pete Doherty has a drug ADDICTION but women still want to queue up to have his babies...for flips sake, what's the difference...

Perhaps the women in the queue to have Pete Doherty's babies are shallow, vacuous, attention-seeking "socialites" with nothing to lose whereas the OP is a decent, honest, intelligent woman who has had her life "wrecked" by her husband's actions? I don't know, but I suspect your comparison is unhelpful.

Gambling is an addiction and I think OP understands that, but the extent of her husband's deception is at the heart of the issue. It is hard for somebody not suffering from the addition to understand how it leads the sufferer to act in such obviously self-destructive ways, and deception is the tool of the trade for people with this weakness. I would echo the advice given by Diverdad, that it's very soon to be throwing away the key on the father of OP's three kids. A visit to an Al_Anon meeting may help OP to understand how these problems can be overcome, or at least managed. When husband is released she will have to play an entirely different role in their relationship, if she wants it to last, and husband must be committed to this path.

If OP wants to salvage the relationship then thoughts of exploring other relationships really need to be put aside for now.

Best of luck OP, I wish you peace,


Z