Parents fight over my teenage brother's choice of religion - Mod warning post #5

síofra

Hi there,

I was going to post this in the religion forum but decided that this forum would be better because it primarily has to do with the relationship between my parents and my sixteen year old brother.
A few months ago, my bro decided to become a born-again-christian. Although we knew that some of his friends were involved in a church in our locality, there was no mention of him joining it until he came home one day with a bible and announced that he would be going to their masses and things from now on. He has been doing that every weekend since where he attends their youth club and plays music at their gatherings.

My Dad, who believes firmly in the Catholic Church and who is set in his ways, is not very happy about this situation because he feels that my brother has been manipulated into joining this church and is too young to be making decisions such as this. I understand that he is worried about my brother and am aware that he also has problems trusting other people, but my brother is to young to see this takes offence to any slight criticism my Dad has of born-again-christians.

This has created distance in their relationship which has already been distant as a result of difficulties in my parents' relationship (my Dad has left twice and it seems to me the only reason that he and my Mum are still together is because they are dependent on one another emotionally and financially). As for my Mum, she says that my brother seems happier and more confident since he joined this church and does not have any issues with it at all. As a result, there is a lot of conflict between her and my Dad on this topic.
Personally, I don't know what to think because in ways, I do think my brother has been manipulated and like my Dad, I worry that he may be too young to be taking such decisions (to make it clear, I do not have any time for institutionalised religions of any kind) but at the same time, I understand that he has to find his own way in life and do what's right for him. Basically, I would like to know have any other people found themselves in similar situations or know of situations where choice of religious beliefs have generated conflict in a family? If so, how were they dealt with? Has anyone any advice as to how this situation could be approached by me or my parents? I have made an effort to ask my brother as non-judgementally as possible about the activities in the church and his beliefs while now and again just challenging him slightly (but not too much) to think differently. Is this ok to do or should I just let him be? Apologies for the length of this post and thank you for reading:)

silkworm53

Personally, I don't know what to think because in ways, I do think my brother has been manipulated and like my Dad, I worry that he may be too young to be taking such decisions (to make it clear, I do not have any time for institutionalised religions of any kind) but at the same time, I understand that he has to find his own way in life and do what's right for him.

But he wasn't too old to be baptized in the Catholic faith when he was little baby boy or brainwashed by Catholic teaching since he started in school?
He's not too old for his Dad and you to tell him he should continue to be a Catholic? What is the difference between being a Catholic and a Christian? He still worships God, Jesus and the Holy Spirt, he still read the Bible, he still believes in the 10 commandments that do onto others and you want them to do to you? He still believes in love thy neighbor and forgiveness? So what is the problem?

Basically, I would like to know have any other people found themselves in similar situations or know of situations where choice of religious beliefs have generated conflict in a family? If so, how were they dealt with? Has anyone any advice as to how this situation could be approached by me or my parents? I have made an effort to ask my brother as non-judgementally as possible about the activities in the church and his beliefs while now and again just challenging him slightly (but not too much) to think differently. Is this ok to do or should I just let him be? Apologies for the length of this post and thank you for reading:)

You are worried about him being manipulated when the Catholic Church is an organisation that has caused wars, burned heretics at the stake, executed people who questioned it's authority, persecuted Galileo because he said the Earth was round and orbits the Sun and has been responsible for the cover up the sexual abuse of children?

Anyway there is no proof that any of the supernatural hocus pocus you and your Dad believe in or your brother believes in exists at all.
There is no proof that Jesus ever existed - he is a fairytale character.
All that stuff about walking on water, multiplying loaves and fishes and being crucified and rising from the dead is nonsense.
You are allowing your family to be torn apart by a bunch of ghost stories?

How you believe in a carpenter who died more than two thousands years ago in a part of the world most people can't even find on a map is going to destroy your relationship as a family?

The best advice to you all is to agree to differ and never talk about the subject of religion ever again among yourselves because you will only end up having a row.

If God existed surely he wouldn't do this to your family?

cafecolour

I'd say any criticism your father levels at your brother is going to just drive him further into the arms of his new church. I'd just leave him be, see if he really keeps with it.

Sauve

I would try to make your Dad see that at 16, your brother could be doing a hell of a lot worse than trying out a different version of Christianity!
If he was going out drinking, doing drugs etc, how would that make your Dad feel?!
Maybe he could go along with your bro one day to see for himself what goes on in his new church and put his mind at rest?

Zaph

silkworm53 wrote: »

But he wasn't too old to be baptized in the Catholic faith when he was little baby boy or brainwashed by Catholic teaching since he started in school?

You are worried about him being manipulated when the Catholic Church is an organisation that has caused wars, burned heretics at the stake, executed people who questioned it's authority, persecuted Galileo because he said the Earth was round and orbits the Sun and has been responsible for the cover up the sexual abuse of children?

Anyway there is no proof that any of the supernatural hocus pocus you and your Dad believe in or your brother believes in exists at all.
There is no proof that Jesus ever existed - he is a fairytale character.
All that stuff about walking on water, multiplying loaves and fishes and being crucified and rising from the dead is nonsense.
You are allowing your family to be torn apart by a bunch of ghost stories?

OK, before this goes any further, two things that I don't want to see in this thread again:

1. No anti-Catholic church tirades or dragging up what has been done in the past in the name of the church.

2. No disrespecting anybody because of their beliefs, be they Catholic or otherwise.

The OP is looking for advice regarding the relationship between his brother and their parents, not a discussion on religion or a rant on why the Catholic church is a bad thing.

Anyone who decides to take thread off-topic in either way can expect an immediate 1 month ban from this forum.

OS119

absolutely the worst thing you could do - and your father, had he the wit he was born with would know this - is to openly disaprove. nothing is likely to get your brother to dig his heels in more, and to become more dependant on his new friends than the idea to form in his head that he's being told what he can and can't believe, and that 'everyone is against him'.

ignore it, just competely ignore it, treat it as if he had a new sport, or evening class.

he may get bored with no one giving a monkies about his 'rebelion' and drop it - if not, your family will have sufficient relationship through not honking off at him all the time that you'll be able to keep an eye on whats going on to ensure that he's not coming to harm.

he also has the right to think whatever the fcuk he likes, and if he wants to give his money away or stand in shopping centres with sandwich boards proclaiming the end of the world, then thats his choice.

Overheal

At 16, you're old enough to work; drive a car in many countries; and drink and many countries; have sex; in a few cases vote; marry; go to college; etc.

Before your brother was a year old though, a devout Catholic father would have Baptised your brother into Catholocism, where he now sits on their register and census data and all of that. Not to judge that specifically, but it seems like that is making a hugely personal decision on behalf of someone who at the time wouldn't even be able to form a complete cognitive thought, speak a sentence, understand what the concept of God is - and yet that decision had repurcussions throughout his childhood, surely?

If your dad is ignoring that then it strikes me as a partisan issue for him, and not necessarily one of your brother being too young to make that decision. But it's a tricky thing because it's like "Well if you don't follow a devout [Catholic] life, then you're going to hell. Being [Jewish/Bhuddist/Protestant/Methodist/etc] doesn't get you salvation."

But, you say yourself you don't have any time for Institutionalized Religion... how did that go down with your parents? And at what age? Were you already out of the house?

Ultimately your Father has to realise that the criticism he's leveling at your brother is only going to drive him away, and as soon as he is old enough to live on his own and support himself, those two will barely be on speaking terms if this continues for a couple years like that. He needs to find peace with the idea, and soon.

LegacyUser

First of all I dont think that your Dad moving out is down to your brother joining this church. This should be made Very Clear to your brother.

Second of all if you are really worried go to the Garda, Tell them what is happening and ask them if there is any reason you should be worried. If the church is manipulating teenagers they will know. Perhaps go along to a few events for yourself to see what it is like. If they have nothing to hide they will not mind you pokeing around