How to get over someone

LegacyUser

I'm absolutely heartbroken, I really am. Broke up with my ex about 2 months ago (together approx 3 years), and other stuff was going on that it hasn't really hit me until now that we're not together, nor will we ever be again.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. Every single night for the last week, I've had a panic attack or what feels like a breakdown just crying and wanting to scream and although I'm not the type to self-harm, I have even felt tendencies to do so (especially last night).

Nothing helps, I was let go from my last job and am having no luck finding a new one, I have no hobbies as such to keep me busy. My friends are useless, most of them either having been friends with the ex or too busy with their own problems (most of them tell me I should be over it at this stage anyway) to offer any kind of advice.

The ex has confirmed for me that they want nothing romantic to happen between us ever again and I've offered to do everything under the sun to change the way they feel but they are standing by their point. It's not even like anything went wrong for us to break up, we just left things for a while cos we were doing each other's heads in. Things had been getting better communication-wise between us the last few weeks and I thought maybe they had changed their mind. Obviously not.

I miss my ex so much and I'm finding it really hard to find motivation to do anything but just stay in bed or watch telly, because what else is there for me to do? I don't want to meet anyone else, found out they had been with someone else and that's made things ten times worse now I know they're having no bother moving on.

I can't breathe sometimes I get so upset and I'm amazed I'm not dehydrated at this point, I think I've cried every day for the last six weeks. How the hell do I move on? I'm still totally head over heels in love with my ex and all I want is to be back with them. Really finding it hard to see the point in anything at the moment.

I hope some boards.ie users can advise me on how to make movements to get over my ex, but don't suggest "get a job/get a hobby" as though it's that easy. Because it isn't, and that won't help me. To be totally honest, I feel as though I'm on the brink of a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do.

Princess Peach

You don't seem to be coping too well at all. I think you should go see your doctor about your depressed feeling, and they will give advice on lifestyle changes and possibly councelling or medication.

It seems also that you don't have many people to support you. Try and reach out to your friends. I know you feel you shouldn't have to make the effort but its the only way if they aren't going to do it. Or maybe get in contact with friends you've lost touch with a bit? I've had a lot of friends trouble lately and I've managed by meeting up with old friends, or people I didn't know that well that I have got to know a lot better. Maybe think of an activity you could join in your area that you could meet new people to have a bit of fun with? And talk to people on Boards if you feel a bit lonely or want to rant for a while

Break ups are always hard, and it will get better and you will move in, in might take a while is all But in the meantime take care of yourself, I have had depression like you described and my doctor really took care of me.

I am a friend

absolutelyheartbroken wrote: »

My friends are useless, most of them either having been friends with the ex or too busy with their own problems (most of them tell me I should be over it at this stage anyway) to offer any kind of advice.

I have been there. The only person you are hurting by holding on is yourself.... Your friends are not to blame.. It would seem to me that your ex was your total existance and you cant manage to live your life without them... You shouldnt be over it but you should be getting to a stage where you can cope with it, for the simple reason that its over... I am a good few months down the line and would not have him back but have been where you are and now realise no other human is worth it.... You will bounce back but dont beat up all around you in the meantime.

tooler7

Hi op,

Sorry to hear about your situation i went through near word for word the exact same thing as yourself.
Truth is it does take time a long time that is and times where it does feel harder. We have been broke up 7 months now and i aint over it at all but one thing i can tell you is it gets easier as time goes on and i handle it fine now.

Op my advice is what i did. Go to your Gp and get something to help you with the panic attacks it really helps and go get some counselling. It was the best thing i ever did and helps soooooo much with the healing process and how to come to terms with the loss, and they tell you what your going to go through over the next few months and how to deal with it. There are many counsellers that are not great though but the one i went to was great if you wanna send me a pm, i tried a few but this one was perfect for me.


In relation to the panic attacks the best way to deal with them when they come is to just accept that your having one. People try to fight it and thats the worst thing you can do. Focus on breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. And when you breath in through your nose hold it for about 10 seconds and then blow out and that will slow your heart down and you will see it start to go away.

Hope that helps
Stay Stong!!!
Jack

LegacyUser

absolutelyheartbroken wrote: »

I'm absolutely heartbroken, I really am. Broke up with my ex about 2 months ago (together approx 3 years), and other stuff was going on that it hasn't really hit me until now that we're not together, nor will we ever be again.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. Every single night for the last week, I've had a panic attack or what feels like a breakdown just crying and wanting to scream and although I'm not the type to self-harm, I have even felt tendencies to do so (especially last night).

Nothing helps, I was let go from my last job and am having no luck finding a new one, I have no hobbies as such to keep me busy. My friends are useless, most of them either having been friends with the ex or too busy with their own problems (most of them tell me I should be over it at this stage anyway) to offer any kind of advice.

The ex has confirmed for me that they want nothing romantic to happen between us ever again and I've offered to do everything under the sun to change the way they feel but they are standing by their point. It's not even like anything went wrong for us to break up, we just left things for a while cos we were doing each other's heads in. Things had been getting better communication-wise between us the last few weeks and I thought maybe they had changed their mind. Obviously not.

I miss my ex so much and I'm finding it really hard to find motivation to do anything but just stay in bed or watch telly, because what else is there for me to do? I don't want to meet anyone else, found out they had been with someone else and that's made things ten times worse now I know they're having no bother moving on.

I can't breathe sometimes I get so upset and I'm amazed I'm not dehydrated at this point, I think I've cried every day for the last six weeks. How the hell do I move on? I'm still totally head over heels in love with my ex and all I want is to be back with them. Really finding it hard to see the point in anything at the moment.

I hope some boards.ie users can advise me on how to make movements to get over my ex, but don't suggest "get a job/get a hobby" as though it's that easy. Because it isn't, and that won't help me. To be totally honest, I feel as though I'm on the brink of a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do.

Hey, before I start. Everyone is different, and not all situations are the same. Reading your post, it's made me reflect on my own experience. This is me, and my story.

It's not really that long ago that I made my own post; I'm usually quite fluent in my speech and the way I talk, I can usually string a sentence strong enough to hold 50 people.

I just want to tell you, the pain you're feeling, you're not alone. I'm not sure it ever really goes away. I have to look at you post and see, god it feels like I've posted it, everything looks so much the same. Especially with your friends, and hobbies.

You know, a few weeks ago before my(what I taught was truly the end of me) I had nothing, I didn't have hobbies. I barely even had a friend to speak. Most of my day would've been spent in front of a computer; and walking my dog. I know you don't want to hear the line "get a job/hobby", I didn't either.. all I had was myself, and it was just too easy for me to linger in something that I didn't want to escape. You don't need to get a job, you don't need to change your life. But what you do need to do, and I know you don't want to hear it, you need to find something to do. I can't stress enough, that I do understand you don't want to hear what I just said, but it's something that you have to be told. I won't lie, I still think of my ex every day, every night before I go to sleep is the worst part of my day, my sleeping pattern is destroyed because of it.

And like you, my ex is with someone new too, even thinking about it, my blood boils, my heart races and I nearly run out of breath.

But you got to carry on, because... I won't say things get much better, for a long time it's gonna be hurt and more hurt, but I promise you, you can get through this. I'm a person of hope, I spent weeks hoping my ex would get back with me, even now I still would love it. But I'm faced with the realization, it's just not going to happen.

I beat myself up a lot about it, but you know, even though I'm telling you all this, I doubt the words of anyone else can comfort you in the times or hurt, because that hurt is just too strong to put away or hide, and it was the same for me and the replies to which I got in my thread.

But there comes a breaking point, and not a breaking point in such a bad sense, I'm not sure how I would class it, but it's like the part of you that just wants to survive and just to keep going, every single person has it. Even now you'll think I'm talking ****e, but I just want you to hang in there, let it get to the point where you can move on, because that point will come; oh believe me it will.

But you do have to keep yourself busy to get to that point, I'm not asking you to change your life and become a good Samaritan or something; but everyone has something they would like to do, for me.. I always wanted to learn to play a musical instrument, The Piano But I don't have a Piano so I can't learn that, luckily I had a Guitar lying about; and that's what I'm learning to play. I'll sing you "Silent night" cause that's about all I know at the minute. But I'm getting there.

One thing that will help you, apart from trying to keep busy, just simply talk about things, I know your friends might not be so understanding(honestly my friend told me the same, my real good friend too and I hated it; I can't say he was right either). But feel free to even just write in this thread, write your feelings.. say you're sad, say you're crying. The good thing about being able to post here is you can keep you animosity. Don't be afraid to say anything.

I don't know you, but I care for you and the situation you're in. I won't say I've been there, I'll say that I am there too. And it sucks so much ass. But you can make it through it, you can. Please reply to your thread as much you can, I'll be watching. I'm willing to talk to you about anything.

Please be safe, and don't self harm. You are better than that.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your kind replies.

I'm beginning to think I might need counselling or something to help me get over this. I've always had a (to put it bluntly) possessive and people-pleasing personality, and my ex was my whole world. I did everything for them to be happy just to make sure that they would think I was the best partner in the world and that I was doing everything right. I obviously went wrong somewhere.

Last night was particularly bad. I had a bit of a panic attack and didn't realise it at the time, but was screaming into my pillow. My sister came in (2 years younger) and was trying to comfort me but I could see in her eyes that she was terrified. Nobody in my family knew how bad I was until last night. Now she's told my mum and I know they are only trying to support me but it is so hard.

I am at a point now where I hate myself for messing things up. Why the hell did I go on a break with them? I should have tried to work things through. I know that they are seeing someone else now and that is absolutely killing me. I feel like vomiting (and did, once this morning) when I think about that other person in the bed where I used to sleep, holding their hand or meeting their family. That other person will never love my ex like I do, they'll never understand them and it kills me to think that they are with my ex and I am sitting here at home having a panic attack every night.

At times, I wish I was the kind of person who could lose themselves in drink or drugs, but I'm not, I never have been. My ex used to love that about me, they used to say it was something that they admired about me, that I don't turn to substances to help me when I'm stressed.

I want to hate them, I really really wish I could hate them and then the hate could consume all of these other feelings, but I can't hate them. I love my ex so much that it really hurts me, I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well and I just want to stay here and never come out. How the hell am I going to move on with my life? I was at my best when I was with my ex, I achieved so much because they inspired me and made me a better person, I was able to focus on things more clearly because I felt so good about myself when I was with them. Now, I just don't want to be myself anymore, I want to not exist.

I read a quote the other day that said "The worst thing about heartbreak is not being able to remember how you felt before". It was only 3 years, but I can't remember how it felt not to be with my ex or want them back so badly.

I'm sorry for ranting, this seems to be the only way I can focus my attention on one thing without crying constantly. Thank you all for your advice. I do appreciate it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

Firstly, ManofRegret just said 'I'm not sure that you ever get over it'.

Well, I'm here to tell you both that you do, and you will. You will not live the rest of your life feeling the way you do today (either of you). I am a bit older than you both, and have been there.

There is nothing on this earth that can fix this for you but time. That's it. Just time. Time to heal from the rejection. Time to move on with your life. All of this will happen, but you need to stop beating yourself up over this.

I have also suffered panic attacks (not from my break-up, just general anxiety). My advice when experiencing one is to keep telling yourself 'I'm safe...'. Just keep repeating that to yourself. A panic attack is just that. It's an attack that can last a certain amount of time (mine lasted on average, 5 minutes each) - but I'm not underestimating the level of anxiety they create. Keep reminding yourself that you are in control - you are actually causing the attack yourself, by your breathing. When you can control your breathing, and get yourself back to breathing normally, the attack will go away.

Anyway, I digress slightly. It's good now that you have the support of your sister and your mum. I'd be interested to figure out why you haven't identified if you're male or female here? I'm sure its for personal reasons, but I think it's important, even though you're anonymous on this post, that you identify that - trying to keep things private or hidden just add to your problem. Noone can identify you here, and I think the advice you might receive could be different, depending on whether you'r male or female.

You will get over this OP. You really will. You just need time to process the fact that you are now single, and time to figure out what direction you want your life to go. You did nothing wrong here OP - you just need time to grieve for the life you had planned for yourself and your partner - give yourself that time OP, and the pain will ease.

Princess Peach

Apart from the panic attacks, which I really think you should see a doctor about, the rest sounds a lot like how I felt after my last breakup.

I had no appetite at all, didn't eat for a few days and then just had to force myself to eat to stay alive basically. This went on for maybe about a month. And the crying was pretty much everyday for a couple of weeks and then intermittently till recently I guess.

My ex was pretty harsh to me, but I still can't bring myself to hate him. I am very angry at what he did, but everytime I see him I just act like we can be friends, because I still have some feelings for him. But I definitely don't love him anymore and I'm sure with more time the feelings I have will go away.

Just hang in there. Don't do anything stupid, it will get better. Just think of how many people in the world have gone through bad breakups and come out fine, even better the other side. Its hard to remember how you were before you were with him because you've changed so much since then. And you'll change now that you're without him, and hopefully into a stronger and more independent person.

And don't be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help

LegacyUser

I have been going through the same thing. Kind of. I was mad about a fella and made a move. He kissed me. Then i got rejected. The kiss threw me off.

Its mad. I never had anything but i have been grieving for what could have been. I cried most days, thought about buying weedkiller.

Its been three months but only in the past two weeks, i have been okay and getting over it. What really helped me, was going into church and having some quiet time. Some days i would sit there for an hour. Its crazy cause i have never been a church goer but it did feel better after.

As another poster said, by holding on, the only person you're hurting is yourself.

itsadeathtrap

Sorry to be blunt but man up move on.
your friends are always a great help in these situations.
Get back on the horses back. Time is the best healer of all....

Best of luck