On a break ?

Pebbles!

Okay here goes. . .

Been with my boyfriend for roughly a year and a half, in fairness we have a great relationship, we get along great and never fight. Everything between us was just going great. Over the past while there has been a lot of stress in his life with his business and family matters and I could really see it getting to him. He wasn't his usually happy self, nothing could cheer him up..he was getting very depressed over everything and how old he was and has nothing etc etc...

Last week he told me he needed a break, this killed me I was so upset and heartbroken. He said he needed it not that he wanted it, that the way he was wasn't fair on either of us and because he thought the world of me he had to sort himself out. We talked one of the days and I had asked it there was any hope for us, he replied course, that he thought the world of me and couldn't get better than me but the way he was at the minute he just couldn't treat me the way I should be treated. I took some comfort in this, as what he said gave me hope. I did not want him to throw our relationship away.

I said I would give him space for 2 or 3 weeks to let him sort himself out. Every day is so hard not to text him, and I'm driving myself demented thinking about it.

Just wondering if anybody else has been in the same situation where they have gotten back together after " a Break" ? And what if two or three weeks isn't long enough for him, fair enough I can give him longer but it would be so hard.

Any advice will be appreciated!

LighterGuy

Sorry for the harsh, realistic advice op.
But "lets have a break" is rarely used for someone to get their heads in order.

Ask yourself this:
You say he is being stressed out by business and family matters, right? well why isnt he taking a break from those aspects instead of you?


Not to mention you got a big load of the "its me not you". There is more than meets the eye on this one.

IrishEyes19

I agree with lighterguy on this one, OP, I never believe in this "break" idea.

basically now you are waiting around for a few weeks for him to get in contact with you. Its often just a slow ending, OP, been there before and its never good.

obviously we dont know all the details so we cant judge, but prepare yourself for a sudden break up at the end or something of the kind.

luciusesox

I'm afraid I'm just as sceptical as the other respondents, with good reason too.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm on a break aswell from my relationship. I have to say I believe in breaks. No they're never good and it hurts very much. All I can think about first thing in the morning is her, all day and last thing at night. All I want to do is contact and be with her but I know I should'nt, and it bloody well hurts. I know a few people that have had breaks in the past, have got back together and have gone on to have kids, marriage, the lot and seem very happy now with their relationships. Breaks can work, that’s what I believe and that’s the only reason why I'm on a break right now!

TitoPuente

BreakCanBeGood wrote: »

Hi,

I'm on a break aswell from my relationship. I have to say I believe in breaks. No they're never good and it hurts very much. All I can think about first thing in the morning is her, all day and last thing at night. All I want to do is contact and be with her but I know I should'nt, and it bloody well hurts. I know a few people that have had breaks in the past, have got back together and have gone on to have kids, marriage, the lot and seem very happy now with their relationships. Breaks can work, that’s what I believe and that’s the only reason why I'm on a break right now!

They might be good for the person who calls the break but hardly for the person who's hit out of the blue. "Let's take a break" translates into "I don't want to be in a relationship with you right now but want to keep you strung along incase I change my mind". Simple as that. If it's not working out, have enough decency and respect for the other person to just end it. If someone wants to take a break to 'sort out their head' then it's not meant to be. How can a relationship possibly survive in the long term if you can't be an emotionally healthy adult and sort out your problems in a relationship?

RoseOz

My ex did the whole 'I need a break' spiel on me years ago. He was an utter mess. The break basically gave him carte blanche to string me along, use me as a phone counsellor for his depressive outlook & infrequent shags.

He behaved poorly and I allowed him to remain in my life as I hoped he would wake up one day & realised he missed me & our relationship.

As it transpired - he didn't - he basically continued with the bad behavior until it all became too stressful & I was busting my gut seething with resentment.

I think breaks can work if they're for solid reasons stated clearly from the outset - not wishy washy bullsh!te people feed their partner on the basis of being too cowardly to outright break up.

Because that only leads to bitterness & resentment - & that is never gonna be healthy for a relationship to bounce back from!

Beruthiel

I don't get this 'break' thing. They didn't exist back in my day.
I'm of the opinion that if you really and truly loved someone, you don't take the risk of taking a break and losing them.

Were I you OP, I'd tell him that you're not interested in wasting your time and don't want to be strung along.
Tell him you're only young once and will be getting on with your life.
Tell him he can get back in touch with you when he knows what he wants. Maybe you will be still available, maybe you won't.

Take charge of your life OP, don't leave it in somebody elses hands.
Take it from someone who knows, you're 40 in the blink of an eye!

TitoPuente

Beruthiel wrote: »

I don't get this 'break' thing. They didn't exist back in my day.
I'm of the opinion that if you really and truly loved someone, you don't take the risk of taking a break and losing them.

Seriously. If you're lucky enough to find someone that you truly care about, you're not going to take that risk. It sounds like either a cowards way out of a relationship or just downright selfishness, 'have your cake and eat it' syndrome.

How Strange

I don't get the break thing either and I think Friends and other American shows have a lot to answer for. Relationships are not always fun or easy and there will of course be times when you'd love a temporary way out but you have to work through the tough times. If you love the other person enough you couldn't imagine your life without them in it.

Imo, when someone says they want a break what they mean is they want to break up with you but they don't have the guts to say it upfront.

LighterGuy

My spidey sense is at me :P

op, did you suggest anything that may have shocked him recently? or ... made him think differently?

LeahK

I feel compelled to tell my story OP...really dont listen to everyone elses advice regarding this. Because each individual is different, each relationship is also different. I came on here to ask people what they thought when it happened to me too and was told pretty much what you have been told.

Our background was the same, year and a half and he wanted a break with me because of personal problems i.e. money, house etc.. We were very much in love but his problems were like a dark cloud over our relationship.. I was constantly asking him was he 'ok' and really put myself out there emotionally for him. then one day he broke,he asked me for a 'break'... I was destroyed to say the least. I couldnt eat, sleep and had to go to the doctors to get sleeping tablets! he really hurt me and it literally killed me not to talk to him. I could not stop crying and he was the one person I knew would make it ok. I respected his wish and gave him space...no texts, calls..anything!

After about a week he IM'd me on Gmail, I asked him could we see each other the next day because I'd had enough (started to get angry at that stage) .. I was in such a mess, even my work asked me was I ok...which is embarrassing.

So he agreed to meet with me. I picked a neutral place and picked him up. Sat him down and calmly told him exactly what he had just put me through. I told him I would be supportive of him and do anything I could to help him but I was no door mat and deserved better than to be discarded just because he was stressed. He explained to me how he was feeling (lost,at wits end etc) and that he felt like it was hurting not only him but me too.

After a LONG chat... we hugged, kissed (alot) and made up..:) We are still together and everything is better than its ever been.

My advice to you OP would be to relax. Give him the agreed time but no longer. Take back control of the situation and let him know how you feel and make sure he knows he cant just throw you away when things get tough. Sometimes people really do need some space and for me it worked cause I gave him what he needed. He appreciated it, and still does. Only for our 'break' we would'nt be still together. I know that now, as hard as it was at the time.

Whats meant for you wont pass you by OP, I truly believe it. Just hope this post can give you a glimmer of hope and an alternative to the others.

Take care! L x

IrishEyes19

LeahK wrote: »

I feel compelled to tell my story OP...really dont listen to everyone elses advice regarding this. Because each individual is different, each relationship is also different. I came on here to ask people what they thought when it happened to me too and was told pretty much what you have been told.

Our background was the same, year and a half and he wanted a break with me because of personal problems i.e. money, house etc.. We were very much in love but his problems were like a dark cloud over our relationship.. I was constantly asking him was he 'ok' and really put myself out there emotionally for him. then one day he broke,he asked me for a 'break'... I was destroyed to say the least. I couldnt eat, sleep and had to go to the doctors to get sleeping tablets! he really hurt me and it literally killed me not to talk to him. I could not stop crying and he was the one person I knew would make it ok. I respected his wish and gave him space...no texts, calls..anything!

After about a week he IM'd me on Gmail, I asked him could we see each other the next day because I'd had enough (started to get angry at that stage) .. I was in such a mess, even my work asked me was I ok...which is embarrassing.

So he agreed to meet with me. I picked a neutral place and picked him up. Sat him down and calmly told him exactly what he had just put me through. I told him I would be supportive of him and do anything I could to help him but I was no door mat and deserved better than to be discarded just because he was stressed. He explained to me how he was feeling (lost,at wits end etc) and that he felt like it was hurting not only him but me too.

After a LONG chat... we hugged, kissed (alot) and made up..:) We are still together and everything is better than its ever been.

My advice to you OP would be to relax. Give him the agreed time but no longer. Take back control of the situation and let him know how you feel and make sure he knows he cant just throw you away when things get tough. Sometimes people really do need some space and for me it worked cause I gave him what he needed. He appreciated it, and still does. Only for our 'break' we would'nt be still together. I know that now, as hard as it was at the time.

Whats meant for you wont pass you by OP, I truly believe it. Just hope this post can give you a glimmer of hope and an alternative to the others.

Take care! L x

Ok, sorry but this post has really annoyed me!!! dont listen to anyone elses advice!!! I dont think any poster has a right to say that here. This forum is for people to give advice thats why the OP came on here.

@OP, thats a great story from Leah here. Really it is and fair play that it worked out, but other people here are only advising that you prepare for the worst if it comes to it. Most peoples experiences of breaks havent gone well, I think thats the jist of the opinion here and people are only opening the reality of it. Its often a fairytale ending when people get back together and STAY together, thats the tricky part. I wish you all the best. And I would take other peoples advice here. The wonderful thing about this forum is that it incorporates people from all ages and experiences. So often you have the older advising the younger and vica verca, it works well together. The variety of answers from people is really encouraging in my opinion.

LeahK

Ok, sorry but this post has really annoyed me!!! dont listen to anyone elses advice!!! I dont think any poster has a right to say that here. This forum is for people to give advice thats why the OP came on here.

Sorry if I offended, I should have worded it different.
When I posted on here for my problem which was almost indentical, I was told to forget him, tell him where to go etc etc. This would have been the exact wrong thing for me to do,hence why I also said everyone and every relationship is different... This was my reality so to say that it probably wont work out when it actually might is a bit harsh an untrue. Im on for the OP being realistic but only she can decide if he boyfriend is genuine or not. We dont know him or what pressure he's under...we also dont know how much he loves her or how committed they are to one another. The OP wanted to know if a break had worked for anyone and it had worked for me.
Again, apologies if offended anyone,definately not my intention,

IrishEyes19

LeahK wrote: »

Sorry if I offended, I should have worded it different.
When I posted on here for my problem which was almost indentical, I was told to forget him, tell him where to go etc etc. This would have been the exact wrong thing for me to do,hence why I also said everyone and every relationship is different... This was my reality so to say that it probably wont work out when it actually might is a bit harsh an untrue. Im on for the OP being realistic but only she can decide if he boyfriend is genuine or not. We dont know him or what pressure he's under...we also dont know how much he loves her or how committed they are to one another. The OP wanted to know if a break had worked for anyone and it had worked for me.
Again, apologies if offended anyone,definately not my intention,

I agree, Leah, but I also believe breaks work for about 2 in ten relationships. I just think more care needs to be taken in case of false hope, but its nice to hear it worked out for you all the same.

:OP, hopefully it will for you also!! time will tell!!

astra2000

Personally I dont see how a break can work if the decision to take one has been made by only one person in the relationship. Op you must be feeling so hurt right now it seems so unfair to you especially considering that the problems your bf is having are nothing to do with you or anything you have done. Surely it is more normal in a relationship if you are having problems from an outside source to turn to your otherhalf for help and love not to distance your self from them.
My worry for the future op would be, that should you stay together each time your bf hit a few problems he may push you away rather than turning to you.
Best of luck op