Boyfriends Best Friend is a girl- Please help.

CKING

Please help!! I have been going out with a guy for nearly 8 months now .His best friend is a girl who I have not met yet. They have been friends for many years but my paranoia has gotten the better of me . They txt each other all the time so I checked his phone one day ( which I do feel quality about) I didn’t find anything incriminating as such but they tell each other that the miss each other and that they cant wait to see each other and there are some random txt with just kisses on them. Should I be worried? I don’t know how to act and it is really starting to get to me. I do love him and I know that he loves me but I wonder if it is her that he is really in love with.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Catari Jaguar

CKING wrote: »

my paranoia has gotten the better of me . They txt each other all the time so I checked his phone one day ( which I do feel quality about) I didn’t find anything incriminating as such.


Any advice would be appreciated.

There's no point in going out with someone if you don't trust them and if your paranoia is making you do crazy things. And after all that your found nothing. You WANTED to find something incriminating to rationalise/ justify your feelings. Either get your headfcuk sorted or just break up with him.

Cavehill Red

My advice is meet her.

Find out what she's like and get to know her. See how she interacts in person with your OH. Maybe you'll end up friendly with her too.

Could be a brother-sister type of relationship. She could be happily involved romantically with someone else. There are many perfectly innocent explanations.

Your relationship's doomed without trust. It's out of order to be checking his phone behind his back.

I think it's a little odd that your OH has compartmentalised their life to keep you and his friend apart for so long. But there could be good reasons for that too.

If you want resolve this, just meet the girl with him for a drink or a bit of food. Have a bit of banter and watch how they get on. You'll know in no time if you've anything to worry about or not.

tatabubbly

Howya!
My bests friends consist of a core 4, two boys and two girls (me! ) Now not many people understand our dynamic but we've known each other for years.
Going with one of them would be like going with my cousin, gross!
As long as there is no previous history between them i wouldn't worry, the girl could just be one of these people who add xxxxx to the end of ever message they send (i know a good few people who do this ever time!)

I honestly wouldn't worry about it, but i would advise you to try and get to know the girl better, it might ease your mind!

girlyhappyface

If he wanted to be with her, he would be.

Meet her, see them together and understand that just because you don't have male friends, doesn't mean others can't. People can be friends with the opposite sex.

You're probably only paranoid cos you haven't met her. One of my best friends is a guy, and once my boyfriend met him, he completely understood that we were friends only. My boyfriend also has a fair few close female friends.

Don't check his phone again. It's none of your business whats on it. If you don't trust him, break up with him!

Xiney

OP, I'm going to move this to Relationship Issues, but they don't allow polls there so I'm going to close it first.

silkworm53

You have every right to be suspicious and distrustful.
It could be totally innocent but you have to make it clear to him that if your relationship is going to have a future, he is with you and nobody else.
If he has any cop on at all he should be aware that texting this other girl is inappropriate even if there is nothing happening between them.
Platonic friendships are one thing but this is too much if he has you.
You and he should be both lovers and best friends.
He shouldn't be secretive and have a part of his life you know nothing about.
That's just not on at all.
No harm telling this other girl to politely feck off with herself if she can't take the hint.
It is harmless stuff probably but it shouldn't be happening if he is already taken.

Beruthiel

CKING wrote: »

Please help!! I have been going out with a guy for nearly 8 months now .His best friend is a girl who I have not met yet. They have been friends for many years but my paranoia has gotten the better of me .

If they have been friends for years, then he had plenty of time to get with her before you came along. He didn't, clearly, they are just friends.

They txt each other all the time so I checked his phone one day

A total betrayal of trust. You have no right going anywhere near his phone without his consent.

If you haven't met her yet, offer to have her round to dinner.

hybridmouse

silkworm53 wrote: »

You have every right to be suspicious and distrustful.
It could be totally innocent but you have to make it clear to him that if your relationship is going to have a future, he is with you and nobody else.
If he has any cop on at all he should be aware that texting this other girl is inappropriate even if there is nothing happening between them.
Platonic friendships are one thing but this is too much if he has you.
You and he should be both lovers and best friends.
He shouldn't be secretive and have a part of his life you know nothing about.
That's just not on at all.
No harm telling this other girl to politely feck off with herself if she can't take the hint.
It is harmless stuff probably but it shouldn't be happening if he is already taken.

This is dreadful advice, how ridiculous! Just because he is in a relationship does not mean in anyway that he should have to give up long-standing relationships with friends of either sexes.

Op, you know yourself you shouldn't be snooping in his phone. This sounds like a little insecurity on your part. Your BF is entitled to friendships with other women. It is reasonable for you to want to meet his friends though, so I would suggest this.

My BF has female friends who were there long before me. It's perfectly normal. If your BF wanted to be with his best friend that would have happened a long time ago. Maybe you need to work on communication between the two of you, and start meeting more of his circle of friends.

CKING

Thanks all for your responses. I feel a little better about this issue. However what I think is that he may have been in love with her but she does not have the same feelings for him. I suppose this is out of my control and I have to be more confident in our relationship and myself. But why does it drive me so mad ahhhhhhh!!

Keep the advice coming though.

Nikbik

This girl was a friend before you came on the scene, So cut them both some slack... but i dont really get why after mts you havent met her, My best friend is a guy and we have a super bond that no girl or guy could ever break, We tell each other everything and i believe there is no harm in having a guy as a BFF Ive 4 sisters so he's like the brother i never had, Give him a break he's allowed have friends. Maybe suggest you'd like to meet her and go out for a night out with her, If you get on, Like i did with my mates new girl - you will gain another friend. And maybe stop looking through his phone cause if he if was to catch you i doubt he'd be impressed....

kylith

silkworm53 wrote: »

You have every right to be suspicious and distrustful.
It could be totally innocent but you have to make it clear to him that if your relationship is going to have a future, he is with you and nobody else.
If he has any cop on at all he should be aware that texting this other girl is inappropriate even if there is nothing happening between them.
Platonic friendships are one thing but this is too much if he has you.
You and he should be both lovers and best friends.
He shouldn't be secretive and have a part of his life you know nothing about.
That's just not on at all.
No harm telling this other girl to politely feck off with herself if she can't take the hint.
It is harmless stuff probably but it shouldn't be happening if he is already taken.

What absolute rot. I'm a girl and I have many male friends; in fact most of my friends are men. If my bf told me to stop talking to my best friend he'd find himself single in no short order because the man has been one of my closest friends for more than a decade and is like a brother to me.

There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite gender, in fact it's a good thing because it helps you get a perspective from a man's point of view.

CKING wrote: »

Thanks all for your responses. I feel a little better about this issue. However what I think is that he may have been in love with her but she does not have the same feelings for him. I suppose this is out of my control and I have to be more confident in our relationship and myself. But why does it drive me so mad ahhhhhhh!!

Keep the advice coming though.

I think that you should tell your bf that you would like to meet his friend. Then you can make a proper judgement. Don't worry too much about her ending text messages with XXX, lots of people do that purely out of habit. And stop looking through his phone.

Sanjuro

Two of my closest friends are girls. And I have an ex who was absolutely paranoid about them. The thing is, I'm not, nor ever have, nor ever will be in love with these two friends. Just because they're girls, and I'm a guy, does not mean that something will happen between us.

I brought my ex out with them. I was completely honest and open about our friendships. And yet it wasn't enough for her. And I realise now that there is nothing I could do to allay her fears. They were her insecurities. I would suggest that you get your boyfriend to introduce you to this friend of his. Meet her, and you'll more than likely realise that your fears are unfounded. But be very careful. If you persue this despite your boyfriend's attempts to show you it's just a friendship, you could destroy your relationship with him.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

Break up with this man and save him years (and you) of trouble, because what you did was sneaky, rude, underhanded and will get worse with time, usually people who are paranoid aout their partners cheating are the very ones who go on to cheat. sort your own head out and then by all means enter into what should be a loving, trustworthy and loyal relationship, as it stands you have cheated him and not the other way round.

ABajaninCork

I'm in the same position, but reversed.

One of my best friends is a man. Yes, there were some feelings there (from both sides) years ago, but then it developed into a deep friendship. There's nothing he wouldn't do for me and vice versa.

When he first got together with his wife, there was a lot of suspicion from her side as she of course didn't know me. But I made it my business to get to know her, and now she's a very good friend. Sadly, this couple are now in the process of divorcing, but I've made it clear that I will not take sides, and that I'm there for BOTH of them.

My husband, bless him isn't the least bit concerned. He KNOWS that he is my one and only and that there's no competition!

OP - Instead of tying yourself up in knots checking up on him, why not get to know his friend? Who knows - maybe YOU'LL make a new friend of her too.

Miss Fluff

How come you haven't met her yet if they are "best friends" as you say? Has he met your "best" friend/s?

ceadaoin.

ABajaninCork wrote: »

I'm in the same position, but reversed.

One of my best friends is a man. Yes, there were some feelings there (from both sides) years ago, but then it developed into a deep friendship. There's nothing he wouldn't do for me and vice versa.

When he first got together with his wife, there was a lot of suspicion from her side as she of course didn't know me. But I made it my business to get to know her, and now she's a very good friend. Sadly, this couple are now in the process of divorcing, but I've made it clear that I will not take sides, and that I'm there for BOTH of them.

My husband, bless him isn't the least bit concerned. He KNOWS that he is my one and only and that there's no competition!

OP - Instead of tying yourself up in knots checking up on him, why not get to know his friend? Who knows - maybe YOU'LL make a new friend of her too.

I agree with this but what would worry me is why she hasn't met this friend yet? If his friend cared about him as much as it appears, she would go out of her way to meet his new girlfriend and make friends with her, the same way that you did.

Also OP when you say random texts with just kisses in them, do you mean just a text saying 'xxxx' and nothing else. I find that a bit strange tbh. I send texts like that to my bf

Why don't you tell your boyfriend that you'd really like to meet her?

Oh and stop looking in his phone, no good will come of it!

CKING

Thanks again for everyones response.It has helped alot. I know looking at his phone was wrong of me. I regretted it as soon as I did it but I needed to know if I was being taken for a fool.

cactus86

silkworm53 wrote: »

You have every right to be suspicious and distrustful.
It could be totally innocent but you have to make it clear to him that if your relationship is going to have a future, he is with you and nobody else.
If he has any cop on at all he should be aware that texting this other girl is inappropriate even if there is nothing happening between them.
Platonic friendships are one thing but this is too much if he has you.
You and he should be both lovers and best friends.
He shouldn't be secretive and have a part of his life you know nothing about.
That's just not on at all.
No harm telling this other girl to politely feck off with herself if she can't take the hint.
It is harmless stuff probably but it shouldn't be happening if he is already taken.

this really is awful advice. Im with my gf for over 3 years & since the start she has known that I have plenty of female friends, a couple of whom im very close to. This is not a problem as she is aware that I am with HER & no one else.

I also think you should meet her for yourself & get to know her & then you will have a clearer picture.

ManOfMystery

silkworm53 wrote: »

You have every right to be suspicious and distrustful.
It could be totally innocent but you have to make it clear to him that if your relationship is going to have a future, he is with you and nobody else.
If he has any cop on at all he should be aware that texting this other girl is inappropriate even if there is nothing happening between them.
Platonic friendships are one thing but this is too much if he has you.
You and he should be both lovers and best friends.
He shouldn't be secretive and have a part of his life you know nothing about.
That's just not on at all.
No harm telling this other girl to politely feck off with herself if she can't take the hint.
It is harmless stuff probably but it shouldn't be happening if he is already taken.

So lets look at it from the other side of the fence.

Girl A is best friends with boy for long time. Boy gets new girlfriend. Not long into the relationship, new girlfriend has the right to tell Girl A to 'feck off with herself' even though she has done nothing wrong? All she has done is maintain the friendship which was there long before the new girl came on the scene.

OP, I hope you ignore the post quoted above - dreadful advice, and a sure-fire way to isolate your boyfriend. Many people embark on relationships with insecure people who slowly squeeze their partner's friends out of their life - don't become one of them.

silkworm53

ManOfMystery wrote: »

So lets look at it from the other side of the fence.

Girl A is best friends with boy for long time. Boy gets new girlfriend. Not long into the relationship, new girlfriend has the right to tell Girl A to 'feck off with herself' even though she has done nothing wrong? All she has done is maintain the friendship which was there long before the new girl came on the scene.

OP, I hope you ignore the post quoted above - dreadful advice, and a sure-fire way to isolate your boyfriend. Many people embark on relationships with insecure people who slowly squeeze their partner's friends out of their life - don't become one of them.

I have to disagree with you.
When you are in a relationship with someone you truly love, you don't have an intimate friendship with anyone else of the type the OP's bf has even if it is innocent.
The relationship takes 1st place over and above everyone and everything else.
If the other woman wants to have intimate friendships and if she has any respect whatsoever, she should back off and find herself her own man.
Whatever closeness they had before he met his gf has to end right now.
If she doesn't clear off she should be told in no uncertain terms by the OP.
She is a danger to the relationship and that danger needs to be stamped out right away.
It is already doing damage by tearing apart the trust between the two partners in this relationship.
If my girlfriend was texting another man with 'XXX' message I would meet the dude and tell him to back off if he knew what was good for him.
What's right is right.
The other woman is worming her way inside and she needs to go.

ManOfMystery

silkworm53 wrote: »

When you are in a relationship with someone you truly love, you don't have an intimate friendship with anyone else of the type the OP's bf has even if it is innocent

And herein lies the crux of the problem. You are confusing close friendship with intimate relationship.

He has a close friendship with his female friend.
He has an intimate (and by than I mean physical) relationship with his girlfriend.

Millions of people have this type of setup in their lives - close friends of the opposite sex. Anyone who possesses an ounce of maturity or common sense will know that they don't have to suddenly phase out their friends simply because a new boyfriend or girlfriend on the scene suddenly feels insecure and 'threatened' by a friendship which was already in place long before they arrived.

How you can claim his friend is 'a danger to the relationship' is beyond me. It's totally unfounded, reeks of insecurity and makes no sense.

I have a girlfriend who I love very much and who is no.1 in my life. I also have a number of female friends, and some of them occasionally text or email and add a 'xxx' at the end. It's a female thing that many girls do, it certainly doesn't mean they fancy me, want to get with me or pose any threat to my girlfriend.

To be quite frank, it's the content of the message that's important, not her sign-off. If you're threatened by a few XXXs at the end of a text, you need to grow up.

silkworm53

ManOfMystery wrote: »

And herein lies the crux of the problem. You are confusing close friendship with intimate relationship.

He has a close friendship with his female friend.
He has an intimate (and by than I mean physical) relationship with his girlfriend.

Millions of people have this type of setup in their lives - close friends of the opposite sex. Anyone who possesses an ounce of maturity or common sense will know that they don't have to suddenly phase out their friends simply because a new boyfriend or girlfriend on the scene suddenly feels insecure and 'threatened' by a friendship which was already in place long before they arrived.

How you can claim his friend is 'a danger to the relationship' is beyond me. It's totally unfounded, reeks of insecurity and makes no sense.

I have a girlfriend who I love very much and who is no.1 in my life. I also have a number of female friends, and some of them occasionally text or email and add a 'xxx' at the end. It's a female thing that many girls do, it certainly doesn't mean they fancy me, want to get with me or pose any threat to my girlfriend.

To be quite frank, it's the content of the message that's important, not her sign-off. If you're threatened by a few XXXs at the end of a text, you need to grow up.

Rather someone who texts XXX to a person who is in a relationship needs to grow up and they should also have the cop on to know it crosses a line. What I called an intimate friendship is different from a close friendship and an intimate relationship - I would consider it in between and is at the threshold of becoming a full on love affair. That is why it is a threat.
The OP needs to put her foot down, tell her bf that he must have some maturity, put a distance between him and this female friend, not break off all contact completely - nobody is saying that - but as you say 'phase' it out. She also needs to meet his female friend - she might do it with her bf's knowledge or maybe not - and tell her she is uncomfortable with her sending intimate texts to him and tell her to stop it with the implication that if she does not she will instruct her bf break off all contact in future.
Having an friendship of this nature when you are lovers with someone else if not right and might not remain innocent if it is not nipped in the bud.
That's only fair, decent, reasonable and mature.

girlyhappyface

Silkworm, I genuinely thought your first post was sarcastic- I'm shocked you're serious!

So, in effect, what you're saying is that when you start an "intimate relationship" with someone, you need to "phase out" your close friends of the opposite sex? What happens when the intimate relationship ends and you find yourself with no friends? You're obviously an insecure, jealous person to not allow your partner to have a male friend, and to not trust yourself to have female friends.

Entering into a relationship does not mean that they take top priority in your life. It is possible to trust and love family and friends as much as a partner.

ztoical

silkworm53 wrote: »

I have to disagree with you.
When you are in a relationship with someone you truly love, you don't have an intimate friendship with anyone else of the type the OP's bf has even if it is innocent.
The relationship takes 1st place over and above everyone and everything else..

What a load of rubbish! Thats how you end up with unhealthy clingy relationships. I'm sorry but I've several friends both male and female I've been friends with for decades and no way in hell am I telling them to 'feck off' because I've started dating someone with trust issues [wouldn't happen as I just wouldn't date someone who didn't trust me]

silkworm53 wrote: »

If the other woman wants to have intimate friendships and if she has any respect whatsoever, she should back off and find herself her own man...

'other woman' your saying it like she's some women whose just turned up on the scene and has been trying to get this guy away from the OP. This 'other woman' is the BF friend of many years. The OP has given feck all details, how do you know the she doesn't have a boyfriend?

silkworm53 wrote: »

Whatever closeness they had before he met his gf has to end right now.
If she doesn't clear off she should be told in no uncertain terms by the OP.
She is a danger to the relationship and that danger needs to be stamped out right away....

LOL are you serious? What a healthy relationship they will have if they go that way. He has to give up his friend because they are 'endangering' the relationship? What a load of bull! Is the BF meant to be spend ever spare second with the OP? Does he need to start running past her who he is meeting and where? What happens when/if they break up? I for one hate people who dump their friends when in a relationship and then come crawling back when they are single.

silkworm53 wrote: »

It is already doing damage by tearing apart the trust between the two partners in this relationship.....

Trust? what trust the OP went through his phone without asking. They are the ones with trust issues that they need to sort out not the BF and his friends.

silkworm53 wrote: »

The other woman is worming her way inside and she needs to go.

Worming her way in? She was there first! She's been friends with this guy for years and the OP is playing a dangerous game if she makes him pick.

As for someone else asking why they haven't meet her yet again we've been given few details and don't know where this girl lives in relation to the BF. One my best friends lives in New York, we text all the time and email but I only see him twice a year if I'm lucky. Few months back I went to stay with him and meet his new girlfriend who was excited to meet me as she heard so many stories from him about me. At no point did she make me feel uncomfortable or that I should 'feck off' or that I was endangering their relationship because they were adults with an adult relationship.


I had female friend who was gay and had one her girlfriends demand she stop spending time with me [ignoring the fact that I was straight]. We always met up on thursday after work for a drink, had been doing so for years, even told GF she could come along but she demanded my friend stop doing this and was very quickly dumped. So OP I'd be very careful about jumping in with demands if I were you.

ztoical

Just want to add OP don't be so quick to judge, you never know you may get on really well with his friend. Two of my current really close female friends I met via them dating male friends of mine. One is still dating my friend and I hang with both of them together and hang out with them each on their own.

ztoical

silkworm53 wrote: »

Rather someone who texts XXX to a person who is in a relationship needs to grow up and they should also have the cop on to know it crosses a line..

O come on people can add those things out of habbit. I end all my personal emails with 'luv my name' and had my boss at work point out I had done that on a group email to the team and it could be read as unprofessional and I hadn't even noticed I'd done it.

silkworm53 wrote: »

What I called an intimate friendship is different from a close friendship and an intimate relationship - I would consider it in between and is at the threshold of becoming a full on love affair. That is why it is a threat...

And where are you getting this so called 'intimate' relationship from anything the OP has posted? They said the BF had been friends with this person for years and then text each other most days. Hardly inklings of some deep secret love affair carrying on there.

silkworm53 wrote: »

The OP needs to put her foot down, tell her bf that he must have some maturity, put a distance between him and this female friend, not break off all contact completely - nobody is saying that - but as you say 'phase' it out. She also needs to meet his female friend - she might do it with her bf's knowledge or maybe not - and tell her she is uncomfortable with her sending intimate texts to him and tell her to stop it with the implication that if she does not she will instruct her bf break off all contact in future.
Having an friendship of this nature when you are lovers with someone else if not right and might not remain innocent if it is not nipped in the bud.
That's only fair, decent, reasonable and mature.

Mature?? LOL, now that is funny! Your joking right?

So the OP should contact this girl behind her BF back tell her she's seen her texts to boyfriend that have a few XXX's in them and say stop or she'll tell the BF never to speak to his friend again? So hands up who thinks that will end well? You really think the BF's friend isn't going to call him and tell him what has happened? You think the BF is going to be happy his GF couldn't speak to him like an adult? That she read his texts and went through his contacts to get his friends number? Does that really sound like something people in an adult, mature relationship do?

hybridmouse

silkworm53 wrote: »

The relationship takes 1st place over and above everyone and everything else.

This attitude baffles me! My relationship is extremely important to me and my OH is always my priority, as are my family and close friends. It would never be one at the expense of the other and I would never pursue a relationship that would mean alienating and 'phasing' out important friends.

I am always amazed by this attitude that some people have that somehow you own your partner once you go into a relationship, and can dictate who he can or cannot be friends with. If a boyfriend met with my best friend (especially behind my back) and told them to back off...that would be an instant dealbreaker for me. If any boyfriend dared to 'instruct' me to cut contact with a friend, he'd be gone soooo fast...

CKING

Thanks guys I dont want to get rid of anyone I dont have a problem with xxx at the end of a text but I do have a problem with "cant wait to see you" "wish you were here" and "miss you" and "darling" and "baby" and some random txts with just xxx on them. Am I wrong to think this is a bit odd. Maybe that is just the way they go on with each other but It hurts me and I cant help but feel threatened. If I had a BF that was a bloke I would not go on like that. Its a bit much. There was also a txt he sent her saying that he had a dream that they went on holiday with her and that it was nice to have gotten away with her even if it was a dream.grrrrrrr.Am I mad??

ztoical

CKING wrote: »

Thanks guys I dont want to get rid of anyone I dont have a problem with xxx at the end of a text but I do have a problem with "cant wait to see you" "wish you were here" and "miss you" and "darling" and "baby" and some random txts with just xxx on them. Am I wrong to think this is a bit odd. Maybe that is just the way they go on with each other but It hurts me and I cant help but feel threatened. If I had a BF that was a bloke I would not go on like that. Its a bit much.

Like you said that could be the way they've always been with each other, just because you don't/wouldn't do with a friend doesn't mean others don't. Myself and one of my male friends are both super comic book nerds, we drive his OH mad with our never ending quotes from comics and animated films. Half the time we don't even talk we just throw quotes back and forth at each other [I do this with alot of my friends but the majority are comic book nerds so they get the jokes] My friend in New York and I spent one summer between college travelling around the states with another friend and when we meet up we always have loads of in jokes from the trip, I'm sure it's annoying as hell for people who aren't in on the joke but everyone has that with friends.

Can I ask why you haven't just talked with your boyfriend? It seems the most logical and straight forward thing to do if your in a relationship with him rather then going behind his back and reading texts that you don't have the full story to.

CKING

ztoical wrote: »

Like you said that could be the way they've always been with each other, just because you don't/wouldn't do with a friend doesn't mean others don't. Myself and one of my male friends are both super comic book nerds, we drive his OH mad with our never ending quotes from comics and animated films. Half the time we don't even talk we just throw quotes back and forth at each other [I do this with alot of my friends but the majority are comic book nerds so they get the jokes] My friend in New York and I spent one summer between college travelling around the states with another friend and when we meet up we always have loads of in jokes from the trip, I'm sure it's annoying as hell for people who aren't in on the joke but everyone has that with friends.

Can I ask why you haven't just talked with your boyfriend? It seems the most logical and straight forward thing to do if your in a relationship with him rather then going behind his back and reading texts that you don't have the full story to.

Because I dont want him to think I am mad since I have not met the girl yet. I will mention it to him but I just dont know how to bring it up! I can hardy say I dont like the way you txt each other!!Oh god what a mess. Thanks for response though.

ztoical

CKING wrote: »

Because I dont want him to think I am mad since I have not met the girl yet. I will mention it to him but I just dont know how to bring it up! I can hardy say I dont like the way you txt each other!!Oh god what a mess. Thanks for response though.

I didn't mean talk to him in a confrontational manner but just talk to him. Have you not talked to him in general about his friends? I mean you know of this person and that they've been friends for years so he must have spoken about her. Just get the conversation going by asking small details, did they meet via work, college, other friends etc etc Funny stories from back in the day type tales etc etc Your getting to know him via these stories as well.

RIRI

silkworm53 wrote: »

Rather someone who texts XXX to a person who is in a relationship needs to grow up and they should also have the cop on to know it crosses a line

Amongst my group of friends we all sign off on our all texts with kisses, even the men do this when texing each other, lighten up.

To the OP, my best pal is male (i'm female) & is living abroad, we miss each other & tell each other so often via text & e-mail, and sign off on those messgaes with kisses. My husband has no issue with this & rightly so, in fact if he had an issue with it I would never have even gone out with him for very long, never mind marry him.

I think you should try to get to know this girl as best you can, in fact you could take the bull by the horns here & organise a night out for all three of you.

Most of all, don't let the paranoia get the best of you, and don;t be looking at his phone - he's with you for a reason

Best of luck

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think it is very very odd you are together 8 months and you have not met his best friend. Is there a valid explanation for this? eg she lives abroad or away at uni

The texts sound a little overboard but I want to make it clear I do not have a problem with opposite sex friendships - it is only strange you're being kept apart.

It sounds like he has feelings for her and doesn't want you to meet in case she might become friends with you and therefore have loyalties to you.

Perhaps she is the type of girl who likes having a pathetic ''in-love male friend devotee'' to satisfy her emotional needs. She may feel territorial about him but doesn't sound like she's romantically interested.

Definitely think you need to have a word with him. Don't tell him you read his phone because he'll make a scene out of that for the sake of it if he's guilty of having romantic feelings for this girl

ztoical

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Don't tell him you read his phone because he'll make a scene out of that for the sake of it if he's guilty of having romantic feelings for this girl

Or he'd more likely 'make a scene out of it' because she broke his trust and invade his privacy.

G-Money

I wouldn't mind too much if I had a gf and one of her best friends was a guy. Although as long as:

A: She doesn't harbour some sort of hidden desire to be with him
B: He isn't hanging around trying to muscle his way in.

I think it's possible for men and women to be just friends but in my experience, neither must be interested in the other. If one of them are, it inevitably leads to heartbreak.

I guess my concern would be if she kept saying "we're just friends" and then further on down the line, there's this drip, drip of information coming out and it goes from "we're just friends" to "we're just friends, but a few years ago we hooked up". Which then becomes "We're just friends but a few years ago we hooked up but we didn't get together as we weren't ready.." Stuff like that which can start to make me start to think there's some feelings there that may cause problems further down the line.

But if they're genuinely just friends, I think you will just have to accept it.

LegacyUser

CKING wrote: »

Thanks guys I dont want to get rid of anyone I dont have a problem with xxx at the end of a text but I do have a problem with "cant wait to see you" "wish you were here" and "miss you" and "darling" and "baby" and some random txts with just xxx on them. Am I wrong to think this is a bit odd. Maybe that is just the way they go on with each other but It hurts me and I cant help but feel threatened. If I had a BF that was a bloke I would not go on like that. Its a bit much. There was also a txt he sent her saying that he had a dream that they went on holiday with her and that it was nice to have gotten away with her even if it was a dream.grrrrrrr.Am I mad??

I don't think you're mad. TBH, I don't get why everyone here is so " omg gurls and guyz can be just friends, it's so immature to think otherwise" That's quite a black and white view... I mean, if you had met this girl , had seen how she is around your boyfriend when you're there and it was all harmless, and if the texts were less full-on, yeah, I'd agree you were maybe over-reacting, but I have to say I would NOT be impressed if my fella was sending texts like this to another girl, best friend or no. In fact, he has close female friends and if he was talking to them like that I'd be annoyed to say the least.

Pet names like "baby", and "darling" should be reserved for partners only . I don't think it's wrong to feel that your boyfriend should be saying stuff like wanting to go away on holidays with you , to you and you only.

I'm not saying anything is going on between your fella and his friend. For all I know, it could all be innocent banter and they are just messing around.

However, I just thought you may like to hear, that you are not in fact mad, and I too would feel somewhat threatened by my bf sending messages like that to someone else. You shouldn't have to apologise for feeling hurt if that's how the sitaution is making you feel.

I think meeting this girl and seeing how the pair of them are together might help.

Also keep positive... it may be it is all a misunderstanding. But I do get where you're coming from.

CKING

thanks so much I dont feel so crazy now.

dan_d

Hmm.

Op I'm a girl (scuse the username!!!), and I've mentioned here before that I'm also an engineer, so most of my friends are male. I'm a fairly girly girl...I don't go in for being one of the lads. I would be very very close to several of them. Thankfully I met my OH in college, so my friends are also his friends.

I have however met a couple of guys in work (all male environment), that I get on well with. One of whom is engaged recently but we became very close over the last couple of years. In his texts (and even when he talks to me), he often calls me "dear" or "darling". My boss, who was in his early thirties (and an extremely friendly chap!) often addressed me in a similar manner - I was often asked "what's up my darling?", if I came into his office with a question (this was not in a sleazy or patronising manner - I'm a fairly good judge of people - it was simply his way of speaking)

What I'm trying to say is that it's normal enough for your boyfriend. But also, I would add, that in the case of the guy above that I mentioned, I am very conscious of his girlfriend - now fiancee - as I wouldn't want her to think that there's anything going on between us. We are extremely close, but it's only in the last couple of years and she's been around much longer obviously. I've noticed this seems to be a vaguely country thing??(just my observation!!!), as I don't know any guys from Dublin who talk to me like this, yet I've met several from the country who quite happily (in work) will call me "my dear", or "missus", or something, in a kind of affectionate tone!!!!!! (sounds ridiculous!!)

I think your best bet is to chat to your boyfriend. Obviously you can't say that you are reading his texts, but maybe suggest that you'd like to meet her, since they are so close. And see how it goes from there. In all likelihood it's completely innocent, but even just to set your own mind at reast.

LegacyUser

I think you should discuss it with your boyfriend and ask to meet her to get rid of any suspicious feelings you might have.
My boyfriend had a close female friend who I was suspicious of due to the fact I knew her reputation (it was from guys I knew, not girls) and I was mad as hell when she was around.
I said it to him a whole bunch of times that she was driving me nuts and he kept coming back with "Ah but she's really a lovely girl if you just get to know her" until she started trying it on with him because she knew we were serious.
I told him she made me uncomfortable and it was really upsetting me that she is trying to come between us with her flirty texts and trying to be all over him when we were out, he very quickly told her where to go

Zen65

CKING wrote: »

Should I be worried?

Well I have as many female friends as male friends, and some of them are "huggers" and some of them aren't. Some of them sign their e-mails with "X" and some don't. I generally respond in kind, have done so for over 40 years, and never once have I been distracted by it. My wife knows most of my friends, and has never appeared worried about the way they chose to communicate with me. I think it's healthy to be able to have different kinds of friendships, and if anything it probably helps me understand my own relationship better.

I don't think you should be worried about it.


Be at peace,

Z

I am a friend

girlyhappyface wrote: »

If he wanted to be with her, he would be.

Not necessarily - look at the number of affairs....

OP, whatever you do, do not contact her... I dont like that comment about the holiday. I would be pretty pd off overall with those texts.... Where does she live? Is it close and can you clarify why ye have not met?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
Was in same situation as yourself a few years ago. Boyfriends best friend was a girl, was the best thing since sliced bread, great fun, had brill hols etc, etc. Rang and text each other a lot. I hated this girl I never met.
Fast forward a few months, because of work, lives etc, she wanted to meet my bf to talk about private issues. I was very odd as I was dying to meet this "Hero girl". Collected my bf that night, and what a shock I got in this girl. Looked nothing like I thought, and was a right witch to me. Talking about his exes and loved to talk about life before me, totally leaving me out of conversations. (this happended on a few occasions) However I was always extra polite to her and always made it my business to meet her every time possible.

When I look back now I think she was like that to me as she felt threatened about their friendship. I never stopped him meeting or texting her, I had no right to. Over the years their contact has fizzled out to meeting up a couple of times a year. I get on with her now still for his sake.
So my advice op, is to befriend her. If they are that close and you go mad about their friendship you might be the one he lets go of!

XarcherX

sorry OP but i would not at all feel comfortable with my OH sending or receiving messages like that to a female "best friend"... to me it would suggest there may be some history or at least an attraction on one-side and ego feeding on the other..
My best friend is male and we are quite affectionate with eachother to a point... but i know that if his or my OH ever happened to read our text messages they would never get suspicious.
There are no xxx's or dreaming about eachother etc.
That kind of thing (in my eyes) should be saved for your relationship.
There is a difference between friendly texts and what's on your OH's phone.
i could be wrong here but i wouldn't blame you for getting at least a little upset by them.
as a few people have said the only way you'll know for sure is by meeting the girl in person.
good luck