How to have as little contact as possible with a parent?

LegacyUser

I'm sixteen, and have never lived with my mom. We've never had a particularly good relationship and it's gotten exponentially worse as I've gotten older.

I feel as if she resents me for having had me so young and that I serve as some unwelcome reminder of the past, and feel little more than a financial burden to her (not that I demand much from her in the way of money anyway, apart from accomodating me when I stay at her's, something which I feel she resents me for too).

She has much younger kids, and it's quite clear that I play second fiddle to her new family, and feel very much an outsider when I'm around.

Staying with her or speaking with her, more often than not, doesn't end well - she's got very little patience with me and acts unreasonably insulting towards me, which makes me feel awful a lot of the time. She couldn't possibly be oblivious to this, because I can't help but get upset right in front of her a lot of the time.
I'm in sixth year and her making me feel even worse about myself is incredibly distracting.

Obviously I'm not interested in dramatics - I don't want to scream at her that I 'never want to see her again', but the little contact (I sometimes see her once a week, though often less, and I can go weeks without a call or text from her) I have with her causes me so much misery. She has very little involvement in any decisions that are made about me (due to lack of interest) already, so it would make no difference in that respect. I don't think it would a major loss for either of us (as she only really bothers out of obligation as it is) to cut out the occasional visits and phonecalls for the most part. I just wonder to what extent can I 'drop' contact with her, and how to go about explaining it?

Chuchoter

Just drop it, if she asks she asks, you say you're sick of being treated like **** and thats that. If she doesn't she doesn't, no problem.

LegacyUser

Obviously I've tried telling her before that I'm not happy with it, but of course she passes it off as me being a stroppy, demanding (what she says is so irrational that I find it difficult to even form any argument against her) teenager - quite a handy get-out clause, that.
This time I'll just try dropping it regardless - thanks.

Queen-Mise

'Drop' is a bit harsh...

I wouldn't be inclined to drop your mother. She sounds as if she has all her own issues surrounding you. Your ideas on your mother may well be right - resentment on having you so young etc.

I would be inclined to look at it differently. You seem as if you are happy with where you are living and how you are getting on in life - in 6th year etc.

I don't think it would a major loss for either of us (as she only really bothers out of obligation as it is) to cut out the occasional visits and phonecalls for the most part. I just wonder to what extent can I 'drop' contact with her, and how to go about explaining it?

I would suggest the contact of politeness. And I don't think there is any need to explain yourself either. You do what you are happy to do - call over see your brother/sisters, send a text saying - hi to all. Keep it casual, do what is comfortable for you.


My sister/nephew & niece had a similar situation to what you described in their teens (lots of issues from both parents). The two of them are now 34 & 30, things are still not completely ok between them and my sister. It was horrid for them growing up - but what I do know it was all my sister's sh*te/stuff. Some of it was resentment that she had her first son so young, another part was she never managed to get an education (she got her degree in her late 40s).

I'll use an old line - don't cut of your nose despite your face. Find a happy medium, that you are comfortable with.

Beruthiel

gg
You should tell her everything you said above about how you feel. Be calm and under no circumstances loose your temper. It is difficult to argue with someone who does not raise to the bait.
Tell her you are not feeling the love and ask her straight out if she actually wants to spend time with you because she wants to or because she feels obliged to.

You don't mention who you are living with, so I'm going to guess father or grandparents. Either way, confide in them too about how her behaviour is affecting you.

I have a daughter older than you. As a child, she spent part of her week with me, and part with her father.
We went to great efforts to make sure this was as painless as possible for her and I'm proud of the way she has turned out.

Don't feel that this is all on your shoulders.
You are the child at sea who is trying to cope with a parent who doesn't know how to be a parent.
IMO it is up to the parent to make sure they have a good, healthy relationship with their child. It is up to the parent to make that relationship work.
If a parent is doing a good job with their child, that child will be happy and confident and more than willing to spend time with their parent.

LittleBook

Beruthiel wrote: »

Don't feel that this is all on your shoulders.
You are the child at sea who is trying to cope with a parent who doesn't know how to be a parent.
IMO it is up to the parent to make sure they have a good, healthy relationship with their child. It is up to the parent to make that relationship work.
If a parent is doing a good job with their child, that child will be happy and confident and more than willing to spend time with their parent.

Agreed.

OP, yours is an utterly depressing post for me to read as the parent of a teenage daughter, I can't imagine what you're going through and I can only hope you have decent support from other people. You come across as a well-balanced and mature person in spite of everything you've described so it seems that you do.

Decide what you want, what will make you happiest and cause you the least amount of stress at this fairly important time in your life.

Personally I don't think you owe your mother any explanation so I wouldn't worry too much about how to go about explaning anything. In fact, I suspect no explanation will be asked for.

I wish you the best OP.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

When I was 16, my mother made my home life so unbearable, that I had to move out. When I turned 18, I moved countries. Our relationship was better when I was away and she would call occasionally. And I would forget that she despised me. But the few times I would go home, I would feel the same as if I was 16 again and living back with her. 10 years later, I have come to the realization that although she is my mother, she could not provide me with a caring and loving home, because of her own problems she had to deal with. I regret not being able to help her out with those, but am relieved that I managed to get away and focus on my well being and surrounded myself with good people. I realized that she needed to help herself. I would feel extremely guilty about not being in contact with her as often as I should have, but then it worked both ways. She could have tried harder with making contact etc.

What I would suggest to you is look after yourself. If people (even your family) make you feel a certain way, you dont need to put up with it. Express to her the way you feel when you are in her company. Try do this calmly and see how she reacts. Go in there knowing that you may get the same result - insults about you being a dramatic teen etc - and that it might fall on deaf ears. But it could go the other way. She could want to talk to you about it and try work on your relationship....if you dont feel comfortable doing this one on one, arrange for someone close to you to be there with you.

Believe me, sometimes it seems that you have to make the effort because this person is your family, but it takes both people to make a relationship work. If she is making you unhappy, do all you can to change it, and then if it still makes you feel that way, then distance yourself and make sure you know you did all you could do. You dont need to 'drop' her all together, just the effort you make can be on your terms, when you want to see her, and she can do the same.

I wish you all the best!

LegacyUser

Queen-Mise wrote: »

I wouldn't be inclined to drop your mother. She sounds as if she has all her own issues surrounding you. Your ideas on your mother may well be right - resentment on having you so young etc..

My sister/nephew & niece had a similar situation to what you described in their teens (lots of issues from both parents). The two of them are now 34 & 30, things are still not completely ok between them and my sister. It was horrid for them growing up - but what I do know it was all my sister's sh*te/stuff. Some of it was resentment that she had her first son so young, another part was she never managed to get an education (she got her degree in her late 40s).

Mothers aye! wrote: »

When I was 16, my mother made my home life so unbearable, that I had to move out. When I turned 18, I moved countries. Our relationship was better when I was away and she would call occasionally. And I would forget that she despised me. But the few times I would go home, I would feel the same as if I was 16 again and living back with her. 10 years later, I have come to the realization that although she is my mother, she could not provide me with a caring and loving home, because of her own problems she had to deal with. I regret not being able to help her out with those, but am relieved that I managed to get away and focus on my well being and surrounded myself with good people. I realized that she needed to help herself. I would feel extremely guilty about not being in contact with her as often as I should have, but then it worked both ways. She could have tried harder with making contact etc.

I definitely think a lot of this is true and relevant. I know my mother undoubtedly has her own issues - she lost her own parents when she was young, and hasn't managed to get the education that I know she wants. Like Mothers aye!, when I'm away from her I forget - thinking about it alone, I'm able to understand and sympathise and I always vow to try harder, but when I see her or speak to her and I feel like she's just taking everything out on me, I don't know how I can possibly help. She is still the parent after all, and I try to do my best by at least not causing any trouble, doing well in school, etc. but what I do right never really seems to be her focus.

My aunt, who presumably grew up in a similar situation, had her daughter even younger than my mom did, and things are so different with them, despite the set-up being nearly the same, that it makes it harder for me to understand what went so wrong with us. My cousin adores both of her parents and is so equally wanted by both, and my aunt puts her before everything else. I've dreaded going to visit my mom for as long as I can remember, and even though I sometimes wonder if it was just as much my fault, I find it hard to see how it could have been - I was only a child, surely if she'd tried, I would have been able to like her.

Beruthiel wrote: »

You don't mention who you are living with, so I'm going to guess father or grandparents. Either way, confide in them too about how her behaviour is affecting you.

My dad's aware that it's not ideal, but it's hard for him to fully understand what it is like sometimes. I doubt anything he could say would make a difference to her, something I think he has learned from experience. I feel more comfortable keeping to myself exactly how it makes me feel anyway.


Thanks to you all for your replies, they've all been genuinely very helpful.

Beruthiel

gg90 wrote: »

I sometimes wonder if it was just as much my fault

Do not wonder. Absolutely none of this is your fault. Say that until you believe it.
As the child, you have absolutely no control over what kind of relationship you have with your mother. IMO, a good relationship with your child starts from the get go.
Realise that not all parents are cut out to be good parents. Some people should just never have children.
To a large extent, all parents are winging it. Some make a great effort to do their best. Some just can't or won't.
My mother had no clue how to handle a teenager and my relationship with her was difficult. I left at 19.
A long time ago I read a book called My Mother, Myself by Nancy Friday. At the time, I found it a useful and it did help me see my mother in a new light.

My dad's aware that it's not ideal, but it's hard for him to fully understand what it is like sometimes.

If your relationship is good with him, confide how you feel. Even if he doesn't truly get it, you will feel better for having a sympathetic ear.

I doubt anything he could say would make a difference to her

He doesn't need to say anything to her. She probably wouldn't take it well coming from him anyway. She maybe more inclined to listen if it comes from you.

Sleepy

"The devil gives you your family but the gods let you choose your friends".

Don't feel as if not wanting to spend time with your mother is a failing on your part, or that you're "abnormal" for not feeling any great affection towards her.

Talk to your dad about it. If your mother genuinely is as disinterested as she sounds, she may not have any argument if your Dad lets her know that you'd like to reduce the amount of time you spend with her. This is not somehting for you to feel bad about yourself over. Your mother let you down, not the other way around.