partners family - where to draw the line?

LegacyUser

I'm sure nearly everyone in a relationship / past relationships has had issues with their partner's family. I'm hoping for advice as to where to draw the line with those you really don't get on with.

So, my partners parents went through a VERY messy seperation when he was a teenager and it caused a major upset in his life growing up. Since then, his parents no longer speak and his mother and sister still hold a very spiteful grudge towards his father. He repaired his relationship with his father some years ago and is on very good terms with him, however stuck in the middle.

Before I met his family a few years ago, I was told the "rules" of what I could / couldn't bring up infront of his mother (i.e do not discuss his father, fathers new partner, if we visited his father and partner/they visited us etc). No problems with this even though I found it a little uneasy, as all familes have their problems but over the years lots of things have bothered me.

I tried to build a relationship with his mother and sister but always found them to be full of hate - not just with his father but with life in general. This never allowed me to let down my guard fully and really get on with them. They also argued constantly with eachother - something I'm not used to with my family at all. He comes from a family or "arguer's" , I'm from a family of "agreer's" if that makes sence.

To make a long story short, a few months ago, I was dragged into one of their arguments. If I'm honest, I knew it was coming since nearly a year ago when his mother asked me point blank if I had visited his father and partner. It took me off guard and I'm a terrible lier and said I did. After this there were many conversations (she inisiated) where I felt she was trying to manipulate my option of his father by telling me terrible stories of their marriage and how he treated her. I explained that I would listen, however I would keep a relationship with his father seperate from mine with her since he's part of my OH's life.

After that, there was an argument a few months ago, his mother and sister basically trashed me and said I was out to cause trouble etc. My OH cut contact from them for a few months but is back like nothing happened and expects me to do the same and be the bigger person. I however, can't really forget it and am not comfortable having a relationship with them that much. I just visited recently as my OH asked me to since he felt it was obvious I was avoiding them but he expected me to continue as nothing happened.

Should I get over myself and go along with "ignorance is bliss" for his sake? Or am I really able to make a stand as say I really don't feel comfortable with it all and will only visit on occassions?

Beruthiel

Partnersfamily wrote: »

To make a long story short, a few months ago, I was dragged into one of their arguments. If I'm honest, I knew it was coming since nearly a year ago when his mother asked me point blank if I had visited his father and partner.
It took me off guard and I'm a terrible lier and said I did.

First off, you shouldn't be put in a position where you have have to lie.
Secondly, she had no right to ask you that question but since she did, you should have pointed out that you care about your b/f and if he wishes you to meet his father, then to make him happy, you will.

After this there were many conversations (she inisiated) where I felt she was trying to manipulate my option of his father by telling me terrible stories of their marriage and how he treated her.
I explained that I would listen

That was a mistake. You should have explained to her that you would rather not know about the personal details regarding their past relationship. It's private and not something you need to know.

My OH cut contact from them for a few months but is back like nothing happened and expects me to do the same and be the bigger person. I however, can't really forget it and am not comfortable having a relationship with them that much.

Luckily for me, my MIL lives in another country. When you have nothing in common with the inlaws, spending time with them is always a chore.
My OH knows that I have no interest in going out of my way to spend time with her. I'll do the odd time, but that's as much as I'm up for.
Your OH's mother is one toxic, bitter individual and spending any kind of time in her company would be nothing but depressing.

I really don't feel comfortable with it all and will only visit on occassions?

That's what I would do.
I'd be of the opinion that life is too short to spend in the company of people who are so bitter.
If you don't want go visit her, than don't. Your b/f doesn't need you to hold his hand every single time he goes visit her.

OS119

Partnersfamily wrote: »

Should I get over myself and go along with "ignorance is bliss" for his sake? Or am I really able to make a stand as say I really don't feel comfortable with it all and will only visit on occassions?

i'm a big fan of ignoring other peoples dramas, if the mother and sister were just gobbing off about the father or each other i'd just let it wash over - however, as in your position, now they've started on you, then i'd just tell them to get lost, i wouldn't visit, and i'd have nothing to do with them.

your husbands family, should he wish to be involved with them, are his problem - he has, imv, no 'right' to expect you to be involved with people who don't like you and start arguments with you just because he likes them.

personally i'd give hubby a big fat 'not interested: not now, not ever' and tbh his reaction - knowing how agressive/confrontational his family can be towards you - would be a good indicator of where you come on the pecking order.

i don't like my wife's family, they don't like me, (for similar reasons to your outlaws - they are consumed by bitterness and loathing for a bloke who left 20yrs ago and it's all they go on about, and i just can't be bothered with pandering to it all) and we exist very happily (well, i do anyway) by me having nothing to do with them. i don't visit them with my wife, and they don't come to my home when i'm here. while this continues i've no problem, but if i discovered that that my 'outlaws' were slagging me down either in front of my wife or in front of my kids, then i'd expect my wife to make a decision - and if she refused, then i might make one...

LegacyUser

Hi OP, tough decision to make. On the one hand, your OH family sound like hard work and not something you should really have to put up with more than once a month/once every few months even.
What I've found is that no matter how good you are to your partner, if things go belly up between you then his family will almost always come back with the 'well I never liked her/him anyway' stance!
Its difficult for your partner as they are his family, and probably won't let him 'get away' from them too easily - and if he starts avoiding/going around less, then that will end up being your fault too (according to them).

Do you think your partner will get upset if you say you really only want to have to deal with them on a very ocasional basis? Or would he just say fine, and he'd go off & visit by himself? If it doesn't bother him too much, then I would advise you to just pull back from them - as another poster said, they are toxic & will only make you listen to their drivel/bitterness, and no one needs that.

The big question here is will it effect your relationship with your partner? Or will he end up constantly sticking up for you if his mother/sister keep going on at him as to why you're not calling around anymore?

I dont envy your position. I'm in it from a slightly different position, in that my family don't seem to like my other half (I get on ok with his family, dont want too much of them but they're grand). As a result, my partner does only come to big occasions, and the rest of the time if anyone asks why he is not there then I will say he is doing x/y/z & couldn't make it. I dont really care if they believe me or not at this stage

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies!

Firstly, I think I may have painted a picture of the wicked witch of the west! So I have to be fair and say his mother does have a lot of qualities that I respect and has been good to me in the past - however that's something my OH reminds me about when we discussed the situation. I also pointed out that I was very good to her in the past also yet this still happened. I'm close to the situation so I'm trying to "see the woods from the trees" in a way to figure out am I justified in how I'm feeling.

It's just the drama, arguments, being dragged into their argument and some general dramatic statments that's made me reach the end of my thether.

Beruthiel wrote: »

First off, you shouldn't be put in a position where you have have to lie.
Secondly, she had no right to ask you that question but since she did, you should have pointed out that you care about your b/f and if he wishes you to meet his father, then to make him happy, you will.

I agree, I didn't feel right about having to lie but my OH requested I just try to stay away from certain conversations and...well yes lie if asked about certain things. I complied as it would make his life easier.

Beruthiel wrote: »

That was a mistake. You should have explained to her that you would rather not know about the personal details regarding their past relationship. It's private and not something you need to know.

Again, I agree. DOH! the beauty of hindsight I felt really akward about the whole conversation and didn't really say anything during it and to be honest, I tried to zone out as I am really fond of his father - have to take her at her word but not sure if some of it was truthful. At the time it seemed like she needed someone to listen but I should have nipped it in the bud straight away. She felt I needed to know "the whole story". This was a boundry that shouldn't have been crossed.

Beruthiel wrote: »

Luckily for me, my MIL lives in another country. When you have nothing in common with the inlaws, spending time with them is always a chore.
My OH knows that I have no interest in going out of my way to spend time with her. I'll do the odd time, but that's as much as I'm up for.
Your OH's mother is one toxic, bitter individual and spending any kind of time in her company would be nothing but depressing.

I feel guilted into spending time with them now because of my OH. When we were discussing it, he said that I'm putting him in an akward position because he's getting grief from them for not being there and if I was to visit with him he'd be able to "kill to birds with one stone", spend time with me and them. It's just a very different family dynamic than I'm used to. My family are a "see you when I see you" kind, his tend to want to be very involved in eachothers lives. I also said that he doesn't have to go visit my family and I'm fine with that. I actually prefer visiting them by myself anyway! (we visit his family approx 80% more than mine)

Beruthiel wrote: »

That's what I would do.
I'd be of the opinion that life is too short to spend in the company of people who are so bitter.
If you don't want go visit her, than don't. Your b/f doesn't need you to hold his hand every single time he goes visit her.

that'd be my ideal situation, but I just wanted to see what others opinions were towards making an effort with your partners family and at what point are you justified in saying I tried hard enough.

OS119 wrote: »

personally i'd give hubby a big fat 'not interested: not now, not ever' and tbh his reaction - knowing how agressive/confrontational his family can be towards you - would be a good indicator of where you come on the pecking order.

Hmmm.....now this is one which I have found out. After the argument I was brought into, I said that I wouldn't be involved with them anymore. I said I'd try not to make it akward but if they made it in anyway into a situation where he had to choose, I'd walk away as family is important to him. His answer "there's the door" Granted we were having an argument at the time, but those words really did stick with me. I think I know where I stand in the pecking order...

metrovelvet

partnersfamily wrote: »

Thanks for your replies!

Firstly, I think I may have painted a picture of the wicked witch of the west! So I have to be fair and say his mother does have a lot of qualities that I respect and has been good to me in the past - however that's something my OH reminds me about when we discussed the situation. I also pointed out that I was very good to her in the past also yet this still happened. I'm close to the situation so I'm trying to "see the woods from the trees" in a way to figure out am I justified in how I'm feeling.

It's just the drama, arguments, being dragged into their argument and some general dramatic statments that's made me reach the end of my thether.



I agree, I didn't feel right about having to lie but my OH requested I just try to stay away from certain conversations and...well yes lie if asked about certain things. I complied as it would make his life easier.




Again, I agree. DOH! the beauty of hindsight I felt really akward about the whole conversation and didn't really say anything during it and to be honest, I tried to zone out as I am really fond of his father - have to take her at her word but not sure if some of it was truthful. At the time it seemed like she needed someone to listen but I should have nipped it in the bud straight away. She felt I needed to know "the whole story". This was a boundry that shouldn't have been crossed.


I feel guilted into spending time with them now because of my OH. When we were discussing it, he said that I'm putting him in an akward position because he's getting grief from them for not being there and if I was to visit with him he'd be able to "kill to birds with one stone", spend time with me and them. It's just a very different family dynamic than I'm used to. My family are a "see you when I see you" kind, his tend to want to be very involved in eachothers lives. I also said that he doesn't have to go visit my family and I'm fine with that. I actually prefer visiting them by myself anyway! (we visit his family approx 80% more than mine)



that'd be my ideal situation, but I just wanted to see what others opinions were towards making an effort with your partners family and at what point are you justified in saying I tried hard enough.





Hmmm.....now this is one which I have found out. After the argument I was brought into, I said that I wouldn't be involved with them anymore. I said I'd try not to make it akward but if they made it in anyway into a situation where he had to choose, I'd walk away as family is important to him. His answer "there's the door" Granted we were having an argument at the time, but those words really did stick with me. I think I know where I stand in the pecking order...

Well, they are family so of course but it doesnt have to be an either or situation, just draw your limits with what you can handle. And he should be understanding of it. Make it look to his advantage to have someone he can talk to about it without being directly in the conflict.

It sounds like you OH is torn in a million different directions with this lifelong battle he is in the middle of. I hope both sides can somehow bury the hatchet.

Knock this on the head now before Christmas is upon us. Thats a hotbed for family conflict.

Really his mom should know family history is family history and should be kept in the family and is not for girlfriends.

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

Well, they are family so of course but it doesnt have to be an either or situation, just draw your limits with what you can handle. And he should be understanding of it. Make it look to his advantage to have someone he can talk to about it without being directly in the conflict.

It sounds like you OH is torn in a million different directions with this lifelong battle he is in the middle of. I hope both sides can somehow bury the hatchet.

Knock this on the head now before Christmas is upon us. Thats a hotbed for family conflict.

Really his mom should know family history is family history and should be kept in the family and is not for girlfriends.

I never want it to ever get to an either or situation, I supose at the time I was trying to explain why I was hurt and didn't feel I could have a relationship with them anymore. Also assure him that I'd never let it get to that situation from my side but if it did on their side, I'd try to make it as easy as possible for him.

You're right that he's torn in a million directions. He's always been the peace maker in his family and it was hard enough without having me in the mix also. They will never bury the hatchet - hold on to the past too much and sometimes have an "us against the world" attitude, you're with us or against us. I don't want to become like that so decided that I need to have another sit down with my partner to discuss this again with level heads.

There is a very strong likely hood that I'll be drawn into an argument again (I've seen a pattern with their arguments) so I think it's best if myself and my partner have clear guidelines as to when I'll visit and what I'm comfortable with as to our relationship going forward and is he ok with that.

Will have to get the balance right of seeing them enough so they can't say I'm avoiding them / taking him away from them and also keeping my own sanity!

OS119

partnersfamily wrote: »

His answer "there's the door" Granted we were having an argument at the time, but those words really did stick with me. I think I know where I stand in the pecking order...

if my wife said that, despite her knowing that i'd done nothing wrong, then i'd walk through that door.

i expect to stand just below our kids in the pecking order of my wife's loyalties. if my wife were to chose someone else for that position, then i'd have to consider whether my wife actually wanted to be married to me. if you hubby is happy to spend time with people who sit there and slag you off, or 'requires' you to attend upon his family, then i would suggest that you think very carefully whether you really want to spend the rest of your life waking up next to him - because he appears not to even consonsider you '3rd best'.

Leitrim lass

OS119 wrote: »

if my wife said that, despite her knowing that i'd done nothing wrong, then i'd walk through that door.

i expect to stand just below our kids in the pecking order of my wife's loyalties. if my wife were to chose someone else for that position, then i'd have to consider whether my wife actually wanted to be married to me. if you hubby is happy to spend time with people who sit there and slag you off, or 'requires' you to attend upon his family, then i would suggest that you think very carefully whether you really want to spend the rest of your life waking up next to him - because he appears not to even consonsider you '3rd best'.

I totally agree. It sounds like your husband has no backbone when it comes to his mother and sister. If he is allowing them to slag you off like that it shows exactly how much respect he has for you and his relationship with you.

claireeney

OS119 wrote: »

if my wife said that, despite her knowing that i'd done nothing wrong, then i'd walk through that door.

i expect to stand just below our kids in the pecking order of my wife's loyalties. if my wife were to chose someone else for that position, then i'd have to consider whether my wife actually wanted to be married to me. if you hubby is happy to spend time with people who sit there and slag you off, or 'requires' you to attend upon his family, then i would suggest that you think very carefully whether you really want to spend the rest of your life waking up next to him - because he appears not to even consonsider you '3rd best'.

Leitrim lass wrote: »

I totally agree. It sounds like your husband has no backbone when it comes to his mother and sister. If he is allowing them to slag you off like that it shows exactly how much respect he has for you and his relationship with you.

Yes, I have to agree here. It does seem that he wants you to keep your mouth shut while taking that appalling behaviour. I dont know how you kept your cool so long.

My mother in law has some great qualities as well but some of her performances like dragging me into arguments and talking about me behind my back have cause me to loose my cool and sometimes our relationship is very strained. However my OH has usually stood up for me and it makes all the difference. a few times we have fallen out over her behaviour and he has used that phrase "you know where the door is" and that cuts to the bone. my usual retort is "yes and I'll make sure to close it behind you".

so around her I act like nothing's wrong, things she says now don't effect me. i nearly feel sorry for her because her life must be so boring. your mother in law and the sister need to get a life.

cafecolour

partnersfamily wrote: »

I was to visit with him he'd be able to "kill to birds with one stone", spend time with me and them.

WTF? That's a ridiculous thing to say. Is his life that busy he has very little time to spend with you, and needs to fit you it where he can? Where are his priorities?

partnersfamily wrote: »

Hmmm.....now this is one which I have found out. After the argument I was brought into, I said that I wouldn't be involved with them anymore. I said I'd try not to make it akward but if they made it in anyway into a situation where he had to choose, I'd walk away as family is important to him. His answer "there's the door" Granted we were having an argument at the time, but those words really did stick with me. I think I know where I stand in the pecking order...

This is also a red flag. Obviously, you shouldn't be forcing him to choose, but it should be reasonable that he can visit is parents without you having to come along. Don't be so agreeable that you let him walk all over you.

Queen-Mise

Having been in a similar situation for a few years with my in-laws. It took my (now) husband a long time to see - he is supposed to back me up. He was so used to taking their sh*te, I think it was maybe unspoken that I should take it too. It came to an end, when I got a load of abuse off them, two days after my daughter was born. It really was borderline at the time whether I would have ever met his family again. I said it to my husband that they are on their last chance - if they ever treat me like that again, I will have nothing to do with them ever again. He has accepted that.
The weird thing about it - is that my husband's relationship with his entire family is better than it ever was. Not sure what to make of that.

In this situation I would be inclined to suggest: Walk the walk and talk the talk. Pass yourself, be polite etc. They are never going to be your friends, confidantes etc. You have learned from hindsight don't get involved in their issues. A hard lesson learned but learnt nonetheless ;) Support you partner etc.

The two of them are too be pitied really - to be stuck in the bitterness of the past like that.


Best of luck with the situation.