We are fighting too much!!

LegacyUser

Hi, Ill try to be short but would really appreciate some outside views on this.
I ve been with my other half for a year. We love each other immensly, I have never felt as strong as I do for her and she says the same. Both late 20's and see this as a lifetimer!

Anyways at the moment its a long distance thing, with work etc. its just the way it has to be at the moment, this is where the problems start, we only get to see eachother at the weekend, whereas this is hard its not the crux of the issue. We both like to let loose at the weekend, and enjoy a few drinks, too many alot of the time to be fair... recently we seem to be having drunken arguments alot. Just silly things that escalate out of proportion. This weekend for example, she caused a huge one friday, all apologetic saturday and then I acted the fool on saturday night and am crawling sunday.

It really is starting to worry me, there is no doubt in my mind that this is the love of my life, I am beginning to get petrified of loosing her! This may not make much sense and I don't really know what I want to hear...I know we need to tone downt the boozing, but I am just beginning to fear that its more than that, I mean we "broke up" (for a bout 2 minutes at a time) twice this weekend, this was purley drink related, but how many times can we keep doing this without it affecting the whole thing..

As i say I really don't know what I want to hear, Im still awaiting a reply to an email this morning so I have the fear now that maybe its too late already. Any thoughts, insights or advice would be really appreciated.

Thanks in advance!

St._Andalou

You may not like what I'll say in this post. I'm not going to be harsh, but I'll base what I have to say on my own experiences and the information you've given in your post.

This doesn't sound healthy. At all. A healthy relationship should have five good or happy events for every bad one.

You're both young. Six months is significant, yes, but in the grand scheme of things it's a relatively short space of time for a relationship. I've gone out with a guy for two years and it was only towards the end of those two years that I felt as though I was really getting to know him.

Look, six months into the relationship it should be about stolen kisses in public, spending weekends in bed together, doing things for the other person you thought you'd never do.

Silly things that escalate out of proportion, like you describe, are significant. I know from experience! I'm not judging you. I'd be embarrassed to admit some of the petty arguments I had with my exes. However, in hindsight I realize that they were signs things were not right in the relationship.

It sounds as though your relationship will need serious work. You have to decide if, after only six months of dating, it's worth it. A long distance relationship, heavy work schedule, etc. can be hard for the most stable of couples.

Now on a brighter note, if you do want to work at it, you have to spend some of your weekends together, just the two of you, not going out. I mean, if you don't see each other all week, it's essential.

I know how hard petty arguments can be, but you can't imagine life at all without the other person. It's a vicious cycle. What's required of you now is to do your best to look at the relationship objectively.

PopUp

They have been together a year, not six months.

I am going to take a slightly more optimistic view than St Andalou.

My husband and I have a great marriage, rarely fight or even argue, and are very happy together. However, back when we were dating, the time we had to go long distance (even though it was just for a month or two at a time) was absolute hell. We would fight and were both permanently miserable. I can state confidently that if we had to try being long distance now, it would be terrible for our marriage. We are both tactile, close people and long distance would make us incredibly unhappy.

So we take steps to make sure we are never put back in that position. It's not good for us to be apart, and 'us'/our marriage is the most important thing to us. So if you guys are both in love and in it for the long term, perhaps it's time to take steps to end the long distance. It may entail sacrifices from one or both of you to do that - but if you are really in it for the long haul, that's what it will take. There will always be competing interests - you have to put each other and your relationship above them. If the sacrifices seem too great, then I would question (and this sounds very nasty of me, it's honestly not meant to) if your commitment to each other is really long-term?

Now I know in this economic climate you can't just pack in your job. But you can both start researching and applying for jobs near each other, and in the mean time, drink WAY less when you are together. Save that money in case your new jobs don't pay as well, and why waste the precious time you have together with a massive hangover?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies!
It is a year we are together(just over actually) not 6 months or half a year as may have seemed from my first post.
We have talked about ending the long distance thing and really if either of us got a job clsoer to the other I think we would both be there in a heartbeat. Plans on this have been discussed anyway and in the new year I think we are going to begin to move on it.
I think it really just boils down to booze. We NEVER fight when not p**sed!
I think we really just need to cut down on that...
I do feel alot better about it now as opposed to this morning.
I think it was just fearing that I had ruined things....I / We have come close to now a couple of times and it really has to stop.
I can't lose her, she truly is the most important thing in the world to me and I believe it is a mutual feeling.
Thank you again for the replies.

Faith

I met a guy and for about 3 months, we lived 15 minutes away from each other. It was a typical honeymoon period. After 3 months, we both moved and we were 500 miles away from each other. We talked every single night, we texted, we chatted online, and we rarely if ever fought. We were lucky if we saw each other every 3 weeks. After being in the relationship for a year, I moved home, and we were now an hour and a half from each other. That's when the fights started. We had a few really big ones, with lots of smaller ones. We spent every weekend together and its just wore me down. We broke up at easter. I loved him more than anything in the world and the break up nearly killed me, but there was no way our relationship could survive at it was. Something had to give.

Living in different countries, we both made a huge effort. Living in different counties, we stopped making as much of an effort. We saw each other often enough to take each other for granted, but not often enough to be satisfied. We couldn't have spontaneous dates, or spend nights together during the week. I knew he was so close, but I couldn't get to him. If these fights have only started since the distance began, I'd say you're pretty similar to my relationship. If you want to really make things work, it'll take an awful lot of effort. It might not be ideal, but if either of you could possibly move to the other, that's your best shot IMO. Don't leave it until the new year if you're serious about it; get on it now. Don't blame the alcohol either, that just probably makes you more likely to spill what's on your mind.

St._Andalou

Apologies. I don't know how I misread your post and thought you'd been going out for six months.

I didn't mean to be harsh. It's just that I was in a similar position and it's advice I would have wanted.

I guess it's up to you to look at the relationship objectively and decide the best course of action.

LegacyUser

Acting_stupid wrote: »

Hi, Ill try to be short but would really appreciate some outside views on this.
I ve been with my other half for a year. We love each other immensly, I have never felt as strong as I do for her and she says the same. Both late 20's and see this as a lifetimer!

Anyways at the moment its a long distance thing, with work etc. its just the way it has to be at the moment, this is where the problems start, we only get to see eachother at the weekend, whereas this is hard its not the crux of the issue. We both like to let loose at the weekend, and enjoy a few drinks, too many alot of the time to be fair... recently we seem to be having drunken arguments alot. Just silly things that escalate out of proportion. This weekend for example, she caused a huge one friday, all apologetic saturday and then I acted the fool on saturday night and am crawling sunday.

It really is starting to worry me, there is no doubt in my mind that this is the love of my life, I am beginning to get petrified of loosing her! This may not make much sense and I don't really know what I want to hear...I know we need to tone downt the boozing, but I am just beginning to fear that its more than that, I mean we "broke up" (for a bout 2 minutes at a time) twice this weekend, this was purley drink related, but how many times can we keep doing this without it affecting the whole thing..

As i say I really don't know what I want to hear, Im still awaiting a reply to an email this morning so I have the fear now that maybe its too late already. Any thoughts, insights or advice would be really appreciated.

Thanks in advance!

Your whole post sounds like i could have wrote it 4 years ago!! same long distance same drink fuelled arguments...my boyfriend stopped drinking altogether, i didn't feel i needed to stop altogether just not as much (although his reasons for quitting weren't just because of our relationship). our fights were so stupid when drunk and sometimes not remembered by 1 or other of us the next day so we decided that HAD to stop if we wanted to be together...the long distance wasn't as hard after this, still not very nice but for a while it felt like we were back in the "honeymoon period". it takes time and effort and communication for these things to work...and about awaiting a reply to an email from your girlfriend...would u not just call her?? much quicker, and ul know by the tone of her voice what kind of mood she is in...my boyfriend knows straight away when he hears my voice if he's in the bad books haha! if she is the one then keep working at it but imo go easy on the drinking at the weekends seeing as it is the only time yous get to spend with each other...set one night of weekend aside for doing something together...meal/cinema etc... hope that helped! by the way im still with the same guy, it has been 5 years now!