ah not again - same thing continuously

LegacyUser

I broke up with my bf of a year, three months ago, was really tough break-up but was also the right decision to make. So ever since I've been getting my own life back on track going out with friends and enjoying myself. I was out over the weekend and was chatting to loads of really nice guys. One guy in particular he approached me did all the chatting up etc was really nice guy had good fun with him. We left the nightclub together, went for food and got taxi home (to our own respective homes) together but that was that, even getting out of the taxi he never asked for my number although he asked me earlier in the night if I had a bf. Then I found out he has a gf - what a waste of time I spent talking to him and thinking he's nice guy and also the fact he even suggested getting taxi together etc only to find out he's taken ah!!!!!

discus

Jaysus, he sounds like a real gent. It's just a pity that someone beat you to him!!

LegacyUser

he never asked for my number although he asked me earlier in the night if I had a bf.

yeah you see i think here's where it all went wrong, this was his subtle way of trying to let you know, usually when guys say this its so that you will respond: "no, do you have a gf?" (i mean why else would he ask?)

It just sounds better than saying "i have gf" which makes the guy sound a bit arrogant ...

what a waste of time I spent talking to him and thinking he's nice guy

Thats really really not the best attitude to have tbh! The two of ye had a laugh so why was it a waste of time? you can't really view every man that you "think is a nice guy" as a potential "boyfriend", its a bit desperate tbh, especially in a nightclub...
(Hope that doesn't sound too harsh)

seenitall

discus wrote: »

Jaysus, he sounds like a real gent.

Interesting... to me he sounds like a "gent" on a bit of an ego-boosting trip... if the genders were reversed, I am sure that many very similar assesments would have flooded in by now. Way of the world, eh?

OP, I understand how you were left feeling. It's tough out there. All you can do is rinse and repeat. And try and not get too jaded about the whole thing.

Best of luck for the future!

seenitall

qbnmsd wrote: »

usually when guys say this its so that you will respond: "no, do you have a gf?"

Oh silly me, I thought that usually when guys ask if I have a boyfriend it's because they were interested in me? No?

Well, I will try and remember then that whenever a guy asks me if I have a boyfriend, that means he has a girlfriend. Thanks for that, qbnmsd, I am sure it will come in useful!

LegacyUser

Interesting... to me he sounds like a "gent" on a bit of an ego-boosting trip

I don't get this? surely 2 people are allowed to have a laugh together without it automatically meaning they are interested in each other? especially in a nightclub situation where most people are just out for the laugh/chat a bit of fun...So the OP got the wrong impression that's hardly his fault!

People say chivalry's dead, but when a guy makes sure a girl gets home safely its seen as leading her on or something?? A lesser man would have kissed her taken her number and then never rang her, damned if you do, damned if you don't!

LegacyUser

Oh silly me, I thought that usually when guys ask if I have a boyfriend it's because they were interested in me? No?

Yes fair enough sometimes they ask because they're interested point taken, but surely the natural logical response would be to ask the question back? Personally i'm not that presumptuous that i would automatically think "ding ding i'm in there" but different strokes...

seenitall

mrs apple wrote: »

I don't get this? surely 2 people are allowed to have a laugh together without it automatically meaning they are interested in each other? especially in a nightclub situation where most people are just out for the laugh/chat a bit of fun...So the OP got the wrong impression that's hardly his fault!

People say chivalry's dead, but when a guy makes sure a girl gets home safely its seen as leading her on or something?? A lesser man would have kissed her taken her number and then never rang her, damned if you do, damned if you don't!

As I have seen repeated often enough in similar threads on "pirck-teases" and what not, single guys chatting up girls in night-clubs do expect attached girls to work their boyfriend into the conversation fairly early on, especially in nightclub, "end of the evening" scenarios. Just poll some of them if you don't believe me. Why would it be any different for guys? Girls also have feelings and hopes of meeting someone compatible, or even just single(!) on an evening out, and so, while it may not be a tragedy that the evening went the way it did, once it has happened a few times, it gets discouraging and demoralising, and I can understand that well from the point of view of both genders.

claireeney

in fairness he probably was interested. but he does sound like a gent and both things combined; he liked talking to you and made sure you got home safe without doing the dirt. him having a GF is frustrating, however is it not a little bit ego boosting that he spent the time with you?

LegacyUser

As I have seen repeated often enough in similar threads on "pirck-teases" and what not, single guys chatting up girls in night-clubs do expect attached girls to work their boyfriend into the conversation fairly early on, especially in nightclub, "end of the evening" scenarios. Just poll some of them if you don't believe me.

I couldn't care less what a man/society "expects" me to do, if a guy thought me a "prick tease" for having a friendly conversation in a club and not mentioning my bf well that's his problem tbh, and in my opinion shows him as not a particularly nice guy, just because someones in a relationship, it doesn't just suddenly mean they can't ever have a conversation with the opposite sex ever again! Maybe i should wear an "i'm in a relationship" badge the next time i go out, just in case the barman i'm being nice to, or the guy who let me skip the queue gets the wrong impression hmmm....

Its like saying: if i was single and a guy started chatting me up who i didn't fancy, i'm supposed to drop into the conversation "oh by the way i don't find you attractive"

Or if a lesbian starts started chatting me up i'm supposed to drop into the conversation "oh by the way i'm straight"

A person is not defined by their relationship status.

once it has happened a few times, it gets discouraging and demoralising

ah here this is a bit melodramatic!
If you like someone surely its easier to say "so do you have a bf/gf?" rather than being so presumptuous and blaming them for leading you on, especially if this has happened a few times before?

Anyway arguing over social etiquette doesn't really help the OP....

OP, i guess just learn from this, if the next time you're out & you get chatting to a nice guy, maybe ask him early on in the night if hes single, (if you don't ask, you won't know as they say) this way you won't "waste your time" talking to a nice "taken" guy ....

seenitall

I couldn't disagree more with everything you say.

I think that if you behave as you have described, you just risk being seen as a tease, so I wouldn't behave in the manner you would in those situations; if I had a boyfriend I would certainly let the guy know that early on in our friendly conversation, in any case before we left the club together to go and get end-of-night food. The same goes for not finding him attractive, of course!

Also, there are many different ways of saying "I have a bf" or "I don't find you attractive" or "I'm straight" without actually putting it that directly. It is a matter of basic respect for me; I wouldn't like to be misunderstood in my intentions any more than I would like to be seen as a tease or be misled in my end-of-evening expectations myself.

A person is not defined by their relationship status, but add the social and mating-ritual component of a night-club into the mix and that perception will change somewhat for most single people looking for someone, and I don't blame them either. It's the way it is in clubs these days.

OP, I guess you just learn from this, if the next time you're out and get chatting to a nice guy and he asks if you have a boyfriend, ends his evening with you and then tells you that he has a girlfriend, chalk it up to an ego-boosting trip and be happy that you've dodged him!

AnonoBoy

Maybe he was just being friendly.

He didn't tell her he liked her, didn't make a move on her and didn't look for her number.

Could you have been hopefully reading too much into his conversation OP?

seenitall

AnonoBoy wrote: »

Maybe he was just being friendly.

I don't buy this either. If he was just being friendly and all-unavailable-like, how come he felt the need to ask about her relationship status and end the evening tete-a-tete with her single self? Sounds somewhat like flirting to me?

And in that case, there is another explanation for his behaviour, aside from being friendly - I have already posted about it.

LegacyUser

I couldn't disagree more with everything you say.

I think that if you behave as you have described, you just risk being seen as a tease, so I wouldn't behave in the manner you would in those situations; if I had a boyfriend I would certainly let the guy know that early on in our friendly conversation, in any case before we left the club together to go and get end-of-night food. The same goes for not finding him attractive, of course!

lol we'll have to agree to disagree i'm afraid, yes I absolutely do understand what your saying, i have many attached friends who like yourself are terrified of being seen as a tease and so they'll always throw in the "oh my boyfriend likes that film too" line, If i'm having a friendly conversation with someone it just seems irrelevant to mention the bf. Personally i've always found that terribly degrading (but i'm also the type of girl who loathes the term "other half"), obviously if a guy is being overly flirtatious touchy feely its a different story...But it really didn't seem like this guy was being flirty, i don't think going for food with someone really counts as being flirty, friendly yes, but not necessarily flirty...

A person is not defined by their relationship status, but add the social and mating-ritual component of a night-club into the mix and that perception will change somewhat for most single people looking for someone, and I don't blame them either. It's the way it is in clubs these days.

Ultimately i think this is where there are two types of people:
Even when i was single, when i was in a club and i was having a laugh and a bit of banter with a guy, i never looked at him as a "potential boyfriend", i viewed him as a "person" who i was having a bit of banter and a laugh with. Now i know a lot of single women go to clubs on the prowl with the sole purpose of scoring, the point i was trying to make maybe badly was that not everyone is like this there are people out there who just don't think like that, who are just friendly and like meeting new people both single and attached! Again there's really nothing to suggest this guy was being overly flirtatious! i just think its unfair to peg this guy as "looking for an ego boost" or that OP "should be happy she dodged him" when he really didn't do anything wrong! Its slightly insulting that if the OP had just said

One guy in particular he approached me did all the chatting up etc was really nice guy had good fun with him. We left the nightclub together, went for food and got taxi home (to our own respective homes) together but that was that, even getting out of the taxi he never asked for my number

the majority of the advice would be oh he just wasn't interested OP
Its amazing how she finds out the guy has a gf and suddenly he changes to the "bad guy" "tease" "on a bit of an ego-boosting trip"

I just think the OP was reading too much into the situation.

If he was just being friendly and all-unavailable-like how come he felt the need to ask about her relationship status

You could equally say if the OP was being all flirty and available-like how come she felt the need not to ask about his relationship status?

I just don't understand why this guy is being made into a bad guy? for not being single?

So ever since I've been getting my own life back on track going out with friends and enjoying myself. I was out over the weekend and was chatting to loads of really nice guys

OP don't be so quick to dismiss someone friendly just because they're single as a waste of time, the best way to find a guy is to just be friendly to men in general (without expectations), meet new people, for all you know this guys single best friend could have been your "perfect man"

seenitall

Fine, we'll agree to disagree etc.

I already said what I think the guy was "guilty" of (for lack of a better term), and it certainly isn't for "not being single".

Just for the record, the OP never labelled the guy bad, tease, or on an ego-boosting trip; whichever of these were displayed on here, they were/are my estimations, not hers - she was simply disappointed. I am sure she is much less cynical and jaded about the whole male-female dynamic than I am, and I'm sure she will strike lucky one of these days/nights.