I've 'let myself go'...

LegacyUser

As the title says, I've seriously let myself go, over the past ten years.

I'm in my late 30s and female and ten years ago, I got pregnant and my then partner left me. I've raised my child alone. Before I got pregnant, I was quite attractive, slim and had many, many friends. I was out three nights a week - didn't always drink - but knew how to have a good time etc. Obviously, that all changed when my daughter came along.

It took me a while to adjust to being a mum - particularly on my own, and it wasn't helped by having post natal depression for the first year of her life. But having not had a great relationship with my own mum, I dedicated my life to raising her the best way I could. I now I have the most wonderful 10yr old daughter - we have a great relationship and I'm very proud of the job I've done raising her alone (no grannies/aunts involved either etc)

So ten years later, and she's now pretty independent of me - goes to her pals houses regularly, plays outside most afternoons etc etc. I find I have alot of time on my hands - but can't really go anywhere, as I would still need babysitters etc.

And I've let myself go, bigtime. While dedicating my life to her, I've lost myself somewhere along the way, and I can't seem to find myself again. I still have friends who are mums, none of whom are in the state I'm in. I've put on weight, my hair is lank, I wear tracksuits most days (for comfort, as none of my clothes fit me lately), I can't remember the last time I wore make up (I used to not go outside the door without my make up), the list is endless.

I know there are many other parents who this happens to, but I look around at my friends who are also mams, all of them still dress well, look well, and throw a bit of lippy on, even when just popping to the shops. I, on the other hand, don't really see the point.

And yet, I would love to meet someone - I've had a few boyfriends over the years - but none of them were really for me (from the start), even though the relationships lasted a good while in each instance.

so I guess my question is how do I get myself out of this rut?? Last weekend, I went out with some friends, and I was just dying to get home to the comfort of my own home - I felt fat and frumpy and very unattractive and made my excuses and left early because almost everything they spoke about (their boyfriends, clothes, make up) was making me feel worse about myself. By 11pm, I was at home, in my tracksuit (I was dying to get the 'dressed up' clothes off me!) and was back in my comfort zone.

So how do I get myself 'back'? Where do I get the motivation or the energy from? I feel like that 28yr old is still inside me somewhere, but that I have turned into the complete opposite of her...I must add that I work full time, have bought my own home a few years ago, have my own car etc - so money is tight, and recommending massages or holistic stuff isn't do-able - no more than 'joining clubs' etc - all of which cost me the price of a babysitter to move outside my door.

Im sorry if this is very long and I hope i've expressed myself well here - thanks for reading and I'd really love some advice from anyone who's been through this and hopefully, come out the other side. Thanks.

nimrodsson

I think its really a case of literally one step at a time - very obvious i know, but you are looking at Everest, while, as you know, climbing Everest is just a series of steps. Just think of step one. For example, you mention your hair, why don't you start doing that - and get it back to the way you want it - with whatever has to be done - conditioners, shampoos etc etc. Then, you'll see one identifiable change. Then go on to two more things and so on. Each step will give you the confidence to attempt bigger steps with renewed confidence. Set yourself obtainable goals, and one step at time, you'll see the difference. It'll take a while and sure won't be easy, and i'm sure you'll forget/not want to do things some days, but its all doable, you just have to begin!

kjl

Hi OP,

No matter how overweight you are, You always have the option to lose weight.

Start by radically altering your diet to remove sugar, refined carbohydrates and saturated fat. No alcohol either I'm afraid.

Next go to your local gym and ask them to put you on a simple weight training plan. You will never lose weight unless you have a bit of muscle. Don't worry about turning into a body builder or anything, it takes years of dedication to get to that stage.

Then everyday you need to do about 45 min of exercise. Start with walking with pace, move onto running. Try high intensity interval work outs, find a stretch of grass of 50M long, run the 50M and walk back, do this 20 times.

Weight yourself today, and work out exactly how much you are overweight, then weight yourself every week and track your progress.

It's hard at first, but after 3 weeks it becomes routeing, and If you follow this course it will take you 6 months to make a radically change in your appearance.

Nothing is beyond the realms of possibility, you just need the motivation

kjl

Oh and drink loads of water.

mood

Why not go for a walk or cycle when you daughter goes to her friends house. Exercise realises feel good hormones, you will get fresh air, tone up/loose weight and start to feel better. And it's free (apart from buying runners or a bike if you don't already have one).

By a pair of loose fitting trousers to wear instead of the tracksuit bottoms. Same comfort but with some style. Check out the link below for an outfit that would be comfortable but would look well. You might feel braver to try other clothes in time.
http://www.asos.com/Mango/Mango-Tweed-Trousers/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=1278840&cid=2640&sh=0&pge=0&pgesize=20&sort=-1&clr=Blue

Buy some new make-up. Maybe just a lip gloss or lip stick to ease you back into it.

Are you sure you are not suffering from depression? See your GP if you are.

Oryx

Join weightwatchers or similar. Cheap enough to join and only takes a few mins if you just weigh in. But if you stay for the meetings, youll meet others in the same boat.

Phone your local hairdressers and see if they have student training nights which are cheaper to get your hair done. Or find a mobile hairdresser who will call to your home, is cheaper than a salon and will chat the head off you as well.

Go to Penneys with a few spare bob and buy something new to wear. You are not allowed to buy anything fleece or 'comfy' . Even something as simple as a new top can boost your self image.

Use your friends as part of this reinvention of you. Instead of feeling inadequate in their company, learn from what they say. Dont allow yourself to quit and run home, remind yourself of your good points, think confidently, fake it till you make it. Its bloody hard at first but the only way out of this rut is to challenge yourself. Do stuff that is hard.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice guys.

So do you all believe that some exercise and buying lose fitting clothes is the biggest factor?

Someone mentioned depression - I don't think I'm suffering with depression. I genuinely feel I've just dedicated my life to herself - ensuring she's healthy and happy - ensuring she eats her fruit and veg every day, all the while, eating crap myself.

I have created such bad habits for myself - I cook fab dinners for her - and yet I look at the time she's eating her dinner (full of colourful veg) as a time when I can get ten minutes of housework/washing/ironing done, all the while, grabbing a quick sandwich for myself. I never feel like I have any time for myself. How easy would it be for me to sit with her, and eat the same stuff myself - but I seem to spend my life ensuring she's well cared for, while I run around doing the stuff that makes our lives good (a nice home around us etc etc).

I think I've created such bad habits for myself, that its very difficult for me to break them.

For example, on a work morning, I get up an hour earlier than her and grab a couple of slices of toast while I get her uniform ready, have a shower, get myself ready for work - while I prepare her breakfast of porridge. Now I love porridge myself, but I see that ten minutes where she's sitting down eating the porridge, as ten minutes of me ensuring her school bag is right, sorting her lunch etc etc. Is it just down to really bad planning and a desperate routine, on my part? One I had to do when she was much younger...but one I haven't really changed as she's gotten older....???

Nevyn

Bad planning and bad routine and bad habits.
You need to look after her AND yourself.
You need to love yourself enough to eat right and to look after yourself.
It's a rut been there myself and it's only in the last 3 years or so that I am loosing weight and getting better routines and having more time for me. She is old enough to have a few chores around the house and help out, it teaches her responsiblity as well. Even if it's just tidying her room and emptying the dishwasher every day.

Check out Fly Lady if you have a chance, it has a step by step pattern to break old habits, make good routines and to stick to them.

http://www.flylady.net/pages/begin_babysteps.asp

Lay out her uniforum the night before or make sure that she hangs it up or put it on her raditor she can find it in the morning, make meal times a time for you both to sit together and talk about your day, do the lunch and school bag the night before.

Just got to make some adjustments, and love yourself enough to take the time to eat right and to make even 20 mins a day for yourself to excerise.

Oryx

Stop trying to be supermum. She wont remember her lunch being perfect and her creases straight everyday, but she will remember sitting and having breakfast with you. Youre doing a good job, but give yourself a break. Make yourself stop trying so hard. Its time to give her some responsibility anyway.

mood

unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for the advice guys.

So do you all believe that some exercise and buying lose fitting clothes is the biggest factor?

Someone mentioned depression - I don't think I'm suffering with depression. I genuinely feel I've just dedicated my life to herself - ensuring she's healthy and happy - ensuring she eats her fruit and veg every day, all the while, eating crap myself.

I have created such bad habits for myself - I cook fab dinners for her - and yet I look at the time she's eating her dinner (full of colourful veg) as a time when I can get ten minutes of housework/washing/ironing done, all the while, grabbing a quick sandwich for myself. I never feel like I have any time for myself. How easy would it be for me to sit with her, and eat the same stuff myself - but I seem to spend my life ensuring she's well cared for, while I run around doing the stuff that makes our lives good (a nice home around us etc etc).

I think I've created such bad habits for myself, that its very difficult for me to break them.

For example, on a work morning, I get up an hour earlier than her and grab a couple of slices of toast while I get her uniform ready, have a shower, get myself ready for work - while I prepare her breakfast of porridge. Now I love porridge myself, but I see that ten minutes where she's sitting down eating the porridge, as ten minutes of me ensuring her school bag is right, sorting her lunch etc etc. Is it just down to really bad planning and a desperate routine, on my part? One I had to do when she was much younger...but one I haven't really changed as she's gotten older....???

Eat the same as your daughter (saves cooking twice!), get her bag ready the night before or even get her to do it, she is old enough at 10. Start a proper routine to free up you time or at least manage it better.

Exercise will help. I didn't mean to hide in loose clothes but to choose one that flatter AND are comfortable so you won't feel the need to wear tracksuits etc. Legging would be a good option with a long top.

LegacyUser

mood wrote: »

Eat the same as your daughter (saves cooking twice!), get her bag ready the night before or even get her to do it, she is old enough at 10. Start a proper routine to free up you time or at least manage it better.

Exercise will help. I didn't mean to hide in loose clothes but to choose one that flatter AND are comfortable so you won't feel the need to wear tracksuits etc. Legging would be a good option with a long top.

You haven't seen my legs!!!!!

She is quite good with helping round the house - she's a really good child, even though she is mine lol!

That's a good point that you mention Oryx - she wont remember her uniform being ironed properly. I often feel really guilty that she eats her breakfast alone, while I run around like a mad woman...but that only spirals me into feeling guilty all day until I get home from work and promise we'll eat tea together, but then never do!

So it's really just bad habits???

Oryx

Not bad habits, just habits. Like I said, youre a great mum, but maybe prioritise different things. Yourself being the main thing. Realise whats really important and make sure to make time to do the things that make you grin.

My house is clean but not the tidiest, and in ten years time noone will care if my kitchen floor was washed today, so does it really matter if I dance with the kids instead of getting out the mop??

LegacyUser

I am FAR from a clean freak oryx lol! Very far...

When I say housework, I just mean general tidyness - I only do a big clean on saturdays, mid week I rarely touch the place!

I know that looking after myself should be my priorty - do other mums spend ten years focussing solely on their kids as I've done - and let themselves slip - as I've done???

I often look at middle aged women in tracksuits in the supermarket and feel I'm one of them - some of them might be twenty years older than me, but I dress the same and feel I fit into that group of women who don't really give a toss how I look in tesco.

Which was never the type of woman I thought I'd be!

LegacyUser

Hi, as the name implies I think it might be helpful to build some sort of support network for yourself.
You mention she often goes to play at friend's houses, are you pals with their parents?
If you talk to your friends who also have kids, possibly of a similar age to you're daughter, and explain the things that are concerning you-you might discover that they too understand where you're coming from, and may have gone through the same thing themselves at some point.
You could all offer each other tips on various things, and just generally be of good support to each other.
You could take it turns to have occasional sleepovers with a few of the children, that way nobody would have to pay for a babysitter, and all of ye would get some time to go out and try new social activities, or even just get some rest and relaxation.

You shouldn't have to do absolutely everything on your own, there is no shame in getting any little type of support/help you can get, and you can always return the favour.

You mention that you're still sticking to the same routine from when she was younger, and haven't changed it as she got older.
As others have mentioned, there are definitely a few little things that she may now be able to do for herself, which would save you some time.
Sit down some evening and think about how you could make a new routine for yourself and your daughter. Write or draw it out if it helps.
Be sure to include some time for yourself in the new routine. It might be something as small as getting up 15 mins earlier, to give you time to get yourself dressed/makeup etc. for the day.
A few little time saving techniques could make a lot of difference. Such as getting your clothes ready the night before. Preparing some elements of the dinner the night before[like chopping the veg/marinading meat], so that you literally just have to throw it on to cook, or making meals that can last more than one day such as cottage pie.

You seem to be doing an amazing job so far, so have absolutely nothing to feel bad about.
You just need to make more time for yourself, and shouldn't feel any guilt about this.

Good Luck. :-)

LegacyUser

Thanks for that.

Ur right - I do need support.

I do have friends - some really good ones - but all have partners and I often feel left out of that side of things - and feel like I'm forever burdening them with my problems. They seem to have their hubbies/partners to moan to...I seem to have them - they woudln't really confide in me, so I wouldn't feel ok confiding in them about this issue in particular.

When I say they don't confide in me - we're good friends and are 'there' for each other when anything happens. But it's usually stuff in relation to the kids - that we all have in common.

I do have support around me now - mainly friends,, some family (but they're generally useless), but it's all supporting me in the babysitting dept, or stuffing surrounding my daughter.

I have no emotional support. No one I can really talk to about how crap I feel about myself at the moment..no one I can bounce stuff off when I come home from work in the evenings - so it all tends to build up into something it's not.

Im rambling now sorry. But please be mindful that when you see 'those' women who you feel have let themselves 'go', they usually feel worse about themselves that you'll ever know.

Sleepy

In my old gym there was a lady my mother's age (mid 50's) getting herself back in shape after raising her 3 kids. Saw her regularly in there over the 6 months I was going regularly and could see the weight falling off her, she was in impressive shape for a 30 something by the time I left the gym! One point if you're thinking of getting more exercise: doing it half-heartedly will just depress you. You won't develop the same love of the workout that you will if you go for it and you won't get the results you're looking for. Whether you work out in the most expensive gym, the local park or your sitting room if you're not sweating and breathing hard by the end of it, it's a waste of time.

LegacyUser

Hi there

I've no advice as such, but from reading your comments on here etc I just wanted to say well done on raising your child so well, your obviously a fantastic mother and I just know that you are going to get yourself back on track, it might take you a little while but it will happen.

You too strong a person for it not to, even been through far worst things than this, and your kicked all their asses.

Go for it.

x