Depressed friend

mood

A very close friend is depressed for a long time now. I do all I can to help/support her but don't live near her so don't see her that often. To be honest I'm finding it difficult to deal with as I am her only real support and its' going on so long.

I hear an ad on the radio for a helpline for people in my position. i can't remember what the organisation is. Does anyone know? I think they are connected to Grow or Aware.

Leelaa22

I was in the same position as your friend a few years ago. I was very depressed and dependening on someone else. They found it difficult to deal with aswell. Then when I was at my worst, they left. But it was the best thing that could happen. I felt I had no other options but to get help. And I havent looked back since. And Im sorry I dont know what the ad is your on about, I think Samaratins have help lines for that.

mood

Leelaa22 wrote: »

I was in the same position as your friend a few years ago. I was very depressed and dependening on someone else. They found it difficult to deal with aswell. Then when I was at my worst, they left. But it was the best thing that could happen. I felt I had no other options but to get help. And I havent looked back since. And Im sorry I dont know what the ad is your on about, I think Samaratins have help lines for that.

The thing is I don't know if what I say is any help or making thing worse. She has been to doctors, to counsellers, been on meds etc but won't keep stick with any of them long. It's going on for years now. I really don't know what to do.

Leelaa22

I know its no help to say this, but there is nothing you can do. Your friend has to want to help her self and do it alone (with a support system). It would be different if you said she was sticking to the meds and the councling, but if she isn't she doesnt want to or isnt ready to be well. It sounds mad but when your depressed, for a long time your happy to be miserable, something has to happen to make you want to get better. In my case I needed my rock to leave, I needed that change that jolt to my routine to think, wow if he cant even stand me anymore I must need help.

mood

Leelaa22 wrote: »

I know its no help to say this, but there is nothing you can do. Your friend has to want to help her self and do it alone (with a support system). It would be different if you said she was sticking to the meds and the councling, but if she isn't she doesnt want to or isnt ready to be well. It sounds mad but when your depressed, for a long time your happy to be miserable, something has to happen to make you want to get better. In my case I needed my rock to leave, I needed that change that jolt to my routine to think, wow if he cant even stand me anymore I must need help.

But I'm her only real support and the pressure of that is very nearly too much. But I can't walk away. What if I did and she did something stupid!

Leelaa22

I know what you are saying but you can't put that amount of pressure on yourself. without sounding too harsh you cant let her pull you down too. You can be there for her but there is the line when her problems become your problems, and thats not right. You'll end up as down as she is.
Does she have family?
If she did do something rash or stupid that would be down to her choice not your actions, but I know that god forbid something happened you wouldnt see it that way.
The way I see it is, you can either be pulled down too or walk away.
You are her support but she isnt getting any better, you have tried all you can but no joy.
If I were in your position I'd giver her al the resources I could in terms of doctors numbers, councliers, support groups, let her help herself and walk away.
Because you dont want to end up depressed you'd be no use to either of yous, and you might end up resenting your friend.
That might seem harsh and people might say I can be a bit of a harsh bitch at times, but I do call it tough love, and my metal state is in tip top form from keeping peoples problems at arms length from myself, but letting them in closer.
Im not sure if that was any help or made sense.

Chuchoter

You are her friend not her carer. If she is making you unhappy with all the pressure she is putting on you then she is not your friend. If she wants to get better she'll have to do it by herself, you saying to her listen I can't deal with all this pressure might be the best thing for her.

My friend is in your position with another person (lets call this person Paula). Paula was depressed because she had all these things going on at home (though I would more put it down to her own poor sleep schedule and diet, which she could have changed if she'd wanted to) but she is always in some kind of crisis and never comes to school basically left it to my friend to keep her on the straight and narrow. Paula, though I know she had her own problems, was totally and utterly ungrateful towards this friend. Then the two stopped talking and you know what? Nothing changed. She just found someone new to leech off. I'm not saying your friend is this kind of person, but you can't let her drag you down with worrying.

mood

Family problems and I strongly think abuse in the past so she can't could on them. It's only ever few months that I think 'I really can't listen to this any more' then she seems better for a while then it's back to square one.

What is bad now is she is talking about leaving her job and getting something with less stress. She doesn't realise she may not get a job and if she can't manage on 30k+ (doctors bills etc) now who will she manage on minimum wage or the dole!!!

Leelaa22

Honestly thats not your problem. you need to have a blunt talk and tell her she needs to sort herself out, you've done all you can. Its up to her now.
Seriously you shouldnt have to live like that. Life is meant to be fun and worth living. Think of yourself, you come first in your life.

mood

Has anyone any other advice or experiences to share?

Chuchoter

All the experiences are going to tell you to look after yourself. Either she will fix herself or she will be like this forever and you'll always be the one all the responsibility falls on. All you have to do is make a choice: you or her. Its not a nice choice, but you have to pick one. Not doing anything and continuing as you are is still making a decision, you're choosing her over yourself, and are you sure she'd do the same thing if the tables were turned?

mood

crayolastereo wrote: »

All the experiences are going to tell you to look after yourself. Either she will fix herself or she will be like this forever and you'll always be the one all the responsibility falls on. All you have to do is make a choice: you or her. Its not a nice choice, but you have to pick one. Not doing anything and continuing as you are is still making a decision, you're choosing her over yourself, and are you sure she'd do the same thing if the tables were turned?

I'm not doing nothing. I tried to get her to go back to her GP, go to a free counselling service etc. I've just rang Aware and they gave me some more info but not a lot. I'm going to sent her more stuff regarding support groups and free counselling etc so at least then I will be 100% sure I've done all I can.

I do get on with me own life but this has been a particularly worrying week.