My estranged niece...?

Fittle

Brief background - my brother and I were great pals in our late teens and 20's - drank and socialised together. I knew alot of his girlfriends back then and am still pally with one of them many moons later. Sometimes, I'd have a boyfriend, and we would 'double-date' - we really had great times:).

So 19yrs ago, his (then) girlfriend got pregnant - it was a shock (they were both early 20's, as was I) but they seemed to handle it well. They split during the pregnancy but got back together soon after the baby was born, which lasted all of 6 months. I had been pals with this girl during the pregnancy and for the first few months of my neices life - I'm her godmother in fact:)

They had a pretty bad split in the end, with her moving back home to her parents and him losing contact with her. He said she wouldn't let him see the child, but never really discussed it with me any further. It was made pretty clear to me, and the rest of my family, not to get involved - he went 'on the drink' for a while but I doubt he tried (very hard) to see the child if I'm honest. Anyway, he married someone else about 2yrs later, and this child was never discussed again.:(

So there I am on facebook the other evening, and who do I get to randomly add as a friend - the girlfriend:eek::eek:. I recognised her straight away. I've had a look at her friends, and there's my niece (who's the spit of my brother:() also.

So I don't know what to do. I don't know if my brother has ever told his wife (and their 4 kids) about this girl. I don't know if the mother has remarried, if my niece knows my brother is her dad etc etc. I am so tempted to send the mother a message on fb (I wouldn't contact my niece directly, without checking with her mum first) - just asking how she's doing etc. And yet, I don't want to interfere either. My relationship with my brother has changed as we've gotten older - (I'm not the biggest fan of his wife:rolleyes:), and I don't really want to bring this up with him either.

Should I just leave well enough alone, or message her?

tbh

send her a message, make it clear that if she doesn't want to reply she doesn't have to, don't force the issue.

I totally get where you're coming from, but you meeting up with her brings your brother back into her picture, and maybe she doesn't want that (especially if it's you doing the running, not him) -you'd have to respect that.

Storm_rages

I think if the mother added you as a friend then she wants contact. At the end of the day he made the child (nothing can change that). I would send the mother a message and see what happens..

Penn

The mother didnt add her as a friend, the mother just showed up in the Suggestions bit because they might have friends in common.

To be honest, I'd leave it alone. Establishing a link between the mother, your niece and your brother might not be what they want, and while the girl is your niece, if your brother doesn't want contact, then it's his choice. If you really wanted, you could talk to your brother first, but id say it's really up to him. He's your brother, and you've never met your niece. Your first priority in this must be your brother

alibaba12

speaking from experience as someone whos brother has a child with an ex and had a bad breakup I'd contact her but also let your brother know you are doing this. If you get on as a good as you say your brother should be understanding of this. I fortunately have my niece in my life and have to say she is the best (I am also her god mother). My brother hasnt lost contact with his daughter mainly because my folks wouldnt let him or themselves lose contact and he is very grateful for that now as she is a real little daddys girl.You will have to face the fact that maybe the mother doesnt want you in the your nieces life as you havent been up to now but then again maybe she does. Maybe your niece and your brother will benefit from it. After all your niece probably will come knocking on the door one day out of curiosity as to who her father is. Anyway hope all goes well with what you decide to do.

Fittle

Yeah, she didn't add me as a friend - it was one of those random suggestions on fb - she hasn't changed a bit though and still has her own name, so I'm guessing she's not married, but i could be wrong there too.

Oh I dunno what to do - part of me looked on it as a 'sign' - we don't have random friends and aren't even in the same county so it's anyones guess why fb suggested her to me....

I don't have a very good relationship with my brother these days unfortunately - none of my family do - how shall I put this, his wife is hard work;)

This girl is my god daughter, and I have thought of her for almost 18yrs now....she's beautiful and it kills me that I missed out on her growing up. But like I said, I don't know her current situation.

Surely my name would be on her baptismal cert - perhaps she's asked about me over the years - I wonder how her mam explained me to her? My brother isn't on her birthcert - this was a decision they both made back in the day, when the mum couldn't get 'unmarried mothers allowance' if the father was known on the birthcert....

tbh

The godparents aren't listed on a birthcert surely?

tbh

Sorry - baptism cert. Gotcha.

Fittle

I know my own childs godparents are on his baptismal cert - might have been different 18yrs ago, but I doubt it.

metrovelvet

My son never got a baptismal cert. Maybe she doesnt have one. And if I have one for me, Ive never seen it.

Fittle

Well, I sent the mum a message, and she replied almost immediately.

I just apologised if she thought I was intruding but asked how my niece was, what she was doing with her life etc etc. I said I'd never contact my niece directly via fb (she's not 18 yet) without her knowing etc.

In fairness, she replied saying it was lovely to hear from me - that my niece was doing great and doing her leaving cert next year etc etc.
She ended by saying she appreciated that I wouldn't contact her directly. And then she put her own page on private...and my nieces page....

So at least I know she's ok...I wrote a one liner back (before I realised she put her page on private) saying she could contact me, should she ever want to, on fb.....

Ah well...I tried:(

tbh

sorry it didn't work out better for you op.

Fittle

Thanks tbh.

I'm hoping it was just a shock to her and that she might think about contacting me - who knows what's going on in her mind...

My own situation is that my sons dad wasn't involved from pregnancy either - but he has aunts/uncles and grandparents who live close enough, who he's never met. I would be delighted if they contacted me....I'd love my son to know his extended family.

I suppose not everyone feels the same though, and she may never have told her daughter about my brother, or our family.
Who knows.

alibaba12

Sorry it didnt work out OP. But hopefully its just shock. She could want to speak with her daughter first or she could be deciding what to do.

tbh

Fittle wrote: »

Thanks tbh.

I'm hoping it was just a shock to her and that she might think about contacting me - who knows what's going on in her mind...

My own situation is that my sons dad wasn't involved from pregnancy either - but he has aunts/uncles and grandparents who live close enough, who he's never met. I would be delighted if they contacted me....I'd love my son to know his extended family.

I suppose not everyone feels the same though, and she may never have told her daughter about my brother, or our family.
Who knows.

based purely on what you've said on this thread - and therefore just my opinion and not to be taken seriously - I would imagine that she thinks that no matter how much she'd like you to be part of her daughters life, she wants to keep your brother away more. It's punishing you for the actions of your brother, which is a bitch, but what can you do other than trust her to make the right call for her daughter.

metrovelvet

And she may have put it on private so your brother doesnt find them.

tbh

metrovelvet wrote: »

And she may have put it on private so your brother doesnt find them.

almost certainly I'd say.

Fittle

Yes, they were my thoughts too, that she'd put it on private to avoid my brother finding them.

Having said that, when I say private - she has just closed her wall and both her and my nieces pictures are still there, and you can still message both of them. But perhaps she'll have another look and re-set her privacy...

It's kinda sad - but then I'm sure there are many aunts like me, who don't know their nephews/nieces due to similar circumstances.