How do I say no / not yet?

LegacyUser

Quick background. Met a guy out a while back - kissed and that was it but he would have stayed over. We have been in text contact since but hadnt met up (approx 2 months).

Ended up discovering people in common and we ended up meeting on Sat night and he stayed over. There was good chemistry and lots of fooling round but we didnt have sex as I wasnt ready.

In the texts, I was a bit brave and pretty flirty as I didnt think i would see him again so he most likely thinks I am a bit of a 'goer'. Now I can be a bit of a 'goer' when I know and trust someone but not in the very early days of meeting someone new.... I have not slept with anyone since my ex in January and am just cautious about jumping in.

He wants to meet this weekend (due to living in different locations, we need to stay over) and I am not ready yet to have sex with him but I know, from the messing I was at in the texts, that he is surely expecting this..

How do I say no / not yet, without seeming like I was a tease to start off with and do I tell him now before I land over to him for the night... Its not a big problem but we got on well and I dont want to mess him round either if thats all he wants...

LegacyUser

OK, let me get this straight. A guy you barely know gets lots of raunchy text messages from you implying sex and you are now worrying that he thinks he is going to get some and that he thinks you are easy.

My God. Cause and effect woman! Cause and effect...

music lover 2

Just tell him you are not ready- but i would address the issue before he arrives at your place so he knows the score and you don't feel under pressure. Oh and if thats all he wants at least you will know without having an akward moment with him when he arrives at your place .I was in a similar situation before and told him on the phone (not by text) before he arrived we lived 2 hours from each other other and it was fine.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

I wont be able to talk to him before then as he is away with work. I didnt realise it was this soon....

LegacyUser

Just tell him you have your period this weekend and feel weird about being intimate while you have it. At least that'll give you a bit of space to somehow work into the conversation how you want to take things slowly, without being really blunt and awkward and saying 'I'm not ready to have sex'.

If he is only after the one thing, then at least you'll know either way!

Exclamation Marc

Agree with music lover.

Clarify that it won't be happening before he arrives because I could see how he could be building up to finally sleeping with you, and to find out on the night might be a bit crushing. But if he's stayed over before as you said, he might not be 100% expecting it.

Just simply let him know by text or call that you're really looking forward to getting closer and closer but you don't feel ready for sex just yet.

He should be fine with it and respect you. And if for some reason he doesn't and has a fit (which he most likely won't) then you know he's not very understanding...

LegacyUser

Thanks so far.

Well the main reason is that I was very hurt this year by an ex and decided then not to get close to a guy again. I don't think I could sleep with someone over time and not get emotionally involved. This guy would for a variety of reasons have no problem getting women and as I don't know yet myself if I want to get involved in a relationship with him I don't want to get falsly emotionally involved with him cos I am sleeping with him and then have my blinkers on and not see any red flags there may be...

Problem is that he is away abroad with work until he literally lands home and comes directly to see me. I don't want to call him on a work trip (have only met him twice) and dunno how I could explain or even what to say by text without sounding like I am making a huge deal of it....

The reality is that I slept with my ex pretty quickly and i think I was blindsided then to things I should have picked up on which could have saved me a lot of hurt later on...

Help please

LegacyUser

hklhlhkh wrote: »

Just tell him you have your period this weekend and feel weird about being intimate while you have it. At least that'll give you a bit of space to somehow work into the conversation how you want to take things slowly, without being really blunt and awkward and saying 'I'm not ready to have sex'.

If he is only after the one thing, then at least you'll know either way!

Thought about this one but what happens then when I do have my period in 2 weeks :S

chainsaws

Sex is just sex. Just get it over it.
Instead what you have done is make sex the biggest issue.
That is his fault as much you.
This guy seems unable to initiate sex.
Any girls I've every gone out with I slept with them on the first day. Pretty much any woman can be persuaded into bed right away. As I rule I make sure to sleep with girls as soon as possible - whether it is a fling or a six month relationship.
The point I'm trying to make is that a relationship without sex is not really real - any guy can exchange texts, go on dates to the cinema or the pub or kiss a girl.
But sex is when it really becomes a relationship - whether it is casual f buddies or committed lovers who want marriage and kids.
By holding out like this - making such a huge issue about sex - you are spoiling any chance for this becoming a relationship or finding out if it really could become just a casual sexual relationship.

If you are not having sex with this guy, especially after so long - what exactly is the point?

Do you like the feeling of having this guy hanging out of you, basically waiting like an army waiting outside a castle for the draw-bridge to come down so he can charge inside?

LegacyUser

chainsaws wrote: »

This guy seems unable to initiate sex.?

Not true....

chainsaws wrote: »

Any girls I've every gone out with I slept with them on the first day. ?

They also chose to sleep with you....

chainsaws wrote: »

Pretty much any woman can be persuaded into bed right away. ?

Not true obviously....

chainsaws wrote: »

As I rule I make sure to sleep with girls as soon as possible - whether it is a fling or a six month relationship.?

Am just curious - how do you make sure?

chainsaws wrote: »

The point I'm trying to make is that a relationship without sex is not really real - any guy can exchange texts, go on dates to the cinema or the pub or kiss a girl. But sex is when it really becomes a relationship - whether it is casual f buddies or committed lovers who want marriage and kids.

I know that and I would not want a relationship without sex but my point is it tends to blur my judgement especially early on and i have only met him twice now...

chainsaws wrote: »

By holding out like this - making such a huge issue about sex - you are spoiling any chance for this becoming a relationship or finding out if it really could become just a casual sexual relationship.

Even after only meeting twice???? The first time was not an option.. Seriously (not being sarcastic) ???

chainsaws wrote: »

If you are not having sex with this guy, especially after so long - what exactly is the point?

See above - met him twice

chainsaws wrote: »

Do you like the feeling of having this guy hanging out of you, basically waiting like an army waiting outside a castle for the draw-bridge to come down so he can charge inside?

No and its not a control thing, its a self preservation thing ....

LegacyUser

Believe it or not, Chainsaws, as enjoyable and wonderful as sex is, it doesn't HAVE to be the 'be all and end all' of everything to EVERY person on earth, and it doesn't have to be the central part of a relationship (although I do agree it is important). And some people are not comfortable with having casual sex. I'd be a bit similar to the OP whereas if I like someone enough to have sex with them, I automatically have feelings for them. Of course you do - it's being as physically close to someone as you possibly can be.

OP, as for the period thing, just blag it and say it's been irregular lately because of the pill you're on, or something... men are crap at figuring stuff like that out anyway, and generally don't ask about periods.

chainsaws

Am just curious - how do you make sure?

I don't know really. I suppose I just follow my instincts. When I am talking to a woman we just develop this great connection, get closer to each other, we kiss and one thing just leads to another. I just figure if a girl is smiling at me across a room she wants to talk to me, if she is talking to me, she likes me, so I could kiss her and because she kisses me back she would like to have sex with me. I just don't give her an excuse to say no:) and she doesn't.

Maybe OP you should should just go with what feels good - follow your instincts like? That's what I do.

Instead of thinking about what could go wrong - maybe think about what could go right - great sex and a magical love affair?:)

Think about it and best of luck.

herosa

"Any girls I've every gone out with I slept with them on the first day. Pretty much any woman can be persuaded into bed right away. As I rule I make sure to sleep with girls as soon as possible - whether it is a fling or a six month relationship.
The point I'm trying to make is that a relationship without sex is not really real - any guy can exchange texts, go on dates to the cinema or the pub or kiss a girl. " Chainsaws you are funny! I bet you are some character in real life. Well seeing as you have made me laugh out loud on a wet friday morning I am going to send you a little song.<snip> Sorry but after that comment I couldnt resist it!

Old enough to know but...I wouldn't hide behind this period lark.
There is no shame in wanting to know the person you are sleeping with.
Just tell him straight out how you feel about the matter.

LegacyUser

I think you should just be honest and text this guy and tell him you're sorry if you gave him the wrong impression but you want to take things slowly, if hes into you he'll understand, if he doesn't understand well then hes probably just out for the ride and is not much loss

Exclamation Marc

Moonbaby wrote: »

Old enough to know but...I wouldn't hide behind this period lark.
There is no shame in wanting to know the person you are sleeping with.
Just tell him straight out how you feel about the matter.

I agree. Just be honest. Despite what other people say, if a guy notices a girl has had two periods in two weeks, he might get nosey.

Don't bother lying, he'd probably much prefer you could be open and honest with him.

Ickle Magoo

Chainsaws has been banned and herosa given a weeks holiday.

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP.
Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.
Ickle

Squiggler

I agree with the others urging you to just come clean with him and tell him that you don't want to rush into a physical relationship. Apologising for the teasing texts would be good too.

Make it a positive conversation, tell him the things you like about him and reassure him that it's not that you don't find him attractive.

Best of luck with it.

OP

There are a lot of things that are important to make a relationship work but I have long been of the opinion that communication is the most important one.

Do not look at this as an awkward situation, but a chance to see if communication will work with this guy and test how you feel about what will possibly be one of the most important aspects of a future relationship.

Simply meet him and tell him how you feel. The result will tell you a lot about him, you guys as a couple and how comfortable you feel being open and honest with him.

LegacyUser

Thanks all. Well as I said he has been overseas with work.... He has been texting and has called (when home from the work do's so later at night) a few times. He has been sweet and checked with me if I were over my ex and also said he was looking forward to seeing me..

So he has been in touch a lot but I have not said anything as it just didnt seem appropriate given the circumstances... Ill talk to him when I see him.. Ill be honest and see what happens.. If its not for him to wait, then thats fine and there will be no hard feelings (pardon the pun ) and we can both move on. If he wants to hang round, Ill see how this meeting goes and things progress from there. I would not want to wait for ages but its just very, very soon to sleep with him right now.

I just dont know how to phrase it ....

LegacyUser

Guys, dont know if people picked up on it but we live about an hour apart so it means he will be staying with me overnight... Its makes it a bit more awkward.... All hints and suggestions on how best to explain myself will be welcome..

Thanks

Exclamation Marc

Well you did say in your first post that he has stayed over in yours before and there was obviously no sex, so at least there's a precendent there.

Maybe don't come straight out with it at the moment (seeing as its tomorrow) and just if it gets into bed, establish in your own mind how far you want to go with him, and explain as you start getting cosy in bed that you just don't feel ready and that you're really looking forward to it eventually but you don't want to rush it when you're just not ready yet.

The only way he'll flip out is if he's only in it for sex, which I think its clear he's not. And if in the smallest minorest chance he does get overannoyed at least u can see his true feelings.

But it genuinely sounds like he'll be ok with it, once you're completely honest with him.

LegacyUser

I am honestly taking this day by day but does me 'holding off' come across as a strategy to be seen as a gf rather than a fling??? The reality is as outlined - self preservation but I am just curious if it could be misinterpreted as this...

Miss Fluff

old enough to know but... wrote: »

Guys, dont know if people picked up on it but we live about an hour apart so it means he will be staying with me overnight... Its makes it a bit more awkward.... All hints and suggestions on how best to explain myself will be welcome..

Thanks

Yes, you already told us that he would have to be spending the night.

If you are "old enough to know" as your title would say then surely you should just have the maturity to actually be honest with the guy? You've lied to him once by giving him the idea that sex is on the cards and now you are looking for another "excuse" (lie) so that you won't have to follow through?

Make sure when he phones next time to tell him in the conversation that you got a little carried away with the texting and that you don't want to lead him on and that you have to get to know someone a little before sleeping with them/you are not over your ex or whatever the obstacle is. Just say it to him. It really is that simple tbh.

LegacyUser

I had fully planned on saying it this week but he caught me on the hop as he was heading off the next morning and all calls since have been snatched while he was out with work.. This trip is a big deal do last I want to do is take any limelight away from
his work...

I have been asking WHAT to say and not if i should say it. Do I say it whn he is away or when he lands tom night before he arrives directly down to me - it's not as easy as 'Just say it!!!'

LighterGuy

old enough to know but... wrote: »

Thought about this one but what happens then when I do have my period in 2 weeks :S

Do not say you are having your period. Its one of the oldest excuses women can use. Most guys dont believe such a statement. Sure in a relationship they would but not when dating someone early on and its leading up to sex.


So op you have to tell him before you meet him that you dont want sex just yet. If you dont you will be leading him on. Simple as.

Miss Fluff

As a last resort, and if you can't get talking to him by phone, then send him an email being straight with him BEFORE he arrives back in the country.

LegacyUser

I dont know his email address....

I did apologise last week and explained that i hadnt expected to meet him at all and was not intending to lead him on... I said I should have told him the state of play before he came down and he said he would have come down anyway...