I think I need a new heart

LegacyUser

I was gonna post this in PI, but I thought it is better here.

So, whats my problem?

As it says in the title, I think I need a new heart. I was an extremely warm, open honest male, but my heart has been broken properly three times and as such, I can't let a female near me. I can't allow myself to try and chat a girl up anymore let alone get involved with a girl anymore.

As I'm unreg'd, I'm going to go into a little detail. I've always been pretty lucky with the ladies ever since I was a teen. I wasn't the most attractive, but was very confident in myself. When I was 17 I met and fell in love with a girl. To cut a long story short, she dumped me for a friend. I was in bits for 3-4 months after it.

The most serious heartbreak happened when I was 22. I was living abroad and met a girl from another country who was also working there. It was absolutely love at first sight. She was "the one". I could never have asked for more. After 6 weeks of seeing each other, I asked her to marry me (on a Monday). She said she had to think about it. On the Wednesday her father arrived (quite unexpected) to "size me up" We went out for a meal on the Thursday, then he asked his daughter (my gf) to give us some time alone. We went out, talked about plans, my upbringing, the usual stuff a future father in law would ask. He then left me hanging in a state of limbo. She turned to me in the pub on the Friday and said yes. Beaming, I was the proudest man in the world. She had to go home for a couple of weeks as her tour was finished and she would be back, but this time she would be based in the City I was working in, but her job needed her to travel all over the country, so I would only see her once maybe twice a week. That was fine. 3 months later, she turned my world upside down when she dumped me. She told me in a coffee shop in the afternoon and I went a bit mental. I went tearing through the streets, my eyes filled with tears. I hadn't felt pain or anguish like it ever. My entire insides had been pulled out and were trailing 6 feet behind me. I had absolutely no control over myself that day. Miraculously, I found my way back to the bar I was working in and didn't speak to anyone for a good 2 hours. I just hid in my managers office. When I came out, a local I was friendly with said to me, "You could do so much better", I nearly killed him there and then. I shoulder charged him out the front door of the bar and the two of us started fighting in the snow outside. The bar staff (my colleagues) pulled us apart and brought us both back into the pub, and, well, got me buckled to forget about the pain.
I moved over to her country and tried to patch things up, but it wasn't to be.

After that, I moved back to Ireland. And every relationship since has had a "best before date" stamped on it. There was a girl from Dublin which I knew was moving to the states for college 9 months after we first got together. No future there. Then I got together with a girl studying over here, again, no future there, as she was due home.

This went on for a long time with "date stamped relationships". Then, I made friends with a girl from the US. I never saw any attraction between us originally as I had made a decision, if there wasn't a chance at a future, I wasn't interested. She was from there, I was from here, I'd been down that road, best of as friends. But then friends got involved. Every picture that was put up on facebook, was, "Oh you guys would make such a great couple", "You guys look great together". Whenever we were out together, strangers would think we were boyfriend and girlfriend.
And then, my best mate since I was a kid met her for the first time. There was a party going on in my house. Everybody was pretty wasted. She arrived late and started bustling around as she was wont to do. Making sure there were snacks, joints and making sure everyone had a glass of something. My mate saw her and took a massive whitey. I went to the bathroom and when I came back, I saw my mate was gone from his chair. "Where's xxxx?" I asked. She replied, "I think he went home". My mate was in no way, shape or form in a right state of mind to be walking home alone. So I headed out to him. He was trying to open the front door, but failing miserably. It wasn't difficult, he was just locked. So I asked him, "Whats the matter with you?". "It's your wan inside", he replied. "She's like all your ex-girlfriends rolled into one!"
That shut me up to be honest. As I said, I hadn't seen her in this light before. But then it all came together. She was incredible on a lot of different levels. I just hadn't realised it. The problem of course, was that she was going home three weeks after the night in question. So I did nothing.
We kept in touch through facebook and texts, even though we were on the other side of the world, I felt the connection growing. You know when you're about to send a text to someone out of the blue and as you're writing it, you receive one from that person? That kind of connection. We sent each other Birthday presents and Christmas presents.

Then she hit me with the news I wanted to hear so badly. She was coming back to Ireland for two weeks. I couldn't wait to see her again. She stayed in my place, shared a bed, but nothing happened. I was getting panic attacks from thinking about her. (Which my friends thought was hysterical :rolleyes:)
But I was so scared of losing her and her friendship that I chose not to say anything. She went home, and one night, chatting to her, I told her how I felt. A great weight shifted from me. And... She wasn't interested. I hadn't allowed myself to be too emotionally involved as I thought it would end in heartbreak, but at the same time I can't get over it.

Everyone will tell you, I'm a warm, generous,charitable, determined, nice guy. But (cue the melodrama) it's all a façade, my heart is absolutely shut closed. I can't let anyone in for the fear of losing them. But now I'm older, I quite fancy the idea of meeting somebody, having fun with them, inspiring me, going on adventures with. But I have this thing in me that won't allow "the real me" to step forward. Has anyone else been to this plateau and survived? Gone on to form meaningful relationships after years of not trusting others?
I'm thinking of going to relationship counselling. Which might be weird going on my own, but I'm quite happy in all other aspects of my life, hence no need for counselling (been down that road before) but I'd like a more targeted approach.

Thanks for reading, Sorry about the long post/bio but PI brings it out in you!

LegacyUser

You're very impulsive (which is good sometimes) but what happens is you fall apart when the person you're with isn't as impulsive as you. Every person you meet is different, you can't expect other people to share the exact same outlook as you.
I bet you now feel that you're reining yourself in, you can't show your true self to girls for fear of getting hurt. You can definitely show your true, impulsive side to girls. You have to be lucky enough, however, that the girl you meet is on the same page as you (when I say same page, I don't mean that she has to be impulsive too, I mean that she wants the same things from life as you do).
It's possible for people to meet and propose within six weeks, but it's rarely a success, and it's usually only a success between people who can read each other's signs really well. I'd guess that you didn't read (or decided to ignore) the signs of the girl you proposed to. Your heart is a valuable commodity, don't give it away or be impulsive with people who are giving you mixed signals.
Bottom line is you can still be yourself, but give your heart the respect it deserves. I always make the analogy that you wouldn't give a hundred euro in the street to just any passer by, so why give your heart (which is infinitely more valuable) to just anyone? Be prepared for some knockbacks, but pick yourself up and meet the next girl. If you'd let life's knockbacks get to you when you were a baby, you'd never have learned how to walk or talk! Take back some of that certainty about yourself that you've lost and start living your life again.
Good luck

weatherguy

Well, that was a missive!!!
My goodness, if I took on that attitude that youhave I wouldn't have met half the women Ihave done over the years.
Firstly I would like to know what age you are. I get the impression you are quite young and inexperienced with women.
May I suggest you stop chasing that unassailable dream (meeting the perfect woman) and instead start looking after yourself.
You proposed to a women you had only met six weeks earlier. A bit rash. Most women would run a mile from you.
I think you are probably all those adjectives that u used here to describe yourself. One word you omitted was 'patient'. And you have to be patient when it comes to meeting women.
It is rare that a couple meet for the first time, fall madly in love, and marry each other. More often, it takes time for them to get to know one another, want to be with each other and eventually want to spend the rest of their lives together. In some cases, it can take years.
May I suggest that rather than trying to seek out the 'one' for you, start living your life. By that I mean start looking after number one. It amazes me how guys and girls just fall madly in love and dump all other rational feelings in the process, only to discover later how stupid they were.
Act in haste, repent at leisure.
Do the things you want to do in life. It may be travelling, taking up a new hobby, sport etc.
You will meet a girl at some stage, and if you are fortunate enough, you will fall for each other and marry. It doesn't happen to all guys and girls, there are many lonely people living alone.
Enjoy your life. Mature on the way. You will meet more women and it won't work out, that's life. But as I said with a bit of luck you will meet that special person. Look forward to it.
Show some self respect, pride in yourself. You are a child of the universe and you have a right to be here. We are all unique individuals, God's children. Noone is better than the other, we all have unique personalities, qualities, character traits.
Girls don't like pushy guys, desperate guys or needy guys. You come across as being all three in different stages of your life and this has probably turned off those women you really liked.
So, go forward with a light heart and smile and love each minute of each day, enjoy the boredom, the excitement and just live for the day. Cart Diem.

LegacyUser

OP here again. I know it's been a while, and I'm sorry for bringing this back from the dead, but there's been developments

To answer the above users questions, I'm 29 and getting ladies has never been a problem of mine. But you had some lovely words in there. Thank you to the two previous posters.

Anyway, the girl from the US is coming back over in the Summer. When she told me, it wasn't a jump for joy moment, but rather an "oh" moment. I should be happy, but I'm still mad about her and I'm unsure if it makes sense to me to "just be friends". To top this off, she keeps hassling me about going over to her. I've always dreamed of living where she lives (before I met her I felt the same way, I hasten to add) but I told her if I'd go, I wouldn't leave and she replied saying she'd put me up, and has a job waiting for me (She runs a bar/restaurant). It's really killing me, but if I went over, I feel that I would just be watching a snippet of the life I *could* have led.

God, I'm as confused as ever.

I've made pretty big plans for this year to top it all off.

Sorry, just needed to vent, trying to do some writing (my job) and I can't get her off my mind. Thought this would help, and it has a bit.

Thanks for reading.

killerking

She was "the one".

That's your whole problem right there.
You put women on a pedestal.
Stop doing it and take off the rose colored spectacles.
There was nothing 'special' about that girl - she was just a girl and you came on all strong and it just got embarrassing for her and she dumped you because you are are self-obsessed needy and demanding and your turn violent when you don't get your way - you started a fight with a guy who told you the truth.