Where am I going wrong??

LegacyUser

I am a woman in my mid twenties and I have never had a relationship and it is really beginning to niggle away at me. Since my teens I had cripplingly low self esteem and confidence. I was so insecure in myself and my friendships and everything that it held me back in so many ways- I didn't think I was smart enough, nice enough or pretty enough and felt like I never deserved the good things in my life.

I'm happy to say that I have worked really, really hard over the past year (through counselling) and finally begin to feel secure in myself and in my family and friend relationships. I have become so confident in so many areas in life (graduated from college with good marks, moved to a different country, got a new job and I have made loads of new friends). In short I feel really good about myself in many ways and I can see my progress. Its hard work and it's something I have to constantly work at.

However, the one area where my confidence hasn't grown at all is in relation to my love life (or lack there of). I feel like I am just stuck in the same old habits and ways, and sometimes I think I'm even going backwards. I feel like the awkward, shy, ugly, pathetic girl I used to think I was.
I just can't put myself out there anymore and keep getting ignored. I know a lot has to do with a fear of rejection but, you know, I'm kind of used to being rejected and passed over in favour of my friends. I'm not desperate for a boyfriend or anything serious but it worries me that I never get a second glance, that I am never the girl that anyone fancies or takes a shine too. I hate being the invisible one.

I make an effort with my clothes, hair and make up but not overly so. I dress to make myself feel confident. I am slightly overweight and I am conscious about that but, to be honest, I have never felt more body confident. I am always seen as the "friend" by guys. My friends tell me I am attractive in both personality and looks and that I can flirt for Ireland when I want.

So I don't really know where I am going wrong only that I think I am just not attractive to men.Maybe I give off uninterested vibes as I am so sure that any guy I meet and like would never be interested in me? I don't know. What I do know is that it really gets to me sometimes even though I try not to show it. I get lonely feeling like the invisible girl and it chips away at the confidence I have built up in myself. I know being in my twenties and not being in a relationship is no big deal but doesn't every woman (and man) want to feel attractive and desirable in some way?

Any words of advice or wisdom or anything would really be appreciated. Sorry for the long post!

LegacyUser

OP i understand exactly how you feel - i'm in the exact same situation in that i haven't ever even kissed a guy not to mind having a relationship! And i'm pretty 'normal' (or what most people would consider normal anyway). I have good friends and a great family, full time job but i'm just so shy when it comes to men - i don't know where to start to be quite honest and i'm 25 so i'm beginning to panic a bit. My friends are great but the people (ie. males) that they would know and their friends wouldn't be people that i have much in common with (even though they are very nice don't get me wrong) and it's hard to meet people outside of that circle.

I was never into going out drinking really although, imo, i have gotten better at going out. I just used to hate pubs and clubs and i still am not mad about them but i've realised that it seems to be the only way that i'll have even the slightest chance of meeting anyone and i really would like to meet someone.

I'm always told that i'm very attractive etc. but i put myself down a lot and i know i do, cos i simply don't have the confidence to tell myself that i'm an attractive, interesting person. I don't want to come across as full of myself cos i hate people like that!

In social situations (pubs mainly) i'm always very uptight, constantly wondering do i look ok etc. Then if i were to like a guy i'd be constantly saying to myself sure he wouldnt be interested in me etc etc. when really i think it's just a way of avoiding getting into anything cos i'd be too embarrassed to tell him that i never had a boyfriend etc.!

So OP i guess i'm not really helping you that much here but just so you know i know how you feel

LegacyUser

Your lives are going well, yet you think you're some sort of 'failures' because men aren't coming up to you. This kind of thinking leads to lack of confidence in yourself, which is the vibe you're giving to off to men and women alike.
Take pride in what you have achieved and how far you've come. Enjoy your friends company and the nights out. Don't go out looking for attention from a man, you'll end up going home disappointed if it doesn't happen. Instead, go out with the goal of having a good night with your friends, anything else that happens will be a bonus : )

LegacyUser

unregistered wrote: »

Your lives are going well, yet you think you're some sort of 'failures' because men aren't coming up to you. This kind of thinking leads to lack of confidence in yourself, which is the vibe you're giving to off to men and women alike.
Take pride in what you have achieved and how far you've come. Enjoy your friends company and the nights out. Don't go out looking for attention from a man, you'll end up going home disappointed if it doesn't happen. Instead, go out with the goal of having a good night with your friends, anything else that happens will be a bonus : )

Yes you are dead right - at the end of the day i know it all comes down to confidence and i wish that i had more experience by this age but it's just getting harder as the years go on and you still haven't had a relationship of any sort - you begin to analyse it a lot more. Also i guess i feel pressure from others to have met someone (even though that's prob just my own paranoia). It's just frustrating cos deep down i know i'm a good person who could bring a lot to a relationship but it doesn't manifest on the outside - i want to be the fun, outgoing girl that everyone loves but in reality i'm shy enough when it comes to the opposite sex....sigh.....!

LegacyUser

iknowhowyoufeel wrote: »

i want to be the fun, outgoing girl that everyone loves but in reality i'm shy enough when it comes to the opposite sex....sigh.....!

Why force yourself to be something you're not? There's nothing wrong with being shy (unless it's pure pathological shyness where everyone feels uncomfortable : ). Not every man wants to be with a loud, outgoing girl. Just like every girl doesn't want to be with a loud, outgoing man.
Accepting youself (warts and all-and believe me we all have the warts and all!) is part and parcel of growing up. Now you might meet someone without accepting or believing in yourself, but it doesn't compare with the feeling of believing in yourself, whether you're with someone or not. People who believe in themselves are attractive. If you believe in yourself, the world is your oyster.

Have faith in yourself woman!

LegacyUser

I saw this thread and just thought I had to post. Im a 21yr old guy and I have never been kissed. I cant say its been down to any insecurity as Im happy with myself etc Im just shy and I never think that a women might be interested in me. I used hate the club/pub scene - as I dont drink and not really into any drunken hook-ups. However I have been going out more as I just go out to have the craic and dont even bother trying to meet anyone (the whole "just go out and enjoy yourself and youll meet someone" thing is rubbish btw) It just seems impossible to meet a potential bf/gf outside of alcohol which is a real shame and when your out its just accepted that everyone is after the ride.

toothie

Hi OP,
My situation is so similar to yours. I'm 25, almost 26 and had never ever had a relationship until very recently. That (very short) relationship is now over, and I find myself feeling the same things that you mentioned. I'm also very shy when it comes to the opposite sex, I feel that I'm not interesting enough, etc. I also am not into night clubs and pubs as I don't drink and even when I do go out, I feel so uncomfortable and shy.
So, I'm sorry I can't offer any help but just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

You have worked on your confidence in most areas of your life. Now its time to focus on the negative thoughts you are having about how you come across to men. You need to believe that you are an attractive young women with loads to offer the world. Fear of rejection and the old 'No man will ever find me attractive' now needs to be a thing of the past. Stop giving yourself such a hard time!

Good for you that you have worked hard on your confidence to date. Keep going. Work on loving yourself. You can get there. Be positive. Once you start embracing yourself, believing in yourself, you will be able to deal with what the dating world throws at you. Fear of being rejected will turn into the trial and error faze. You will be able to say to yourself, ok so I have been rejected but so what, hes the one missing out!

No one is invisible. And once you realize and believe what your friends say (that your attractive etc) you will see that it was only your negative thoughts about yourself holding you back!!!

To all the others saying you don't like the pub scene but feel its the only place to meet people...join a club, sports team, dating site etc. Stop telling yourself that you are not interesting enough or someone wont be interested in you etc. Because its not true!!!

weatherguy

I'm entering my 40s and I have had relationships, but never long-term. Friends would always tell me I was the 'good looking guy' in the group. Yet, although I always met nice girls, I failed to turn the intial dating situation into an more steady relationship.
Why? Becasue I expected too much from my gf's and also judged them by my standards.
I had this idea of what they should be like personality wise instead of allowing them be themselves.
It's probably ten years since I've had any real relationship.
Yes, I have 'grown up and matured' and I know I would be a very loving, attentive boyfriend.
Alas, I've given up altogether. I have no expectations of meeting a girl. I believe once you are over mid 30s you can forget about meeting that special lady.
I have so much to offer and so much to give. Yet, life has passed me by.
My other main mistake was focussing on my career too much and not devoting the requisite time to a potential gf.
It depresses and saddens me. Because all my friends are married and happy. They often tell me their relationships are not all roses, sweetness and light. Yet, I tell them they have somebody to share their lives with, good and bad.
I believe in myself. I am a good,funny, honest, decent guy who is generous, loving and loyal. Yet there is nobody out there.
Weekends are a nightmare. Friends, if they are free to meet up, only want to go to a local pub or to meet in town but want to go home on the last bus or DART or LUAS.
I invariably stay in the pub in town alone. It irks the ****e out of them, because they want to go home by public transport.
What I have learned through all of this is who my real friends are.
I have to go out and socialise alone. I don't like having to do it.
So, I resolved to not help any friends whose marriage or relationship breaks up and they come squealing to me.
I have joined a club, a dating agency. Met some girls on dates. That was it.
I find it difficult at times to keep going. To keep up the enthusiasm and motivation for life itself.I have my good days and bad days.
I go to bars, not clubs, as i am too old for them. I am not bad looking and dress well.
However, I don't expect to meet any girls that would be interested in me.
That's the way it goes.
Yes I am unfortunate, unlucky in love you might guess.
Single guys and girls need their friends to rally around them at times like these and to offer support and succour not criticism or one liners such as you will meet someone or marriage is not all it is cracked up to be.
I've begun to drip 'friends' who don't make an effort to meet me. I've turned down an invitation to a xmas party this year, 'cos I know it is just a pissup for the guys.
I own my house and am self employed. I am seriously considering selling up and moving off elsewhere.
A fresh start and all of that.
Love to read any advice.

Missgoggles

I'm entering my 40s and I have had relationships, but never long-term. Friends would always tell me I was the 'good looking guy' in the group. Yet, although I always met nice girls, I failed to turn the intial dating situation into an more steady relationship.
Why? Becasue I expected too much from my gf's and also judged them by my standards.
I had this idea of what they should be like personality wise instead of allowing them be themselves.
It's probably ten years since I've had any real relationship.
Yes, I have 'grown up and matured' and I know I would be a very loving, attentive boyfriend.
Alas, I've given up altogether. I have no expectations of meeting a girl. I believe once you are over mid 30s you can forget about meeting that special lady.

Weather guy, there is no time limit on when you will find love. People over mid 30s find love every day. I know it might seem impossible right now for you to find anyone, but its not impossible!
You say you've met girls but nothing got as far as you would hope, and you've stated the reasons why you think it went wrong. But they are valid reasons. Why settle for anything less then what you expect from a partner? The thing is finding someone that lives up to your expectations and you living up to hers...or else looking over what your expectations are and slightly adjusting the ones that may not be realistic. You seem to know where you went wrong, so when it does happen that you meet someone, you can take this all on board.

I invariably stay in the pub in town alone. It irks the ****e out of them, because they want to go home by public transport.
What I have learned through all of this is who my real friends are.
I have to go out and socialise alone. I don't like having to do it.

What you could do is organize something where you dont have to get public transport. Go away for a lads night and stay over at a hotel? If none of your mates like to do this sort of thing, then it might be time you try looking elsewhere for people that are into the same things as you. There are loads of clubs, groups etc you just have to look!

So, I resolved to not help any friends whose marriage or relationship breaks up and they come squealing to me. Single guys and girls need their friends to rally around them at times like these and to offer support and succour not criticism or one liners such as you will meet someone or marriage is not all it is cracked up to be.

You sound very bitter towards your friends. I agree that your friends should be there but it sounds like they are there and giving you their advice, you just don't like what advice they are giving you.

I've begun to drip 'friends' who don't make an effort to meet me. I've turned down an invitation to a xmas party this year, 'cos I know it is just a pissup for the guys.

Also why wouldn't you go to the xmas party? You were complaining that your mates don't like going out because of public transport and aren't making an effort but that sounds like a person making an effort. Now you have a chance to socialize with them!what else are you going to do?

I have joined a club, a dating agency. Met some girls on dates. That was it.
I find it difficult at times to keep going. To keep up the enthusiasm and motivation for life itself.I have my good days and bad days.
I go to bars, not clubs, as i am too old for them. I am not bad looking and dress well.
However, I don't expect to meet any girls that would be interested in me.
That's the way it goes.
Yes I am unfortunate, unlucky in love you might guess.

Keep trying new things. Dont give up. Its difficult at times to keep going but when you feel it getting on top of you, you need to focus on the good things you have going for you. Believe in yourself. Only you can make this happen. If you give up then its your choice, but whats the alternative...Beating yourself up that you couldn't do it. Letting go of your mates because they aren't helping you through this time. Being alone for the rest of your life....you don't want this, so pick yourself up, and go out and try again. Its hard, I know, but nothing is ever easy in this life. Its a mixture of luck and hard work to get where you want to be.

I own my house and am self employed. I am seriously considering selling up and moving off elsewhere.
A fresh start and all of that.

You could do this, and then you would have to rely on yourself to meet new people, find new friends etc. Could be the best thing for you because you will see just how strong you are. Moving country is hard. And lonely at first. But it gets better with time and work.

As you can see by the others who have posted, there are people out there that feel the way you do. But you can either give up and accept what you think about finding love, or you could have faith in yourself and hope for the best. I wish you all the best!

LegacyUser

iknowhowyoufeel wrote: »

OP i understand exactly how you feel - i'm in the exact same situation in that i haven't ever even kissed a guy not to mind having a relationship! And i'm pretty 'normal' (or what most people would consider normal anyway). I have good friends and a great family, full time job but i'm just so shy when it comes to men - i don't know where to start to be quite honest and i'm 25 so i'm beginning to panic a bit. My friends are great but the people (ie. males) that they would know and their friends wouldn't be people that i have much in common with (even though they are very nice don't get me wrong) and it's hard to meet people outside of that circle.

I was never into going out drinking really although, imo, i have gotten better at going out. I just used to hate pubs and clubs and i still am not mad about them but i've realised that it seems to be the only way that i'll have even the slightest chance of meeting anyone and i really would like to meet someone.

I'm always told that i'm very attractive etc. but i put myself down a lot and i know i do, cos i simply don't have the confidence to tell myself that i'm an attractive, interesting person. I don't want to come across as full of myself cos i hate people like that!

In social situations (pubs mainly) i'm always very uptight, constantly wondering do i look ok etc. Then if i were to like a guy i'd be constantly saying to myself sure he wouldnt be interested in me etc etc. when really i think it's just a way of avoiding getting into anything cos i'd be too embarrassed to tell him that i never had a boyfriend etc.!

So OP i guess i'm not really helping you that much here but just so you know i know how you feel

I could have written this myself except for the fact that I'm male and in my 30's. I didn't kiss a girl until I was 22 or 23. It depresses me to think about how everyone else seemed to be snogging people left, right and centre in their teens and I didn't even kiss a girl until I was into my twenties. I dare say I might not have kissed her except for the fact that she kind of made a move on me. I went out with her for a while but that ended and after that nothing happened at all really.

Occasionally I'd meet girls on nights out but I'd be struck down by the paralysis of analysis - trying to work out was she interested or just being friendly, and what to do which always resulted in me doing nothing and kicking myself the next day for wasting another opportunity. I'd also often dismiss any potential girl with the tried and tested "There's no way she'd be interested in me"

One night I went out with a friend of mine and his gf and she brought two of her friends along. We were all chatting a while and my mates gf said to me "X likes you". I must have asked her a few times was she sure. Of course I d****d around and did nothing about it. I then got a text from my mates gf that night saying the other girl fancied me too. I was stunned. She forwarded me the text and I can still remember it to this day "he's a lovely guy, really cute".

But guess what? My love life could be written on the back of a stamp. Nothing ever happened with either of those girls. It seemed that one became uninterested and I went out once with the other one but that went nowhere.

I tried internet dating and that sort of didn't work so well. I met one girl I liked but I ended up getting hurt. I met another girl, seen her for a month or so, but that ran it's course. Then recently I met a girl, went out with her 3 times but that seemed to just fizzle out too. So in my mid thirties I can attest to having snogged 3 girls, that's it. Pretty pathetic, but unfortunately it's the way it is.

Part of my issue is relating to my weight and I'm working on that. Another part is just my complete lack of confidence, low self esteem and non-existent self belief. I used to think horrible things about myself, that I was ugly, fat, no girl would like me. Any compliment that I got I ended up dismissing because in my head it couldn't be true because I was still single. It was like the compliment was a fly and my negative thoughts was a huge fly swat that would sooner or later just kill it stone dead.

I've started to realise recently that it's not that difficult to snog a girl but I'm still limiting myself and I still have huge issues with confidence and self-esteem. I guess for me, I found girls hard to read and unless they blatantly came out and said they were interested or showed me somehow, I'd be the very last to know.

I've also had to put up with the inevitable rejection that all guys do. From girls not really being interested in bars, to girls not replying to messages on dating sites, to even this weekend, getting blanked by an ex via Facebook who I haven't seen in 10 years, who is single and who was asking about me, when I just sent her a mail to say hello.

I know I lack confidence and to be honest I often get frustrated with the generic "Just be confident" advice that people dish out with absolutely no practical advice as to how to actually be that way. It's like trying to fly a plane when you don't know the first thing about them. I also get frustrated with how some girls seem to bang on constantly about being attracted to confidence to the point where they seem unwilling to even consider someone who doesn't meet those high standards in that area, which I often think is a bit unfair. It's like not even being given the chance which I feel is frustrating.

I know this hasn't really gave you lots of advice OP. Just wanted to let you know there are others in the same boat.m

chainsaws

There are loads of books in the sex and relationships section in your local bookshop. Maybe you should try them?I read one book in particular a year ago - I was a twenty-eight year old virgin - which gave step by step instructions on how to meet women and get them into bed. I was absolutely desperate so I followed it to the letter and within a month I had sex with a Japanese girl I met in a bookshop the same day we first met. I started going out and meeting women every single day and trying out these techniques. I have since had sex with more than 50 women in the past year and now I have a girlfriend - she's from Brazil. I really think you should give some of those books a try.:)

tbh

chainsaws wrote: »

and get them into bed.

urgh, tbh.