How could i be so thick?

LegacyUser

please tell me this isnt a common occurance....restore my faith in men:mad:

Long story short...you honestly wouldnt hear this on Jerermy Kyle..found out the guy i have been seeing for the last month lied to me about his Name, address and the fact he was NEWLY MARRIED:eek:..he is mid 30s. I am 29:)

I kid you not....i am a smart girl..i am a natural sceptic...i said i would give this guy a chance even thought i couldnt put my finger on something not right...it emerged last night as we were strolling into the local nightclub ( my home town-he is from another county) and this bunch of lads roared his name and he went white and whooshed me into the club...he knew the game was up and revealed he was married and his name wasnt what he told me...(his friend was also seeing my friend and he has lied about his name too)..it has now emerged he is from the same county as me and deceived me his entire time..we live on opposite sides of county so wouldnt even know of him

I live in dublin and we have been socialising there for last few weeks...

i feel so crap as i really liked him and didnt think there were sickos about who do this crap...he has said the usual drivel you read in magazines..."oh why didnt i meet u 3 years ago".."we dont sleep 2gether"..."i want to still see you"..

Kimia

Not your fault OP, don't start blaming yourself. He's just a freak tbh. A weird, horrible, nasty man who is betraying his wife already after only just getting married, and who lies to get his own way. Bullet dodged!!

Miss Fluff

I think you're very being harsh on yourself by referring to yourself as "thick". While some people have had really horrific dating experiences, you don't want to become so bitter and suspicious that you end up doing a background check on everyone you encounter!! By the same token, I do think that if there is part of you saying that something isn't right, then that should always always listen to that inner voice. You're not at fault here so go easy on yourself and be glad that you have had a lucky escape now before you really fell for him.

chainsaws

You are not thick.
If everyone went around wondering if people were lying to them, we wouldn't be able to live our lives.
Some people think the world is a computer created hologram and everyone we meet isn't real.
How were you to know?
This guy is a liar and you should be happy that you know the truth.

metrovelvet

They need to make a public marriage register that people can check if someone is married or not.

metrovelvet

innocentgirl wrote: »

please tell me this isnt a common occurance....restore my faith in men:mad:

Long story short...you honestly wouldnt hear this on Jerermy Kyle..found out the guy i have been seeing for the last month lied to me about his Name, address and the fact he was NEWLY MARRIED:eek:..he is mid 30s. I am 29:)

I kid you not....i am a smart girl..i am a natural sceptic...i said i would give this guy a chance even thought i couldnt put my finger on something not right...it emerged last night as we were strolling into the local nightclub ( my home town-he is from another county) and this bunch of lads roared his name and he went white and whooshed me into the club...he knew the game was up and revealed he was married and his name wasnt what he told me...(his friend was also seeing my friend and he has lied about his name too)..it has now emerged he is from the same county as me and deceived me his entire time..we live on opposite sides of county so wouldnt even know of him

I live in dublin and we have been socialising there for last few weeks...

i feel so crap as i really liked him and didnt think there were sickos about who do this crap...he has said the usual drivel you read in magazines..."oh why didnt i meet u 3 years ago".."we dont sleep 2gether"..."i want to still see you"..

There are sickos who do this crap unfortunately. They are fraudulant tricksters. You had a lucky escape my dear. Imagine getting pregnant by one of them!

The thing is when this happens, you feel so violated and disgusting, that it becomes impossible to trust again.

Cheap Thrills!

Grr what a pathetic kn0b. :mad:

You're not thick. In his pathetic mind he is probably like James Bond or some suave irresistable lothario wheras the reality is he is just a sad, inadequate embarassment that has to manufacture second personalities for attention.

He should be the one to cringe not you. Oh and if you get the chance tell the wife. Watch his pathetic house of cards crumble down. She will find out sooner or later. In this case I would take one for the team, she may blame you but the next time and the next time the penny will drop.

greengiant09

of course this isn't common. i'm a bloke and this guy is a chancer. tell his wife if possible and give him a taste of his own medicine!!!

metrovelvet

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Grr what a pathetic kn0b. :mad:

You're not thick. In his pathetic mind he is probably like James Bond or some suave irresistable lothario wheras the reality is he is just a sad, inadequate embarassment that has to manufacture second personalities for attention.

He should be the one to cringe not you. Oh and if you get the chance tell the wife. Watch his pathetic house of cards crumble down. She will find out sooner or later. In this case I would take one for the team, she may blame you but the next time and the next time the penny will drop.

Yeah, its walter mitty thinks he's 007 what a funny guy making an ass of you and then holding you in contempt for being stupid to fall for it.

Dont tell his wife. There could be kids involved. SHe will find out eventually and you could be putting yourself in danger if he finds out you told her.

naidy123

Omg this is a terrible story, but all too common I'm afraid, I think I may have met these chancers, your fella sounded like he was too good to be true, feel sorry for your friend also, were the pair of them in cohoots? You never said how long he was married? I agree with previous post, do not tell the wife. Forget you ever met this chancer

LighterGuy

+1 to the above replies.

But I say all that "Newly married" is crap... I'd bet he is married alot longer.

LegacyUser

OP, I went through this as well, and was shocked when I found out, because I thought, if nothing else, I was well sussed and am always the first to spot a lie or someone who is not genuine.
I have never been a 'fool' and aside from the heartbreak, (I only discovered the fabricated identity after 2 months), I could not understand how I could have been, as you put it, so 'thick'.

I heard recently that conmen who target women deliberately go for intelligent, successful women. Because they are the most likely never to reveal to anyone else what has happened for the shame that they have been taken in.

I used to believe it was only desperate people who were foolish who ended up in these situations, but since it happened to me, I have been doing some research.
Do you know what - we are all human, the most confident of us has human vulnerabilities.

These predators are disturbed people who are unable to function without living in their fantasy alter egos and they are bloody good at it. They really believe they are what they say they are in the moment. Just like a good actor does.
They love the thrill of being able to get away with it, and the challenge of having to improvise when asked awkward questions. They are the types who carefully compartmentalize their lives, usually having more than one mobile phone, and indeed a name, for their other lives.

As for the heartbreak, I went through hell. Being such a cautious person, he worked a number on me to break down my defences. I really thought, at last, this wonderful thing has happened to me I have met this fantastic guy who really seems to be falling head over heels for me. It was devastating to also realise that was no more.

However, what can you do? I am hardly going to demand I.D., and a garda vetting form off every prospective date in the future. Nonetheless, I am determined not to let this parasite ruin the chance for me to have that relationship I have always wanted with a decent, kind and genuine man.

Ithappenedtome

Ithappenedtome wrote: »

OP, I went through this as well, and was shocked when I found out, because I thought, if nothing else, I was well sussed and am always the first to spot a lie or someone who is not genuine.
I have never been a 'fool' and aside from the heartbreak, (I only discovered the fabricated identity after 2 months), I could not understand how I could have been, as you put it, so 'thick'.

I heard recently that conmen who target women deliberately go for intelligent, successful women. Because they are the most likely never to reveal to anyone else what has happened for the shame that they have been taken in.

I used to believe it was only desperate people who were foolish who ended up in these situations, but since it happened to me, I have been doing some research.
Do you know what - we are all human, the most confident of us has human vulnerabilities.

These predators are disturbed people who are unable to function without living in their fantasy alter egos and they are bloody good at it. They really believe they are what they say they are in the moment. Just like a good actor does.
They love the thrill of being able to get away with it, and the challenge of having to improvise when asked awkward questions. They are the types who carefully compartmentalize their lives, usually having more than one mobile phone, and indeed a name, for their other lives.

As for the heartbreak, I went through hell. Being such a cautious person, he worked a number on me to break down my defences. I really thought, at last, this wonderful thing has happened to me I have met this fantastic guy who really seems to be falling head over heels for me. It was devastating to also realise that was no more.

However, what can you do? I am hardly going to demand I.D., and a garda vetting form off every prospective date in the future. Nonetheless, I am determined not to let this parasite ruin the chance for me to have that relationship I have always wanted with a decent, kind and genuine man.

tough as it may have been chalk it down to experience and move on. cut this toxic dic*head out of your life at once.have no more contact. what he does with his marriage in the future is his and his missus business.

You prob weren't the first woman he done this to and prob wont be the last either sadly but it will cost him more in the long run. friends and family alike will wash their hands of him as some will be as hurt as you and more will be sick of covering his tracks for him.

Sardonicat

OP, let his wife know. She has a right to know what she's married before she has kids with him. She might not even believe it, he'd probably lie his way out of it. But tell her anyway. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you?

You are not thick, btw, just a decent, honest woman who it wouldn't occur to to weave a web of lies like that.
Be proud of that!

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for all your kind words and posts. Did a bit of research since and he is married 2 years with no kids. I am not going tell his wife as there is no point...i will come out worse from it all and be branded the local home-wrecker.

chalk it down to a really bad experience and hope there are not more confidence tricksters out there

LegacyUser

IF I was his wife, I'd want to know. Very unlikely you're the only woman he's done this to.

You don't have to go knocking on doors; very easy to send an anonymous letter or e-mail just to let her know... Could have come from anyone, not necessarily you!

Good luck with whatever you choose...

Emme

metrovelvet wrote: »

They need to make a public marriage register that people can check if someone is married or not.

Good point, but if this guy gave a false name how could the OP check he was married? What can be done apart from tattooing a wedding ring on or microchipping married people (that will give the CT people something to think about).

Sleepy

metrovelvet wrote: »

They need to make a public marriage register that people can check if someone is married or not.

How about we insist on tattooing wedding bands on people or just go the whole hog and brand ourselves?

OP, you've nothing to feel guilty about here unless you were to continue seeing him after this came out in the open. Since you haven't, chalk it down to experience and try not to hold this against the next guy that tries to chat to you in a pub

sam34

metrovelvet wrote: »

They need to make a public marriage register that people can check if someone is married or not.

whatever happened to a right to privacy and a personal life?

i certainly wouldnt want (m)any of the people i come into contact with through my work to be able to look up any sort of register about me and find out any of my personal details.


@OP - all i can say is hard luck.... you found a rotten egg, but look on it as a learning experience, what doesnt kill you will make you stronger etc

metrovelvet

sam34 wrote: »

whatever happened to a right to privacy and a personal life?

i certainly wouldnt want (m)any of the people i come into contact with through my work to be able to look up any sort of register about me and find out any of my personal details.


@OP - all i can say is hard luck.... you found a rotten egg, but look on it as a learning experience, what doesnt kill you will make you stronger etc

Marriage is a public record anyway. They are all on file in local city halls. When you get married you make 'public' your relationship.
someone is duped.

sam34

metrovelvet wrote: »

Marriage is a public record anyway. They are all on file in local city halls. When you get married you make 'public' your relationship.
someone is duped.

is that 'searchable' by anyone and everyone though?

and if it is, why did you say "they need" to create one, if such a thing already exists?

metrovelvet wrote: »

They need to make a public marriage register that people can check if someone is married or not.

and, i'm not talking about having a desire to have an incognito hidden relationship. i'm talking about not having randomers able to find out personal information on me that is none of their business.

as stated, in my job, i encounter some downright dangerous and psychopathic individuals. i would not want them to be able to enter my name into some search engine and find out any personal information about me.

Silverfish

Please keep replies on-topic and helpful to the OP.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the comments...I have to admit i did ask alot of people that i know from the town he said he was from if they knew him and they all drew a blank. When your given false info in the beginning you have no chance.

Myself and my friends were chatting about "Married Men" and their bad behaviour of late-maybe its the age we are at and most of the guys in our immediate proximity married young or were so caught up in the high life of the celtic tiger but there are too many unhappy marriages out there...it seems very easy to just have an affair or walk away these days..

my 007 walter mitty seems to fit the profile of a serial philander who is bored of his life and looking for excitement or something..best of luck to the wife but it wont be me telling her i am afraid. The messenger always gets shot-FACT

Big Bag of Chips

alphamayo5555 wrote: »

IF I was his wife, I'd want to know. Very unlikely you're the only woman he's done this to.

You don't have to go knocking on doors; very easy to send an anonymous letter or e-mail just to let her know... Could have come from anyone, not necessarily you!

Good luck with whatever you choose...

I don't know about anonymous letters.. here's a link to a thread on another board from a wife who has received one such anonymous letter, and doesn't know what to believe..

http://www.rollercoaster.ie/boards/mc.asp?ID=274665&G=12&forumdb=3

Unless it comes from OP saying "I am the girl" then it may not be taken seriously (an it certainly won't be anonymous!)

Anonymous letters from a stranger would hold less weight than the sworn word of our partners who we want to trust..

OP - to be honest, I wouldn't go near his wife. Chalk it down to experience and move on.. his wife may or may not find out of her own accord a little further down the line, or he will get careless and she will be told by someone closer to her, who she is more likely to believe.

But at the moment, she's not your concern.

I am a friend

Its doubly sick that his friend was in cohoots with him - you didnt stand a chance from the start then...

Try to not let it taint your view of men in general.. The ones you see out and about are, from experience, the ones who are on the look out but there are surely many, many happily married men at home...

weatherguy

Firstly, you are not thick nor stupid nor naieve.
You were taken in by a fraudster, a chancer.

I knew a few fellas who would try to pull this kind of stunt with single women.

They live in a dream world. They have wives or girlfriends but still need to 'pull' the women. It's an ego driven thing for them.

I've walked away from situations where married guys want to go over to a group of unsuspecting girls and chat them up in thehope of scoring with one of them.All charm.

Just go to Cafe en Seine or other such poseurs pubs any night in the week and you can spot these chancers a mile off.

Some guys just never mature and grow up and act responsibly.

If I were in your shoes, I would thank my lucky stars I didn't get involved any deeper. I know you are feeling embarrassed and rotten over what he has done to you emotionally. But you will realise in time you have had a very lucky escape.

It was NOT YOUR FAULT. You took this guy at face value, trusted him, opened up to him. 99% of girls would have done likewise. So, please don't beat yourself up over it.

And not matter how difficult this may be for you right now, try not to tarnish all guys with the same brush. The vast majority of us are honourble, decent men seeking longlasting love and affection with a lady.

Ps. an anonymous not to his wife highlighting her husband's infidelities might wake him up. After all, why should you go round shouldering the hurt and disgust this guy has foisted upon you?