I hate his friends

LegacyUser

I hate my boyfriend's circle of friends. They're racist, homophobic pigs. I am open-minded and accepting of all races and types of people as is my boyfriend. All of the people in his circle of friends are just awful. Can this ever work?

Most of our social life involves hanging out with his friends on weekends and going to the pub. I am not in my home country so don't have many friends here and I guess I'm not the most sociable person anyway, I'm not seeking friends. If I'm not out socialising with my bf I am happy to spend time alone and do my own thing.

I'm happy to go to the cinema, out for nice dinners and walks with my bf. We often do this during the week. My bf has been doing his best to spend time with just me on weekends also as he obviously knows I'm not a big fan of his friends, I've politely told him I don't agree with a lot of their opinions, but I feel it's unfair to take him away from his friends.

I think the main reason they're friends is because they are all from the same minority background, and all work in the same job area. But my bf is absolutely not like them otherwise. He's been friends with them for 10 or 15 years though so I don't feel I should get in his way if he wants to hang out with them..

Currently I'm thinking the best option is to spend one weekend with him, then he can go do his own thing the next where he hangs out with his friends and I can avoid them.

But in the long run, can this work? He's quite close to this circle of macho men, and why should my not liking them affect his relationship with them?

I am certain my bf is 'the one' for me, we are deeply in love and I know he would sacrifice ever seeing any of these friends again for me but I don't feel that's fair/right. I don't want to lose him because of his friends either but the thought of being married to him with children in 10 or 15 years and having people like his friends around our house, being so foul mouthed, well it's not very appealing..

Anyone been through similar?

IrishEyes19

pollypocket999 wrote: »

I hate my boyfriend's circle of friends. They're racist, homophobic pigs. I am open-minded and accepting of all races and types of people as is my boyfriend. All of the people in his circle of friends are just awful. Can this ever work?

Most of our social life involves hanging out with his friends on weekends and going to the pub. I am not in my home country so don't have many friends here and I guess I'm not the most sociable person anyway, I'm not seeking friends. If I'm not out socialising with my bf I am happy to spend time alone and do my own thing.

I'm happy to go to the cinema, out for nice dinners and walks with my bf. We often do this during the week. My bf has been doing his best to spend time with just me on weekends also as he obviously knows I'm not a big fan of his friends, I've politely told him I don't agree with a lot of their opinions, but I feel it's unfair to take him away from his friends.

I think the main reason they're friends is because they are all from the same minority background, and all work in the same job area. But my bf is absolutely not like them otherwise. He's been friends with them for 10 or 15 years though so I don't feel I should get in his way if he wants to hang out with them..

Currently I'm thinking the best option is to spend one weekend with him, then he can go do his own thing the next where he hangs out with his friends and I can avoid them.

But in the long run, can this work? He's quite close to this circle of macho men, and why should my not liking them affect his relationship with them?

I am certain my bf is 'the one' for me, we are deeply in love and I know he would sacrifice ever seeing any of these friends again for me but I don't feel that's fair/right. I don't want to lose him because of his friends either but the thought of being married to him with children in 10 or 15 years and having people like his friends around our house, being so foul mouthed, well it's not very appealing..

Anyone been through similar?

It's a tough one, OP, but you may have to bear it. As much as Im sure your BF wants you to believe it, I dont see him putting his friends away for a relationship and I think if you came between them, you could get some nasty home truths back at you, now or in the future if he ever sees them again.

Its something we often have to deal with in relationships, it probably would be a good idea to seperate yourself on certain weekends if they really annoy you that much, but as for having them in your home in the future, well he may grow out of his friendships with them, but he might not, if they have been friends for that long. It may be something you have to tolerate. I mean put yourself in his shoes, would you tell your girlfriends you cant hang out on weekends with them, because your bf didnt approve or not allow them in your home. Tricky situtation, but one you may have to keep quiet about. Unless they are of course rude or abusive towards you, that would be totally different.

LighterGuy

It is a tough one op.
There are various responses and things someone could point out. You know all the cliche things "birds of a feather flock together" - that he might be the same as his friends deep down. Or that he could be the type of guy who might put his friends first... its a topic thats open to personal opinion.


But when in a relationship the friends should always take a backseat to the partner. Its just the nature of life. Doesnt matter if the friends are liked by the partner or not. Generally speaking a person will always put the girlfriend / boyfriend above friends. As friends come and go. If you really do have an issue with his friends its best to stop being around them. Thats a definite thing you should do. He can still be friends to them, and he can also be a boyfriend to you. If this causes a problem ... thats not a good sign.

MissHoneyBun

pollypocket999 wrote: »

I hate my boyfriend's friends.

Good thing you're going out with him instead of his friends then isn't it!

Seriously, relax. We all encounter people we don't like, we just practice tolerance for the sake of those we do. Nobody's asking you to become bosom buddies with these people, just accept them for your boyfriend's sake. As I'm sure he'll do for you when he encounters people from your circle that he's not to fond of. It's called give and take.

How Strange

Op you don't say how long you're together but the longer the relationship the more you will spend time together rather than socialising with friends so he won't necessarily spend every weekend in the pub with them.

The dynamics of friendships definitely change as relationships develop so unless you're together for 2 yrs or more and he still goes out with the
boys every fri and sat night I wouldn't worry too much.

IrishEyes19

LighterGuy wrote: »

It is a tough one op.
There are various responses and things someone could point out. You know all the cliche things "birds of a feather flock together" - that he might be the same as his friends deep down. Or that he could be the type of guy who might put his friends first... its a topic thats open to personal opinion.


But when in a relationship the friends should always take a backseat to the partner. Its just the nature of life. Doesnt matter if the friends are liked by the partner or not. Generally speaking a person will always put the girlfriend / boyfriend above friends. As friends come and go. If you really do have an issue with his friends its best to stop being around them. Thats a definite thing you should do. He can still be friends to them, and he can also be a boyfriend to you. If this causes a problem ... thats not a good sign.

With all due respect to you, lighterguy, I dont agree at all. Unless its a long term relationship or bonded my marriage. Ive often heard the phrase, relationships come and go but friends are for life. I mean honestly, I value my friends so highly and right now, my best friend would be on an equal footing, especially considering Ive known her a great deal longer and trust her with my life. Having said that long term relationships and marriage is different, obviously the plan for a a family or commitment is there, but the OP, hasn't stated what state she is with her bf and I think its wrong to suggest that his friends get the backhand. I really dont agree. There actually nothing more annoying than friends changing because their OP doesnt approve if they go out, or who they can see, or wont come out ever because the OH wants to go out alone all the time with them

@OP, however I dont think you're like that all, OP, you clearly see that you dont want to stop him seeing them either. It can be tricky if you dont like his group of friends, especially if its all male orientated too, and pretty much lads time. I would suggest then you schedule other days with him, if it really bothers you. But as for now, I dont think there is much you can do about them coming over or him seeing them. They're his friends and it can become dangerous terrority if you start moaning about them. I personally wouldnt like if I blocked from seeing my friends because my OH didnt approve.

chainsaws

You have to ask yourself why your boyfriend is hanging around with these idiots.

He seems like a nice guy and he has the cop on to pick a nice girl like you.

In my experience 'macho' and 'homophobic' guys are usually extremely insecure - homophobia means only two things - closet homosexuals or guys who are rubbish with women and compensate by being homophobic.
Your boyfriend was probably insecure and anxious when he was younger and is growing out of that.
His friends clearly haven't.
Don't push the issue at all - go out with him and play mum when his friends are mouthing off - that's all it is - all mouth.

If they bring up homophobia again - ask them jokingly why they care so much about what gay people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms.

This video might give you some ammunition - an experiment which compared homophobic and non-homophobic 'heterosexual' men's responses to gay porn. The homophobic guys experience sexual arousal.:D

<snip>

LighterGuy

Altho we both phased it differently Irisheyes we came to the same advice that the op should just seperate his friends and her seeing him

find that balance between the both.