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Partner staying in ex's place

  • 23-10-2010 5:05pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    How would you girls feel if your partner was staying in his ex wife's house overnight? We're together 5 years and usually when he goes to collect his children he stays with a friend, they live in a fairly isolated area, this time however the friend is away and the ex invited him to stay in hers. I didn't know this when he was leaving, just text him to say "safe trip, hope "bob" has the room ready for you" and he replied that "bob" was out of town and he was staying overnight with the kids. I do trust him but it makes me pretty uneasy as it took him a long time to get over the end of the relationsip (she ended it) He maintains he was miserable for years but it was still a shock when she ended things. I never worry now about how he feels about her but this has just given me a bit of an icky feeling.. Just wondering what you guys and girls think.


Comments

  • #2
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    LittleUneasy wrote: »
    How would you girls feel if your partner was staying in his ex wife's house overnight? We're together 5 years and usually when he goes to collect his children he stays with a friend, they live in a fairly isolated area, this time however the friend is away and the ex invited him to stay in hers. I didn't know this when he was leaving, just text him to say "safe trip, hope "bob" has the room ready for you" and he replied that "bob" was out of town and he was staying overnight with the kids. I do trust him but it makes me pretty uneasy as it took him a long time to get over the end of the relationsip (she ended it) He maintains he was miserable for years but it was still a shock when she ended things. I never worry now about how he feels about her but this has just given me a bit of an icky feeling.. Just wondering what you guys and girls think.

    Let's face it, no one likes to hear this. However, what choice has he got? Its that or not see the kids, which as a stepmother you have to accept is going to come before your insecurities and feelings of ickyness.


  • #3
    Abi
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 ✭✭✭✭Abi


    LittleUneasy wrote: »
    How would you girls feel if your partner was staying in his ex wife's house overnight? We're together 5 years and usually when he goes to collect his children he stays with a friend, they live in a fairly isolated area, this time however the friend is away and the ex invited him to stay in hers. I didn't know this when he was leaving, just text him to say "safe trip, hope "bob" has the room ready for you" and he replied that "bob" was out of town and he was staying overnight with the kids. I do trust him but it makes me pretty uneasy as it took him a long time to get over the end of the relationsip (she ended it) He maintains he was miserable for years but it was still a shock when she ended things. I never worry now about how he feels about her but this has just given me a bit of an icky feeling.. Just wondering what you guys and girls think.

    You're just going to have trust him. As you said, he was in shock when she ended the relationship, coupled with the fact that they have children together, I'm sure he wasn't sure how to handle not coming home to them every night. I assume he's not going to make a habit of staying the night in the house, and it was just a one-off because his friend wasn't around.

    I don't really think you've anything to worry about here, he was straight up with you about it.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hey guys thanks for your replies,
    I do trust him, but as I said It's something I'm not entirely comfortable with,I understand there is absolutely no way around it and as such it's pointless feeling this way, but unfortunately I can't control my feelings. He told me where he was staying via text today after he'd left, he spoke to his friend last week and knew from then, I've started to think that the only reason he told me at all was because this kids are bound to mention it tomorrow.
    He's often like this, incredibly afraid of any kind of negative reaction/confrontation etc,, this has been a problem before as he'll omit information rather than risk "upsetting me" which frankly upsets me more as he ends up turning a little issue into a big deal. To be honest I think this is pissing me off more as love it or loathe it, I understand that the ex will always be in his life.


  • #5
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    LittleUneasy wrote: »
    Hey guys thanks for your replies,
    I do trust him, but as I said It's something I'm not entirely comfortable with,I understand there is absolutely no way around it and as such it's pointless feeling this way, but unfortunately I can't control my feelings. He told me where he was staying via text today after he'd left, he spoke to his friend last week and knew from then, I've started to think that the only reason he told me at all was because this kids are bound to mention it tomorrow.
    He's often like this, incredibly afraid of any kind of negative reaction/confrontation etc,, this has been a problem before as he'll omit information rather than risk "upsetting me" which frankly upsets me more as he ends up turning a little issue into a big deal. To be honest I think this is pissing me off more as love it or loathe it, I understand that the ex will always be in his life.

    Yeah, its tough. He knows it will upset you and so doesn't tell you. I can be a bit like this myself and it's not malice its fear.

    And there are always going to be situations that come up that really bring to the fore that the ex will always be in his life one way or another, even if she were dead, because of those children.


  • #6
    LighterGuy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,243 ✭✭✭LighterGuy


    You may trust him, but thats by no means to trust her.

    Remembers those words op.


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  • #7
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,253 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    LighterGuy wrote: »
    You may trust him, but thats by no means to trust her.

    Remembers those words op.
    I'd be more inclined to remember that if you believe the former of above, the latter won't mean a thing.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • #8
    How Strange
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,339 ✭✭✭How Strange


    I can understand why you're apprehensive but remember he did tell you, admitedly in such a way as to avoid an argument beforehand. Perhaps he feels torn in such situations because she is the mother of his kids and he has a history with her and you are his new partner. Also you say she made his life hell so perhaps he just doesn't want that kind of tension in your relationship.

    Op, as cautious as it makes you feel, I'd focus on the fact that he told you.

    I would however have a chat (not row) with him at dime stage about his fear of confrontation because sometimes in life a bit of confrontation and argument is a good thing.


  • #9
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    At least he told you. Some dont believe it or not.

    And it sounds like its all very amicable, so be thankful for that. There are a lot of blended families at war. So... you have it good.


  • #10
    padma
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,874 ✭✭✭padma


    My two cents,

    When I visit my kids I stay with my ex for two nights. Nothing happens or will ever happen. It is important for me to have a good relationship with my daughters mother. Girls I have been with find this an issue. It is there issue not mine. Sleeping in the same building as someone you used to go out with means nothing. Jealousy is a condition which I can't accept. Trust is the key here. If you trust your man, let it be, he is just being a good father and seeing his kids.


  • #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I would absolutely hate for my OH to be staying overnight at his ex's. This is why i would never date a man with baggage.

    You have chosen to be with a divorcee who has children so you have to be willing to deal with situations like this which will inevitably come along with it.

    Good luck! :)


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  • #12
    pollypocket10
    Closed Accounts Posts: 223 ✭✭pollypocket10


    padma wrote: »
    My two cents,

    When I visit my kids I stay with my ex for two nights. Nothing happens or will ever happen. It is important for me to have a good relationship with my daughters mother. Girls I have been with find this an issue. It is there issue not mine. Sleeping in the same building as someone you used to go out with means nothing. Jealousy is a condition which I can't accept. Trust is the key here. If you trust your man, let it be, he is just being a good father and seeing his kids.

    Surely you can understand why they'd have an issue with this? It's not jealousy at all, in any other circumstance sleeping over at your ex's would be completely out of the question so you can see why this would make a partner insecure. Insecurity is something that EVERYONE suffers from to some extent & I think your partner staying at their ex's regularly would put anyone to the test. Especially the like it or lump it attitude.

    OP in situations like this I think they key thing you need to consider is weather your partnered respected how you might feel in this. For example is he staying at his ex's on a once off because there was just no other alternative this time? Could he have brought the kids home to stay with him, could he have stayed at a B&B? If not then obviously his priority has to be to see the kids and he has to endure what is also probably an awkward situation for him also so I would let it go


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