Problem with person at voluntary position

LegacyUser

Ok, I volunteer for a charity which helps young people (14-21) develop life skills.
these would be people from what could be called unstable family environments.
We teach them basic things, how to iron a shirt, how to cook for themselves, how to make a C.V. how to do simple homework problems, how to do interviews for jobs, how to pick a college course that suits them, stuff like that.

anyway, I am a mid twenties male and I only work with other males (guy work with guys, girls with girls, how the charity works), but during certain things, maybe once a week, all of us come together for activities, just hanging out etc. the problem is there is a girl who gets help from the charity who has decided she is going to seduce me.
She got my number somehow and started texting me, wouldnt say who it was but seemed to know a lot about me so I assumed it was just a friend messing around, started getting really sexual texts this number, so i assumed maybe it was an ex or some of the lads taking the piss. so I didn't think a whole lot of it. eventually she told me it was her and told me she was going to sleep with me and there was nothing i could do about it. i told her to stop, i wasn't comfortable with this and that it was unethical and illegal (she is 16).

So I went to my superior in the charity and told her, showed her the texts and told her i wanted to make sure we weren't in situations where myself and this girl would be left alone as i wasnt comfortable about it and if at all possible could i avoid all events where she would be present.
Anyway, it stopped, for like 3 maybe 4 weeks and then she started phoning me off a private number and begging me not to hang up , but it just hang up and turn my phone off (was usually late at night). Told superior again, she had a word again and it stopped again.

About 4 weeks after this I get a picture message on my phone from an unknown number of a girl from the neck down in nothing but a bra and panties, I instantly thought it was her, phoned my superior and showed her the picture and the number, she checked the number and it was the girls alternate mobile number (apparently a lot of kids have 2 meteor sims, one with free calls to all meteor numbers and one with tree texts to all networks, i didnt realise). she phoned her straight away and attempted to sort it out. She sent me 9 more pictures all of her in provocative clothing. I changed my number and we changed our timetables completely so that I wouldnt have to interact with this girl at all.

Now that's all well and good. But, somehow, 7 days later, she got my new number and has started texting me again, i didnt reply, and after 5 unreplied texts she tried to phone me, i stupidly answered and told her to please stop contacting me, she started crying (or pretending to) and say something along of the lines of "I won't give up, you can't pretend you're not in lvoe with me" so I phoned my superior again and told her I can't be involved with the charity at all any more, this was too much, this girl was causing me to had panic attacks and it would be easier if I just left the charity. she begged me not to go, told me she'd deal with the girl, talk to her parents etc. All seemed to be going fine again until last night, when I was out with friends, she walked up to me in a bar in the city and put her hands around my eyes from behind (like the "guess who" thing), turned me around while I was saying random names of girls I knew trying to guess who I was and then she took her hands away and tried to kiss me. I pulled away and ran out of the pub. Friends followed me telling me I was mad, she was gorgeous etc, I told them she was 16, they couldn't believe me, I told them everything and they agreed we should call it a night and we all shared a cab home.

Anyway, this was at like midnight last night. I phoned my superior this morning and told her what happened and she has asked me to come into the office tomorrow and meet the girls parents and another lad I work with and talk to them all. She doesn't want me to leave my voluntary position as ht nature of the position is to build relationships with the kids we work with and it would be better for them if I stayed, but she also couldn't exclude the girl without telling her parents what was going on fully. I agreed.

2 hours later (noon today) this girl walks up to me and one of the girls from the office in the city center and tries to give me a big hug, as if the night before hadn't happened. As if it was normal and I move away and she tries to grab my hand to hold it. She was with 3 friends, all of them in their school clothes and she's acting as if I was her boyfriend or something. It freaked me out completely. the girl from the office who was with me was stunned, she had only heard that the young girl has a crush on one of the volunteer staff and not that she was being this aggressive.

Apparently my superior was brushing this off as some sort of infatuation and hoping it would go away rather than actually dealing with it and the totla of her efforts to resolve it to date had involved a 3 minute conversation with the younger girl during which she told her "cop on, you know he's told old for you".

Should I even bother attending this meeting tomorrow or should I just wash my hands of the whole thing, leave my voluntary position and change my phone number (again) or should I go to this meeting and do it the by the book way?

the only reason I'm even considering going tomorrow is in case it escalates even further and I have to get the police involved and this girl then tries to claim that I chased her or was in any way acting inappropriately towards her, in which case it could get very messy?

What the hell do I do?


I still have all the texts she ever sent me, except for the picture messages which i deleted the second I'd showed it to my superior as they freaked me out way too much. the texts are all on my old phone and my current phone but I still have them incase I need them from proof or somehting.

I know I need to change my number, again, and am doing so tomorrow. but what else can I do to keep this as legit as possible? How do I make sure this doesn't end badly for either of us? I don't want this girl to loose access to the support services offered by the organisation I volunteered for because from what I know of her, her home life is extremely messed up, history of physical and possibly sexual abuse, acoholic mother, no real parental figures at all by the sounds of things and she is exactly the type of person the cahrity aims to help, but the other worry is that even if it stops now and she settles down, she could start this again in a few months with another volunteer?

Also, I, myself, do not want to leave my position in the charity, I currently help about half a dozen young men with various things, I have built relationships with them over tha last 9 months and it would all be totally wasted. some of them find ti extremely hard to trust anyone and I am afraid that if I was to leave the position one of two of them might stop taking advantage of the resource entirely and might end up back to square one.


so yeah, what the hell do I do? how do I deal with this?

iguana

Wow, that's a tough one. First off I think you do need to go to the meeting. There is a chance that this could escalate and you should have a clear record of doing everything by the book. You've done everything right so far and even though your supervisor hasn't, it's clear that you have.

I don't want to be alarmist but it's possible that the girl could start making accusations against you, that you initiated this, that you were having a relationship, etc. If you aren't at the meeting today and she feels cornered she may start making things up. So even though you are the one being harassed you really need to be mindful of protecting yourself every step of the way.

As for your future with the charity it is awkward. I'd want to leave as this whole thing sounds so stressful but I can see why you don't want to due to the young guys you have been working with. Perhaps take your time in making a decision on that front, see what happens today and maybe take a few weeks off to decide what you want to do. Tbh, I think the girl in question probably needs more intensive intervention than that which this organisation provides. Hopefully this meeting may start that ball rolling.

OS119

i'd agree with Iguana absolutely - with a vunerable girl this could explode like a sh1t bomb, and you'd want to be absolutely watertight and to be seen to be absolutely whiter than white..

my advice would also be to go to the meeting, but i'd suggest taking a Solicitor with you. the fundamental problem you have is that the Charity manager has failed on two coints - she's not adressed the issue of the girl, hoping it would just go away, and she's taken no steps to ensure that your personal details (mobile number, probaby landline, maybe address?) stay private - at least from this girl - and they've done it repeatedly, knowing that it was sensitive, and knowing that whatever data-handling process they used had already failed.

a solicitor might sound like overkill and be expensive - but compared to the problems you're going to face if this all goes badly its the steal of the century, and moreover, if it does go bad, its going to be too late to recover from it.

and then i'd run a mile from this charity, change all your numbers, your email addresses, and if you can, i'd move. nothing sticks like rumours of abusing young girls whether true or demonstratably untrue, and you wanna be a long way away when this girl blames you as a defence against making herself look like an idiot.

LegacyUser

She is harassing you. Go to the gardai straight away.

foxinsox

I would agree with the two posters above ^^

I don't want to scare you but I do think you should be very careful..
I think you should go to the meeting.

Make sure you have copies of any documentation used at the meeting.

Print out your post here and write down every detail.

A solicitor would be great...

If you can't afford one (no offence meant) I would suggest that you defnitely bring a witness... Is there someone you could bring with you? Who can be there to listen and take notes if needed..

Even get a mate to put on a good suit and just introduce him as your witness... no details needed..

Just cover all the bases.... be prepared.

Best of luck with the meeting

Delancey

A B C D E F - Always Be Covered Don't Ever Forget.

Follow the advice already given - make a record of everything that has happened - this could go seriously 'pear-shaped' on you and you need to be covered from all angles.

Moomoo1

unfortunately there's always a risk of this happening in this sort of line of work. I take it she is quite good-looking and as a result isn't used to getting no for an answer. So it became a personal crusade. Most likely trying to impress her friends as well. Wouldn't surprise me either if there is history between her and other guys who work for your charity (how does she get all those numbers of yours otherwise?).

I am just wondering... would it be possible for you just to work with the guys and not attend the events involving girls? I don't see any point leaving, this won't stop her chasing you. I think the supervisor can't do much here either except kick her out, but of course she will keep doing what she is doing even if that happens. You should of course attend all the meetings to keep it by the book.

LighterGuy

Whoa sh*t storm or what.

I fear this getting really out of control op. This 16yo girl is really bad news. Yes you feel like you want to help others, even her to a degree as you feel she needs the aid the charity offers her.... but start thinking about yourself here!!!!

I wouldnt be suprised if she turns around and says you felt her up or something. Shes got emotional issues. Yes dont get me wrong, its sad. But you are dealing with fire here. She is eventually going to wake up to things then all this is going to turn nasty.

Go to that meeting - and you got to put every thing on the table. If I were you I would mention that this is gone to far, and there is a serious danger of things getting more messy when she finally gets the picture. I'd be blatant and say that when she gets the picture she could make certain sexual accusations. Its being pre-emptive mate.

And besides mate you know how people are in this world. Quick to believe the bad in someone. She starts saying stuff (as she will) people will believe. Illregardless of what they say to your face.

LegacyUser

Go to the meeting. Don't even contemplate not going. If you don't attend you'll basically be communicating that the situation really isn't as big a deal as it is to you. Go and bring your old phones etc. Document everything that's happened thus far and bring it with you.

What's more unfair is that if she's a gorgeous looking girl, and looks like she's 19/20, people will be even MORE likely to believe her if she starts making up rubbish. Example; when I was in sixth year in school, I'd problems with a female teacher, mundane kind of stuff, but it necessitated maybe 7/8 visits to the vice-principal's office. I was considered one of the hot girls in sixth year and he was about 35 and quite attractive. Some bitchy girls in my year started saying we were having an affair, hence all the visits to his office. Obviously I refuted it and was very upset but the allegation stuck to him like mud. He never met with any female student again without a female staff member present and my mother and I were called in to be apologised to re; the rumours, even though she and I both felt it was totally unnecessary. I ended up getting 600 in the leaving but yet 9 years later, people still ask if I'm the girl who slept with the vice-principal.

This WON'T go away unless you deal with it. I understand your dilemma about the trust you've built up with the young lads you've mentored, but you need to be a bit selfish.

It sounds like a very unprofessional set-up. That girl is not to blame. She's had a harrowing life and probably feels as though all her worth is tied up in her looks and sexuality. The fact that your superior did not express to the girl the seriousness of the situation or give her guidance is disgraceful.

JuliusCaesar

Sounds like your superior's manager needs to be there too!
If your superior doesn't handle this in a satisfactory way at this meeting, you need to talk to his/her manager.

Moomoo1

goinganonymous wrote: »

I ended up getting 600 in the leaving but yet 9 years later, people still ask if I'm the girl who slept with the vice-principal.

This WON'T go away unless you deal with it. I understand your dilemma about the trust you've built up with the young lads you've mentored, but you need to be a bit selfish.

tbh, these sorts of vicious rumours aren't nearly as much of a problem for guys as they are for girls. So I wouldn't leave because of _that_, only in case there was legal trouble heading for my head due to the said false rumours.

he could very easily be barred from working with young people even if he isn't convicted of anything

Chuchoter

OP you need to be insanely, insanely careful. Do not delete anything, even anything you sent. Get your boss to put in writing that you spoke to her about the situation and showed her the texts/pictures etc. Definitely go to the meeting, have all the evidence you need. Is there any way you can undelete those pictures? If so do. If necessary get the gards or a solicitor involved, then cut all ties with this charity.

MysticalSoul

Definitely go to the meeting, and the person in the office who witnessed how the girl was with you, is there any way you could ask her to come along.

I would encourage you to have 2 mobiles - one for personal use, and one for the voluntary work, and in that way, you can turn off the voluntary one after a certain time, and perhaps tell the people you are helping at the charity this too.

I applaud you though, as from what you have written here, you have handled this situation remarkably well.

Also, might be worth editing the original post, as if that girl is on here, she may realise that this is about her, and could end up being more of an awkward situation.

FoxT

OP
- for your commitment to a charity
- for your complete openness & honesty with your 'superiors'
- and for acting at all times with probity,

I salute you.Well done.

You are in a very difficult position. You want to continue working for this charity, you have built up relationships with troubled people & are helping them, and if you leave it will take a long time for those relationships to be restored.

But, there is no doubt that you are in danger. You have been receiving unsolicited sexual advances from an underage girl. There is an implication that her emotional stability is questionable. The doomsday scenario here is that you find yourself at the sharp end of a rape case, or similar. ( that is a custodial sentence, as far as I know)

In the short term you need to keep a paper record of every message you receive from this person.This is time consuming, and a pain, but is necessary.You need to share this paper record with at least 2 other people. One of them needs to be in the charity. I think that the second witness should be a garda. The girl and her parents / guardians should be informed that you are doing this. I suggest that you also tell other people informally 'I have this girl who is harassing me ' And you should be shouting this from the rooftops. Tell your family, friends, acquaintances - being open about this is in your interest - in extremis means you have witnesses if you need them.

Finally,and most importantly, you should take legal advice. Ideally your charity should pay for this, because you are at risk through your work with them.If they will not pay, then pay yourself. I for one would be happy to make a contribution if required.

Take care,

- FoxT