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New Song: "Our Never Had Romance" - Ó Cárthaigh / Schroeter

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    #2
    dawvee
    Closed Accounts Posts: 122 ✭✭dawvee


    Parts of this read like they were written by Yoda. Speak plainly. Inverted sentence structures don't scan well. They make the phrase more difficult to parse, thus draining the line's meaning and impact. You should be crafting your phrases so they fit naturally into your rhyme and meter without having to jumble the words to make them fit.

    Edit: I have my sound off, so I didn't hear the music, so I'd just read it as a poem.


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    #3
    tomasocarthaigh
    Registered Users Posts: 221 ✭✭tomasocarthaigh


    dawvee wrote: »
    Parts of this read like they were written by Yoda. Speak plainly. Inverted sentence structures don't scan well. They make the phrase more difficult to parse, thus draining the line's meaning and impact. You should be crafting your phrases so they fit naturally into your rhyme and meter without having to jumble the words to make them fit.

    Edit: I have my sound off, so I didn't hear the music, so I'd just read it as a poem.

    Inverted sentence structure is used citing poetic licence as an excuse, and also the fact that Hiberno-English as a dialect that we speak often features such structures as opposed to Queens English.

    The lyric was written with music as opposed to reading in mind... and Guillherme put music to it. Whenever you have the chance to listen to it give it a beryl.

    However, I appreciate your feedback, and while a tad harsh (Yoda!!!), its welcome.

    Yours in StarWarsesque Poetry

    Tomás!!!

    yoda.jpg

    It looks a tad like me and all on a Monday morning... you like my glow in the dark and light Sabre Quill? Made by Cross in their factory in Ballinasloe during the 80's!!!!


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