final image

LegacyUser

My brother died at the start of August and I went to see his body. I have seen a body before,but this experience has disturbed me no end, due to it being someone I was so close to and so young as well.

He had been dead for 9 days by then and had had an autopsy, so I will spare the details but say that it was not a good sight to see.

Since then all I can see in my mind is that last image and it is driving me mad. Why can't I think of anything else. Did this happen to anyone else? Will it ever end? I cannot think of any happy memories, maybe because it is too soon, or just too painful.

LegacyUser

Is there anybody you're close to whom you can talk to? It's not nice to see a dead body, and when it's family, the shock is unreal. Talk it out with someone you trust, don't keep this to yourself. There's no right way or wrong way to grieve, everybody is different. Personally, with deaths in my family, I fixated on unusual things. I don't know why I did, maybe I did it to deflect my attention from the real issue at hand-that I'd lost someone close and dear to me, and that I'd never see them again.

Grief can be a rocky road-some days you feel good, other days you feel bad. There will be a point in the future though when you suddenly realise the good days outnumber the bad.

Good luck

sashafierce

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banie01

First off, My condolences on your loss.
Seeing the body of a loved one prepared for burial is never ever an easy experience.
I've had to do it too many times over the years but although the final image of the person you love laid out is and enduring and oft time traumatic image.....I take comfort in the fact that I was saying goodbye to the shell that carried them in life.

Now don't pick me up wrong, I am not religious or spiritual indeed I am far from it. Its just that for me, the person will always live on in my memories, in the chats and reminisces I share with friends and family, In the pangs of loneliness that strike all to often when you turn expecting to share a story or a smile and realise they aren't there...

That is where the ritual of death, The laying out, the wake and so on can help.
The brain is great at ignoring bad news and lets be honest who hasn't lost someone and tried to ignore it? Something along the lines of not facing the loss and acting as if they are away, maybe for work out of sight but not out of mind and thinking like that doesn't do ones mental health much good and puts off the dealing with the grief, which is very unhealthy in the long term.

When you close your eyes and think of the person you lost soon after the death, often it is the funeral/lain out image that comes to mind.....Its going to sound a bit glib but don't focus on remembering your brothers face....

Remember the last good time ye had together, or something crazy that ye did as kids....Its hard esp as you remember what you've lost all the more, but remembering them happy and smiling will bring those images to the front of your mind and hopefully displace the ones you find so disturbing

UpCork

That must have been a terrible experience for you OP.

I remember when I was younger, I was terrified at the idea of seeing a dead body. My grandfather died when I was four, and rightly, my Mother decided I was too young to go into the main part of the funeral home to see him laid out. When an uncle of my Mother's died and several other members of the extended family, I didn't go and see them laid out. I was too scared.
I always remember my Aunt saying to me that it gives you a sense of closure to see the body. I can understand how this may not be the case if the person has been ill and didn't look themselves, or if some time has passed between the death and viewing. When my grandmother died, I was an adult and therefore couldn't hide down the end of the funeral home at her removal, so I had to face it and I was fine. She looked so at peace and content that it didn't scare me. I do sometimes think of her laid out in the coffin, but luckily with time I have managed to get past that image and think of her when she was at her best. It will come with time, especially when the first wave of grief subsides

Deki

perhaps if you got out some photos of your brother where he is happy and maybe some where the two of you are enjoying good times. perhaps you will be able to focus on those images and forget the funeral ones. I am very sorry that you have lost your brother, My thoughts are with you.

Fittle

Firstly, my condolences OP - you've had such a tragedy in your life.

I've said this on a couple of other bereavement threads, and time is what will make this better for you. That's it, just time, nothing else.

Both my parents died a while back, and I saw both of them laid out in the funeral home - my mum I saw in the morgue of the hospital a few hours after she'd died. For months, that's all I could think about - that was my only image of her - and the fact that she had her 'off white' nightdress on her, and she would have hated that so many people saw her in that:(

The brain has an uncanny way of living and re-living the very last time you see a loved one - I've no clue why. But I did exactly what the poster on here just said - I took out loads of photos, I read letters she wrote me while i lived abroad - and slowly but surely, my memories of her changed and i can honestly say, I rarely think of her in that morgue anymore. Except of course, for now, because i'm writing about it.

Just give yourself time OP - what a tragedy to lose someone who's young - my thoughts are with you and your family.
Take care.

Darthhoob

awww OP

i too lost my brother recently, 17th sept he was found dead, they think he died 2 days before that....i saw him before they took him away...and i saw him again at a viewing two weeks later...after 2 autopsies and tests etc...he looked 'better' at the viewing...but not very natural. the same with my mum, i watched her die for 20 hours on her hospital bed...and was much 'nicer', more peaceful to see her at the viewing a week later...think it was the first time she wore makeup! lol

my advice would be to get some nice pictures of him and try and concentrate on the good memories of him, that's what i am trying to do...i have his picture from his funeral on my desk now, and he looks so happy...it was taken when we were on holiday together last year, he found a doctor who photo booth (he was a big fan lol) and dragged my then 7 year old in there with him...was the photo that made me realise how alike they look ofc being his funeral booklet pic my son is not on there...i put the original in the coffin with him with a message from my son...but have copies of it and look at it from tie to time. i also got a lock of his hair to keep, and i have a memorium book filled with photos of all his flowers and lovely messages from people who attended his funeral. i can't say i feel great, i still haven't really been abel to let go since he died as we dont know what he died from yet, he was only 40 and seemed to die whilst napping, but i think about the good things x it is hard at times and i still think about the 'last time i saw him' but it was just his body not him, the last REAL time i saw HIM was a couple of weeks before when he took my son swimming...then came round and had baked potato, watched tv, talked doctor who with my geek of an OH, got licked to death by my new dog (first and last time they met) and saying...see you later bruv x

sorry to go on and on lol, i'm tired and a bit emotional now. i hope you are able to remember your brother in the way he would have wanted you to x

bellx1

So sorry to hear this and I hope you are in some way ok.

Yes, they do tend to look "different".

Personaly, try and keep your own memories alive. Don't let the last image take over. Think of the last time you saw him laugh/smile/joke...or just be him, you know.
I know all is easier said than done but please for your own sake - don't remember him like that - think of him when he was with with you, picture that everytime if you can.

convert

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss, OP, and I completely understand what you're going through. My aunt died in July when I was on my way to the hospital to see her (her friend had been in an hour before, and she was quite well, but she just died very quickly), so I was the first family member to get there after she died.

I had to go into the room with her on my own (apart from one pastrol care staff member), and it was awful. She looked so sick and unwell that it really upset and shocked me, even though she hadn't looked like herself for about a year (she'd lost a lot of weight and had gone through hell with chemo) and despite the fact that I'd have seen quite a few bodies before, including close family members. It really was awful. And worse still, I was there on my own without any support for between 90 minutes and two hours before any family could get to me. So I completely empathise with you OP.

However, at the funeral a few people brought photos of her when she was in full health and it really helped, and even though I won't forget that day in the hospital, having photos of her before she got sick really helped, and that's now how I remember her, not as she was in the hospital (although I don't think you'll ever forget seeing someone you love when they're dead - and it's probably better not to try).

Also, as others have said, try and think of happy memories you have of him; looking at old photos and videos will help.

However, don't expect this to come quickly - you're still mourning for your brother, which is completely natural, and you will need some time to grieve for your him, but it will get easier. It's about 14 weeks since my aunt died, and it has gotten easier for me to picture her when she was alive rather than as she was in the hospital.

My mam died in August this year also. I dropped her off at hospital for ' routine ' procedure, and was told to pick her up in an hour. My Ma never came out of the room alive. I had to go and identify her body, with a guard, in the room where she died. Wasnt even a surgical room.
She looked so so different from the woman I dropped off that morning. She looked bruised and battered from all the CPR they performed. Massive blood loss. The nurse had to go clean the room before letting me in. But I could still still signs everywhere. There was on track on the floor, looked like a figure 8 where she wiped it with a cloth. Blood all over the staffs aprons. Horrific. There are so many things that haunt me, I too have horrible images in my head. Last thing at night, they are the images I see. Have nightmares too.
People say time heals. I , and yourself, just have to try keep believing it.
I try to keep busy by researching how she died, constantly on Medical Forums etc looking for answers. Ive become a bit rabid about it too. Sometimes saying up for hours trying to learn about certain Medical Procedures. I figure in order to get answers, I must first learn the right questions to ask.


Im so sorry for you, and just wish you the best.Im sorry I dont have any answers for you.

Kind regards,

LegacyUser

Thanks for peoples messages.

It's coming up to 4 months now since he died suddenly, and the image is still there, but not as strongly.I am sleeping a bit better at night. The only thing I torment myself with and have no idea why I do it, is when my young son is asleep, I try to see my brother's face, but because little one is asleep and so still, it brings back the image! I try to walk away, but I find it very hard. He doesn't look like his Uncle, but there is something about the turn of his head and the hair on the pillow. I feel haunted.I think I must be a bit disturbed to do this too, but it's like I can't stop myself.

Like everyone else, Christmas is going to be especially hard this year. I have lost a beloved Aunty to cancer too in March, and that was awful, but at least I got to say goodbye to her in the hospital, heartbreaking though it was, but with my brother it happened too soon and he was too young. I feel that I will never get over this. Still can't think of anything happy, it's all so painful.

sashafierce

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Darthhoob

devastated wrote: »

Thanks for peoples messages.

It's coming up to 4 months now since he died suddenly, and the image is still there, but not as strongly.I am sleeping a bit better at night. The only thing I torment myself with and have no idea why I do it, is when my young son is asleep, I try to see my brother's face, but because little one is asleep and so still, it brings back the image! I try to walk away, but I find it very hard. He doesn't look like his Uncle, but there is something about the turn of his head and the hair on the pillow. I feel haunted.I think I must be a bit disturbed to do this too, but it's like I can't stop myself.

Like everyone else, Christmas is going to be especially hard this year. I have lost a beloved Aunty to cancer too in March, and that was awful, but at least I got to say goodbye to her in the hospital, heartbreaking though it was, but with my brother it happened too soon and he was too young. I feel that I will never get over this. Still can't think of anything happy, it's all so painful.

i do that with my eldest son hun, he does look alot like my brother too...32 years younger mind lol. he also sleeps in the same position my brother was found in. and so it does 'torment' me too. i dont do this often...as my eldest has autism and ADHD and so doesn;t sleep much lol. but i find myself doing it on those occassions he is alseep...and i am often awake (like now) lately...since just before christmas my brother's death hit me and now i'm struggling to have any kind of 'normal' pattern in life. new years day was the worst...i went a bit barmy on that day...at the prospect of 2011 being without my brother.

i thin it may be a while yet before you think of happy things and find them happy? i know it took a while when my mum died but you DO eventually mange it x