mother problems - unwelcome at home but asked to visit

thefeatheredcat

Over the last few years my siblings and my dad all came to me over time with issues and concerns with my mother regarding her behaviour and with the support of my dad I, being the one that lives away from home, ended up being the one to confront her about it. Instead of everyone else (especially my dad) being in the dog house, I am. That was a few months ago when it happened when I was visiting my folks house. It turned into a huge fight between her and I.

The days afterwards were horrible where she was very childish and would leave the room when I entered, avoid me as much as possible, wouldn't sit in the car with me, gave me the silent treatment, wouldn't look at me or talk to me. She told me under no certain terms was I allowed to move back home (even though I hadn't yet asked) as had lost my job over a year ago and was at the time, very depressed and under treatment and suffering from exhaustion. She hasn't spoken to me since, has shown no interest in doing so, and previous to that she used to call or would talk to me when my dad had called and be interested in visiting me.

I'm in a situation where my dad has been asking when I'm coming home again, (as has been doing so ever since I was last there) as it's coming up to my birthday; my sister has been putting pressure on me too. However, my mother made me feel most unwelcome in the family home and made being there very difficult.

I lost a lot of confidence due to other personal difficulties with people in my life and while I've most of it back, I don't know if I can cope being around my mother just for the sake of it; the thought of being in that toxic atmosphere between us is stressing me out already and I know in speaking up or against her will cause major conflict again, as she has a habit of looking for fights, which I don't have the energy or mental strength for.

At the same time I know both my dad and my sister (and her kids) are going to be hurt that I don't and disappointed in me and both are pressuring me to come home, even though I'm not welcome by my mother.

Any advice?

Blatter

Best thing to improve this situation would obviously to sort out this problem between you and your Mother. You don't need me to tell you that. Could you by any chance tell us the story as to why you and your Mother fell out? We can then advise you on how to repair that problem, which would go along way to solving your current predicament. Btw, don't be afraid to go into detail about what went on between you and your Mother, we won't judge you. We will only offer you helpful advice.

LegacyUser

Yup, you appear to have yourself one toxic mum! I am more than familiar with the arguement that you just cannot win. Believe me you have my sympathies.

You are not responsible for other peoples feeling in this situation, your dad asked you for help , you stepped in to support him and he in turn let you down. Personally I was in a similiar situation and informed my family that if they were not going to support me then I refused to stay in the family home. (Was so bad that I was badly assaulted by my mum during my leaving cert).


For close on two years I never stayed in the family home, and stayed with a close relative for the odd wkd. Is this something you could do? This way you can meet up with your family and not deal with your mums attitude.

My mum has a clear message from me that if she misbehaves then I walk. The last taboo in this country is that of the abusive mother. Yo have my sympathies OP.

thefeatheredcat

I know that's the obvious thing indeed....

basically the confrontation was regarding her behaviour - for a long time she's been very moody, very hot and cold, one minute fine and then next in a strop (without any obvious reason) having clashes with one of my brothers that lives at home but often going out of her way to antagonise him to provoke a reaction (I witnessed this myself), being emotionally abusive to my dad, shutting herself away in the house all day every day watching tv, would never leave the house unless practically dragged out by my dad, if my parents were invited to something she'd refuse to go, she wouldn't speak to any of my dad's friends and anytime he had an opinion she wouldn't acknowledge it and would storm off in a huff giving my dad the silent treatment (the same went for the rest of us too). These are just some things covered....

It was a very emotional confrontation and very difficult on us all. And all my siblings and I were very worried if she was depressed and unhappy in life. It had been going on a long time all of us talking about it in concern, but nobody was willing to just come out with it.

I understand that some of the things were hurtful for her to hear, but it was all true. So it's not like I can just apologise for it and take it back; it was needed to be said, even my dad said so afterwards.

Taltos

Gosh - I am not sure who to be more annoyed with here FC.

Your mum - for continuing to act the way she has and for proving the others concerns to be more than true
or
The rest of your family - they knew that you had lost your job, assuming they knew you were in the midst of depression and yet they were
a) so cowardly to get you to do their dirty work
b) did NOT back you up one little bit

You know - I would be raging with the lot of them.

I've said it before - there are toxic families out there - all to varying degrees. Luckily for me I married into one - oh the flaming joys.

There is no magic bullet for this FC. But - you do have quite a few options some of which I will try to list - do NOT feel rushed by anyone into making a decision one way or another. If they cannot respect that you need more time especially now... Well enough said.

1) Try to clear the air with your mother - this is going to be difficult. Sounds like she has dug her heels in and there is a good chance that anything you say now will be ignored or worse anything you have ever said will be twisted back to try to break you...
2) Arrange to meet the family at a neutral location - cafe etc. Might work - in that your mum might be able to get an excuse not to come. If she does - expect sniping - just don't respond.
3) Meet with your father and other family members now.... This is a toughie - and for this to work - you will have to put on a shell of steel, it also carries risks...
> Start out slowly - no blame - remind them of when they came to you.
> Walk them thru what happened with your mum.
> Calmly and without blame (tough part) explain how hurt your felt with her replies and how alone you felt with NO-ONE (ie them) there to support you.
> Also explain the effect this has been having on you - banished from home, lost the last cornerstone of your childhood - feel abandoned by those that were meant to be there for you as you were there for them.
> Now - ask them for their help. They have to repair what their cowardice did to your relationship.

At the end of the day - for your birthday - separate to above - ask yourself this one simple question.
Q) If you go home - will you enjoy that day?
A1) Yes - then go.
A2) No - well then stay the feck away....

Best of luck FC, hope you find a way to work through this.

crabfeet

You should refuse to have anything to do with them umntil your mother apologises. They got you into this emss and it is up to them to get you out. Why go through all the strees of more cold shoulder from your mother just to please them?

Big Bag of Chips

Your family used you.
They ALL came to you individually and asked you to say something, admitting that they didn't want to say anything, because they didn't want to have to put up the aftermath.

But yet are very happy to let you go it alone.

You need to speak to your family. Tell them that you feel let down by them. That you didn't mind saying what needed to be said, but you expected some support from them - as they were the ones who came to you in the first place.

Very very shabby of your family to be honest.

LegacyUser

From your description Op, your mother sounds seriously depressed. My own mother has clinical depression and it affects the whole family. If I was you I'd try to talk to her. There is no way she is thinking rationally, she may need to speak to someone. Hope you two can be there for each other eventually.

thefeatheredcat

Thanks all for your replies and advice...

A couple of things I should clarify though, this was over many years while I was living away (and still am), during a time when all my siblings moved back closer to home, so it's not something that happened overnight with them coming to me with concerns. Because I wasn't around much it was only when I was visiting my folks and siblings that I got any truth of what was going on. My sister and I and my eldest brother and I separately had conversations on the phone and in person regarding my mother. My sister did approach things with her, that I know for fact and got nowhere and that was in the last year. My dad only talked about it when in the car alone with me about things at home in general.

However, nobody seemed to be able to reach her. My sister had long ago been in the dog house with her which is why she tried. The younger of my brothers just deals with it (and we've all had our concerns about him too) by avoiding her as much as possible. My dad treads on eggshells between my brother and my mother and has been doing so for a few years....if my mother antagonises my brother he always reacts. And it's weird to see when she's not around he's grand to chat to, but around her he's in fowl humour. I know the solution for him is to move out but his own confidence and self esteem has been worn down and has a clatter of problems of his own. My dad wants to keep the peace as much as possible and often bites his tongue to avoid conflict (which is a problem in itself).

At the time of the confrontation there was only my dad, my mother and I present. It wasn't planned or discussed, it just happened. I don't attribute blame to anyone regarding it or for lack of support at the time as they actually didn't know about it. It was just that I couldn't let her away with her behaviour any longer and I could see clearly while I was there how it effected everyone around her, and the worst was how it seemed to effect my dad in different ways. It effected me while I was there and that was only a short stay; it just seemed to have gone on too long where the others did make attempts over time, just not to the same extreme I did.

My dad wants to keep the family together - he's seen it happen in his family (parents and siblings, cousins) and to his friends when fallouts happen and he doesn't want that. Neither do I.

But at the same time I don't know how to approach it. I don't want to avoid going home altogether as this would be torture on my dad and isn't going to help things. Although it would send a clear message to my mother, but I wouldn't be able to cope with hurting my dad and on that day I'd only be feeling guilt with hurting him. He's been through enough with things with my sister when she wasn't allowed near the family home.

The irony is that since this happened, my mother has been much nicer to my sister recently and more welcoming to her than ever which has surprised my sister a bit. I don't know if that's a direct result of the confrontation and my mother coming to terms with what I said, or just a transference of my sister being in the doghouse to me being in the doghouse instead.

Part of me really wants to go back and try and sort things out, if not to only just test the waters for Christmas and see how things have been since I was last there. Because I genuinely have no idea how things have been really like and it's only when at home I can get a real grasp of what things are like.

LegacyUser

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

for a long time she's been very moody, very hot and cold, one minute fine and then next in a strop (without any obvious reason) having clashes with one of my brothers that lives at home but often going out of her way to antagonise him to provoke a reaction (I witnessed this myself), being emotionally abusive to my dad, shutting herself away in the house all day every day watching tv, would never leave the house unless practically dragged out

OP, don't you think she needs medical/psychiatric help? Nobody chooses to be like this, there's something wrong.

Can't you get the others together and get her to the doctor? Make sure one of you speaks to the doctor too, before and after, and takes charge of making sure that she doesn't tell them she's fine and nothing happens. If there's medication, make sure you know what it is and when it's to be taken etc.

Surely you'd know that if she's depressed, for example, that telling her to snap out of it is no help.

CDfm

OP I dunno what to say to you other than you can't change your Mum and you got yourself embroiled in a situation and do not live there.

Lesson learnt and I would visit as much as I liked to see Dad and siblings. Get over your Mums moodiness and look after yourself.

I have an ex mother-in-law who is sort of the same as your Mum and used all the tricks in the book

There is a writer Dr Susan Forward who writes handbooks on these situations Emotional Blackmail & Toxic Parents are 2 of her titles and they should be in your local library,

http://www.angelfire.com/vt/rcwn/Pagefifteen.html

If your family feel so strongly about it let them act just you do not get involved.

Cheap Thrills!

OP, your Mother has painted you black because you confronted her. It's possible she suffers from a personality disorder, although none of us here know either way as we are not medically qualified to say.

However, IF she doesn suffer from a PD (the one I'm thinking of) she probably has no insight into her own behaviour and only sees the world in very black and white terms (eg; someone is being unpleasant to me, this is an attack, that person is now 'evil', I will punish them by ignoring them) She seems to have now placed you in the position of 'black sheep' instead of your sister.

Her perception may not be like yours or mine. You can't interact normally and expect a normal outcome with her. Do read Susan Forward as CDFM wisely suggested, it will give you some insight and coping strategies.

Believe it or not your Mother is frightened. She may seem an all powerful person to her family members who controls the family with her rages and moods but her faulty perceptions make her act so. She is actually more like a large toddler with undeveloped communication skills etc.

Another thing, your family allowed you to go in like a human sacrifice doing their dirty work, they may have done this out of pure frustration or desperation but all the same, you need to protect yourself. Your Mother would respond better to everyone behaving together calmly. She cannot split you into good and evil then.

CDfm

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Another thing, your family allowed you to go in like a human sacrifice doing their dirty work, they may have done this out of pure frustration or desperation but all the same, you need to protect yourself. Your Mother would respond better to everyone behaving together calmly. She cannot split you into good and evil then.

Absolutely agree especially the quote.

+1 with everything Cheap Thrills said.Don't condemn and don't condone.


It is easy for your Dad and siblings to have ongoing rows with her as they interact with her and are less sensitive than you & get over these things in a day or a week -relationship unaffected. Except you see her infrequently and her treatment of you goes back to your previous encounter like a festering sore.

Your relationship is different to theirs and dont be the fallguy.If I get dragged into something by another family member I don't keep secrets.

I wouldn't try to explain anything to your Mum, sometimes just tell her you love her,pay her compliments, make her a cup of tea and behave like a visitor. When I visit my parents I bring a big chocolate cake and apple tart and nip outside for a cigerette etc bathroom trips etc. I don't do heavy conversation _. am likely to say anyone want tea and cake.

Be kind to yourself and don't repeat what you did last time.

thefeatheredcat

Thanks everyone for your input, advice and replies, it's really appreciated. They've all given me something to think about and most importantly more confidence and tools to address the situation.

There's a lot that needs to be addressed at home which will collectively be met head on by all in the near future after a long discussion between us. I will find a copy of the books that were mentioned and indeed, encourage us all to encourage my mother to get help if she needs it.
Am hoping for the best for this situation anyway, come what may and hopefully everything will eventually work out.

Thanks again